CF - Chapter Six: Just Go

Chapter 6: Just Go

"Just Go"

I feel so alone

From all I've become

I'll take you down

I'll feel so down

I'm water while you drown

You're lifted while I'm down

I'm cancer in your womb

I'm the needle in your spoon, but...

I haven't been here long enough to know

Everytime I feel this I just lose control

Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful

I wish that this would just go, go

I ran my hands roughly through my hair, practically yanking it out from the roots as I stormed through the store, gritting my teeth and growling under my breath while taking my anger out on the hard floor with heavy steps.

People in the vicinity of me steered clear. No one bothered to speak to me - not that anyone tried much anyway - and that was exactly how I liked it, but my temper more than showed I was not in the mood to be fucked with. I was angry, and the anger I felt ignited further the more I tried to figure shit out.

What the fuck just happened back there?

What did she think she was trying to prove?

Bella was fucking with my head in ways I couldn't understand, and it was beyond frustrating because I had parts of me warring with each other over whatever the hell this was that was going on inside me now. I was rubbing all up on her face with mine, nearly kissing her because I couldn't seem to control myself around her. I could blame my dick for that, because my dick really seemed to like her even when I didn't, but that was affection I didn't give anyone, and that had me twisted up inside. I didn't do affection.

I was trying to tell myself it was simply about getting in her pants, that it wasn't anything more than that because I didn't give a damn about her. The thing was, I'd desired other girls, but it had never been this intense, and I had never had to deal with feeling something other than the desire to stick my dick in them. Maybe if I just fucked the hell out of her like I had them, conquered her in the way I needed to, I'd be able to move on and not feel so restrained by her.

The fact that she was able to affect me at all highly pissed me off. I put up walls, barricaded my emotions so I wouldn't feel any kind of attachment to anyone. I didn't need that shit; I didn't need to feel for anyone again, but she was making me fucking feel. It was all these things, wrapping me up, coiling around me, and it was suffocating the hell out of me.

I hated her and wanted her at the same time. But this want, it was driving me crazy insane. I'd never wanted like this before. I wanted to use her body in ways she couldn't even dream of, fuck the pain right out of our hearts, but for some reason, I couldn't figure out. I didn't want to just fuck her; I wanted to consume her. She made me feel so goddamn primal that all I wanted to do was mark every part of her, inside and out, to the point that no matter how hard she tried to forget, I'd always be inside her fucking head like she was mine. Feeling any of this shit was not okay, and I just wanted to get away from her.

I reached Paula's office, knocking loudly against the metal door. She had to fix this, and she had to do it now, because working directly with Bella was not going to fucking happen any longer.

She opened the door, eyes narrowing as soon as she realized it was me. I was in the mood for her shit even less than usual right now, but I'd deal with it if she'd put Bella with someone else, preferably on the other side of the store where I couldn't see her.

She chomped her gum, staring at me as if I were a fucking bug she wanted to squash.

The feeling is mutual, bitch.

I knew she hated me more than anyone else, I knew I was an asshole, but I didn't try to hide that shit. It was who I was, who I needed to be. Paula was a kiss-ass to the owners, acting all kind and like she gave a damn in their presence, but that bitch's multiple personality came out when they weren't around.

When she finally spoke, her tone matched her icy stare. "What do you want, Edward?"

"I got a problem I need fixed," I said curtly.

She smiled smugly, like knowing I had a problem was the highlight of her fucking existence. "And what exactly is this problem you need fixed, Edward?"

"Bella," I answered.

Her eyebrows lifted in question, and I waited for her to move out of the fucking way so I could go inside the office. I really didn't want to do this shit where others could hear and know my business, but she didn't move.

"What about Bella?"

"We can't work together," I stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. It was pretty fucking obvious to me.

"And why is that?" She turned around briefly as the phone rang.

"How much time you got, because the list is long?" I muttered.

Her head snapped back in my direction, and she looked pissed. "What was that?"

I bit back a shitty response, which wasn't fucking easy to do, before answering her. "Look, Paula, we don't get along, alright? I did what you asked me to, I started training her, but it's just not working out. She's…. difficult."

She laughed. "I see. Let me see if I got this right, okay? Basically, she doesn't bow down to you, so she's difficult. Is that about right? Are you saying you can't handle one girl?"

What the fuck? Was she questioning my masculinity and shit? "That's not what I fucking said. I said she was difficult and we didn't like each other; I didn't say I couldn't handle her. Get your facts right."

Her eyes narrowed in tight slits as she glared at me. "First, watch how you talk to me. You seem to forget I don't have to keep you here. You're walking a fine line, Edward, and I've just about had my fill of you. Please, give me a reason to fire you. You know what happens then." I started to open my mouth, because that's just what I fucking did, but she held up her hand to stop me. "Second, if you can handle her like you claim, why are you outside my office?"

"I thought that shit was obvious, Paula." Her mouth slammed shut, the fact that I cussed at her again pissing her off further. She ground her teeth together, her face turning beet red with anger, so I gave her the smile I knew made a bitch wet. I could see that shit worked too the moment she blushed. "I was trying to be a good employee and all by coming to you before shi… stuff happened. So could you take care of it?"

