Sunday, January 24, 2010

CF - Chapter Eleven: Underneath it All

Chapter 11: Underneath it All

"Maybe"
Everlast
Maybe you could tell me about your worst fear
Don't say it out loud, whisper in my ear
Ain't never felt nothing' like this here
Maybe you can see things a little more clear
Dry away your tear

Bella

After leaving Edward's Sunday, I spent the majority of the day with my parents at home. Charlie was looking much better than he had, returning to his awkward but loveable self.
The time I spent listening to Charlie talk about sports, his aggravation at being sick - which led to time away from work – and Renee talk about the store, it helped distract my mind from Saturday night… at least for a little while. Those moments where it was silent around the house, with me sitting on the couch waiting for someone other than myself to break through the quiet, I replayed what happened over and over with Edward.
I had let Edward touch me in a way no one ever had. Part of me was angry at myself for seeming so easy, because I wasn't easy, but with him I had a hard time saying no. Being with him, even if he still hid away a good portion of himself, it felt right. But as right as it felt, there was something so intense about the way Edward was with me. I believed it was most likely because he'd been so closed off, was still closed off, that he wasn't sure how to control himself emotionally.
And regardless of how much he made me want things I'd really never considered before, I had to draw a line. I had to, because once I gave myself to him, there was no getting back what I gave. I couldn't do that, not without knowing he'd accept me.
Renee had to touch base with the store later in the day, so I offered to prepare dinner. She declined, saying she'd just bring home pizza. Since I wouldn't be cooking, I decided to head upstairs to do the homework I should have already done. I was in the process of writing an essay on the Progressive Reform Movement for Government when my phone chimed. I lifted off my elbows and reached for it, grabbing it off my nightstand.
It was a text from Edward.
I'm still trying to decide how to punish you for earlier, but be sure I'll figure that shit out.
I chuckled at his assertiveness.
I'm sure you'll think of something, you know, with all that intelligence you have hidden away. -B
Goddamn right I'm intelligent.
With an ego to match. –B
Are you getting cocky with me, Swan?
God, I wasn't used to this side of Edward. It was so rare, but I enjoyed it when he showed it.
Now why would I go and do a thing like that? -B
I don't know, maybe a momentary lapse of fucking sense.
Now who's asking for a punishment? X-( -B
Are you offering?
Lol. I'm trying to do an essay right now for Government. You're distracting me. –B
Yeah, well, I'm sitting here on break bored as fuck, so I thought I'd bother you. I was, you know, thinking about you.
Oh, really? And what exactly were you thinking about? –B
Given that it was Edward I was having a conversation with, I knew that was a loaded question, but I still asked out of curiosity. Renee always said that curious was my middle name.
What you look like when you come.
I blushed.
Is that all you think about? -B
No. I thought about how you tasted, too.
What? He didn't-
You didn't taste me. –B
Yes, I did.
Oh, yeah, my neck. I thought for a minute you… uh… Never mind. -B
That's not what I meant, Bella.
If you're… I think I would have remembered you doing, well, you know. -B
What? Can't say the words? Besides, you were dozing off. You wouldn't have remembered shit.
I would have remembered you doing that. -B
You think going down on you is the only way to taste you like that?
Well, how else would you do it, then?-B
How do you think, Bella? I did have my hand on that pussy, and you did come on my finger.
Fielugusoeio -B
I hadn't realized I pressed keys and sent them until another text from him came through.
Enjoy doing that essay, Bella. I'll see you tomorrow. ;)
I could picture that smirk on his face. Damn him. He'd just delivered my punishment.

