Posts
"Cry"
In places no one would find
All your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
It was then that I realized
That forever was in your eyes
The moment I saw you cry
I wanted to hold you
i wanted to make it go away
I wanted to know you
I wanted to make your everything, all right...
He stared up at me, eyes widened almost saucer like in size. The panic over what kind of damage I may have caused him emotionally nearly seized me, locking me down and leaving me immobile. I'd been so careless speaking aloud like that, even if my words had only been a whisper. I didn't take into consideration that he'd hear me because I just assumed he was sleeping. Deep down, part of me wanted him to hear, and that was selfish of me to consider when I had no clue as to how he'd react. I guess I just wanted him to see that what Aro told him about being loved was a lie.
I should have known assumptions weren't always accurate – the way he was looking at me proved that fact. I had no idea what he was thinking, and I was completely unable to ask him. I tried to move my lips, to say something in order to take the words back inside me so he'd be okay again, but I couldn't move. I felt like invisible steel held me down, keeping me completely paralyzed to do anything but look at him.
It was too late, though, to take back what he heard. The words fell from my lips, hitting the air and directing their path straight toward his ears. There were always repercussions to actions, regardless of good or bad, every made decision causing an effect. The problem was I had no idea what effect my words were going to cause; I couldn't make out from his expression. But if it were possible, I would take them back if it meant bettering him in whatever way he needed, even if swallowing them down shredded me inside. Because, admittedly, it felt good to voice those words aloud. It was becoming harder each passing day to hold in the fact that I was in love with him.
He sat up slowly, that same expression of shock seemed unending in his features. I pleaded with God to grant me one moment inside his mind so I had an idea of what he was thinking. When he was fully upright, his arm pressed against mine and I could feel his body trembling. I felt sick to my stomach then, knowing I was the reason behind the trembling. Was he afraid of me, of what I said? Did he think I expected something from him in return?
I was steeling myself for something to happen, but I couldn't be sure what. Maybe he'd pull away from me, or maybe he'd do something else entirely. God knows he'd always had something taken from him, but he'd never been given anything in return. I wanted to tell him the only thing I wanted was to give him my heart, and I didn't expect anything in return from him. He didn't have to love me back, ever, but to know that despite what he believed about himself, he could be loved. My God, it was so easy to love him.
"B-Bella," he whispered.
I wanted to cry, because he sounded so broken in the way he spoke my name. I swore I'd never hurt him, and it seemed I'd done the very thing I swore I wouldn't do, all in the name of clearing my conscience.
"I'm sorry," I cried, the now present tears obstructing a portion of my vision. "I'm so… very sorry. I shouldn't… I wasn't thinking about how-"
"You..." he paused, swallowing hard, "love me?"
The plea behind that question was audible in the way he asked, but the fact that he was trying to comprehend what he heard, like it wasn't real, was evident too. I blinked away the tears, feeling them hot and wet as they slid down my cheeks. His eyes were still watching me and the shock was still seeable, but there was so much feeling hidden in their green depths, the intensity of all that emotion consuming me entirely.
I closed my eyes before answering, caught up in the way I felt for him, the way his eyes pleaded for me to give what he asked. "I do."
"Say it again," he choked out, so overwhelmed in the way he responded, as if he needed to hear it again in order to allow himself to believe I really said it.
"I do," I repeated.
"No." He shook his head, speaking in a crushed whisper. "That's not what I… Bella, I need… I don't know if it's real."
He stopped midsentence, but he didn't have to continue for me to know what he wanted. He wanted me to say those three words that changed everything. Those three words that would make real for him what he never believed could happen… that someone would love him.
I opened my eyes, meeting his beseeching ones. The tears that hadn't stopped, even with my eyes closed, fell freely now that they weren't contained by shut eyelids. I stared at him for a long moment, allowing my eyes to travel across his face. He was so beautiful, the inner beauty seeping to the outside, making him practically shine.