She blinked a few times, shaking her head before looking away. "I'm not moving her with someone else. In fact, I'm considering extending her training another couple days."

The anger I'd been holding back bubbled over, and I didn't care about holding back anymore. I was so pissed, I wanted to hit something. I needed to fucking get away from Bella. Did she not get that shit? "You can't fucking do that," I spat.

"Excuse me?" she growled. "I can and will if that is what I choose to do." She stepped forward, so close that I could smell her nasty ass breath. She licked her lips, staring at my mouth before her eyes met mine. "Deal with it, Edward. You are here to do a job, and believe me, that's not by my choice. You messed up, and that's why you're here. You will continue to work with Bella, and if you have a problem with that, you can quit. Remember, working here is much easier than what it could have been."

I fisted my hands at my sides, fighting the urge to punch something. I could taste the rage, and she enjoyed deliberately fueling the anger. That bitch made sure to throw the reason I was here in my face every chance she got. She enjoyed pissing me off. It was like foreplay to her, because everyone here knew she wanted my dick. It was the only reason she hadn't already fired me. I think she actually believed that if she pissed me off enough, I'd throw her up against a wall and fuck her one day. That shit was never gonna happen.

As much as I wanted to say something to tear her down, it wouldn't change a damn thing other than getting me fired or turning her on. I could quit or get my ass fired, but then I'd end up in Juvie. I wasn't about to end up in that place.

I turned around, grating my teeth together, raging inside. As I moved down the stairs, I passed Tanya. "You look like you need to meet me in back," she breathed.

I was not in the fucking mood, even for head. "Not now, Tanya," I growled.

I moved past her, heading toward Housewares. Bella was already standing there, shifting her weight on her feet. "Edward, I-"

I held up my hand. I couldn't do this with her, not now. Hearing her voice was already making me lose my shit. "Just do your fucking job, Bella. Okay?"

She sighed loudly beside me, but didn't say anything else. We didn't speak, didn't look at each other the rest of the evening. That is, until we were leaving. She was parked across the lot, heading toward her piece of shit truck.

I watched her walk the distance and climb inside, feeling myself come apart more as she left. I didn't understand this shit, and it was completely tiring feeling all these things that made no sense, but I didn't like the way it looked when she walked away.

When I got home, everyone was asleep but Alice. She was sitting on the couch in the living room, watching some fucking modeling show she had on Tivo. As soon as she saw me, she stiffened. I should have been used it; it was something she always did when she saw me, but I didn't want to deal with it tonight.

I could have gone up to my room and gotten out the bottle of Patron – which was sounding really fucking good to me right now – but then I'd be alone, and I'd be able to think about shit I didn't want to think about until the alcohol kicked in. When it wasn't my mom, it was Bella.

So I did something I never did, because I needed a distraction, I sat down on the other end of the couch and watched that dumbass modeling show with Alice. Yeah, the chicks were pretty hot, but some of them weren't that bright.

"How do you watch this shit?"

I asked the question aloud before I realized I even opened my mouth. It wasn't really meant for her to hear, but once the question hit the air, I knew it would be taken for more than it was, like an open invitation to have a conversation.

Alice gasped, like me speaking to her was a phenomenon. I knew I was to blame for that, but I couldn't listen to the pity, or how much they wanted to help put me back together, and I couldn't let myself fucking care anymore, because if I lost someone else I loved, I'd…

"I… uh… like it," she finally whispered.

I don't know what compelled me to look at her - maybe it was how tiny and unsure she sounded - but I turned my head and glanced right at her. I hadn't really looked at Alice in a long time, I didn't have a need to, but she looked small, smaller than I remembered.

It wasn't about her actual size, because she was really fucking tiny, but her personality was always bigger than her little body. Sometimes, I thought it was too big. You could see that shit when you looked at her. But this Alice sitting next to me? I couldn't see that big personality anymore.

She was uncomfortable. I could see it in the way she sat there all rigid, keeping her eyes focused on the T.V. I knew it was me who did that to her. Everyone tiptoed around me, waiting for me to just fucking lash out or break down. I didn't talk to them, I never made any efforts, and I think it affected Alice more because we'd always been close. I used to take care of her when I came to visit every summer. A lot of shit was different when my mom was alive.

She thought I hated her, hated all of them. I know she did. But it had nothing to do with me hating them and everything to do with what would happen if I let them in. If I could hold them at arm's length, it wouldn't be so bad when they were gone, because it was only a matter of time when the world decided to fucking swallow them up, too.

In another life, I could have sat here and talked to her about this show I clearly didn't give a shit about, all because it was what she liked and it made her smile. I could have told my sister I loved her. I would have meant it, too. But that life where we could share that shit wasn't this fucked up one. This right here? This emptiness that had become my existence? This was reality.

Things were starting to get personal inside my head, even down here watching this bullshit T.V. show, and I was ready to just cut it all off with some alcohol. I needed the burn it caused down my throat to invade my whole body and just fucking melt away everything but the numbness.