-OO-OO-

When I approached my locker, Alice was standing there waiting for me. The smile she gave once she saw me didn't meet her eyes.
"Hey," I said as I stopped beside her. "I didn't hear from you yesterday, did you forget to call me?" I teased.
"No, I just figured you'd like some time with your parents since you hadn't seen them all weekend."
I gripped the lock in my hand, giving her a furtive glance before twisting it to enter the combination. "You okay?"
She nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."
I hung my coat up, then leaned against my locker door, facing her. "You don't seem yourself this morning. Are you sure you're okay?"
Her face scrunched up in thought, then she sighed. "You remember that conversation we had, the one about you and Edward talking to each other about your pasts?"
"Yeah," I answered hesitantly.
"I think maybe you should."
"I should what?"
She gazed down at her feet. "Tell him. About your heart, I mean."
"I know what you mean," I told her. "But I just-"
"Look," she cut in. "I woke up Saturday night, bad dream, and saw you weren't in bed. I can only assume you were with Edward. I don't want details or anything like that, but there's obviously something going on between you. Edward, he's different with you. The way he treats you isn't the way he treats the rest of us. He actually talks to you."
"Alice, I'm sorry." I felt unbelievably guilty, because I felt like I was monopolizing what little feeling Edward gave. "I didn't mean to upset-"
She waved me off with her hand. "I'm not blaming you, Bella. It's not your fault at all. I think it's great he's actually feeling something good, you know? He's been so lost for so long, and I miss my brother. I hurt for the guy I know he could be. If you could bring him…" She paused, staring up at me with hopeful eyes.
"You did something the rest of us have tried so hard to do, but couldn't. You reached him, even if it's just a tiny bit. It's just… he's really sketchy about a lot of things now. You never know what's going to set him off. I think… I think if he found out about your transplant before you told him yourself, he might be upset about it. I know it's none of my business, and I know Edward can be a real jerk, but he's still my brother, and I love him. I guess what I'm saying is, I really think you need to tell him the truth if you're going to be with him. And I think he should do the same with you."
I nodded limply. "I know you're right, and I know he needs to know."
"You need to tell him then."
"I know," I choked out. "I tried to tell him, but things ended up happening. And then he…" I wavered, but took in a deep breath as my eyes rested on the books in my locker. "I couldn't let him find out that way, not with his fingers. Edward… He just can't find out that way."
"What can't I find out?" I heard behind me.
The air seized in my lungs, my blood ran cold, and tears immediately pricked the corners of my eyes as I spun around and faced him. He'd heard me.
"Edward," I breathed as the treasonous tears glided down my flushed cheeks.
He stepped toward me, confusion causing his eyebrows to pull together. "What's going on, Bella? What can't I find out?"
I glanced around, horrified, to the other bodies passing in both directions of the hall. They were watching. Of course they would be. A girl crying called attention, and the way the tears rolled down my cheeks, the way I was grasping at my turtleneck like it would magically propel me out of the knee deep disaster I was standing in, made me stand out like one of those neon signs that glowed brightly at night, lighting up the darkened sky around it.
But it wasn't just my reaction. Edward was talking to me. That was news in itself.
"Please," I croaked out while lifting my hand to brush away the tears.
His eyes flickered over to where I was looking. He noticed the others watching. He turned back to me, leaning forward to whisper, fleeting emotion within his eyes. "I obviously wasn't supposed to hear your conversation, but the fact of the matter is I did. You can't just say that shit about me finding out something you're obviously hiding, then expect me to not want to know what it is when it's about me. You need to talk to me, Bella."
"I… can't-"
"Bella, I want to-"
"Edward," Alice interrupted harshly. It was the first time I'd ever heard her raise her voice to him, but the way she stood grounded showed she was willing to risk a verbal lashing. "You overheard her, and I get you want to know, but don't you push her to give you what you want in this hallway with all these people watching. Don't you do that to her."
His eyes lifted from me to her. He gaped at her, his jaw strained, lips set in a tight line. I was waiting for him to berate her, but instead, he exhaled a heavy breath and was once again staring at me. "Come outside with me."
I glanced around. "But we're already inside, and class will-"
"We have time," he cut in. "Just come outside with me for a few minutes."
I nodded numbly, not even sure why I was agreeing, and grabbed my coat, saying goodbye to Alice – who remained at my locker watching Edward and me cautiously – before following Edward out the doors to the parking lot.
Neither of us said a word, not until we were down the stairs and standing beside another student's car because that's where Edward abruptly stopped. He searched the lot, then spun around, immediately looking at my face.
"So?" he questioned. "What am I not supposed to know, Bella?"
I lowered my head, my hair practically blanketing my face now, wishing I could crawl within myself and hide. I think I felt colder inside than the chill of air around us. "Can we just-"
"You don't get to do that shit right now," he interrupted, lifting my chin so I couldn't hide my eyes. "Don't fucking hide from me. Not now." He was actually pleading with me. "I heard you. I heard you say there was shit I couldn't find out, and I want to know what it is."
"Please don't," I whispered, hot tears of anguish sliding down my cheeks.
He shook his head. "Why are you hiding from me?"
"It can wait until after school. We'll talk then."
"I'm not going to sit and let this shit fucking eat at me all day. We'll just-" he paused, glancing toward his car, then gripped my hand like he meant to take me to it. His eyes lowered to our joined hands, widening, before making their way back to mine. "You're fucking shaking. Did something happen to… What the fuck is going on, Bella?"
This was the first time I noticed actual fear in Edward's eyes. My reactions were no doubt freaking him out.
"I can't do this here, Edward. Not here at school."
He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple visibly rising with the motion. "Then we'll leave right now and talk, okay? We can't just let… We agreed we wouldn't hide from each other, we'd be honest, but you're already keeping shit from me, and I want to know why."
I felt a rush of anger surge through me. Maybe it was wrong to be angry, because he was right, but I was still angry because I wasn't the only one concealing anything. It was a two-way street.
"That's rich coming from you," I spat. "Because I'm pretty positive I'm not the only one keeping secrets, Edward Cullen."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
The green of his irises darkened with ire, nearly faltering the words I was about to speak. I looked away, clearing my throat. "You can't tell me you have no secrets from me. You'd be lying if you said otherwise."
He grabbed my chin, turning me to face him. "I might have secrets and shit, Bella, but none that involve you. The one you're trying to avoid discussing, that involves me."
"I told you," I started, swallowing roughly to quelch the nausea rolling my stomach. "I can't talk about this here."
"But you're going to talk about it, right?"
"Well, I… We're at school."
He reached for my hand, clasping his cool fingers around mine, and pulled me toward his car. "Then we'll leave and discuss it somewhere else."
"We can't just leave," I gasped.
"Watch and fucking see," he answered firmly, his grip tightening on my hand.
I pulled against him, aiming to stop his attempt at getting me to his car. "Edward, we can't just leave."
He turned around, standing just inches from me. Even with the cool air whipping around us, I could feel the heat of his body permeating mine. "Why do you have to be so goddamn stubborn?" he growled. "This right here…" He pointed between him and me. "This is important enough to deal with right now."
I blinked perpetually, startled by the edge to his voice. I wasn't afraid of him, only afraid of what would happen once he knew about my scar and how I'd gotten it. Even still, as the fear that what we'd begun was coming to an end shredded its way icily through my veins, every cell of my being recognized him, recognized how close he was, and sparked heatedly, demanding the few inches of space between us to cease to exist. I bit into my lip as I attempted to curb my body's reaction to being so close to him. "We're already at school. We'll talk, but it can wait until-"
He stepped even closer, putting his body flush against mine. He stared down at me, his warm breath ghosting across my skin as he spoke. "Yeah, and we're already late, so what's the difference? We might as well make the most of it, right? You have shit to tell me, and I think while we have the opportunity to discuss it alone, we need to fucking take it."
I knew he was right, about the lack of time alone, anyway; we'd both be working later. He needed to know the truth, I knew that, and given what we'd already done together – I blamed my traitorous body and his unbelievable dirty talk, to which I almost wondered if he had a doctorate in that subject – it was only a matter of time before he found out.
I mean, the hourglass had already tipped the moment we decided to give in to what was happening between us, but now that he'd overheard me admitting I was keeping something from him, the sand ran dry. I was out of time.
I didn't want him finding out any way but me telling him, yet I knew once I did I'd lose him. And God I didn't want to lose him. As frustrating as he was, I wanted to keep him… if I had him at all.
Everyone had a breaking point, and my baggage on top of his was most certainly a breaking point.
But it was fight or flight time, right? Be a coward or hold my head up and bare my soul.
I guess if I was going to lose him, I may as well do it with my back straight, standing on my own two feet and with some dignity. But I was scared shitless. I was so damn scared to open myself up like that. Once he knew, if he looked at me with disgust, I'd-
Never let him break you, the voice inside my head chimed. Your own heart couldn't take you out. Don't let him.
Too little too late, I mentally replied back.
He was going to break me. Of that I was positive.
"Alright," I acquiesced. "But maybe I should drive my truck?" I didn't want to be stranded if things ended up going how I expected them to.
"Why is that? Are you thinking about running, Bella?" He was gauging my reaction.
I shook my head. "That's not… I wasn't-"
"We'll take my car." The finality in his tone left no room for argument.
We cleared the distance to his car, his heavy steps echoing off the hard pavement, and he opened the passenger door for me, shutting it after I climbed inside.
Once he was seated behind the wheel, he started the car, immediately turning on the heat. "It shouldn't take long to warm up. The motor isn't completely cold yet."
It was casual talk, mostly to clear the air of tension, but despite the effort behind it, it was still fruitless.
"Where are we going?" I asked as he pulled out of the lot.
His eyes remained on the road. "To my house. Carlisle's working a double shift, so he won't be home until late, and Esme will be in Port Angeles until five helping some friend with their shop."
"Are you sure we should go there?"
His head briefly turned my way, but it was long enough to see the exasperation on his face. "Bella, I'm not sitting in my fucking car, feeling caged in, while having a conversation with you that's obviously going to be heavy. I'd rather do that shit at my house where I can at least move around."
I shouldn't be surprised by his reaction. I supposed I'd be responding the same way if I were him, but it still hurt.
"Why are you being like that?" I whispered.
"Why are you being so secretive?" he shot back, and boy did the tone of his voice sting. I blinked away the tears that formed, but he saw them. "Fuck, I'm sorry, okay? I just… I don't like feeling like this. There's this weight on my chest right now, and things just started for you and me. I don't like feeling like I'm going to los-" he paused, running his free hand through his mussed hair. "I'm not doing this in the car. Let's talk about shit when we get to my house."
My head dropped forward, focusing on the way my hands fumbled nimbly in my lap. It was the only thing I could do to try to soothe the nerves. Talking was out of the question, considering I was about to do a lot of that. I needed the quiet, but minus the trepidation it provoked. I was pretty much left with no option but to drift along in my own anxiety. I wondered how it would play out if the roles were reversed.
They are, my mind reminded. He just doesn't realize you know.
After he pulled up in front of the house, he let the car idle for a moment before he turned it off. I opened my door first, he got out right after.
He never said a word as we walked toward the backdoor, and he remained silent as he inserted the key to unlock the door. He threw his keys on the counter top when we stepped inside, the heavy metal making a clanking sound against the marble, but his feet never stopped until he reached the fridge. He opened the door, grabbing two waters, then started moving again.
I thought we'd end up in the living room, but he moved right to the stairs, heading up them. I followed behind him, biting my lip as the unease soured my stomach even more.
He opened his bedroom door, allowing me to go in first. I took a few steps inside, gazing around the room. He had a full size bed against the right wall, a nightstand beside it. To the left of the bed was a closet. Sitting against the sectioned window that was nearly the expanse of the far wall was a small wooden desk, cluttered with papers, a desk lamp and a laptop. Across from his bed was a television stand lined with electronics. Adjacent to the stand on the left side was a bathroom, a book shelf bound with books and music on the right. The only thing unkempt about the room was his desk.
"You can have a seat on the bed." He strode past me toward his desk where he hung his jacket on the computer chair.
I stared at the back of his head as I shuffled toward the bed. My shaking hands went immediately to my lap as I sat down along the edge. A few seconds later, he was seated beside me. He was watching me, but didn't say a word, not until I finally turned my head to look at him.
He handed me one of the water bottles, and I gripped it tightly within my hands before setting it on the nightstand. "What's going on, Bella?"
"Right to the point," I sighed.
"We're passed all the shit, so what else is there?"
I glanced around, like I'd find something in his room that would somehow save me. "This is the first time I've been in your room. I didn't realize it was so big."
I caught his movement from the corner of my eye. He gripped my chin, making me face him. "Stop avoiding the question."
I inhaled a stunted breath, my eyes watering over. "I don't know if I can do this," I whispered.
"Well, we aren't leaving here until we get this shit figured out between us."
"You're so bossy," I mumbled.
He smirked. "That shit may be true for the most part, but this is worth being bossy over, so let's talk, alright?"
"You won't want… I really should have brought my truck." I bit my lip nervously, clenching my eyes shut to keep the tears from falling.
"You said that earlier," he remarked. "So tell me why you keep saying that."
"Because you won't want me here."
"Why?"
I turned my head away. "Because you won't."
"Don't do that. Don't hide from me, Bella." His finger was under my chin, urging me to look at him again. "Tell me why."
My bottom lip was trembling as much as my hands. "Because I'm not…"
"You're not what?"
"Don't make me stand on that ledge alone, Edward," I pleaded. I felt a lone tear escape and travel down my cheek. "Please don't do that."
"I don't even know what fucking ledge we're on here, Bella." He pinched the bridge of his nose before running his hands through his hair while shifting on the bed. "I don't know what's going on. I'm trying to figure it out, but you just won't give, and it's driving me goddamn crazy. You said earlier there was something I couldn't find out, now you're saying once I do I'll want you gone, but I'm saying that you need to let me decide that shit."
I remained silent.
"Are you… are you in some kind of trouble?"
I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of that question, considering I basically didn't go anywhere before moving to Forks, and even now, I mostly just went to school and work. "No, I'm not in any kind of trouble."
"Well, did someone hurt you?" He sounded pissed when he asked that question. "Did you see something you shouldn't? Are you in that witness protection program or some shit?"
I actually did laugh this time. "No, it's nothing like that."
"Then what is it? And why can you tell Alice but not me?"
I scooted back, pulling my right leg up, resting my hand on my calf. "It's about me, okay? It's just… it's personal."
He quirked an eyebrow. "Bella, I had my fucking hand down your pants. My finger was inside you, so I think we're way past personal."
"That's different. This is… it's made me-" I couldn't continue.
"Fuck, Bella," he growled. His patience was wearing thin. "I'm really trying here. I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to be yelling at you and shit, but I feel like we're going in circles here. Everything you say is cryptic, and I have no idea what to make of it. I need you to talk to me."
"I'm scared," I choked out.
"You need to trust me."
If my own fear hadn't been eating at me, maybe I would have recognized the significance of his statement.
I wiped at my tears. "I'm not… uh…"
"Bella." Another plea.
"I'm not whole, okay!" I shouted.
His eyes widened, like he was trying to process what I'd just said so he could understand the meaning. "What? I don't know what you mean."
I stood from the bed, moving toward the window. I didn't care that the tears were falling relentlessly now. I was hoping the ache they carried with them would swallow me up.
As I gazed out at the mass of trees behind his house, littered with fallen snow, I wished I was standing anywhere but where I was. But no matter how much I wished to be anywhere else, I was right there in Edward's bedroom where he was waiting for an answer.
"My heart," I whispered. God, it hurt to say the word, to open my soul and let him see things inside me I didn't want him of all people to see. Not him. He'd told me I was beautiful, and that had been a hard pill to swallow at first. I'd never been beautiful to anyone before, but he'd made me feel beautiful, and I just wanted to be beautiful to him a little while longer. Unfortunately, once I started, I couldn't stop. That's what happens when you bare your soul. It comes bleeding out, demanding to be heard. "It's not really mine."
I felt him behind me. My body was so damn responsive to his. "I really don't understand what you're telling me here."
I turned around, swallowing down my sobs, but I refused to wipe away the tears now. I was going to own my grief. "The heart in my chest, I wasn't born with it."
"What?" I thought his eyes were going to pop right out of their sockets.
I turned back to the window. I felt a sense of ease, like I wasn't boxed in, while surveying the forest beyond Edward's yard. It was such a vast, open space, and I mentally projected myself there. "Because of Cardiomyopathy, meaning my heart was diseased, I had to have a transplant. I have a scar down the center of my chest that starts below my breasts and stops a few inches under my collar bone. I have to take immunosuppressive medication everyday for it. Once you have a transplant, you deal with the repercussions for the rest of your life. You have a reminder every day.
"My illness, it's why my parents and I moved here, why they took over the store. They… uh… they went bankrupt trying to take care of me, and they needed the money."
"You're not… you're not dying now, are you?" I heard the strain in his voice, especially when he said the word 'dying'. I imagined the color was probably drained from his face, too.
I shook my head, making out his reflection in the glass. I mused on how my soul was literally as see through as he appeared to be in the window. "I'm not dying, Edward. Not today, anyway. That's why I had the transplant."
"When did you-"
"Almost two years ago," I answered flatly.
"Carlisle is a doctor and shit, but I don't know much about medicine. But I do… uh… I do remember hearing people who've had a transplant don't live all that long after. Is that right?"
"It varies with each person. There have been recipients who have lived longer than ten years. There's one living now who had a transplant thirty years ago."
"Yeah, but you're going to..." He sounded so distant.
"Die? Eventually, yes. We all die, Edward. When it's our time, we die, and there's nothing anyone can do about it."
"God could change it." His tone was bitter.
"It's not that simple."
He cursed, and I sighed, turning around. The shoe just dropped. "I can't even…. Fuck!"
As I stared at him, I recognized what I was seeing there. "I see the look in your eye, and I know exactly what that means. I knew exactly what would happen once I told you. Now that you know I'm not perfect, that I'll never be perfect, you can tell me to leave."
"What? I can't believe… Look, I'm not going to say it doesn't shock the hell out of me, because it does, but you're seriously misreading shit."
"Well, if it's pity I see, then I really don't need that either."
"I don't fucking pity you, Bella. I just don't do well with… I'm not good with death." His obvious disdain for death was evident in the way he said the word.
Was that the kiss-off I was waiting for? I assumed so, I knew I should leave now, but I responded to him, even with the bitter taste of dread on my tongue. I cared too much already. "A lot of people aren't good with death, but it's a part of life."
I watched his eyes shift to the window, and as I stared at him, I really saw him now, saw how my truth drew out the vulnerability of his. He had a heavy heart, one that weighed him down by the pain he carried inside. Because of that, because of what he knew about me now, he wasn't going to be able to let me in. That was the ledge I was talking about. I'd jumped it alone, and I'd land it alone, too.
"I'll go," I uttered.
He didn't say anything as I moved past him, each step heavier than the last. How ironic that was, considering I felt like I was leaving more of myself behind with each step away from him.
I reached the door knob, gripping it within my shaking hand, when the sound of his voice draped over me. "I don't want you to go, Bella."
My hand gripped the door handle tighter. He came up beside me, removing my hand, clasping his around mine, then pulled me back to the bed. Since Saturday, he'd been so different with me, more resolved somehow.
"I don't know what the fuck to say. I got shit going on in my head that's not about… I just know I don't want you to leave. Letting you walk out feels wrong."
"You don't have to say anything. This isn't your burden to carry."
"Is that why you didn't want to tell me?"
I shook my head. "I didn't want to know what you'd think of me afterward."
He rubbed his forehead, like he was trying to massage away the creases that began during our conversation. "So you thought I'd hate you or some shit?"
"I'm scarred, Edward. My body will always be imperfect. I refuse to look at you and see disgust because of that."
"No one's perfect. We all have scars, Bella."
I hmphed. "Not like this they don't."
"You'd be surprised," he mumbled. I didn't answer back, because he was right. Some scars you couldn't see, they were soul deep, but that didn't mean they didn't maim you. Edward's scars were soul shredders.
He observed me for a moment before scooting closer to me. "Let me see it."
"What?" I gripped my turtleneck.
He was determined, that was obvious. "I want to see what you think is so damn hideous."
I shook my head frantically. I felt panicked. "I can't. I'm not ready to sh-"
He placed his hand against my chest, and I flinched. "Then let me touch it. You're not ready to show me, I get that, but let me touch it at least."
"Edward, I-"
"Let me," he pleaded. "I'm an asshole, Bella, we know that, but I'm not a fucking asshole."
His eyes stayed with mine, but his hand slowly trailed down until it reached the hem of my shirt. When his fingers moved underneath my shirt, coming in contact with my skin, I tensed. I had to close my eyes the further up they moved because I couldn't bring myself to look at him out of fear of what I might see.
As his fingers grazed the bottom of my scar, my breath caught. I felt suffocated, like I was being held under water. I was terrified of what he might be thinking.
He trailed up the expanse of the scar slowly, like he was trying to learn each blemished edge. He was quiet for such a long time, but he kept touching, kept exploring my scar.
"It's soft," he whispered.
"It's ugly," I croaked.
My emotions made me so transparent, and I was failing miserably at shutting them down. I hated that because I needed some kind of dignity to hold on to if I had to walk out of his house not wanted anymore.
The silence grated my insides. He was so quiet, and I was mentally on bended knee, begging for some kind of response, regardless of what it might be. Finally, I received one.
"It's part of you. And I happen to think you're fucking beautiful."
That final wall blocking my emotions crumbled, scattering into thousands of pieces, and I became a sobbing mess. But Edward wrapped himself around me gently, promising that he didn't see me any differently, that my scar wouldn't make me any less beautiful to him, that he meant what he said when he told me he wanted me however I was.
I was wrong, the shoe hadn't fallen yet, but that didn't mean it still wouldn't.