I'd always felt out of step, never really knowing where I fit in, but as I gazed at him now, I was finally aware of what I was meant for. If there was never anything else in this world I was meant to do, I was meant to love him, and I needed him to know that. "I love you."
He groaned out this pained sound that became stifled by his faltered words. "How could you… love me?"
"It's so easy to love you," I breathed.
He shook his head, a single tear sliding down his cheek. "It's not." He glanced down at himself. "Look at me. How could you love… this?" He lifted his hands, directing toward himself.
He stared up at me, then back down at his lap, shaking his head. The way he saw himself, it was tainted by Aro's words. He truly believed he was unworthy of anything good.
I reached for his right hand, placing his shaky fingers against my cheek. That familiar, soothing sensation that passed between us was intensely electric against my skin, traveling its way through my body. No one had ever come close to making me feel the way he did.
This was so new to me, feeling this way about someone. And honestly, it terrified me because I felt so much, but regardless of the fact that I was terrified of the unknown, what this change meant for us, I knew it was right - loving him was right. So I was going to do what I needed to do and push the fear aside to help him manage his. I'd at least had the experience of love… he hadn't.
I lifted his chin, feeling resistance at first. His eyes finally met mine, but they were glassed over by tears. "How could I not love you?"
"I'm not… I can't give you what I should."
I cupped my hands around his face, making eye contact, attempting to express with mine how much he meant to me, and that whatever he was inside, it would always be enough. "You give me more."
"Bella, I-" he paused, closing his eyes as he groaned almost painfully. "I shouldn't want …" His words trailed off into nothingness.
"Edward, please look at me." I ran the pads of my thumbs along his cheek bones, soothingly, hoping to calm whatever anxiety he was feeling. I didn't expect that learning I loved him would be easy, because the fact that it was even possible to him would be jarring enough.
I also needed him to understand that just because I loved him didn't mean I expected the same in return. It seemed almost an eternity before he finally opened his eyes. "Listen to me, okay? What I said to you, about me loving you, that doesn't mean that I expect you to love me back. I don't want you to feel any obligation to me for anything, alright? I'm worried that's what you'll believe, that I'd expect you to do that. I swear to you that's not the case. You breathing, smiles on your face, being able to spend time with you, just being able to know you, that's enough for me. There are no strings attached to the way I feel about you, I just-"
The hand he had pressed against my cheek moved across my mouth, and his still trembling fingers cut off my words. He closed his eyes again, leaning forward so that his forehead was pressed against mine.
"Bella," he uttered softly, his warm breath whispering across my face. "I've never had love. I don't know what I'm… I don't know how to put into words what's inside me. In here." He reached for one of my hands, placing it against his chest, directly over his heart, covering it with one of his own hands. "But I feel something here because of you. It hurts when you're gone. I feel… hollow, like you go and take some of me with you. I miss you being here, and the only thing that helps is thinking about you and knowing you'll be back. I… I'm afraid I won't say it right."
"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to."
"I want to," he told me. "I've never had to explain feelings before. No one ever wanted to know, so it's not… I may not be good at it, but I want to give you words if I can't give you anything else."
"Edward, you don't-"
" Você faz meu coração doer de uma maneira boa."
"I don't know what that-"
"My heart," he interrupted, "it aches, but not because it's a bad ache. It's not the ache I feel when we aren't together." He paused, as if he were trying to find the words. "It's hard to find the words to... It feels full, and it's overwhelming because I've never known this feeling before. You make me want to be in the light, Bella. You make me believe it's possible for me. I've never known someone like you. I never knew someone like you could exist. But you do, and you're here with me, and I'm afraid it won't last. I'm afraid because of the way I am, you'll go away from me."
I shook my head. "Leaving you is not a possibility."
"How do you know that?"
"I know because the moment I walk out that door every day, I leave a part of me here with you, and I take a piece of you with me. I know because nothing in my world feels right unless I'm with you. The mark you made on me, Edward, it's permanent."