I didn't say anything as I stood up and moved around the couch toward the stairs.

"Edward… Can I-"

I cut her off, even though I knew she'd been struggling to decide whether or not she should speak to me. But I also knew exactly what she'd say. "I know what you're going to say, Alice, but don't. I'm going to bed."

I was trying not to be shitty. I was really trying because I knew she was hurting, but up until recently, it wouldn't have mattered so much because I needed her to feel that pain so she wouldn't try to reach out to me. The thing was, a lot of feelings, or whatever the fuck you wanted to call them, were going on inside me, mixing me all up, and this ache I was feeling right now… It was a new kind of ache. I felt this slight grip in my chest upon seeing Alice hurt.

This shit didn't start until Bella. She did something. She opened me up somehow, left a gaping wound so that all those things I was hiding from could seep in and attack me emotionally. I don't even know what she did, how she managed to do it at all, but I didn't want it. I didn't want to fucking feel anything but the pain that reminded me of how I failed the one person who never failed me. Not being home when I should have cost my mother her life. It was my fucking fault.

I moved toward the stairs, placing one foot on the bottom step and stilling the moment I heard her trembling voice.

"I don't feel sorry for you," she whispered. She thought I was already gone. I wasn't. "I just miss my brother. I know he's in there somewhere, and I wish he'd come home."

I heard the shuddered breath, and then I heard her soft cries, no doubt for the guy I used to be, as I made my way up to my room.

I locked the door as soon as I shut it behind me. I didn't bother changing out of my clothes because I was too fucking exhausted, so I just dropped backward on my bed, grabbing the Patron from between the mattress and box springs.

"Do what you do," I mumbled, tipping the bottle back and taking a large swig. "Make this shit go away."

"Please," she breathed, her naked chest rising and falling with each heavy breath. "I can't wait any longer."

I smirked down at her. Fuck, she was beautiful. "I knew you wanted this shit as much as me."

I leaned down, sucking one of her nipples into my mouth as I ran my hands down the sides of her warm body, kneading her soft skin with my fingertips as I grazed my teeth over the sensitive flesh. She moaned loudly, bucking her hips up into me and rubbing that pussy against my dick. I'd never hated boxers so goddamn much in all my life.

I ground myself into her, wishing I'd just gone commando and there was no fucking barrier between us so I could bury myself inside her. I'd never wanted to fuck someone so much in all my life. I wanted to feel her all around me, tight and warm. I wanted to consume every inch of her and make her mine.

"You want this, Bella?" I ground my dick into her again. She was so wet, I could feel her through my boxers. "Tell me you fucking want this, and I'll give it to you."

She gripped the waistband of my boxers with shaky fingers and began yanking them down. "I want you… please."

I finished pushing them off with my feet, not wanting to move my body away from the warmth of hers. I kissed and licked my way over her collarbone, tasting her skin as her tiny body began writhing underneath mine. Her skin felt so good against mine. I grazed my teeth over the skin of her neck, nipping with my lips as I traveled over her jaw bone to her lips.

I pressed my lips hard against hers, pushing my tongue into her mouth. She tasted so much better than I imagined she would; so fucking sweet. Just like that strawberry shit she used.

"Please, Edward," she pleaded while wrapping her legs around my waist. "I want you inside me."

I liked the way she was begging for my cock, all needy and shit, just like she made me feel every day. I wanted her to beg some more, get her good and worked up before I pushed my way inside her, but she wrapped her legs tighter around me, pulling me even closer and began grinding herself on me.

I could feel her, hot and wet as my dick slid along her slick lips. She was pleading with me to fuck her, and God, how I wanted to fuck her. I was the needy one now, wanting inside her so damn bad I ached all over my body from the need. Any other time, I would have wanted to taste between her legs before I got inside that pussy, but not today.

"God, Bella, I fucking want you."

"Oh, please," she pleaded again.

I didn't want to wait any longer. I'd waited long enough to get inside her, and I felt like I'd go insane if I waited any longer. I grabbed my dick in my hand and circled the tip around her clit before positioning at her opening, then pushing inside her, groaning when wet heat and tightness surrounded me.

"Shit," I ground out. She had me so wound up, wanting her so damn bad, I had to stop briefly and relax myself before I completely thrust inside her.

I knew it would feel good once I finally got inside her, but I never expected her to feel this good. I'd fucked before, felt the pleasure of being inside a girl's pussy, but what I felt while being inside Bella was more intense than I ever expected. I didn't know if it was because I'd wanted her so damn much and fought it and that's why she felt so goddamn good, but I knew this was different from any other time I'd had sex.

Whatever the reason, I was just going to enjoy the shit. I started working my hips nice and slow. I didn't want to rush; I just wanted to enjoy the way she felt.

She was lifting her hips to meet mine, trying to force me to move quicker within her.

"I need more," she breathed.

And I wanted to give her more. I wanted to bury myself so deep inside her she'd never forget that anyone but me could make her feel this way. She'd never want anyone but me inside her.