-OO-OO-

It was the following Friday, over a week since I told Edward about my transplant, and I sat at the lunchroom table across from him, picking at my food when I wasn't watching him from my peripherals. The most physical he'd been with me was holding my hand, and that was mostly when we were alone. Everyone pretty much knew there was something going on between us – I ended up with some nasty remarks aimed in my direction from Bree Roberts, some of her friends and strawberry blonde while at work – because we didn't deny it, but neither of us were really comfortable with PDA. He was, however, different with me, and the change in him had me on edge.
It wasn't about sex, because I wasn't really sure that I was ready to take that step with him, but shit, I expected something more than what was happening or lack thereof. I'd just appreciate warm arms around me, embracing me in a strong hug, instead of the loose grab he gave. He wasn't being himself. He wasn't being Edward.
In my mind, that was conclusive to him being disgusted by me. The signs were there, what with the whole barely touching thing. But I'd catch him staring at me, looking me up and down or watching my lips while I talked, and I'd swear when I stole a glance into his eyes before he had time to blink or turn away, there was hunger within them, like he wanted so much more than hand holding.
He was like a coin, but I never knew which side was flipped up, and the second I thought maybe I had it figured out, he'd do something to prove me wrong. I was so damned confused by the way he was acting.
I kept waiting for things to change back, thinking maybe he just needed some time to adjust to what he learned about me, because it was a bit shocking to learn, but I wasn't so sure it was that anymore. I mean, it had been eleven days. Maybe it had to do with me, that he couldn't get past the scar. But I was still the same person I'd been before I told him.
I sighed loudly as I dropped my fork on my tray. Everyone's eyes landed on me, but I avoided only one set, though I could feel him watching me.
"Hey, spitfire," Emmett said. "You okay?"
I nodded. "Yeah, just having a bit of an off day." I stood up, grabbing my tray. "I'll see you guys later, I'm going to class."
I still felt Edward's eyes on me as I left the lunchroom.
As soon as Edward took his seat beside me in Biology he leaned to his side, whispering, "What's wrong with you?"
I shook my head, keeping my eyes on the front of the class. "I'm fine. We'll talk later." The sound of the bell saved me from any more communicating. There was no way I was having that discussion with him in school, and thankfully, he didn't push me to.
I didn't have to work that evening, so I didn't see him again until I arrived at the store to pick up my check. I waited to do so until right before he got off work. Not knowing what was going on with him had pretty much frayed my last nerve, eating at my insides, and I needed to know where we stood. I had to know before stopping myself from falling in love with him was no longer a possibility. It probably already was, anyway.
I followed behind him as he was leaving, heading through the backroom to clock out. I waited until he punched his timecard and placed it back in its slot before I started speaking.
"Am I that disgusting to you that you don't want to do anything but occasionally hold my hand?"
He stopped where he stood, spinning around. "What?" he asked incredulously.
I stepped toward him. "I know I'm not beautiful, and my scar makes it-"
He pushed me toward the exit, slamming the door hard behind him, and he didn't stop until we were shielded behind the far wall of the building from prying eyes.
"Let's get one thing straight," he demanded. He was towering over me, eyes blazing green fire. "You are fucking beautiful, so don't say that shit. Your scar doesn't change that."
"If that were true, why don't you really hug me?"
He turned his head, giving me a sideways glance. "I hug you."
I shook my head. "No, you kinda just place your arms on me, lean in, then pull away. You don't have to be with me, Edward, if that's what this is about. If you don't want me, then-"
The next thing I knew, I was pinned between the brick wall of the building and Edward's body. "You think I don't want you?" he growled. "I want you so fucking bad I'm about to lose my goddamn mind, Bella."
My eyes were on his mouth as I spoke. "Then why are you…" I trailed off.
He took a step back, but lifted his hand, wrapping one of my curls around his pointer finger, his knuckles lightly brushing against my breast. "I can't… I don't want to hurt you."
"Are you… are you serious right now? You're treating me just like my parents, like I'm an invalid who's too weak to be touched," I accused. "I had a transplant, Edward, but that doesn't mean I'm fucking breakable."
He was becoming frustrated. I knew that feeling all too well. "You might not be breakable, but I… In case you haven't noticed, I have a hard time controlling myself around you, even more now that I've already touched you. I want you too much. That's what makes this so fucking hard. I've never felt like… I won't be the one to cause you any pain, or do something that might-"
"Oh, yeah, because this is about protecting me, right? You're such a martyr for it."
"I'm trying to explain why I-"
"I don't need you to explain," I interjected. "I get it. I've been introduced to your explanation for nearly two weeks now. But just so you get it, I don't need your protection, I don't need you or anyone else telling me what I can or can't handle. You said you wouldn't treat me differently, but you are. I'm so tired of that. I think I know what my body can manage, so you can take your protection and shove it right up your ass!"
There was no longer any distance between us. His eyes smoldered as he looked down at me, his lips turning up on one side in a mocking smirk. "You have no idea the shit going on inside my head that I want to do to you, but I don't want to hurt you."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh, please."
"You don't get it, do you? You make me need you in a way that I've never needed anything." He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply, his nose flaring with the effort. "I fucking crave you. Touching you in any way is too tempting, and I won't be able to stop myself, not when I now know what it's like just to hold you. I don't want to be the cause of something-"
"You're being ridiculous, and it's only going to push me away. I'm not going to fall apart in your arms."
"The way I feel about you, Bella, I won't be gentle if I touch you."
I stood defiant against him, raising my voice. "Maybe I don't want you to be."
"Don't test me," he warned.
"Don't be a prude," I countered.
I knew I was pushing him, but damn it, I was seriously pissed off, and I was tired of being treated like a child, like I was some delicate china doll that would shatter into a million pieces so easily.
His face flushed red with anger. "Did you just call me a fucking prude?"
I could actually hear his control snapping, so I shrugged, adding, "Well, if the shoe fits." as the final blow.
Before I had time to finish exhaling, the button of my jeans was popped, and one of Edward's hands was down the front of them, pushing underneath the elastic of my boyshorts. When his fingers grazed my heated flesh, I moaned. "Would a prude do that shit?" His voice was gritty, the tone of his voice and touch of his hand igniting a need so deep within me, I felt like I might combust. He pushed a finger inside me. "Would a prude fuck you with their finger?"
I closed my eyes. My senses were on overdrive, every part of my body heating further, every nerve ending sparking with pleasure. His lips were on mine, mimicking the pace of his finger, which was quite frenzied. He never stopped until I was crying out into his mouth as I climaxed.
I could almost swear that he whispered, "How do you… You're all I want." as he pulled his lips from mine, but I wasn't positive I heard right, considering I was still seeing spots behind my eyes; I was lacking a bit of coherency.
He pressed his forehead against mine, his breaths coming out in quick bursts as he groaned out like he was in pain. "Are you… happy now, Bella?" I didn't answer him, other than whimpering when he removed his hand from inside my jeans. "Button your jeans, we're leaving."
My eyes snapped open. "What? Where are we going?"
I'd barely pushed the button through the fabric to clasp my jeans shut when he grabbed my hand and pulled me beside him. "You made your point, you had to be stubborn, you couldn't let shit go, and you pushed me too fucking far. Congratulations, you're about to get exactly what you want."

