CF - Chapter Nine: All I Wanted

Chapter 9: All I Wanted

"Tear You Apart"

It's only just a crush, it'll go away

It's just like all the others it'll go away

Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know

You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close

Skin pressed against me tight

Lie still, and close your eyes girl

So lovely, it feels so right

Bella

"Feels so fucking good, doesn't it? I can make it feel better than that. You want me to make it feel better, Bella?"
Oh God, what was he doing to me? No one had ever touched me the way he was.
His voice was like liquid desire as it whispered across my heated skin, promising my body the most delicious pleasure it could ever know. Every word rippled across my flesh, attacking every nerve ending, making my body scream for more.
It was a struggle to open my eyes and look at him, because the sensations he caused me to feel were unlike anything I'd ever known before. The pleasure was swirling around me, wrapping me in all that was Edward. I was literally being consumed by him.
His eyes… Oh God, his eyes. I was nearly leveled by the desire I saw within them. An ache of need formed between my legs, eclipsing better judgment on my part, making me want Edward in a way I'd never wanted anyone.
There was a muffled voice in the back of my mind, and I tried to pause what was happening enough to understand what the voice was trying to tell me, but when he thrust against me and I felt his erection between my legs, the voice completely died out. There were no voices, nothing moving through me or around me but Edward.
I barely recognized my own voice when I told him yes. He groaned loudly, making the ache between my legs surge to a new level. I knew he was the only one who could make the ache go away. And then I felt his grip tighten around my body as he moved us.
He stopped us abruptly, then I heard the sound of a door handle turning. He was taking us to his bedroom. We'd barely stepped over the threshold into his room when we heard Alice's voice calling out to me.
Part of me wanted to tell her to go back into her room, but the other part of me, the part that found its way back inside my head, reminded me that if he knew what was under my sweatshirt, he wouldn't want me – he'd be disgusted by my scar.
I left him standing in his doorway, but the pull to him, like we were connected by a tightly coiled rubberband, yanked at my soul the further I stepped away from him.
"Water," I murmured, holding up the bottle as I passed Alice into her room. "I woke up thirsty."
"Oh," was all she said.
Nothing more was said on her end or mine. I was not complaining either.
I lay in bed after leaving Edward at his doorway and attempted to figure out what the hell had just happened. I almost… I couldn't believe I was actually going to go into his room with him. I actually wanted to.
The way he touched me, the things he made me feel, it made me forget all the reasons why I shouldn't be with him.
Thoughts about him, they were heavy on my mind… and continuous.
It wasn't until my eyes snapped open, catching the dim light filtering through Alice's window and the echo of my ringtone on my cell, that I'd realized I had even fallen asleep.
I reached for my cell that lay on top of Alice's nightstand and flipped it open, my voice coming out hoarse as I spoke. "Hello?"
"Bella, it's Mom." The frantic note in her voice had me alert quick and sitting up abruptly in bed.
"Mom, what's wrong? Is it Dad?"
"No, sweetie, your Dad is fine. I'm short staffed at the store today, so I was wondering if you'd mind covering a shift for me? You'll have next Saturday off instead."
I wiped the sleep from my eyes. "Uh… yeah, I guess. Give me a little while, and I'll be there."
"Thanks, sweetie."
I closed my cell and placed it back on the nightstand, sighing loudly as I stretched the less than acceptable amount of sleep from my muscles. I had a feeling it was going to be a long day.