I thrust into her a little harder just to tease her, because I knew it still wasn't enough. "You want more?"

She licked her lips and closed her eyes at the precise moment I pushed roughly into her. "God, Yes."

I didn't want her eyes closed. I wanted those brown eyes that spoke so much, that held so much fucking passion, looking right at me, seeing my face, knowing I was the one making her come apart underneath me.

"Open your eyes and say it," I ordered, thrusting harder. "Say you want more."

Her eyes met mine. "I… Oh, God… want more."

I reached for both her hands, not slowing the pace of my hips, and pushed them above her head, entwining our fingers.

"Only me, Bella." I punctuated each word with a hard thrust. "Only my cock can make you feel this way."

"Only you," she moaned.

Those two words made me feel so fucking elated, so animalistic and desperate to claim her more, that I began pounding into her tiny body, claiming every inch of her, inside and out. I was touching places no one ever had, marking her like she had me.

She was moaning and whimpering, her sounds growing louder as the slapping of our skin increased. She felt so good, I never wanted it to end, but I was too far gone to stop or slow down now. I could feel the tightening in my stomach, my orgasm approaching quick.

"I want to feel you come, Bella. Please come for me."

Her muscles began tightening around me, her mouth opened and a loud buzzing took the place of moans.

The noise grew louder, replacing her, replacing what we were doing.

The echo of the alarm jolted me awake, and my eyes shot open while my ears attempted to crawl inside my fucking head at the sound. I groaned as I slammed my fist against it to turn it off, wincing at the sound of my hand connecting with the alarm because my head hurt. I rolled from my side to my back, then ran my hands roughly over my face, coating my palms with the sweat that covered my skin.

"Fuck," I growled.

My heard hurt so damn bad, but the fact that my dick was so hard to the point it hurt pretty much distracted me from the pain my head was in.

I sat up slowly, the throbbing in my head making me feel nauseous and lightheaded. I reached for the Aspirin on my nightstand, took out three, and swallowed them down dry.

I stood up from the bed, stripping off my clothes, and headed into my bathroom. I would have preferred to stay home, whack off in bed and nurse my hangover, but Esme wouldn't let that shit happen. So I walked over to the shower, my dick aching with every step I took, and pulled the shower curtain back and reached for the handles.

I got the shower going and climbed inside. I knew I couldn't go to school with a hard-on, and there wasn't pussy anywhere close by - not the pussy I obviously wanted, anyway - so my hand would have to do.

I stood under the warm spray, letting the water zigzag little trails down my body. I would have normally washed up before whacking off, but at this point, my dick was throbbing too painfully to wait. I lathered the body wash in my hands, making sure there was enough coating my palms, and reached down, grabbing my dick in my hands.

I hated that she made me resort to this shit. I hated that she got inside my head, not only invading my thoughts, but invading my dreams as well. She wasn't supposed to be inside my head at all, but there she was, squirming underneath me, taking everything I had to give her. She was enjoying it too. I was punishing her with each thrust. Hating and wanting the way she made me fucking desperate to just own her body.

The harder I pushed inside her within my head, the tighter I gripped myself and pumped up and down my shaft. I was already teetering on the edge, so it didn't take long before my body locked down and my knees nearly buckled underneath me as I came.

"Bella," I groaned, slapping my free hand against the hard tile. It was too much and not enough. I said her name, not really intending to. It wasn't like she could hear that shit anyway, but it just came out.

I braced myself against the cold wall, using it to hold me upright until my body calmed and I could steady myself again on my legs.

"Why?" I growled under my breath, slamming my palm against the tile again, this time in anger. My body was still hypersensitive from coming, but the anger started rolling in. "Why can't you just go? Why did you have to come here and fuck with my head? You don't even know what you're doing, do you?"

She couldn't hear what I was saying, I knew that, but I couldn't stop myself from asking the questions I wanted the fucking answers to.

Instead, they'd go unanswered, and this shit would continue if I didn't do something about it. I needed to get her out of my head. I needed to make myself believe she didn't exist somehow. Kind of like that out of sight, out of mind bullshit. It was probably useless, but I was willing to try anything to stop feeling like this. The only bright side to this fucked up day was that my headache was going away. That was about it.

I washed my hair and body, being careful when I reached my still sensitive dick. After finishing up in the shower, I dressed in a pair of faded jeans and green sweatshirt, then slipped on my converse and headed downstairs.

Esme was sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book while drinking coffee. "Good morning," she said.

"Yeah," I answered back, not really thinking before I opened my mouth.

She glanced up from the book, staring at me curiously, then lowered her eyes again. She didn't say shit - I was relieved by that - but I caught the soft smile on her face as I started for the door. I had answered her and it was unintentional, but that smile was one of hope, and even though that wasn't what I intended, the fact that it happened still made me feel like I was betraying my mom.

"Have a good day at school, Edward."

This time, I didn't answer back.

First period was a fucking bore. I hated Calculus, even though I knew it well. I wasn't a dumb fuck; I was smart, but I really didn't care to try. What was the point? It's not like that shit protected you in the real world when someone put a bullet in you or stabbed you to death.