"I don't want to hope that I can really have this and lose it," he whispered as he gazed down at our now linked fingers that were resting over his heart.
I used my free hand, grabbing his other one, and pressed his palm against my lips, placing a soft kiss there. "You won't ever have to know what it's like to lose it."
"I don't know what I'm doing, Bella." He gazed at me, his eyes pleading with mine. "Will you show me… how to be right for you?"
"You're already right for me," I promised. "But everything else, we'll learn together. There's no pressure, no expectations for anything, we'll just be," I told him. "I know I've had more experience with love than you, but not this kind, not what I feel for you. It's new to me, and I don't know what I'm doing either, but what I do know is I feel right when I'm with you. I've never felt anything more right.
"I know you think you don't deserve it, or that the only thing that someone could possibly feel is pity or disgust for you. I'm telling you that's not true. I'm telling you that someone can feel something unbelievably beautiful for you. Because what I'm feeling, it feels beautiful and good. It's scary, yes, because it's new, but it's still beautiful. And there's Marcus who loves you, too."
His eyes widened as he looked at me. "But how can he love-"
"I told you," I smiled. "You're easy to love."
He gaped at me for a long moment, shoulders slouching a little. "I don't know how he can feel anything for me when I wouldn't even see him."
I scooted even closer to him, practically making us one person because we were so close now. My skin prickled as goosebumps broke out across my body. This always happened when I was near him. "We'll work on the seeing him part, but he does love you and he understands."
Our faces were a breath apart now. "Bella," he breathed. His eyes looked into mine, searching. "Will you stay with me tonight?"
I was supposed to be staying with Alice, and I knew if I didn't stay with her she'd be upset, but I also knew I couldn't just get up and leave him. I could only hope Alice would forgive me. "I will."
He smiled almost bashfully. "Thank you."
I smiled back. "You're welcome."
"Can… Would it be alright if I hold you?"
My heart began racing steadily in my chest with anticipation of just being close to him all night. "Yes," I whispered. "Just… uh… just let me call Alice so she knows I won't be coming over."
His brow furrowed guiltily. "Are you… Am I keeping you from her?"
I shook my head. "You aren't keeping me from her." I'm keeping me from her because I can't leave you.
"I just don't want to be a reason-"
"You aren't." I cut him off, smiling. "I want to be here with you."
He reached up slowly, then brushed his fingers gently along my jaw. "Okay," he whispered.
I reluctantly left him and headed out to my truck to grab my tote bag and call Alice. She answered on the second ring. "Where are you?"
She did not sound happy.
"I'm still at the hospital," I told her.
"Well, I've been waiting for you. Hurry up and get here." I could hear her shuffling around, a noise echoing in the background that sounded a lot like a microwave. "I'm popping some popcorn, and I've prepared a night of sob worthy entertainment. You know what that means, don't you? John Hughes is our date for the evening. Oh, and a side of Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping is the grand finale."
"About that," I started. "I… uh… I won't be able to make it."
I tried to whisper the last part, I'm not even sure why, maybe to cushion the blow, but I knew she heard every word just as clearly as I'd spoke it in a normal voice because the loud intake of air, that was then exhaled just as loudly, made a whooshing sound into the speaker of my cell. That sound was followed by a growl.
"What do you mean you won't be able to make it?" Her voice was low, an unmistakable edge to the tone. "We had plans. You can't just not show up when we already have plans, Bella."
"Well, I just-"
She didn't let me finish, her voice raising an octave. "Bella, you promised me. You promised you'd be here tonight. I should have known in going there you'd break your promise yet again. You know I've been supportive, kept everything you've told me about Edward between us, but all I ask is a little time with my friend in return, and you can't even give me that. That hurts."
"I'm sorry, Al," I told her. "But this is different. I didn't come here with the intention of staying. I only wanted to check up on him, but-"
"There's always a reason, Bella." The tone of her voice made the guilt in hurting her cut that much deeper. "I know he needs you, but he can't be the only one who gets all your time. You have family and friends who don't know about him and you're cutting yourself off from everyone. What do you think will happen once they really become interested in why that is? I don't want to sound selfish here, Bella, because I know you love him, but you have to think about the other people in your life who care about you. They need you too."