-OO-OO-OO-

I pulled into a parking space at the back of the store. Renee had recently designated the employee parking back there, and any employees on the clock seen parking anywhere else but the designated area would hear an earful.
I opened the truck door, grabbed my purse and lunch, then started inside.
I stopped in the office and talked with Renee for a few minutes, asking her about Charlie before I headed back to the time clock. She assured me he was feeling better and should be returned to his dashing self in another day or two. She asked me about myself. I made it clear I was fine, no catastrophes on the agenda, then reminded her I needed to punch in soon. It was a plausible excuse so I could get away.
I slowly made my way to the backroom. I'd much rather be curled up in bed, sleeping right now. I stood at the time clock, openly gaping at the time cards… well, one in particular.
I was wrapped up in my memory of the night before, apparently too wrapped up to hear the footsteps behind me.
"I want you." The words were spoken in Edward's voice.
I went rigid, other than my eyes that searched around, looking for other people. There weren't any. I couldn't have heard him right. There's no way Edward just said he wanted me.
"W-what?"
My body turned around, moving of its own volition. "I can't do it anymore, Bella. I can't stay away from you. I've fucking tried, and I can't do it. I just… I want you."
"I don't understand," I whispered.
"What's there to understand?" He spoke flatly, eyes averted away from me toward the boxes of inventory lining the far wall in the backroom of my parent's store. But his normally confident self was faltering, visible by the slight tremor his hands made at his sides.
"You just said… you wanted me." I bit my lip, feeling the heat begin at my face, whispering its way down to my chest. I hated being this transparent.
"Yeah." He still remained indifferent, still keeping his eyes off me.
"I mean…" I paused, hesitant to continue, but the curiosity won out. "I didn't expect for you to feel… that way. Are you afraid or embarrassed to… uh… want me?" I rationalized that this could be a trick, that he could be baiting me for some kind of self-enjoyment in torturing me. And though I accepted that was a possibility, something in my gut told me that wasn't the case.
His head snapped in my direction, eyes flaming with what appeared to be anger, darkening the bright green of his eyes to an almost black tinged with a red fire of lust. Finally, there was some kind of emotion. The right side of his lips turned up as he smirked, but his eyes still burned with rage and desire. "It's not that I'm afraid or embarrassed of wanting you, Bella. It's not fear or embarrassment of wanting. You wanna know what it is? It's about wanting you too much, especially when I shouldn't want you. I've tried not to. God knows I've fucking tried not to feel anything for you."
I stepped backward as he stalked toward me, coming to a halt as my body collided with a wall. I was thrilled and terrified by his reaction. He placed his hands on either side of me, blocking me from moving, and my body instantly ignited from the proximity of his nearness. I could feel his warm breath on my mouth, taste him as my tongue dipped out to drag a path across my bottom lip. Being this close to me, this was not something Edward liked to do. "I fucking want you," he admitted through gritted teeth. "And I fucking hate that I do. So stop. Stop whatever it is you're doing."
I stared back at him with wide eyes. "I'm not doing-"
"Yes, you are," he countered. "All you have to fucking do is breathe, Bella, and you make me want you." He shook his head, his expression pained as he closed his eyes, leaning in closer so I could feel his breath on my skin. Goosebumps formed over my flesh. "I don't want this shit, but I can't stop it. I can't stop what you're doing to me."
"Edward, we shouldn't-"
My words caught in the back of my throat the moment his nose skimmed along my neck, and I heard him inhale before pressing his lips against the skin below my ear.
"Stop doing this to me, Bella." His lips brushed against my ear as he spoke in a crushed whisper. "Stop before I do something that wouldn't be good for either of us."
I swallowed thickly. "I don't know what you're-"
"Do it before it's too late. Stop before I make you mine."
"I'm not… You don't really want me, Edward."
He laughed against my neck, a laugh that sent chills up my spine. "If only that were fucking true."
He pressed a kiss against my temple, then groaned outright as his lips whispered along my jaw line, stopping at the corner of my lips.
"Don't let me do this to you… or to me, Bella." His lips moved against my skin, drawing out the flame his touch stirred within my body. I could feel the need for him, the need for everything that was Edward, thrumming under my heated flesh and bursting out in the form of goosebumps. "Right now, the way I'm feeling, the way you make me feel, I don't just want your body – I want your heart and soul. Stop me before I make it all mine."