I sat there, drawing shit on my notepad. It wasn't anything specific, and it wasn't what I'd rather be doing right that second, but it was better than listening to Mr. Varner ramble on about limits, functions, derivatives, integrals and infinite series. It also kept my mind off other things.

"So, are you going or what?"

I glanced up from my notebook, meeting Bree's hopeful eyes. I hadn't even realized she was talking to me. "Going where?"

She rolled her eyes. "To Emmett's birthday party tonight. Didn't he tell you about it?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, I knew about it, but I hadn't decided if I was going."

"The adults are gone for the weekend, so they won't be around. You should really come." She smiled sheepishly, biting into her bottom lip.

I didn't want her, and having sex with her had only ever been about a form of relief I knew I didn't deserve, but maybe hooking up with her now might just be what I needed to get this shit with Bella out of my head. I leaned forward, grinning as I roamed her body with my eyes. "Maybe I'll be there after work, then."

She went to say something else, but turned around as soon as Varner called her out for talking during class. I went back to drawing in my notebook until class was over.

I was dreading second period because I shared that class with Bella. Just because I didn't want to fucking acknowledge her, didn't mean I wouldn't have to somehow.

Emmett and Jasper met me at my locker. I was on edge, and I tried to hide it, but Jasper somehow saw right through me. That fucker had a way of reading people's emotions.

"Dude, what's up? You look like someone pissed in your cheerios or something."

"I'm fine," I told him. "I just didn't get much sleep."

"What, did Bree keep you up again last night?" he teased.

"Fuck off, Jasper," I growled. "It had nothing to do with Bree. I just couldn't sleep."

"Right," he laughed.

I flipped him off as we entered class, but even the shit he was saying didn't stop my eyes from averting away from the back of his head to Bella's seat. She wasn't sitting there, though. I wondered for a second where she was, then shook my head, asking myself why I should care. She was probably running late, anyway.

I took my seat, throwing my book on the desk, and leaned back. I figured that when she walked in the door, I'd go back to the plan of acting like she didn't exist. It seemed pretty plausible to me. But the bell rang, and she never walked through that door, so the whole pretending she didn't exist went right out the window because I immediately wondered where she was. She was fine last night.

So I sat there through class, zoning everything out but the thoughts inside my head. I would have zoned them out too, but I couldn't seem to escape them. I didn't want to admit it, but I wanted to know where she was. She didn't seem like the type to just miss school, so if she missed, there had to be a good reason, right?

Could she be sick? Maybe she had the flu.

I felt an ache in my chest just thinking of her lying in bed, hurting all over while the flu attacked her insides. I didn't like seeing that shit in my head at all. I immediately got angry, and I realized I was becoming irrational, wanting to kill some motherfucking flu that I didn't even know she had or not.

I was tapping my fingers against the desk, looking back and forth between my hands and her desk. I'd glance up at the clock and huff under my breath whenever I realized there was still a lot of class time left.

People were getting agitated with me, I was disrupting their focus, but I couldn't seem to reign the shit in. I should be thrilled she wasn't around to torment me, but I wasn't. I was antsy, wanting to know where she was, and aggravated because I did want to know and couldn't stop the curiosity. The problem was, I wouldn't find out, and that just made shit worse. It's not like I could run around asking people.

Emmett finally turned to me, pointing to my hands and mouthed, "What the fuck, Edward?"

I shook my head, running my fingers through my hair. The moment the bell rang, I flew up out of my seat, moving toward the hallway. I didn't normally walk past her locker, but I made my way toward it now. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but the second her locker came into view, I saw her standing next to it, coat still on, talking to Alice.

She didn't look sick, but I was still interested in knowing where she'd been. I passed her, keeping my eyes ahead of me, but heard her tell Alice she'd been at a doctor's appointment, and that was why she'd missed morning classes. It should have been enough to know where she'd been, but it wasn't.

And that was why I decided during my last two classes before lunch that I was not going to be in that lunch room with her. Sitting and hashing shit in my brain about her was not conducive to forgetting her. It was anything but that. I needed to get grip and I needed to do it right then, because this was driving me goddamn insane.

So I sat in my car, preparing myself for Biology… with some weed. I didn't normally do the shit, but I needed the calm it gave. It helped clear my head so I was able to get myself together. I was gonna go in there, I was gonna sit at my lab table, and I was going to act as if she'd never clawed her way inside my head.

The warning bell rang, so I got out of my car and made my way to class. She wasn't in there yet, so I strolled over to the lab table, infinitely more relaxed now that I was high. I actually laughed to myself, confident I'd make it through without being affected by her.

The bell rang and she wasn't in class yet, but at this point I didn't care. I reached for my book and accidently knocked my pencil to the ground.

As I reached for it, I heard Bella's voice, and my body instantly froze. "I'm sorry, Mr. Banner. I forgot my book in my truck, so I had to run out and get it. I didn't have time to go to my locker and hang my-"

"Just hang it up there and go to your seat, Bella."