"Don't you think I know that, Alice?" I gripped the cell tighter in my hand. "You think I don't miss everyone? I do, but my heart is always left with him when we aren't together. I know I have obligations and responsibilities that don't include him, I know I need to give more of my time to my family and friends, but none of those people, you included, have lived the life Edward has. We all have someone waiting for us at home, caring about us, friends to lean on when our lives go in a direction we don't want them to go. All he has is me and Marcus, and he can't let himself be around Marcus yet. He needs consistency if he's ever going to get better, and that's what I've given him. I won't be another person to take something from him. He's lost enough."
"Bella, I just… I know this, okay? I don't know him personally like you do, but I want him to have all the things you want for him too. I also want you to have what you should as well. I know I don't say it enough, but I'm so proud of what you've taken on to help him, but you can't shoulder it all. It's too much, and I'm so afraid you're going to exhaust yourself. I worry about you, okay? You're my best friend, and I miss you, and I just want-"
"He knows, Alice," I interjected.
She paused momentarily, as if she were mulling my words, before she spoke again. "Umm… he knows what?"
"That I'm in love with him."
"What?" she squealed. "Did you… did you tell him?"
"Kind of," I replied.
"What do you mean kind of?" she asked. "Spill it, Bella."
"I don't know. I thought he was asleep, but he wasn't."
I could practically hear the curiosity permeating her little body. "How did he react? Does he love you, too? I bet he does."
"I mean, it was a bit of shock for him. He grew up believing he could never be loved, so to find out what you believed all your life is a lie, well, it's not exactly easy to take in."
"I get that, but what did he say?"
"He told me that he didn't understand what he felt because it was new or even how to explain it, and I made his heart ache, but not in a way that was bad." Goosebumps formed as I replayed his words in my mind and aloud for Alice. "He said it felt full, and that was overwhelming for him. He told me that he felt empty when I wasn't with him, and he asked me if I would show him how to be right for me."
"Yep," she sighed. "The boy's definitely in love with you, too. He just doesn't know how to reiterate that because he has nothing to compare it to."
"He asked me to stay with him, and after everything being so overwhelming for him, I just couldn't tell him no. I'm sorry, Alice. I know I haven't been much of a great friend to you lately, but I will make it up to you if it's the last thing I do," I promised. I was determined it wouldn't be empty either.
"I'm going to hold you to that," she chuckled. "I just… I know I seem like a spoilt child sometimes, but it's only because I miss you. I know you need to be with him, but I just want a little bit of your time, okay? And I want you to have time for Emmett and your dad. I know they miss you when you're gone, even if they don't voice it much. This is gonna sound selfish, and I really don't mean to be, but I need you as much as you need me sometimes, and there's really no one else I trust sharing things with but you. And I really do not feel comfortable talking about my love life with my parents. That's kinda gross."
I laughed. "Okay, tomorrow night I'm all yours, and we'll discuss that love life of yours."
"You promise to keep this promise?"
"I do. Cross my heart." I made the motion over my chest with my pointer finger, even though I knew she couldn't see.
"I love you, Bella. I hope you know that."
"I do. I love you, too, Alice."
"Now go back to that man of yours."
I laughed as I hung up the phone.
When I got back to the room, Edward was sitting on the edge of the mattress, legs straightened and resting on the floor, Lancelot sitting in his lap. He was running his fingers along the marred ear of the bear, his eyes focused toward the floor.
I stopped in the doorway, smiling at him. "Did you two have a party while I was away?"
He glanced up at me, one side of his lips turning upward into a grin as he shook his head. "No, no party. I was just… thinking and speaking it aloud."
"You were? And I missed that?" I teased. "I could have learned some valuable secrets."