CF - Chapter Ten: Everything Changes

Chapter 10: Everything Changes

Edward

As I pulled onto the highway, making my way home, I was feeling pretty fucking anxious. But it wasn't like I could renege on the shit I'd said to Bella now. It was out there, it was known, and there was no way my mind, my heart or my dick could handle it. She was the only thing they all seemed to want, anyway.
My eyes dropped briefly from the road ahead, examining the way my fingers were white knuckled as they gripped the steering wheel. It wasn't exactly a surprise either. The tension in my body pretty much filled the air of the car. It wasn't corporeal, but you could sense that shit with as thick as it was. The tension, it still wouldn't change what was about to happen.
Truth was, no matter how fucked up all this was and would get, I wanted her in a way I'd never wanted anyone. Hell, the last time I actually wanted someone, other than to just stick my dick in, was before my mom died. Still, it was never like this clusterfuck of emotions Bella brought out of me.
In a matter of weeks, and that shit shouldn't be possible, she infiltrated the inside of me. Infiltrate was the right word too, because I hadn't wanted to feel these goddamn feelings I felt for her. But they plowed right over my ass, dropped their heavy weight on my chest and slapped me in the face, smirking down at me as they said, "Deal with it, fucker. It's not like you really got a say."
Now wasn't that the motherfucking truth.
I sighed, releasing the grip my left hand had on the steering wheel. I watched as the indentations in the material from my fingertips decompressed back to its original form. I ran my fingers through my hair – nervous habit – then reached for my cell to text Bella.
I'll be at the house in 5. Meet me outside.
How did you get my cell number?
She really didn't need to know I copped that shit from Alice's cell phone… unknowingly. Yeah, it was a bitch ass thing to do, but again, I'm an asshole. No shocker there. Besides, it wasn't like Bella would have given it to me anyway, and I really didn't have any other way to get it without Alice. I wanted it because… well, I just fucking wanted it.
I have my ways, Bella. Just meet me outside.
After I picked her up, I took her to this old barn I used to go to as a kid. It was private, obviously because the place was abandoned. It still looked like shit, even the open field around the place, but it was going to serve its purpose, so what did I care? I just wanted to be alone with her.
I immediately took her inside because it was cold, and I didn't want her getting sick, then led her to a stack of wooden crates that were at the back of the barn in a corner. After I sat down on a cracked bench, neither one of us said anything for awhile. I was pretty much locked in my own head, trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say to her. And Bella? She was waiting on me.
I figured I may as well start with the obvious. "I meant what I said earlier… about wanting you."
"Okay," she responded.
She was pretty nervous, and that shit did nothing to help deflect my own anxiety. I was fumbling with my hands, thinking how it shouldn't be this hard to actually speak some words, but then again, I didn't tell people how I felt. It wasn't something I felt obligated to fucking do. People were told only what I thought they needed to know, but with Bella, well, that just didn't work. I couldn't hide from her.
It wasn't for lack of trying obviously, but my fucking filter was shot to shit around her, so I continued to make with the honesty. It wasn't exactly the nicest thing I could have said, because I told her I worked better alone. I was a prick like that, apparently, even though I wasn't trying to be offensive. I was just laying it all out on the table. She held her own, though, and my dick applauded her for that even through my frustration.
The thing was, Bella and I did what we always did when things got real between us. We started arguing the shit out, which led to my tongue down her throat, and me shoving my dick against her while she dry humped me. Did I mention I hated motherfucking clothes?
Maybe that wasn't entirely counterproductive… to her, but that was our way. In retrospect, we got some shit accomplished because we still talked quite a bit and learned where we stood. She knew I wanted her, I knew she wanted me, we knew because of that we were both fucked, yet we couldn't walk away from it.
I also learned the girl was dangerous to more than just giving me a severe case of blue balls, which in itself was a goddamn tragedy, but she was lethal to my heart too. I knew as I held her in my arms, nothing but her warmth and smell wrapping aptly around me, the way it felt so damn right for me to be holding her like that, she was the only thing that could break the useless muscle in my chest that felt dead until she came along.
Yeah, she put a spark in me.
It was that same spark that nearly had me calling her angel eyes. I got to calling her that, but she wasn't supposed to know it. I slipped up, but caught myself. I wasn't good boyfriend material, I didn't do the pet names, but damn if I didn't look in those brown eyes of hers and feel like I was gifted some small piece of heaven whether I deserved that shit or not.
Like I said, it was that damn spark.
I took her back to my house. Conversation was nonexistent the whole way there. Even through dinner we didn't speak, but I couldn't keep my eyes off her. Needless to say, I excused myself from the dinner table with a hard-on comparable to a titanium rod, because, apparently, Bella sucking noodles from a fork was a motherfucking aphrodisiac. Who knew?
When she finally came upstairs from dinner, I met her in the hallway… or attacked her in the hallway, depending on how you looked at it. Either way, my arms were around her, and my mouth was working hers.
"Fuck, I wanted to do that the whole time you were eating," I said against her lips.
"Really?" she asked. "I thought you were ignoring me."
I wanted to laugh at her comment. "Uh, yeah, that's not fucking possible. Tried that, remember?"
"But in the car and at the table, you never-"
"I was just overwhelmed. That's all." She didn't realize how true that shit really was. It's what she brought out in me.
She asked me how I knew it was her coming up the stairs, so I told her. "I'd know that fucking scent of yours anywhere."
That answer led to more kissing, which led to me wanting to do a whole lot more than just kissing, but I digress. I couldn't exactly fuck her out in the hallway, though that was a pretty tempting idea, but I'm not sure she'd be okay with someone catching us because we weren't alone in the house.
To be honest, I wasn't okay with it either. What she had under those clothes, it was for my fucking eyes only. So I made sure before I left her that she knew I'd like her to meet me downstairs when everyone went to bed. She agreed.
I closed myself in my room, knowing the next few hours were going to be a bitch. What can I say? I was an impatient shit.
I figured, though, if I was going to do some suffering, I may as well not be alone in it. I lay down on my bed, grabbed my cell, then sent a text.
Don't fall asleep, Bella. You have somewhere to be when everyone falls asleep.
I smiled as soon as I heard her ringtone echo through the wall. I knew she got it, and I knew she was in for as long a night as I was.