I should be frightened, shouldn't I? I should be afraid. Shouldn't there be warning bells ringing all around me, telling me to get as far away from him as possible? He was dangerous to my heart and soul. He could shred my soul and break open this heart that wasn't really mine, making it as useless as the one that had been taken from me, the one I'd been born with.
Yes, Edward Cullen could do that to me. I could feel it in the way he spoke to me and the way my body responded to him. I could feel it in the way my heart beat rapidly in my chest in a way only he had ever made it do and the way my soul reached out to his. With as much as this want and need for him loomed over me, heavy and unrelenting like a steel cage, I knew without a doubt in my bones he could end me.
As afraid as I should be, I wasn't afraid enough to walk away, so I guess it really was too late.
"Walk away, Bella," he breathed. His hands were now sliding down my arms, pulling me closer. I went willingly. "Please walk away."
His plea was falling on deaf ears. As much as I felt like I needed preservation of self against this beautiful, broken creature in front of me, because I knew the chances of him hurting me were inevitable, my heart disregarded that fact and kept holding on, anyway.
My heart? That was laughable. This stupid muscle pumping within my chest wasn't mine. The heart inside me was just an it, a thing I was cursed with because I was an anomaly. It would forever remind me I was born defective. It had molded itself inside, embedding itself so it seemed as if it belonged, but it was still foreign matter because it was never really mine.
I hated the 'thing' for making me pity myself - I hated pity. I hated the 'thing' for making me care for someone I never wanted to care for, who I'd never be able to keep. I hated the 'thing' because I knew I'd love him, but I would never know what it was like to love him with my real heart. And, dear God, I hated the 'thing' because it took someone else's heart to do for me what my own couldn't – it gave me life.
A callous voice inside my mind told me I was wrong to let myself have him, that we could never work for all the things that were against us. It screamed out how he needed to know the truth about me, that I needed to tell him so he could walk away now to save us both from something worse because I was too weak to do it. I had misread the warning my brain gave. It wasn't for me at all. It was for him.
Leave him, the voice urged. You're going to make it worse.
He wanted me. He actually wanted me. And the idea of not having the time I could with him, even though I shouldn't want to be with him for so many reasons, it sent a massive ache rippling across my insides. As wrong as I knew it was, I wanted to be his. I guess I could add selfish and masochist to the list of things wrong with me.
We were a pair; two broken halves coming together with all of our broken, messy shit. It was a colossal disaster in the making.
I should walk away, I really should, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't be responsible in the way I should be with him this close to me, touching me, telling me I was what he wanted. The pull to him was too strong. He'd have to be the one to walk away. It would have to be him.
And once he knew about my transplant, I knew he'd eventually find out, along with the hideous mark across my chest, he'd do what I couldn't - he'd leave, and he'd do it free and clear. I wouldn't stop him from going no matter how much I hurt. I was gonna lose, this I knew well, but maybe beforehand I could give him something he'd lost… hope.
That outcome? That was the reality I was heading toward. I had a one-way, non-refundable ticket.
Dear God, I should walk away.
And still, I fell into him and the painful darkness that awaited me. I fell into him like an addict that found her next hit. I was perilous to do anything but give in.
I was gonna love him despite that voice, despite knowing we'd end… and I'd be responsible for it. Those seeds were already sown. The thing inside my chest made sure of that.
"I can't," I finally whispered. I swallowed hard in my throat, the sound bouncing off my eardrums. I felt his body stiffen against mine. I took a deep breath, exhaling my resolve. "I can't walk away."
A groan that echoed defeat tore its way out of his mouth and ripped through the air. "This is gonna end badly, Bella. Fuck, this is gonna end so badly."
I know, I thought.
"Goddamn, you'll be the fucking death of me." He was voicing thoughts I wasn't meant to know.
I'll be the death of us both.
And then he kissed me with a hunger that stole away the air in my lungs.