His smile grew. "I won't keep anything from you. If you want to know, you just have to tell me. It's… I may not have the right words sometimes, it may be hard to tell you, but I will tell you whatever you want to know."
I moved across the room and sat down beside him, keeping my eyes on his. "I'll be honest and say that I get curious about what you're thinking, but I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me just because I want to know. I want you to do it because it's what you want to do."
"I want to do it, Bella. I want to do a lot for you." He licked his lips, then began speaking again. "I guess you should probably know that I… think many things, but most is about you. It didn't used to be that way, things weren't as nice inside my head then, but at night, when I tried to sleep and the nightmares would come, I'd picture your face or remember your voice."
I swallowed hard, feeling my face heat. "I guess thinking about me is a step up from bad dreams."
"It's more than that." He removed the hand clutched around Lancelot's ear and lifted it toward my face, palming my cheek. "I sometimes thought of things in colors when I was younger, like red was angry, blue was sad, black was empty. It was really the only way I knew how to express myself, and I was only allowed to do that in my own mind. I knew of yellow, but I never experienced it because, to me, it meant having a reason to smile. I never knew what the color of hope was. I wanted to know it so badly, and I never thought I would. But it wasn't until I met you that I realized it didn't necessarily have to be a color for me, it could be a person. You're my hope, Bella."
Every part of me sang for him and ached to be closer to him. The desire to stop moving forward was no longer a possibility, even if I'd wanted to, and I admittedly didn't. But I eased closer slowly, pressing my lips against his softly.
After a moment, maybe two, he hummed against my lips. I followed his sound with a whimper of my own. The kiss was not urgent, barely open mouthed, but it didn't need to be. It was just as consuming. We were simply enjoying the feel of each other's lips, and though it wasn't urgent, it was needed.
When we finally broke apart, both gasping for air, he pressed his forehead against mine, calming his breaths before speaking, "Meu calor, meu anjo."
"What does that mean?"
He smiled. "My warmth, my angel."
My heart thundered in my chest, overwhelmed with the intensity of love I felt for him. "So that's what that means," I breathed.
He gently wrapped his arms around me, moving as if he were afraid of making a mistake, and laid us down along the mattress so that my head was resting against his chest. This was the first time we'd really laid like this, and I could feel his hands trembling slightly. I reached for the one not holding me, lacing our fingers over his stomach as I snuggled closer, hoping to help ease him, show him he had nothing to worry about.
He clutched me tighter to him, pressing his face against the top of my head and inhaling. Neither one of us were in our pajamas, still wearing normal clothing, and neither one of us cared to move in order to change. I could hear the rhythmic thumping of his heart, echoing back that he was alive and safe. The warmth of his body, the security I felt in his arms, lulling me to sleep.
Finally, as his breathing evened to the point I thought he'd fallen asleep, he whispered so softly, "I told you I knew you were the color of hope."
I woke in his arms, unsure of the time and not really caring, his steady breathing causing my head to lift with the movement. I knew he was still asleep, so I scooted myself further up as gently as possible, and when I was beside him, our faces inches apart, I just lay there watching him, watching the way his eyelids fluttered as he dreamt, the way his lips parted and warm breaths escaped them. Every so often his forehead would scrunch slightly, and then soften seconds later.
I wondered what he was thinking about, and I hoped that whatever it was, it was bringing him peace. Of course, lying here beside him made the need to touch him with my hands intensify. His body was pressed against mine, we were so close together, but it wasn't enough.
I traced his face with my fingertips, eager to memorize every part of him, even the small scar I had never noticed before now at the corner of his right eye.
My fingers trailed upward toward his hair, my eyes following my fingers' movements, tenderly running through the softness. It was getting longer now, and I wondered if he'd let me cut it for him.
I was so engrossed in what I was doing that I missed the fact that he was awake and watching me. "Bella," he whispered.
My eyes immediately fell downward, seeing the sweet smile upon his lips. I smiled back, but continued to run my fingers through his hair.