-OO-OO-

I laid there in bed, trying to find something to distract myself from the fact that Bella was on the other side of the wall my headboard leaned against. The only thing stopping me from going into that room was that I now knew Alice was in there with her.
I had no idea what they were talking about, and normally I wouldn't give a shit about girl talk, but I wanted to know what kind of conversation they were having. Or maybe it was more of me wanting to know if Bella was thinking about me as much as I was thinking about her. Did she have any fucking idea what I planned to do to her tonight?
And now I was so goddamn hard I groaned in frustration.
I tried ticking off shit in my head that would help end the torture my dick was under, considering I still had at least an hour by the alarm clock before I could see Bella, but nothing worked. Pacing around my room was out of the question, obviously for comfort reasons. Lying in bed did nothing to help with the throbbing between my legs either. So… a cold shower it was.
Needless to say, the cold shower helped, but I had that water so fucking cold I feared my dick was going to turn into a cocksicle. The outcome was what mattered, though. I may have suffered a little hypothermia, but I wasn't sporting wood anymore.
I threw on a tank-shirt and pajama pants, going commando underneath, then skimmed through the cable lineup to watch a little T.V. When I was bored with that, I found some other mundane shit to do before I couldn't stand being enclosed in my room any longer.
I headed downstairs.
The lights were out throughout the house, which meant everyone was in bed, so as long as Alice was asleep, it wouldn't be long before Bella joined me… if she was still awake. I went straight to the living room and sat on the couch, grabbed the remote as I plopped my feet up on the coffee table, then turned on the television.
I must have flipped through every one of the channels twenty damn times when I felt the air in the living room charge with electricity. I didn't have to see her to know she was near me.
"I was beginning to think you fell asleep," I murmured.
She came around the back of the couch, but stood near the arm. "I had to wait for Alice to fall asleep."
I sat the remote down, dropped my feet from the table and looked up at her. "Are you going to sit down?"
She shifted her weight on her feet. "Yeah, I just…"
I lifted an eyebrow. "You just, what?"
"I thought… uh… we could talk or whatever."
I laughed. "You wanna talk, heh?"
She took a few steps closer to me, making visible the pajama shorts she was wearing were tighter around her ass than the ones from the previous night. I'm pretty sure I growled as I stared at her ass. If she heard me, she didn't acknowledge it. She was probably getting used to the fact that I was part caveman around her.
"Well, I mean, I know we talked some earlier, but I just… There are still things we need to talk about. Things I have to tell you, maybe things you have to tell me. I guess, like, what we are to each other and-"
"Do we really have to put a name to it?" I asked. "Isn't that, like, pressuring us to be whatever society fucking thinks we should be? Why can't it just be me and you, being whatever we want to be together without a label?"
I swear she looked like she was mentally flipping my ass off. "So, is that your way of basically saying you don't want anyone to know if you consider me your girlfriend or not? If you don't put a label to it, then you won't have to explain what I am to you?"
"That's not what the fuck this is about. Sometimes a mere word doesn't have enough emphasis to define what someone or something is."
"You really believe what you're saying? This isn't about hiding?"
"Why wouldn't I? I may be an asshole, Bella, but I do have some fucking depth to me. I do have shit I believe despite what you might think about me."
"That's not what I… I wasn't saying that."
"Yeah, I think I got the memo loud and clear about what you were saying."
"Isn't that some bullshit, Edward? Double standards much? You don't want me assuming anything about you, but there you go assuming about me. The pot calling the kettle black, right?" She continued telling me off, but to be honest, I wasn't really paying attention to the shit she was saying. I was too focused on the fact that her defiance spiked that carnal need in me.
I reached for her, pulling her into my lap, silencing her with my lips. I pushed my tongue into her mouth, groaning as the taste of her actually fucking overwhelmed me.
"Why?" I whispered against her lips as I broke the kiss to get some air. "Why do you always have to fucking fight me?"
I asked the question, but I didn't let her answer.
My mouth was claiming hers, hot and hungry, like I needed her fucking taste to live off of. My hands were working their way up the soft skin of her thighs, thighs I wanted to be parting so I could settle myself between them and bury myself inside her.
I wanted her so fucking bad. And the want for her, it only seemed to magnify. I felt like I was this goddamn ball of flame around her, searing with a need that consumed me in ways I had no words for. It fucked with my head because I couldn't understand all these feelings crashing down on me like steel weight, especially the warm sensation that suffused through my chest the second I laid eyes on her. It didn't matter, though, did it? Because all that shit, that's what led me here.
I repositioned her in my lap so she was straddling me, her knees digging into the cushions of the couch, without moving my mouth from hers. I'd rather cut off my motherfucking eyelids than pull my lips away and lose the taste of her mouth… unless it was between her legs I was tasting. Either one, it didn't matter.
She was pulling back, but I tried to hold her to me. She gasped, breathing out my name. "Edward…"
I pulled her back against me, her chest pressing into mine. I loved the feel of her body up against me. "Don't stop, Bella."
Her brown eyes stared back at me, hooded with a need that matched my own, but a defiance blazing underneath that made my dick so hard it ached for some relief. She liked to challenge me, and surprisingly, I fucking loved that she did.
She closed her eyes, breathing in deep before opening them again, her voice sounding sultry and sexed up. "It's not going to work. I… I know what you're trying to do."
I lifted my eyebrow, smirking up at her as I shifted my hips upward, loving the whimper I got in exchange. "Give me a few more seconds, and I'll show you what I'm trying to do."
I glided my tongue along the soft plumpness of her bottom lip. Even in the dim light the television offered, I could make out that it was slightly swollen and red from kissing. Still, that didn't detour me from the fact that I was going to be kissing those lips again. She knew that and shivered because of it… or maybe it was because of what I'd just done with my tongue.
"You know, there are other things… uh… you could be doing with that tongue instead of-"
"Now we're talking," I teased.
She blushed as she realized exactly what she'd said, but smiled at me anyway, shaking her head in amusement, and placed her small hand against my chest as she reared back, the heat from her palm radiating through my tank-shirt into my skin. It amazed the hell out of me how even that kind of contact from her was so fucking stimulating. "I'm being serious, Edward. You could be using it for talking rather than-"
I clasped my hand around her wrist and yanked upward as my other arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her against me, bringing us chest to chest again. The movement cut off her words, but that was exactly the fucking point. Of course the chest to chest would have been so much better if we were naked, but, you know, details and all that shit. It was gonna happen soon enough.
I leaned forward, dipping my tongue out to trail a path along her jaw line. Her breathing was a steady rhythm, much louder, and warm bursts of air scaled off the side of my face as she exhaled. I grinned at her reaction, all self-satisfied that I could make her feel as goddamn needy as she made me, but I wanted to take it up a fucking notch, so I paused at her ear, whispering, "You wouldn't be saying that shit if you knew all the ways I was good at using my tongue."
"Oh, my God," she whimpered. "I… You make me feel dizzy. How… how do you do that?"
I smiled at her. "Do what?"
"Don't act all innocent, Edward Cullen. You know exactly what you were doing." She narrowed her eyes at me, trying to act hard and shit, but she was failing miserably.
Her eyes locked on my mouth as my tongue slipped out, sliding along my bottom lip slowly. She was conveniently occupied, like I wanted her to be, so I gripped my hands around that pert ass of hers and drew her forward, grinding her against my dick again. "Oh, you mean that?"
"Yes," she groaned.
"You like when I do that shit, Bella?" I asked. "You like feeling my dick against that pussy?"
"Holy shit," she hissed in a low breath. I'd seen Bella aroused before, I'd made Bella aroused before, but to see Bella this aroused, like she was going to attempt to eat me alive, it was fucking amazing. "The things you say, I just… How… how can you make me-" She paused.
"Make you what?" I wanted her to tell me, and I was going to give her some incentive to do it, so I thrust against her, making sure to rub where I knew her clit was, giving her the friction she wanted. Not that the feeling wasn't enjoyable for me, either.
She whimpered. "You just… You make me want…"
"You want what, baby?" I worked her hips over my dick. "You want this?" I leaned forward to whisper in her ear, but kept grinding her against me. "I know you want this, and I want to give it to you, Bella. Let me give you what we both want."
"I'm… aching," she whispered. Her face flushed a bright shade of red, and I knew the words she'd just said, they spilled out without her intending them to.
"I know," I smirked at her. "But I'll make the ache go away. I'll make you feel so fucking good."
She shook her head, like she was clearing her mind of haze. "I'm not… uh… I'm not a slut, Edward."
I laughed, nearly choking as the sound came out. "Well, obviously not. You're a virgin, Bella. But where the hell did that shit come from?"
Her small fingers started fumbling with the fabric of my tank-shirt, her eyes watching the movement her fingers made. "I've… well, I've never had sex, and I just…" Her words trailed off. She was nervous.
I placed my hands over her fingers, stopping the path they were taking against my chest. "I know you haven't had sex before, but obviously you know there are other ways to come besides having sex." Her eyes widened. "You have come before, right?"
She shook her head. "No."
"Not even by touching yourself?"
She shrugged, biting her lip, her blush deepening. "Well, I've never…"
I blew out a deep breath, shocked. "Well, shit." She stared at me, confused. I sighed. "Stand up."
Her brows knitted together. "Why?"
"Just stand up," I told her.
She did as I asked, so I followed suit, turning off the T.V. before grabbing her hand in mine and pulling her toward the door leading to the garage. "Where are we going? Are you… are you taking me to the garage?"
I didn't bother to glance over my shoulder to answer her as I pushed through the door and headed toward the stairs that led up to the loft above the garage, pulling her behind me. "I'm taking you to the loft above the garage."
"Why?"
"Because you're about to make a lot of noise, Bella."
"But, Edward, I…"
I spun around quickly, yanking her toward me, pressing her tiny body against mine. "I told you earlier I wanted to make you come, that hasn't changed, but tonight I'm only gonna use my fingers. Tell me you don't wanna know what it's like to come by my fingers, and we'll stop this shit now. I won't go any further. I want you, Bella, and I know you can feel how much, but I won't force you. I just want to touch you."
"Why?"
I gaped at her. "Why do I want to touch you?"
"No." She shook her head. "Why do you want me?"
"Where to fucking start with that question."
"Start anywhere."
"We're doing this… right now?" She nodded. I sighed again. "Bella, there's a lot of reasons, and I…"
"Tell me," she pleaded.
I lifted my hand, grazing my knuckles over her cheek. "You're beautiful. That's one reason." Her eyes dropped from mine. "You don't take my shit. Turns out, my dick happens to like that about you."
She chuckled. "You certainly know how to choose your words, Edward."
"Isn't that the fucking truth."
"It's sexual, though, right? I mean, that's why-"
"No." I shook my head, actually getting pissed that she thought I only wanted to fuck her, and that was it. "It's no secret I want to fuck you, Bella. I've told you that shit." I glanced down at the obvious hard-on I was sporting. "You're the only one that does this to me."
Her head cocked to the side. "You seem to forget how the hell we met. You know, with you and Tanya in the utility closet at work," she scoffed
I ran my fingers through my hair. "Yeah, Bella, I remember that shit, but can we not talk about it for the sake of my dick?"
She lowered her eyes. "I'm just saying, I didn't see you having a problem with your peen then, Edward."
"Yeah, I'm not a virgin. I've had sex before, so obviously my shit works. I'm trying to say that I want you, Bella. That's it. Just you." I gripped her chin, forcing her to look at me. "But I told you already, I don't just want to fuck you, Bella. I will get inside of you eventually, you better believe that shit," I smirked. "But I'm not going anywhere after I do. I want… I want more than that from you."
"Yeah, but you may not once you-"
I gripped her chin tighter. I needed her to understand that as hard as it was for me to fucking admit what I was saying to her, I still meant it. "There's no going back now. I want you. However you are, I want it."
She swallowed thickly. "Edward, I need to tell-"
Apparently telling her wasn't the way to go about it. I was obviously gonna have to show her. I silenced her words with my mouth. "I'm done talking, Bella. I'm going to make you come now."
I led her into the loft. It was pretty decent sized. Definitely decent sized enough for what I was about to do.
There was a small kitchen with a few appliances sitting along the marbled counters, a couch and loveseat made out of some hideous looking navy blue floral pattern – Esme refused to get rid of the shit because they once belonged to her deceased mother - a coffee table in front of the couch and a thirty-two inch television that sat on top of a wooden stand. There was a bedroom off to the right of a hallway that was probably four steps in length, six or seven in width, and a bathroom across from it that was equipped with a shower stall that had glass doors instead of a bathtub.
The bedroom was set up with a bed that had two nightstands on either side of it, a dresser, and of course a television that sat on top of the dresser.
Esme had it decorated up for guests that visited and wanted privacy. Not many people came to visit, so it didn't get much use.
That shit was, however, about to change.
I walked Bella over to the bed, feeling her hand trembling in mine. As soon as we were standing beside the bed, I faced her and pulled her in my arms. I brushed my lips across hers. "You nervous?"
"I've just never done this before. I mean, I don't know what I'm…"
I kissed her. "I told you, I'm not going to force you. If you aren't comfortable with this, we'll go back to the house. I wanna touch you, and I wanna make you feel good, but I'm not going to do that shit if it's not what you really want."I meant that shit too. I would have taken her back to the house and just sat with her.
I leaned forward, brushing my nose along her cheek. "You tell me. Do you want me to touch you, baby?"
She sucked in a deep breath, then exhaled. "I… umm… Yes."
I smiled as I dragged my lips along her jaw, stopping at her ear. "You want me to make you come?"
"Yes," she breathed.
"Come get on the bed with me," I told her.
I climbed on the bed first, and after I was seated on the mattress, I held out my hand to her, helping her beside me. I knew she was nervous, but only because she'd never been touched before. I could see she wanted what I was about to do.
She lay down on her back, so I lay down beside her, pulling her body against mine so we were both resting on our sides. I pressed my lips to hers, starting things off slowly to relax her.
It wasn't until the tension started leaving her body that my tongue entered her mouth. She moaned the second mine brushed against hers. One of her hands came up, fisting her fingers through my hair and pulling me closer. I liked that she was getting into the shit.
I ran my hand gently down her other arm, moving slowly toward her hip. I could have stopped at her hip and went straight for the gold, but I wasn't going to do that shit to her. I wanted to prime her more, get her ready for my touch because I wanted her to enjoy it. Instead, I moved to the small of her back, drawing lazy circles with my fingertips, going no further. I was working her up with my mouth and the feel of my body against hers.
When her mouth started trying to dominate mine, I knew she was ready for me to move things along. I slid my hand down from her back to her ass and gently squeezed the flesh. She moaned into my mouth, so I did it again.
My fingers skimmed along her ass to the underside of her thigh. I hitched her leg up over my waist, leaving her knee lying against my hip bone, then ground my dick into her. "You feel that?" I uttered against her lips.
"Yes," she whimpered.
"You like the way that feels?" I ground my dick into her again, but rotated my hips as I did so, pressing the tip of my cock where I knew her clit was.
I hit the right spot because she moaned loudly. "God, yes."
"Imagine that feeling, but a hundred times better. That's what it's going to feel like once I get inside you. My mouth, my fingers, my cock, they're all gonna make you feel good, Bella."
She groaned loudly as I maneuvered my hand from around her thigh and snaked it between us, trailing my fingers down until they were right between her legs with my hand cupping her pussy, the heel of my palm rotating in a circle against her clit. She was so fucking hot in my hand, even through her shorts. "Please..."
"I know, baby. It feels good, doesn't it? It's going to feel better in just a second."
She closed her eyes. "I… Please, Edward."
"I'm going to touch you now, okay?" I pressed my lips to hers as I moved my hand from between her legs. She whimpered in protest. "I'm not done. I'm still going to make you feel good." I laid her flat on her back, but remained on my side, being held up by my elbow. I brought my hand up to her stomach, pushing the sweatshirt she wore upward. Her eyes shot open, her body immediately stiffened, and her hands came down to stop mine from moving any further. "It's okay, Bella. I'm only going to touch you just like I was doing a second ago, but underneath your shorts, alright?"
She took in a deep breath, her hands loosening their grip over mine. "Okay. Just there, though."
"It'll be just like I told you. I won't do anything that'll hurt you," I promised. "I'll make it good for you." She slowly nodded her head. "Close your eyes, baby, and just feel."
My fingers glided down the smoothness of her stomach, her body practically thrumming under my touch, coming up first underneath the waistband of her shorts, then her underwear. I pushed through the material, and as soon as the tips of my fingers grazed her clit, she gasped. She wasn't hairless, but she definitely trimmed. I brought my mouth to hers, kissing her as I moved my fingers further down.
"Fuck," I groaned as my fingers slid against her wet lips. "You're so wet… and you feel so good against my fingers. Do you know that, Bella? You have no idea how badly I want to be inside that pussy right now."
"Edward," she moaned.
"Shhh," I told her. "Let me take care of you."
And I did.
I circled her opening with my middle finger, barely nudging inside with the tip. Her breathing kicked up a notch.
I continued circling her opening, teasing her, then dipping inside a fraction, putting more of my finger inside her each time. She was so damn tight, and it took every ounce of control I had not to rip my pajama pants down, yank her clothing off, mount her and shove my way inside her so I could feel that tightness around my dick instead of my finger.
I wasn't going to do that, though. Not yet.
I progressed what I was doing with my finger, moving in and out of her slowly, grazing her clit with every other pass, listening to her mewls as I increased the speed. I was building her up, getting her used to what it felt like to have something inside her… because soon enough, it was going to be my dick instead of my finger. I kept it at one finger, though, because I didn't want to hurt her.
I kissed her neck, tasted her lips, nipped at her jaw, ran my tongue along any exposed skin I could reach and whispered dirty shit in her ear, all while I worked that pussy from the inside out. I may have rubbed my dick against her thigh, too, for my own relief, but it wasn't really a conscious move. I couldn't really be responsible for that shit when I was as hard as I was. Not to mention, I had some part of me inside her, so rubbing my dick on her was probably expected.
I knew she was getting close by the way her breathing changed and her body tensed up, but I wasn't doing quite enough to throw her over the edge.
"You look so good lying there with my hand between those legs," I whispered in her ear. "I can tell that you're close. Did you know that shit?" She moaned. "I can. I can feel the way your muscles are tightening around my finger. I bet your nipples have hardened too. I can hear it in the way you're breathing, the way your body is tensing up for it. You're ready for me to make you come, aren't you?"
She didn't respond, other than the moans, but I wanted to hear her say it.
"Tell me. Tell me you want me to make you come, and I'll make it happen."
"Please, Edward," she cried out. Her eyes were closed in tight slits, her body practically shaking against mine with the need for release.
"Please, what? Tell me."
"I want… to…"
"You want to, what?"
"I… Oh God, I want to come."
I nipped at her jaw. "Mmm… That's what I wanted to hear."
I pressed my thumb directly against her clit and began rubbing tight circles along her sensitive flesh. It wasn't long before her back arched, her head pushed back into the pillow, her legs started shaking, and a guttural groan echoed throughout the bedroom.
I didn't stop rubbing her or remove my hand from between her legs until her back was flat against the bed, and her eyes opened to stare over at me. Her hair was a mess, she looked thoroughly worked over, but she was fucking beautiful.
"That was…I don't even…"
I smiled down at her. "Did you like that shit?"
She blushed. "I have no words for that."
"Yeah, orgasms are pretty fucking amazing," I laughed. "And watching you have your first one, especially because I gave it to you, yeah, that shit almost made me come right in my pants." That was no lie.
She glanced around the room, then lowered her eyes to the bed, taking in the blankets that were now messed up. "We destroyed the bed."
I chuckled. "The blankets can be fixed later. Are you okay?"
That was the first time in I couldn't say how long where I asked someone that question, and the answer actually mattered.
"I'm fine, just tired."
"You want to go back to the house?"
She shook her head. "Not yet. Can we maybe lie here for awhile?"
"We can lie here as long as you fucking want."
Truth was, I just wanted to lie there for awhile and hold her, which is exactly what I did. It didn't matter that I was still hard as fuck. I'd take care of that shit later. I also didn't let myself really think about why she would have had a problem with my hand going under her shirt. There was time for that later, too.
Eventually, we'd get up and go inside the house. I'd go in my room, and she'd go into Alice's. But what came later, it had no place in this room with us right now. And the later, it had no goddamn bearing on the fact that right now, I actually felt alive… and felt very protective of Bella.