-OO-OO-OO-

We didn't speak again until it was time for me to leave work, which ended up being five hours later. He stopped me at the time clock. "Bella, we… uh…" He paused while running nervous fingers through his thick, messy hair. "You and me, we got shit to talk about when I get off work."
I nodded. "I'll be at your house the rest of the weekend."
His forehead creased as confusion set in. "Why is that?"
I glanced down at the cement floor. I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't tell him the truth either. I wasn't ready to lose him yet, if I actually had him at all. "My dad, he's sick with a cold, so my mom asked if I could stay with Alice for the weekend."
"Yeah, but if it's just-"
I swallowed against the bitter taste of dread that harbored my name. "I'll see you at your place, Edward."
I left him standing there.
I didn't go right inside the Cullen house when I pulled in the driveway. I needed time to think while my head was clear enough from the Edward induced haze I found myself in quite often these days. I couldn't do that with others around, or the scent of Edward circulating through the rooms and attacking my senses, affecting my already tedious fight to stop us before we really began.
He's not going to want you when he sees you aren't perfect.
Those words played over and over in my head, ricocheting off my throbbing temples.
A knock on the window interrupted my thoughts. It was Alice, smiling.
"You coming inside?" she asked. Her voice was a little muffled by the closed window. "You've been sitting here awhile. You okay?"
I opened the door after grabbing my things and slid out. "Yeah, I'm fine."
The door closing sounded louder than usual. "You don't look like you're fine."
"Really, I'm fine." I moved past her, heading toward the door.
"Does this have anything to do with what happened between you and Edward last night?" I immediately stopped, turning around to face her, my face crimson from the blush burning its way across my skin.
"Yeah." She smiled at me. The wind whipped her short black hair with its heavy breeze. "I know you weren't just getting water last night."
"I… uh… well, I…" The possibility of forming a complete sentence was lost on me.
Her smile grew, as well as the gleam in her eyes. "You like him, don't you?"
I sighed. No point it denying the obvious. "I don't want to like him." It was the truth… because I didn't.
"Well, what we want and what we get aren't always the same."
"Don't I know it," I agreed.
"You know," she began. "I kinda suspected something was up with you two."
"Really?" I asked incredulously. "I didn't realize anything but detest was noticeable between us. Hell, I don't even know when things started changing, honestly. I guess it was at work. I just… I pretty much loathed him, and then not so much."
She laughed. "Don't get me wrong, it was obvious you two had some measure of detest for each other, but I caught little things between you that maybe others didn't."
I was curious now. "Like what?"
"The stares," she answered. "You both stole glances at one another when you thought no one else was looking. And Edward? In all the time he's lived with us, he didn't talk about anyone. Not even Emmett and Jasper. Don't even get me started on the tantrum he threw in the lunchroom when Tyler asked you on a date. You got under his skin, Bella. You did it when no one else could."
Alice, as I just now discovered, was quite the observer.
"Yeah, but I'm afraid of what it'll cost me," I whispered.
She walked up beside me, grabbing one of the hands that hung loosely at my sides, and pulled me toward the door. "Come on. We'll get out of this cold and go up to my room to talk."
As appealing as getting out of the cold air was to me, giving her information on what happened between her brother and me the previous night wasn't.
"Alice, I… uh… I know you know about last night and all, but I really don't feel comfortable talking about what Edward and I did," I rattled on as we walked through the door. "It's just that, it's-"