I forced myself to regroup and gripped my pencil tightly in my hand, nearly losing my fucking shit and coming right in my pants the moment I saw her.

She was hanging her coat on the rack near the door, her hair wet from being outside, and the action caused her sweatshirt to pull up from the bottom, showing a bit of her stomach. Her jeans were fucking tight around her ass, and I just wanted to grab it with both my hands and squeeze roughly, maybe bite it or lick it. At the very least, I wanted to smack it. I wondered if she liked that shit.

That about did me in… yeah, I was really damn hard, but as my eyes traveled up, stopping when I noticed the word 'juicy' that was not only on her fucking sleeve, but also on the back of the sweatshirt, I think I actually groaned out loud because several people turned around, looking at me strangely.

I didn't think I was going to make it through this class without throwing her on the desk and fucking her.

I was attempting to adjust myself in my seat and not openly gape at her like she was a piece of meat I wanted to devour, but that was pretty much what it was… me wanting to devour her. She sat down beside me, not even looking at me, but it didn't matter. I was too far gone to care.

Her wet hair made the strawberry scent that much more potent as it hit me, and I closed my eyes, practically tasting her on my lips. Climbing under the table and putting my face between her legs was looking really appealing right about now.

I was on the verge of snapping, that damn dream replaying in my head as I stared at her, and I swear to God… If she looked at me, I was not going to be able to stop myself.

I couldn't concentrate on anything but the smell of her, imagining what it would feel like being pressed up against her right now and how she'd look writhing underneath me. I could hear Mr. Banner talking, but it was just a slew of words all running together that made no sense to my brain.

She never looked at me. She just sighed a few times, which my dick mistook for moans. I didn't get this shit… at all. I never wanted someone the way I wanted her, and I didn't know why. But God, did I want her.

It wasn't until she stood up that I realized class was over. I didn't even hear the bell. I watched her leave. Well, more like watched her ass, but whatever.

I was still so damn hard to the point it was uncomfortable to move. I had to walk to Spanish with my book covering my aching dick and a frown on my face because there was nothing I could do about it.

That was the longest, most painful hour of my life.

As soon as I got home from school, I immediately went up to my room and whacked off… twice. I lay on my bed for awhile, listening to music, sated but not completely. It was enough that I was no longer in pain.

I ended up falling asleep for a couple hours, luckily not having to work. Paula had called, saying she switched days between Quil and I because of his wife being pregnant and shit, so they had some classes to go to. This time while I slept, my dream centered around my seventh birthday, the day my mom was finally able to give me that bike she'd wanted to for so long. I remembered her smile, the way her green eyes lit up when she saw me jump up and down the minute she revealed it to me. That was a good day.

I sat up, wiping the sweat off my forehead and thankful I wasn't sporting another hard-on, then headed downstairs for dinner. I was pretty fucking ravenous now that I'd come twice and had been high earlier in the day. Thankfully, Esme already had dinner ready. I grabbed me a big helping of spaghetti and sat down, practically shoveling the shit in my mouth.

Esme came walking in the kitchen, reaching for something under the sink, then glanced at me, her mouth dropping open when she saw the amount of food on my plate.

"Save some for your father," she teased as she walked out of the kitchen. She wouldn't eat until my dad got home.

I just shrugged my shoulders and continued eating. I noticed Alice wasn't home, so I figured she was out with Jasper. They'd probably make a guest appearance at Emmett's later.

After a second helping, I rinsed my plate off and stuck it in the sink. I started for the stairs, heading up to my room to change so I could head over to Emmett's. I wasn't looking forward to being around everyone, but I at least had the prospect of getting some pussy to look forward to if I went. I wouldn't normally give a shit, and it wasn't that great, but after the day I had, I figured I was entitled. It was definitely better than using my hand.

I made it to the second floor and was hit with a wave of fucking strawberry essence sent straight from hell right to my dick. Esme was pouring this powdered shit on the carpet that smelled just like Bella as she vacuumed. I was instantly hard. She'd never used it before, so I couldn't help but wonder if they secretly got together and bought the shit to fuck with me.

Needless to say, I hopped in the shower, whacking off for a third time before I got ready and left for Emmett's.

I had to park in the grass when I got to his house because there were quite a few cars lined up in the driveway. I was halfway to the door when I heard my name being called. It was dark, but I didn't have to see who it was to recognize the voice as Mike Newton's.

"Cullen, I didn't know your ass was coming tonight."

"Yeah, well, I had nothing else to do tonight," I replied.

He laughed. "Plenty of alcohol inside, so enjoy yourself, man. We'll be in once we're done smoking."

He didn't have to say a name for me to know he was talking about Tyler. Mike and Tyler were the biggest stoners in school. That's where I got my shit from when I had the occasional urge to get high.

I could hear the music before I opened the backdoor, but it was blaringly loud when I walked inside. There were fucking people everywhere. Emmett usually had a big bash going for his birthday, but the amount of people seemed to increase every year.