-OO-OO-

When I stepped out of my bedroom Sunday morning after getting ready for work, Bella was heading out of Alice's room, her bag of clothes and shit she'd brought with her strapped over her shoulder.
"You going home?" I asked.
She nodded. "Yeah. My dad is doing better now. Besides, Alice has plans with Jasper, and you'll be at work, so it's kind of pointless for me to hang out here."
I stepped toward her. "Are you, you know, coming by the store later?"
She smiled at me. "I'd like to, but I have a lot of homework to get caught up on. I was very distracted this weekend."
I wrapped my arms around her waist, bringing her body flush against mine. "Last I checked, you weren't complaining about that shit."
She blushed. "You're right, I wasn't."
Before I realized what she was doing, her arms were around my neck, yanking me toward her as she pressed her lips to mine. This was the first time Bella took the initiative to kiss me first. Admittedly, that shit was hot… and I was now hard.
I pulled my mouth from hers, clearing my throat before things went any further, like fucking her in the hallway. I was well on the verge of that idea becoming a reality. "I've got to go to work, but if you change your mind, you know where I'll be."
There was a glint in her eye, like she was plotting shit. "I know."
She cleared the couple inches distance between us, and I'll be damned if that pink tongue of hers didn't peek out of her mouth and somehow make its way across my bottom lip.
The only thing that stopped me from actually grabbing Bella, pressing her against the wall and fucking her like I initially considered, was the fact that Esme was making her way up the stairs at the precise moment Bella pulled away from me, smirking.
As she passed Esme on the stairs, she acted as if nothing happened. Me? Well, it wasn't that simple for me. I was standing there with a massive fucking erection and the need to scream at Esme for being an unknowing cockblocker.
Bella was so going to pay for that shit, even if it took me all through work to figure out how I was going to make it happen. I made sure she knew, in the form of a text, that paybacks were a bitch.