She turned around, a disgusted look upon her face. "Ugh, Bella. Look, I didn't want details or anything. He is my brother, so that's, like, really gross. I just meant that if you wanted someone to vent to, you know, about why you were sitting in your truck for so long, I'd be that person. But details about where my brother's hands and parts had been, or your hands and parts had been, I don't wanna know." She shivered. "Seriously, there isn't enough therapy in the world that would heal the scar that kind of conversation would give me."
Before I could respond, Esme strolled into the kitchen, a warm smile upon her face and a purse hanging off her shoulder. "Hey, girls. I'm off to the market. I've got a few things to get for dinner, but I'll be home after. You need anything?"
We both shook our heads.
"Alright," she said. "I'll see you in awhile."
We made our way up to Alice's room. I was actually sort of looking forward to talking with Alice, seeing as it would remain a non-makeout related conversation. She was Edward's sister and knew him better than I, plus she was the only one besides my parents who knew about my transplant, so maybe I could get some insight from her.
She sat down on her bed, crossing her legs over the thick, flowery comforter draped over her mattress. "So, why were you sitting out in your truck, looking all emo?"
"I think you know why," I answered pointedly.
"Yeah, I think I do." She briefly stared at me, then shifted her gaze between me and her guest bed. "Take a seat, Bella. You're making me nervous."
I sat down on the bed across from hers, mimicking the way she was seated. "Is that better?"
"Yes," she smiled, nodding. "So, are you going to answer the question? Why were you being all emo?"
"I was not being emo," I rebuked. She placed her hand on her hip, tilting her head to the side. "Okay, maybe I was being a little emo. I've just got a lot on my mind."
"And would that a lot start with Ed and end with ward?"
"Remind me to mark you off my Christmas list," I teased. She stuck her tongue out at me. "Okay, yeah. Obviously things are… happening… and I'm not sure what to do about it."
"And you're scared of those things." She wasn't asking, she was stating a fact.
I nodded. "I am. If I let this happen, and he finds out about… If he knows what's under here…" I palmed my chest. "I know what's going to happen."
"You think he'll lose interest once he knows about your heart transplant, don't you?" I nodded again. "If he did that, he'd be a complete asshole."
"He's already a complete asshole." I covered my mouth, eyes widening when I realized what I'd said. "I'm sorry," I mumbled against my hand.
She laughed. "Hey, don't apologize for speaking the truth. Edward, he's been through a lot. He's not like he used to be, but that doesn't mean that he'd stop wanting you just because you have a different heart and a scar because of that."
"But I'm not beautiful."
"There's more to beauty than just what you see on the outside. And if you think you aren't beautiful, Bella, then you don't see yourself clearly."
"I'm not a whole person."
"Because you won't let yourself be. Maybe, just maybe, you and Edward can make each other whole. Maybe that's what all this is about."
"I don't know about that," I told her. "I don't even know what happened to him."
"He doesn't know what happened to you either."
Ouch, I thought, lowering my eyes to the floor. Touche.
"I wasn't completely honest with you, Bella." My eyes met hers. "You know Edward's mom died, right?"
"Yeah."
"I shouldn't be saying this to you, because it's his place to, but his mom… she was killed."
The heart in my chest clenched painfully. "I didn't-"
"In Arizona, Bella. His mom died in Arizona." My world felt like it spun off its axis. "They'd only been there a couple days when it happened. I'll leave it to Edward to tell you what happened." There was no denying the hope in her voice. "But I told you what I did because maybe you'll do the same for him."