"What are you thinking?" he asked.
"I was thinking that I'd like to cut your hair for you soon, if you don't mind me doing it."
"You'd want to cut my hair?" he questioned incredulously. The idea that I'd want to do that for him seemed almost impossible.
My eyes drifted back from his hair to his eyes, and I nodded. "Does that seem strange?"
He gazed into my eyes, like he was searching for an answer to a question. "I never thought about it. Aro mentioned once that Victoria cut it when I was young, but it wasn't often I'd have one when I was… The long length was easier for Aro to grab. It was only sometimes that he'd cut it and purposely cut my skin while doing it. I've been the only one since I've been here."
I never thought about what Aro may have done to him before I asked. "Aro will never hurt you again, but I should have given it more thought before I said anything. I asked because I want to do things for you, just like you said you wanted to do for me, but I won't do them at the expense of upsetting you."
"You won't hurt me." His words were not spoken in question.
"I won't ever hurt you," I affirmed.
"I believe you when you say you won't hurt me. I will let you… cut my hair, but not today, please? I just wanna hold you today. Can I do that?"
I pressed myself against him, feeling his arms wrap around me securely. "You can hold me as long as you want."
Three more days had passed since I told Edward I loved him. Those three days proved to be different for us, the air around us more charged and alive. I had still yet to cut his hair, but I blamed him for using his powers of persuasion to distract me. Though we didn't kiss a lot, those lips of his were still a deadly weapon.
His hair was not obnoxiously long, probably about an inch longer than I was used to, but I honestly believed he liked the length, only because I ran my fingers through it a lot, and I wondered if maybe he thought by cutting it I would no longer do it. That would certainly not be the case. I firmly decided I'd be cutting it by the weekend, his lips be damned.
He smiled a bit more, held my hand more. I caught him watching me more openly, and the adoration he felt for me was visible within his eyes and the way he reacted around me. He made it a point to keep as little distance between us as possible, like he needed some kind of physical connection between our bodies – being in the same room just wasn't close enough. I understood all too well. I craved the physical closeness with him, even just a brushing of the arms as we lay on the bed talking or watching movies.
He seemed to be acclimating himself more to the fact that I loved him as the days moved on, but there was still that glint of worry that what we had now would be stripped out from underneath him. I tried to show him as often as possible that my feelings were real, that nothing would change them. We knew the good and bad of each other, and the feelings we shared only grew because of it. He tried to be more open with his words in a way that I could understand, though he still spoke Portuguese often enough, not that I had any complaints about it because the language was beautiful.
It was just something he did instinctively when he was nervous about what he had to say, but he'd look at me after, seeing the confusion yet awe in the way he spoke it so fluently, and reiterate in English so I'd know what he said. I was determined, though, that I was going to learn how to speak Portuguese.
I'd also spent those three days when I'd been home Googling my college options and preparing myself for telling Charlie the news. Without question, it was going to be difficult. Charlie was dead set on me venturing off to college in early September. We'd discussed the possibility of a community college at one point due to finances, but he quickly shot that option down because he was determined that the dreams I'd made with Alice would be realized. The knowledge that that dream wasn't going to happen right now would upset him, but I needed him to know that I was okay with this. This wasn't just some childish decision on a whim, there was purpose behind it. I mean, I was still going to go to college, just not in the way Charlie initially planned… at least not for awhile.
I was hoping now that things were changing between Edward and me, he knew he was loved, that he'd be willing to push the boundaries some. I'd actually sat down with Alice and made a plan, seeing as I really needed another voice on this, and she was the only one besides Marcus who knew about Edward. Plus, it meant spending more time with her, and I wanted her to feel like she was included, that I trusted her implicitly. I knew this was something I needed to discuss with Edward too, but I wanted to be prepared first.
Getting him comfortable around other people was the first step. Next, I wanted to get him out of that hospital and living with Marcus, then eventually down the road hopefully living with me. Talking with Carlisle was figured into that time frame, because I knew that Edward needed to speak to someone professionally, but I needed to explain that to him without him thinking I believed he was mentally challenged or insane.