-OO-OO-

Monday morning came too soon.
After punching my fucking alarm clock, because I hated the bastard, I scratched both sets of fingers through my messy hair, then dragged them roughly down my face, as if doing so would bleed out my frustration.
My body felt pretty rough, probably because it was the first night in a long damn time that I'd fallen asleep without the help of some Patron. The nightmares starring my mom made another guest appearance, like they always did, but the difference this time was that I managed to wake up before I did any adventure walking in my sleep.
It took awhile to go back to sleep. I wasn't even trying, either. As a matter of fact, I was highly against it because I wasn't game for more of the mental pictures that initially woke me up, but my body decided it needed the shit to function, so guess what? I fucking fell asleep.
As stubborn as I knew I was, I probably would have thrown down an insomnia card in my subconscious, you know, like they did that 'get out of jail free' card shit in Monopoly. However, the second things went erotic, like the fact that I had Bella sprawled out on my bed, screaming my name because I was pounding the shit out of that pussy… Well, sleep became my best-fucking-friend.
So, needless to say, when that piece of shit alarm went off and interrupted the sight of dream Bella's come face, I was ready to dick punch someone. And all I got out of it was an aching dick that had no prospect of getting relief from anything other than my own goddamn hand. How did I feel about that? Well, I was so fucking ecstatic I was shitting rainbows.
I still whacked off in the shower, something I was doing so often that had there been any truth to whacking off so much you'd end up blind, my eyeballs would have liquefied from their sockets already.
By the time I was finished in the shower, most of the time spent with my hand around my dick, I had to rush to get ready and make it to school on time. It wasn't that I was anxious about getting to that hell hole for the sake of learning. I was actually hoping I'd see Bella before school started.
As I pulled into the school parking lot, I thought about what happened between us Saturday night. Touching her, making her come, being the first to give her that, it changed something inside of me. It was so much more than watching her experience something sexual for the first time. It was like she was letting me have all these pieces of her, like she saved them just for me. She was awakening, but so was I.
I actually felt like I had touched her soul. I realized then, all this carnality I'd been experiencing, it wasn't just about putting my dick in her, though I really wanted to do that. It was more about everything she made me feel, it hitting me so goddamn hard, and the only way I knew to even deal with it was just to fuck the hell out of her because I was closed off every other way.
She was changing that, though. Isabella Swan was changing every fucking thing.
I searched the lot as I got out of my car. Her truck was parked, but she wasn't inside it. I glanced down at my watch. There was ten minutes before class started, so there was still a chance she was at her locker.
I entered the glass doors, heading straight toward her locker, which incidentally took me past the hallway leading to my locker, but I didn't give a shit. I hadn't seen her since she went home on Sunday, so I was determined to see her.
She was standing there… with Alice. I would have waited until she was alone and shit, but the look on her face, even from the side, showed something was upsetting her. The same urge I felt last night to protect her kicked right the fuck in, pushing my legs to move toward her.
When I was in earshot, the conversation between them stunned me, because they were obviously talking about me.
"You need to tell him then."
"I know." Bella's voice strained. "I tried to tell him, but things ended up happening. And then he…" As Bella paused, Alice saw me, and her mouth dropped open. "I couldn't let him find out that way, not with his fingers. Edward… He just can't find out that way."
This is where I knew for sure I was the main topic of conversation, and this is also where things got interesting. Not only did I learn she was discussing the shit we'd done Saturday night with Alice, but I also learned she was hiding something from me. "What can't I find out?"
Bella spun around, clutching the collar of her turtleneck. The second her eyes locked on my face, tears formed in them. I had no idea what she was hiding from me, but I had a feeling it was some heavy shit, and I also knew I wasn't leaving her fucking locker until I found out what it was.

CF - Chapter Nine: All I Wanted

Chapter 9: All I Wanted

"Tear You Apart"
It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow
I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

Bella

"Feels so fucking good, doesn't it? I can make it feel better than that. You want me to make it feel better, Bella?"
Oh God, what was he doing to me? No one had ever touched me the way he was.
His voice was like liquid desire as it whispered across my heated skin, promising my body the most delicious pleasure it could ever know. Every word rippled across my flesh, attacking every nerve ending, making my body scream for more.
It was a struggle to open my eyes and look at him, because the sensations he caused me to feel were unlike anything I'd ever known before. The pleasure was swirling around me, wrapping me in all that was Edward. I was literally being consumed by him.
His eyes… Oh God, his eyes. I was nearly leveled by the desire I saw within them. An ache of need formed between my legs, eclipsing better judgment on my part, making me want Edward in a way I'd never wanted anyone.
There was a muffled voice in the back of my mind, and I tried to pause what was happening enough to understand what the voice was trying to tell me, but when he thrust against me and I felt his erection between my legs, the voice completely died out. There were no voices, nothing moving through me or around me but Edward.
I barely recognized my own voice when I told him yes. He groaned loudly, making the ache between my legs surge to a new level. I knew he was the only one who could make the ache go away. And then I felt his grip tighten around my body as he moved us.
He stopped us abruptly, then I heard the sound of a door handle turning. He was taking us to his bedroom. We'd barely stepped over the threshold into his room when we heard Alice's voice calling out to me.
Part of me wanted to tell her to go back into her room, but the other part of me, the part that found its way back inside my head, reminded me that if he knew what was under my sweatshirt, he wouldn't want me – he'd be disgusted by my scar.
I left him standing in his doorway, but the pull to him, like we were connected by a tightly coiled rubberband, yanked at my soul the further I stepped away from him.
"Water," I murmured, holding up the bottle as I passed Alice into her room. "I woke up thirsty."
"Oh," was all she said.
Nothing more was said on her end or mine. I was not complaining either.
I lay in bed after leaving Edward at his doorway and attempted to figure out what the hell had just happened. I almost… I couldn't believe I was actually going to go into his room with him. I actually wanted to.
The way he touched me, the things he made me feel, it made me forget all the reasons why I shouldn't be with him.
Thoughts about him, they were heavy on my mind… and continuous.
It wasn't until my eyes snapped open, catching the dim light filtering through Alice's window and the echo of my ringtone on my cell, that I'd realized I had even fallen asleep.
I reached for my cell that lay on top of Alice's nightstand and flipped it open, my voice coming out hoarse as I spoke. "Hello?"
"Bella, it's Mom." The frantic note in her voice had me alert quick and sitting up abruptly in bed.
"Mom, what's wrong? Is it Dad?"
"No, sweetie, your Dad is fine. I'm short staffed at the store today, so I was wondering if you'd mind covering a shift for me? You'll have next Saturday off instead."
I wiped the sleep from my eyes. "Uh… yeah, I guess. Give me a little while, and I'll be there."
"Thanks, sweetie."
I closed my cell and placed it back on the nightstand, sighing loudly as I stretched the less than acceptable amount of sleep from my muscles. I had a feeling it was going to be a long day.

-OO-OO-OO-

I pulled into a parking space at the back of the store. Renee had recently designated the employee parking back there, and any employees on the clock seen parking anywhere else but the designated area would hear an earful.
I opened the truck door, grabbed my purse and lunch, then started inside.
I stopped in the office and talked with Renee for a few minutes, asking her about Charlie before I headed back to the time clock. She assured me he was feeling better and should be returned to his dashing self in another day or two. She asked me about myself. I made it clear I was fine, no catastrophes on the agenda, then reminded her I needed to punch in soon. It was a plausible excuse so I could get away.
I slowly made my way to the backroom. I'd much rather be curled up in bed, sleeping right now. I stood at the time clock, openly gaping at the time cards… well, one in particular.
I was wrapped up in my memory of the night before, apparently too wrapped up to hear the footsteps behind me.
"I want you." The words were spoken in Edward's voice.
I went rigid, other than my eyes that searched around, looking for other people. There weren't any. I couldn't have heard him right. There's no way Edward just said he wanted me.
"W-what?"
My body turned around, moving of its own volition. "I can't do it anymore, Bella. I can't stay away from you. I've fucking tried, and I can't do it. I just… I want you."
"I don't understand," I whispered.
"What's there to understand?" He spoke flatly, eyes averted away from me toward the boxes of inventory lining the far wall in the backroom of my parent's store. But his normally confident self was faltering, visible by the slight tremor his hands made at his sides.
"You just said… you wanted me." I bit my lip, feeling the heat begin at my face, whispering its way down to my chest. I hated being this transparent.
"Yeah." He still remained indifferent, still keeping his eyes off me.
"I mean…" I paused, hesitant to continue, but the curiosity won out. "I didn't expect for you to feel… that way. Are you afraid or embarrassed to… uh… want me?" I rationalized that this could be a trick, that he could be baiting me for some kind of self-enjoyment in torturing me. And though I accepted that was a possibility, something in my gut told me that wasn't the case.
His head snapped in my direction, eyes flaming with what appeared to be anger, darkening the bright green of his eyes to an almost black tinged with a red fire of lust. Finally, there was some kind of emotion. The right side of his lips turned up as he smirked, but his eyes still burned with rage and desire. "It's not that I'm afraid or embarrassed of wanting you, Bella. It's not fear or embarrassment of wanting. You wanna know what it is? It's about wanting you too much, especially when I shouldn't want you. I've tried not to. God knows I've fucking tried not to feel anything for you."
I stepped backward as he stalked toward me, coming to a halt as my body collided with a wall. I was thrilled and terrified by his reaction. He placed his hands on either side of me, blocking me from moving, and my body instantly ignited from the proximity of his nearness. I could feel his warm breath on my mouth, taste him as my tongue dipped out to drag a path across my bottom lip. Being this close to me, this was not something Edward liked to do. "I fucking want you," he admitted through gritted teeth. "And I fucking hate that I do. So stop. Stop whatever it is you're doing."
I stared back at him with wide eyes. "I'm not doing-"
"Yes, you are," he countered. "All you have to fucking do is breathe, Bella, and you make me want you." He shook his head, his expression pained as he closed his eyes, leaning in closer so I could feel his breath on my skin. Goosebumps formed over my flesh. "I don't want this shit, but I can't stop it. I can't stop what you're doing to me."
"Edward, we shouldn't-"
My words caught in the back of my throat the moment his nose skimmed along my neck, and I heard him inhale before pressing his lips against the skin below my ear.
"Stop doing this to me, Bella." His lips brushed against my ear as he spoke in a crushed whisper. "Stop before I do something that wouldn't be good for either of us."
I swallowed thickly. "I don't know what you're-"
"Do it before it's too late. Stop before I make you mine."
"I'm not… You don't really want me, Edward."
He laughed against my neck, a laugh that sent chills up my spine. "If only that were fucking true."
He pressed a kiss against my temple, then groaned outright as his lips whispered along my jaw line, stopping at the corner of my lips.
"Don't let me do this to you… or to me, Bella." His lips moved against my skin, drawing out the flame his touch stirred within my body. I could feel the need for him, the need for everything that was Edward, thrumming under my heated flesh and bursting out in the form of goosebumps. "Right now, the way I'm feeling, the way you make me feel, I don't just want your body – I want your heart and soul. Stop me before I make it all mine."
I should be frightened, shouldn't I? I should be afraid. Shouldn't there be warning bells ringing all around me, telling me to get as far away from him as possible? He was dangerous to my heart and soul. He could shred my soul and break open this heart that wasn't really mine, making it as useless as the one that had been taken from me, the one I'd been born with.
Yes, Edward Cullen could do that to me. I could feel it in the way he spoke to me and the way my body responded to him. I could feel it in the way my heart beat rapidly in my chest in a way only he had ever made it do and the way my soul reached out to his. With as much as this want and need for him loomed over me, heavy and unrelenting like a steel cage, I knew without a doubt in my bones he could end me.
As afraid as I should be, I wasn't afraid enough to walk away, so I guess it really was too late.
"Walk away, Bella," he breathed. His hands were now sliding down my arms, pulling me closer. I went willingly. "Please walk away."
His plea was falling on deaf ears. As much as I felt like I needed preservation of self against this beautiful, broken creature in front of me, because I knew the chances of him hurting me were inevitable, my heart disregarded that fact and kept holding on, anyway.
My heart? That was laughable. This stupid muscle pumping within my chest wasn't mine. The heart inside me was just an it, a thing I was cursed with because I was an anomaly. It would forever remind me I was born defective. It had molded itself inside, embedding itself so it seemed as if it belonged, but it was still foreign matter because it was never really mine.
I hated the 'thing' for making me pity myself - I hated pity. I hated the 'thing' for making me care for someone I never wanted to care for, who I'd never be able to keep. I hated the 'thing' because I knew I'd love him, but I would never know what it was like to love him with my real heart. And, dear God, I hated the 'thing' because it took someone else's heart to do for me what my own couldn't – it gave me life.
A callous voice inside my mind told me I was wrong to let myself have him, that we could never work for all the things that were against us. It screamed out how he needed to know the truth about me, that I needed to tell him so he could walk away now to save us both from something worse because I was too weak to do it. I had misread the warning my brain gave. It wasn't for me at all. It was for him.
Leave him, the voice urged. You're going to make it worse.
He wanted me. He actually wanted me. And the idea of not having the time I could with him, even though I shouldn't want to be with him for so many reasons, it sent a massive ache rippling across my insides. As wrong as I knew it was, I wanted to be his. I guess I could add selfish and masochist to the list of things wrong with me.
We were a pair; two broken halves coming together with all of our broken, messy shit. It was a colossal disaster in the making.
I should walk away, I really should, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't be responsible in the way I should be with him this close to me, touching me, telling me I was what he wanted. The pull to him was too strong. He'd have to be the one to walk away. It would have to be him.
And once he knew about my transplant, I knew he'd eventually find out, along with the hideous mark across my chest, he'd do what I couldn't - he'd leave, and he'd do it free and clear. I wouldn't stop him from going no matter how much I hurt. I was gonna lose, this I knew well, but maybe beforehand I could give him something he'd lost… hope.
That outcome? That was the reality I was heading toward. I had a one-way, non-refundable ticket.
Dear God, I should walk away.
And still, I fell into him and the painful darkness that awaited me. I fell into him like an addict that found her next hit. I was perilous to do anything but give in.
I was gonna love him despite that voice, despite knowing we'd end… and I'd be responsible for it. Those seeds were already sown. The thing inside my chest made sure of that.
"I can't," I finally whispered. I swallowed hard in my throat, the sound bouncing off my eardrums. I felt his body stiffen against mine. I took a deep breath, exhaling my resolve. "I can't walk away."
A groan that echoed defeat tore its way out of his mouth and ripped through the air. "This is gonna end badly, Bella. Fuck, this is gonna end so badly."
I know, I thought.
"Goddamn, you'll be the fucking death of me." He was voicing thoughts I wasn't meant to know.
I'll be the death of us both.
And then he kissed me with a hunger that stole away the air in my lungs.