-OO-OO-OO-

I was lying on Alice's bed, nervous and anticipating the talk with Edward. She was now gone, on my insistence to keep her plans, to dinner with Jasper, but she promised she'd be home after.
I wasn't yet sure what I was going to do. Talking with Alice helped some, but I was still torn between what I knew I wanted and what I knew I should do. Maybe I wouldn't be so antsy if she were still here. I laughed, because I knew that wasn't true. I'd still be antsy, but at least I wouldn't be alone.
I groaned out my frustration, then ran my hands down my face, roughly. Sitting here thinking was doing nothing more than making me frustrated. What was the point, anyway? I'd know what to do once I talked to Edward… Wouldn't I?
I repositioned myself on the mattress and reached for the T.V. remote. I needed a distraction. I'd just gripped the controller when my phone chimed in warning of a text. I sighed, then grabbed my phone and flipped it open. It was from Edward.
I'll be at the house in 5. Meet me outside.
I replied back.
How did you get my cell number?
I have my ways, Bella. Just meet me outside.
I left a note for Alice on the nightstand, grabbed my coat and purse, then headed outside. I was standing outside a minute or two, the cool air licking across my exposed flesh, when he pulled up. He motioned me over, so I walked up to the passenger side and climbed in. The temperature inside was a huge contrast from the outdoors. The change made me shiver in my seat.
"I thought we'd go somewhere private to talk." He didn't look at me when he spoke.
"Alright."
He pulled out of the driveway, our conversation as empty as his expression. I was admittedly nervous because of it.
He turned down a side road that veered off to a dirt one. When he finally stopped the car, we were parked in front of what looked like an abandoned barn, some of the wooded siding splintering off in places.
"I found this place one summer," he said. "I used to come here when I needed to get away."
He opened the driver's side door and got out. I followed behind him.
The grounds were definitely vacant, obviously had been for a long time, and I imagined it was overrun by wild flowers in the summer. The barn doors creaked loudly, screaming out their lack of use when Edward opened the doors. The floorboards were just as loud. I followed him toward some old, empty wooden crates that sat in a corner of the barn, underneath a dirty window. They looked as lonely as the building.
"Just sit down there." He pointed to some of the crates. He sat down on a cemented bench that was flipped on its side, a crack through the seat that was visible when he lifted it upright. "I'd have you sit on this, but those are a lot sturdier."
"These are fine," I assured him as I sat down on one.
We were both seated, awkward silence drifting through the barn as stealthy as the wind that blew through the missing wood planks.
I was going to slice through that silence, because maybe he was waiting for me to begin, but he sighed loudly, then started talking. "I meant what I said earlier… about wanting you."
"Okay." Real articulate, Bella.
He fumbled with his hands but glanced up at me after I spoke. "So you know, I didn't plan this shit out, Bella. I work better alone."
"Then why are we here?"
His brows furrowed. "You think I wanted to be here, doing this? Believe me, I didn't. I tried everything. I really did. I tried hating you, especially because of where you're from. I tried drinking you out of my system. I was ready to fuck you out of my head, but I-" He paused, shaking his head, probably to collect himself. "The point is, I did damn well everything not to want you, and the harder I fought, the more I wanted you." His stare intensified. "Were you… That wasn't just me, right?"
God, I wish it had been.
I shook my head. "It wasn't just you."
"What now?" he asked. "Where do we go from here? I think we've seen how well I control myself around you."
"What do you want?" I murmured. It was a dangerous question, but I still wanted the answer.
"That is the million dollar question, is it not?" He laughed, dryly. "You know what the fuck I want, Bella. That's why I'm here. Do I think it's a good idea? Hell, no. Did I want it? Sure didn't. None of that matters, though. I still want what I want… and you're it." The heart in my chest beat rapidly. "What do you want?"
"Truthfully, Edward, I feel the same. I tell myself to stay away from you, that we aren't good for each other, but I never seem to listen to my own advice where you're concerned. I can't see how this will turn out well for either of us, but I can't change this pull to you. I've tried too, but I can't do it."
"Yeah, we're pretty optimistic about this, aren't we?"
I smiled, hmphing under my breath. "We definitely are."
We were back to the awkward silence beating down around us.
Edward shuffled in his seat. "So yeah, I know we're at some fucking crossroads here and shit because neither of us expected what's happening, but like I said, Bella, I can't stay away from you anymore. Trying to, it's making me lose my goddamn mind. But, you know, I just… I want to keep this between us."