I could give him unconditional love and patience, unending support, but I was not a doctor, and deep down I knew that I was partially enabling him by not speaking to someone sooner. I just wanted him in a better frame of mind, to be better prepared emotionally and mentally for what was to come because it was going to be a long, hard road, before I involved anyone outside of my inner circle. No matter what, I was not going to allow him to be locked up. That simply was not an option.
I had questions about the type of care Edward would need, what would be expected of me in helping him get better and if there were any known cases such as Edward's that Carlisle knew about, but I was afraid to ask. Alice suggested coming over for dinner and talking with him, just throwing the subject on the table and using the excuse that I'd seen a program on The Health Channel that sparked my interest. It was tempting, definitely, but I told her I needed a little time to mull it over. I wasn't good at lying, everyone knew that, so I was going to have to master my poker face to broach the subject with Carlisle.
Alice promised she'd help me, but if I were going to follow through with my plans, getting the information from her dad was an intricate part of that. So that's how I found myself at her house on Friday night, sitting at the kitchen table across from her, Carlisle to my right and Esme to my left.
I began picking at my food, vegetable lasagna, nervous about the conversation we'd soon be having. Alice was eyeing me like a hawk, trying to distract me so I wouldn't seem so suspicious. I was completely missing that fact, though, until she kicked me under the table.
I dropped my fork, an audible "Oww." escaping before I had time to hold it in.
All eyes were now on me, Esme and Carlisle's concerned and Alice's glaring in warning. "Are you alright, Bella?" Esme asked.
I cleared my throat, averting my eyes from Alice's to hers. "Umm… yeah, I just bit my tongue while chewing."
She nodded in understanding. "I've done that myself, and it's quite painful. You sure you're alright, Dear?"
"I'm fine," I told her.
"So," Alice began, straightening her posture and turning her attention toward her father. "How was work today, Dad? Any huge crisis we'll read about in the paper tomorrow?"
She wiggled her eyebrows and he laughed at her. "No, not today, Sweetie, but you know that even if there had been, I can't discuss that with you."
Alice laughed. "I had to give it a try."
Carlisle smiled, shaking his head. "As you always do."
"Well, Bella and I… we kinda saw something exciting today."
Here we go, I thought.
His eyebrow lifted as he glanced between us. "Really?"
She nodded. "We were watching The Health Channel, don't ask me why, but they had this medical show on. You know I don't know a lot of terms and stuff, but it was centered around people who are victims of abuse and other traumatic events that have secluded themselves away from other people, some of them for years."
She glanced at me briefly before continuing. "One guy was abused most of his life and was actually living in this abandoned warehouse for seven years when he was found. It was really sad, but we didn't get to finish watching it because Jasper came by. I was wondering what happened to him."
"That's heartbreaking," Esme voiced. "The abuse alone is terrible, but to be isolated on top of it? I can only imagine how damaging that would be."
"What program was this?" Carlisle asked curiously, but his eyes were on me.
I swallowed nervously, but Alice answered, deflecting his attention from me to her. She rolled her eyes convincingly as she answered. "Dad, seriously, how often do I watch stuff like that? I didn't care about the name of the show. I just thought the subject was strange, so I watched it for a few minutes."
"That's true. You aren't one for reality shows."
"Unless it's America's Top Model," she added.
He laughed. "That's also true." He took a drink of his sweet tea, then glanced between us again. "So what brought this topic up?"
"You know how I like juicy gossip, Dad. I always ask you for the goods at the hospital, so I was curious if you'd ever come across someone like that?"
He shook his head. "You know I don't volunteer the information of my patients either, but I can't say that I have. I've heard of cases, yes, but I've never dealt with one personally?"
"But what would happen to someone like that?" I asked. The need to know caused me to speak without thinking.