I pushed through the crowd of people, already knowing Emmett was in the kitchen with some of the other guys, playing beer bong. The minute he saw me, he got this big fucking grin on his face. "Well, look who decided to grace us with his fucking presence. I didn't think you were coming. Did you just get off work?"

He glanced at some guy I didn't recognize and told him to get me a beer. I grabbed it as soon as he handed it to me, popping the tab and taking a swig before I answered him. "Didn't have to work tonight."

"And you're just now getting here?" he asked.

Emmett was a good guy and the only other person besides Jasper that I really spoke to, but that didn't mean we were best buds and I shared my life story with him. The same rules applied with making friends.

I took another drink of my beer. "I had shit to do." He just stared at me, and that was making me uncomfortable, so I pointed to the beer bong, saying, "We gonna do this or what?"

I didn't wanna talk, didn't wanna do anything but drink and possibly get laid.

He smiled again. "We sure as hell are."

We played five or six rounds, Jasper joining us at round two, but Emmett dominated. I told him that, had it been hard liquor, I would have kicked his ass. He laughed then flipped me off. "That's bullshit, Cullen. I'd just get Rose in here, because you know she'd drink your ass under the table."

"Ain't that the truth," Jasper agreed. "Where does she put it all, anyway?"

"I wondered that too," Mike added. "She may be taller than most the girls here, but she's still a girl."

"What? You fuckers don't think a girl can out-drink your sorry asses?" We all turned in the direction of the voice, knowing instantly who it was. "Because I'd be more than happy to kick each one of your asses just to show you otherwise."

Emmett wiggled his eyebrows, wrapping one of his arms around Rosalie's waist. "My girl's got many talents."

I shook my head. "Sick fuck." He clapped me on the back with his free hand, laughing. "You got anything harder than beer?" He pointed toward his dad's mini bar in the living room. I left just as Jasper asked Rosalie where Alice was.

I pushed through more bodies as I made my way toward the far wall of the living room where the bar was located. I walked behind it and scanned the bottles, not finding any Patron. I kneeled down to check the cabinets and see if he had any stashed in one of them before I found some other shit to drink.

I searched through them, finally finding a bottle. I figured I would because Emmett's dad loved Patron. He was the reason I started drinking it to begin with. I pulled the cap off, tipped the bottle back, and took a huge swig. It burned going down, but I welcomed it.

I took another drink before I stood up. I started making my way around the bar when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around quickly, coming face to face with Bree.

"Hey." She smiled. I nodded back at her. "I was wondering if you'd end up coming. I'm glad you did."

"Yeah?" I asked, one eyebrow lifting.

She nodded. "I was just about to leave when I saw you."

I leaned in closer to her, whispering near her ear, "Well, looks like you don't have to leave now, do ya?"

She shivered beside me, then shook her head. I smirked at her before taking another drink. "Do you…" She looked up at me underneath her eyelashes, acting all shy and shit, then glanced toward the main area of the living room where a bunch of people were dancing. "Do you want to dance?"

I didn't dance. It wasn't that I couldn't dance; I chose not to. What was the point? It seemed too intimate to me, and I didn't do intimacy. Besides, I didn't want to go out there with all those people and dance when all I felt like doing was drinking and fucking. I was probably a hypocrite for saying that shit, because some people argued that sex was intimate, and maybe it was for them, but when I did partake, I fucked. There was nothing intimate about the way I fucked. Intimacy led to feelings, and I'd already been more than clear on how I felt about feeling for anyone.

I shook my head. "I'd rather not."

She pouted her bottom lip, reaching for my hand. "Please, Edward. One dance and then we'll leave."

"What makes you think I wanna leave?" I said, smugly.

She leaned forward, rubbing her hands over my chest. "Because I'll make you feel good if you do."

I tipped the bottle back again, then gazed down at her. She wanted me, I could see that, but the fucked part was that seeing her want me like she did didn't even make me hard. A few days ago, I would have been. I had alcohol going through me and was feeling some of its effects, not to mention the fact that I'd been hard most the goddamn day, but right now, looking down at this girl, everything was wrong. She was wrong.

I was gonna do it, though. I was gonna go with her. I was going to give her what she wanted, because maybe if I did, I'd get what I wanted too. Maybe I could fuck Bella right out of my head.

I glanced up toward the crowd of people, opening my mouth to tell Bree what she wanted to hear, when I spotted brown hair and the body I'd wanted to bury myself in all day. She was actually out there, dancing. I was instantly hard again.

Bodies had parted just enough for me to see her. I had no idea she'd be here; I assumed she'd be working, but I was obviously wrong about that.

I didn't even realize I was moving toward her until she was no longer this small body swallowed up in a crowd of people. I was just a few feet away from her now. I didn't say shit to Bree, just left her by the bar. She was probably pissed, but I didn't care.

Bella's back was still to me, and she was swaying her hips to the music. I watched the way her ass moved from side to side as she attempted to stay in sync with the beat. She seemed uncomfortable, definitely out of her element, but since she was beside Alice, I figured that was the only reason she was dancing at all. Alice had a way of getting shit she wanted. All I had to do was look at the way Bella was dressed to know it was all Alice. She still had on a shirt that came up to her neck, but everything molded to her body perfectly. I could see every fucking curve, making me want to touch her more.