I blinked at him, perpetually, feeling a wave of disappointment rush through me. Of course he would. He didn't want anyone to know he felt anything for me. And here he said he wasn't ashamed. I guess it would be easier once we were over if we just kept it hidden. No loose ends to deal with.
He angled closer to me. "I know that look." I turned away from him and began staring out the filmy window. "Bella, it's not what you think. This has nothing to do with being ashamed of you. What this is about, it's about keeping something for myself and not being questioned about the motive behind it. Fuck, Carlisle and Esme, if they knew we were… uh…" He paused.
My head snapped in his direction, my tone biting. "If we were what, Edward? What exactly are we, huh? Friends? Dating? Soon-to-be fuck buddies? Is all this just about getting down my pants?"
He stood up from the old bench and strode toward me, planting himself directly in front of me. I could feel the anger vibrating off his body. "Is that what you want, Bella?" he growled.
He reached out, locking his fingers around my wrist and pulled, yanking me to my feet. We were practically body to body now. His stare was hard, the green of his eyes darkened by anger… and something else.
My body heated, but I refused to buckle in front of him. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" I spat. "I won't be your plaything, Edward."
He smirked at me, arrogant like, his lips pulled up in the way that drove that ache within me further out of control. "See, I hear what you're saying, Bella, but your body is saying something completely different right now." He leaned forward, whispering in my ear. "I can smell that you want me. Did you know that shit?" He inhaled, then pulled me closer. "Do I wanna fuck you, Bella? Yeah, I do. More than you know. I'm not gonna lie to you about that."
The hand that gripped my wrist immediately lowered, pressing my palm against his erection. His very hard erection. I gasped. "You can feel how much I want you. But despite what you might think, I don't just wanna stick my dick in you. I'm not just after your body." He shook his head and released my wrist. "It would be so much easier if that's all I fucking wanted from you. I wish that was all I wanted." He ground his teeth together. "But I want more than that."
I bit my lip, whispering, "You say that now, but what if you see something about me you don't like, and you realize I'm not what you really want."
He smirked again. "I fought hard against this shit, but I think we're past that point now, don't you? Like I told you earlier, all you have to do is fucking breathe."
"Yeah, but I-"
"Do you want me, Bella?"His body trembled against mine. "You need to tell me now, because I'm not doing this shit alone. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here either. I'm definitely not boyfriend material. I'm an asshole, and you'll probably hate me in the end, but I'm standing here in front of you now, doing shit I said I'd never do. This is me, as vulnerable as you're ever gonna see. You want to walk away from this, we'll walk away, but I don't think you really want that."
I knew I didn't. "I don't want to walk away."
He exhaled fully, his warm breath caressing my face. "Are you all in, then? All or nothing, Bella. I'm not asking for marriage and all that bullshit. Seriously not going there. I just need to know you're there too."
I looked into his eyes, seeing past the bullshit, the hard exterior, and stared into the soul of him. I was there with him. We were both equally afraid about the steps we were taking. "I'm there too."
"You know what that means, then?" His expression was so serious.
"What?"
The right side of his mouth turned up into a half smile. "We're fucked."
I laughed, my chest feeling less heavy. "How ironic."
He sat us down along the wooden crates but kept our bodies close – I was practically sitting in his lap. "You think that shit's funny, don't you? But what's ironic is I warned you what would happen, and you didn't listen."
His hand wrapped around the back of my neck as he pulled my face closer to his. "Oh, really? And what's that?"
His eyes drifted down to my mouth as his tongue came out, swiping along his bottom lip, leaving the soft flesh glistening. "I told you I'd make you mine… and I did."
I opened my mouth to reply, but he pulled me forward into a heated kiss. I moaned as his tongue entered my mouth, grazing mine, and his fingers dug into the flesh of my neck and lower back.
I lost track of time, breathing, everything that didn't involve Edward's hands or mouth. But I registered his mouth leaving mine, the desire behind his eyes, him telling me to stand up, only to pull me back down so I was straddling him. His cool fingers ran under my coat, grasping my waist and pulling me against him. He was so hard underneath me, and God help me, I whimpered when I felt him between my legs, sliding over him, when he pulled me closer.