His brow furrowed. "Well, it's hard to say unless I've personally evaluated the person. My field of specialty isn't Psychology, though I've dappled in it. You have to remember, no case is the same, and I suppose it depends on their mental state when they're found. Being locked away from the world after undergoing that extent of trauma, there are going to be scars mentally, as I'm sure there would be physically, but that doesn't mean they can't function normal enough with the proper guidance. Things like that could take years, depending on the extent of trauma.
"They'd receive any medical care they needed, and their mental state would be evaluated if there was anything questionable when they were detained. If they were deemed a danger to themselves or others, the chances of them being placed in a hospital are pretty cut and dry. Otherwise, other measures of aiding them would be discussed and recommended. There are steps taken to give the patient the best possible care, in or out of a hospital. And being a recluse doesn't mean being locked away in a hospital."
"That guy on the television, they said he was afraid of being outside and he was afraid of men because a man abused him. So does that mean he has to be hospitalized?" Alice asked.
"This guy on the television," he started, "he sounds like he may possibly be suffering from a combination of phobias. It seems it could be Agoraphobia and Androphobia, to be specific. But again, I can't say for sure unless I treated him."
"What are those?" I questioned.
"Agoraphobia is when a person has a generalized fear of leaving their home or a small familiar 'safe' area, and a possibility of panic attacks might follow. Androphobia is the fear of men. Various methods are available to treat phobias, and the benefits vary from each person," he explained.
Alice scrunched her nose. "Does that mean a person with Ag... umm… those phobia things you said have to be put in a mental institution?"
He shook his head. "No, it does not, but seeking help from a Psychologist is the best possible route for them."
"But what if they get better on their own?"
"I don't see a possibility of them getting entirely better on their own, but if there is improvement without the aid of medical intervention, then I'd say it could be something else of a milder degree. I would without a doubt highly recommend a form of intervention, because that kind of mental trauma is not something a person just gets over. But a phobia is still a possibility. Having a phobia does not mean you're insane or that it's not manageable. It doesn't make you any less a person, but depending on the severity, it can limit you." He grabbed his napkin, wiping his mouth. Alice and I glanced at each other, believing he was finished speaking, but the moment he dropped his napkin on the table beside his plate, he continued.
"Phobias are most generally caused by some event that was mentally recorded by the amygdala and hippocampus, then it's labeled as deadly or dangerous. Treatment replaces the memory and reaction to the event with something more realistic and rational. Honestly, most phobias are irrational, in the sense that they are perceived dangerous, but in actuality they are not threatening to a person's survival in any fashion.
"If I knew of someone like that, I would do whatever I could to get them the care they needed. Phobias can be debilitating if they aren't managed. That's not a life I'd wish on anyone when there are medicines to prevent that debilitation."
Esme stood from the table and began gathering the plates. "Well, I'd certainly hope that if someone knew of someone like that, they'd get them to a doctor right away."
Carlisle took a final sip of his tea, then stood up, leaning over to kiss the top of Alice's head. "I have to excuse myself for a little while and take care of some work related business, but I quite enjoyed our conversation, girls. It's not often I get to have medical conversations with my daughter, let alone my daughter and her friend."
I glanced at the now bared tablecloth in front of me, replaying what Carlisle had just told us. It wasn't until Alice and I were alone in the dining room that Alice spoke in a low tone. "You okay?"
"I had no idea," I whispered.
"What are you going to do?"
I fiddled with the tablecloth while trying to process everything. "I need to talk to Marcus about what Carlisle told us. But before I tell Carlisle about Edward, I need to talk to Edward. He needs to know that if these phobias are what he has, medication can help him. He needs to know he has that option, that what is happening to him isn't because he's wrong inside."
"You never believed he was wrong inside, Bella."
"It's not about what I believe, because I know he's not, but it is about what he believes."
"When are you going to tell him?"
I sighed in resignation. "As soon as possible."
Você faz meu coração doer de uma maneira boa = You make my heart ache in a good way
Meu calor, meu anjo = My warmth, my angel
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