People kept getting in my way, obstructing my view of her. It was pissing me off because I just wanted to watch her. I wasn't thinking, just reacting. I only knew what I wanted, and what I wanted was in front of me, trying to fucking dance with my sister.

I took another step forward, being pulled toward her. I couldn't have stopped it even if I wanted to. I was right there, almost behind her, so close I could smell her scent even with other people beside us, when another body stepped in front of me, putting his fucking hand right on her lower back. I wanted to rip his arm right from the socket.

She turned around, but her eyes didn't meet his. They met mine. It was like she expected me there. Her lips parted and she stared at me for a second longer, then looked right at him and smiled. She fucking smiled.

I instantly felt rage surge through my entire body, leaving me shaking. I knew she was taunting me, and it worked. One hand gripped the bottle tightly in my hand while the other fisted at my side. I wanted to break him, make him understand he wasn't to ever touch her again. She wasn't his to touch.

But she's not yours, either.

It was when that one rational thought entered my head that I was able to turn around before I fucking snapped. I pushed roughly through the crowd, not caring if I caused someone to fall. I just needed to get the hell away from her. She was making me lose my damn mind.

She'd had some kind of effect on me since she came here, but it seemed to increase last night during work and practically skyrocketed after that fucking dream. I didn't want this shit, but I couldn't seem to stop it.

I moved through the kitchen to the backdoor, ignoring Emmett when he asked me where I was going. I pushed through the door, slamming it shut as I stepped outside.

Don't fucking follow me out here. Don't fucking follow me. Please, follow me.

"Damn it," I growled. I started pacing, running my free hand roughly through my hair as I tried to figure this shit out. It was useless. Nothing explained what was happening, and anything I did think about only made me more frustrated.

I brought the bottle up to my lips and drank down what remained, not caring how much it burned down my throat. I just wanted the numbness again, the haze that took all this shit away so I didn't have to feel it, so I could get my head cleared enough to leave.

She must have known, must have heard me somehow, because the door opened and there she was, looking like the fucking angelic demon that she was.

"What the hell is your problem?"

"Leave it alone," I warned, tossing the empty bottle as I walked further into the yard.

Don't do it, Bella.

"No, Edward, I won't leave it alone." She followed behind me, her feet hitting the ground angrily. "What the hell was that back there, huh? You treat me like shit for no reason, and you do it every chance you get, but I-"

"Let it go, Bella," I seethed.

"No," she spat. "Not until you tell me what your problem is with me. I didn't do a damn thing to you, Edward. I purposely avoided you all day. You obviously hate me for whatever reason, so I stayed away from you. I didn't want to come here tonight, but Alice begged me, so I came. You show up out of nowhere, and the second some guy asks me to dance, you shoot daggers at me and storm off. You hate me that much that some guy-"

Okay, you asked for it.

I turned around abruptly and stalked toward her, causing her words to fall short as she backed up into a tree. I pressed my body against hers, pinning her against the tree and nearly fucking groaning out loud when I felt the heat of her body meld into mine. I wanted her so fucking bad. I wanted to rip her clothes off and claim her right here. "That guy never should have touched you."

She swallowed thickly, her voice small as she challenged me. "He can touch me if he wants."

I growled loudly. What the fuck did she think she was doing saying that shit to me? Was she trying to make me crazy? I could see she was scared, could feel her body trembling against mine, but I was too wound up to control myself. "Is this a game to you? Do you… Are you fucking enjoying this shit, Bella? What are you trying to do to me? This is messing with my head, but you won't… You're always… Fuck!"

She was breathing heavily, her warm breath like fire against my skin, making the want for her grow. I may have been able to step back, may have been able to find that last strand of control, but the moment she whimpered, the possibility of getting myself in check was long gone.

I pressed my mouth roughly to hers, groaning the moment my tongued pushed through the part in her lips and I was able to taste her. It was heaven and hell, and I was rejoicing and dying at the same time, but I didn't care because she tasted so good. There wasn't a hint of alcohol on her breath, just pure Bella.

Her hands found their way into my hair and she moaned as I pushed my body harder against her. Her body felt so good against mine. I was so goddamn hard, and I knew she could feel it, but I was so lost in the kiss, lost in her, and something about it was so fucking right. The way she felt, the way she tasted… it was right. And the fact that it felt so right scared the shit out of me. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to feel this. I wasn't supposed to feel anything, not when I could lose everything because of it.

I pulled my lips from hers as if she'd burned me and pushed myself off her by using the tree. I didn't have to look at her to know she was confused, and I refused to look at her. I stepped away from her as fast as I could and headed to my car.

I climbed inside, slamming the door shut behind me. As soon as I started up the car, I stepped on the gas, pulling out of the yard. I pounded my fists against the steering wheel, growling out my frustration, pushing the gas peddle practically to the floor.

I gave in, and I hated myself for it. It couldn't happen again. No matter how much I wanted it to, I had to do something to make sure it never happened again.