He grinned and did it again, but thrust against me.
"You think if I rubbed myself all over you, everyone would know you belong to me?" he breathed.
Somehow, the thought of him doing that was insanely hot, even if he was insinuating I was property. "I'm not… property." You'd be anything he wanted you to be right now, my mind rasped. "And I thought you… uh… didn't want anyone to know about us."
"You aren't property, but you are mine," he drawled. He drew my hips forward, rocking me over him so his erection hit just right between my legs, causing sparks of pleasure that even my teeth felt. "Besides, I only meant Carlisle and Esme… and your parents. I don't want lectures right now. And the people at school, I don't give a fuck what they think."
My eyes closed in tight slits, the pleasure almost too much. "They… they'd find out… kids… school."
He shifted me forward and lifted his hips to meet mine. "No more talking."
His tongue was back in my mouth, and he was pushing and pulling me against him, groaning and cursing against the friction our bodies caused. Shouldn't I be stopping th- "Oh, God," I gasped, breaking the kiss.
"I wanna make you come, Bella. Fuck, I really wanna make you come."
Oh, God. Was I really doing this? What if he saw- "I… I've-"
"I'm not gonna do it here," he whispered. "As much as I want to, I'm not going to. Not here."
He stopped moving me over him, then helped me off his lap. I had to lean against the crate to keep from toppling over.
"I… uh… thank you." I could feel my cheeks flaming.
He smiled. "What for? Almost making you come?"
I blushed further. "No. For, you know, stopping and..." My words trailed off.
"Bella, are you a virgin?"
I was beyond humiliated now. "I'm going to the car now."
He reached for me, pulling me against him. "Shit, I wasn't making fun of you. I was just making sure." I could see the sincerity in the way he looked at me. It was a strange emotion coming from Edward.
I nodded. "Yeah."
He brushed his lips against mine. "I'll take it slow, okay? I'll make it good for you, angel ey-" He stopped speaking, his body stiffening.
"Edward?"
He stepped away from me and ran his fingers through his hair. "We should get back. It's fucking cold out here, and I don't need you getting sick."
He stepped forward, but I reached for his hand, wrapping my fingers around his. He stood still, gazing toward the barn doors, before finally looking at me. "Are you… Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine."
His fingers seemed stiff, but he didn't drop my hand as he pulled me alongside him to his car. Just like our drive to the barn, the ride home was made in silence.
We didn't speak through dinner, but I felt him watching me, even as he excused himself upstairs. I hated the silence between us. It felt like he was shutting me out. He had since he stopped himself from finishing whatever he was saying to me in the barn, when he called me angel something. Angel what? What else was he going to say? I really wanted to know.
I finished eating and cleared my plate, offering to wash the dishes for Esme. She refused, telling me I was a guest in her home, and I was free to watch television in the living room or head up to Alice's room. I chose the latter.
As I rounded the corner of the last step, I found myself in the same predicament I'd been in the previous night… well, almost. This time, I was wrapped in Edward's arms, and his mouth was moving hungrily over mine.
"Fuck, I wanted to do that the whole time you were eating," he breathed against my mouth.
"Really?" I asked. "I thought you were ignoring me."
"Uh, yeah, that's not fucking possible. Tried that, remember?"
"But in the car and at the table, you never-"
"I was just overwhelmed. That's all."
"How did you know it was me, though?"
He grinned. "I'd know that fucking scent of yours anywhere."
He kissed me again, obviously to keep me from asking any more questions, but stopped when we heard Esme moving downstairs. "When everyone is asleep, meet me downstairs. Will you meet me?"
I knew I shouldn't… again, for so many reasons, but I was going to anyhow. "Yes."
He smiled, making my knees weak to the point I had to grasp onto him to hold myself upright. This was becoming a habit with him.
He laughed at my clumsiness. It was such a beautiful sound. "Go on before Esme comes up here and finds me doing something to you I shouldn't." His voice was like sex, a promise of all the things his eyes showed that he wanted to do to me.
I was full on blushing now.
We watched each other moving opposite directions in the hall and kept our eyes locked until we were closed behind the bedroom doors. He was in the room beside me, basically a few feet away, and I still felt the longing. Admitting to him what I felt, I opened myself up to the emotion.
I had just sprawled myself upon the bed when my cell chimed.
Don't fall asleep, Bella. You have somewhere to be when everyone falls asleep.
My entire body flushed with heat. I was in so much trouble later.