Chapter 17 Teaser

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I blurted out, tears leaving my skin a blotched mess of runny mascara as they traveled down my cheeks. It was the first time that I openly admitted that I wasn’t sure if I knew what I was doing, that I didn’t know if what I’d already done to help Edward was enough in the grand scheme of things. I didn’t know if I was enough. I was questioning myself and my ability to help him, but talking to Alice after holding all this in for so long unraveled me, making me really see what I’d been trying not to. Edward needed more.

I wanted to believe I was healing him somehow, even if it was only a small fraction. I think I was, but there was so much in depth pain buried inside of him, I wondered if I’d barely even scratched the surface. My feelings kept me from being objective about him because I wanted to believe I could do it on my own. I realized I was being naïve, and in doing so, I was being selfish.

She reached for my hand, giving me a warm smile. “Bella, you reached out to him, he reached back. From what you’ve told me about him, that’s a big deal. You did that. You made that happen. And personally, I think the fact that you love him was the catalyst for what he’s overcome.”

“Yeah, but is loving him enough?” I questioned. “And I worry that the way I feel about him might do more harm than good, especially now.”

She stared at me incredulously. “Why would you say that? Why would you think loving him would be harmful to him? Look what loving him has already done. Maybe if he knew or-”

“No,” I cut her off, shaking my head. “I can’t tell him how I feel about him.”

“Why not? Maybe that’s what he needs. Maybe he needs something solid to hold to.”

“That’s just it,” I stressed. “You don’t know Edward like I do. If he knew I loved him, he’d feel obligated to do what he felt I wanted him to, maybe even reciprocate those feelings toward me. And if he couldn’t feel that way because of how broken he is inside that would be one more thing he’d take on himself. One more thing he could say he was to blame for. One more failure of his. That’s not what I want.

“I don’t want him to feel like he has to give me anything because I feel the way I feel. I’m so afraid if he pushes too hard to get better, he’ll fold in on himself and fall deeper inside his own head, and then I’d lose him. I’m not too stupid to realize his recovery is going to take time, lots of time, and he doesn’t need the fact that I’ve fallen in love with him hanging over his head as a distraction. And it would be. I can’t put that kind of pressure on him, Alice. I don’t want him to want to get better because of me. I want him to want to do it for himself. This is about him, not me. It’s only ever been about him.”