-OO-OO-OO-

We didn't speak again until it was time for me to leave work, which ended up being five hours later. He stopped me at the time clock. "Bella, we… uh…" He paused while running nervous fingers through his thick, messy hair. "You and me, we got shit to talk about when I get off work."
I nodded. "I'll be at your house the rest of the weekend."
His forehead creased as confusion set in. "Why is that?"
I glanced down at the cement floor. I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't tell him the truth either. I wasn't ready to lose him yet, if I actually had him at all. "My dad, he's sick with a cold, so my mom asked if I could stay with Alice for the weekend."
"Yeah, but if it's just-"
I swallowed against the bitter taste of dread that harbored my name. "I'll see you at your place, Edward."
I left him standing there.
I didn't go right inside the Cullen house when I pulled in the driveway. I needed time to think while my head was clear enough from the Edward induced haze I found myself in quite often these days. I couldn't do that with others around, or the scent of Edward circulating through the rooms and attacking my senses, affecting my already tedious fight to stop us before we really began.
He's not going to want you when he sees you aren't perfect.
Those words played over and over in my head, ricocheting off my throbbing temples.
A knock on the window interrupted my thoughts. It was Alice, smiling.
"You coming inside?" she asked. Her voice was a little muffled by the closed window. "You've been sitting here awhile. You okay?"
I opened the door after grabbing my things and slid out. "Yeah, I'm fine."
The door closing sounded louder than usual. "You don't look like you're fine."
"Really, I'm fine." I moved past her, heading toward the door.
"Does this have anything to do with what happened between you and Edward last night?" I immediately stopped, turning around to face her, my face crimson from the blush burning its way across my skin.
"Yeah." She smiled at me. The wind whipped her short black hair with its heavy breeze. "I know you weren't just getting water last night."
"I… uh… well, I…" The possibility of forming a complete sentence was lost on me.
Her smile grew, as well as the gleam in her eyes. "You like him, don't you?"
I sighed. No point it denying the obvious. "I don't want to like him." It was the truth… because I didn't.
"Well, what we want and what we get aren't always the same."
"Don't I know it," I agreed.
"You know," she began. "I kinda suspected something was up with you two."
"Really?" I asked incredulously. "I didn't realize anything but detest was noticeable between us. Hell, I don't even know when things started changing, honestly. I guess it was at work. I just… I pretty much loathed him, and then not so much."
She laughed. "Don't get me wrong, it was obvious you two had some measure of detest for each other, but I caught little things between you that maybe others didn't."
I was curious now. "Like what?"
"The stares," she answered. "You both stole glances at one another when you thought no one else was looking. And Edward? In all the time he's lived with us, he didn't talk about anyone. Not even Emmett and Jasper. Don't even get me started on the tantrum he threw in the lunchroom when Tyler asked you on a date. You got under his skin, Bella. You did it when no one else could."
Alice, as I just now discovered, was quite the observer.
"Yeah, but I'm afraid of what it'll cost me," I whispered.
She walked up beside me, grabbing one of the hands that hung loosely at my sides, and pulled me toward the door. "Come on. We'll get out of this cold and go up to my room to talk."
As appealing as getting out of the cold air was to me, giving her information on what happened between her brother and me the previous night wasn't.
"Alice, I… uh… I know you know about last night and all, but I really don't feel comfortable talking about what Edward and I did," I rattled on as we walked through the door. "It's just that, it's-"
She turned around, a disgusted look upon her face. "Ugh, Bella. Look, I didn't want details or anything. He is my brother, so that's, like, really gross. I just meant that if you wanted someone to vent to, you know, about why you were sitting in your truck for so long, I'd be that person. But details about where my brother's hands and parts had been, or your hands and parts had been, I don't wanna know." She shivered. "Seriously, there isn't enough therapy in the world that would heal the scar that kind of conversation would give me."
Before I could respond, Esme strolled into the kitchen, a warm smile upon her face and a purse hanging off her shoulder. "Hey, girls. I'm off to the market. I've got a few things to get for dinner, but I'll be home after. You need anything?"
We both shook our heads.
"Alright," she said. "I'll see you in awhile."
We made our way up to Alice's room. I was actually sort of looking forward to talking with Alice, seeing as it would remain a non-makeout related conversation. She was Edward's sister and knew him better than I, plus she was the only one besides my parents who knew about my transplant, so maybe I could get some insight from her.
She sat down on her bed, crossing her legs over the thick, flowery comforter draped over her mattress. "So, why were you sitting out in your truck, looking all emo?"
"I think you know why," I answered pointedly.
"Yeah, I think I do." She briefly stared at me, then shifted her gaze between me and her guest bed. "Take a seat, Bella. You're making me nervous."
I sat down on the bed across from hers, mimicking the way she was seated. "Is that better?"
"Yes," she smiled, nodding. "So, are you going to answer the question? Why were you being all emo?"
"I was not being emo," I rebuked. She placed her hand on her hip, tilting her head to the side. "Okay, maybe I was being a little emo. I've just got a lot on my mind."
"And would that a lot start with Ed and end with ward?"
"Remind me to mark you off my Christmas list," I teased. She stuck her tongue out at me. "Okay, yeah. Obviously things are… happening… and I'm not sure what to do about it."
"And you're scared of those things." She wasn't asking, she was stating a fact.
I nodded. "I am. If I let this happen, and he finds out about… If he knows what's under here…" I palmed my chest. "I know what's going to happen."
"You think he'll lose interest once he knows about your heart transplant, don't you?" I nodded again. "If he did that, he'd be a complete asshole."
"He's already a complete asshole." I covered my mouth, eyes widening when I realized what I'd said. "I'm sorry," I mumbled against my hand.
She laughed. "Hey, don't apologize for speaking the truth. Edward, he's been through a lot. He's not like he used to be, but that doesn't mean that he'd stop wanting you just because you have a different heart and a scar because of that."
"But I'm not beautiful."
"There's more to beauty than just what you see on the outside. And if you think you aren't beautiful, Bella, then you don't see yourself clearly."
"I'm not a whole person."
"Because you won't let yourself be. Maybe, just maybe, you and Edward can make each other whole. Maybe that's what all this is about."
"I don't know about that," I told her. "I don't even know what happened to him."
"He doesn't know what happened to you either."
Ouch, I thought, lowering my eyes to the floor. Touche.
"I wasn't completely honest with you, Bella." My eyes met hers. "You know Edward's mom died, right?"
"Yeah."
"I shouldn't be saying this to you, because it's his place to, but his mom… she was killed."
The heart in my chest clenched painfully. "I didn't-"
"In Arizona, Bella. His mom died in Arizona." My world felt like it spun off its axis. "They'd only been there a couple days when it happened. I'll leave it to Edward to tell you what happened." There was no denying the hope in her voice. "But I told you what I did because maybe you'll do the same for him."

-OO-OO-OO-

I was lying on Alice's bed, nervous and anticipating the talk with Edward. She was now gone, on my insistence to keep her plans, to dinner with Jasper, but she promised she'd be home after.
I wasn't yet sure what I was going to do. Talking with Alice helped some, but I was still torn between what I knew I wanted and what I knew I should do. Maybe I wouldn't be so antsy if she were still here. I laughed, because I knew that wasn't true. I'd still be antsy, but at least I wouldn't be alone.
I groaned out my frustration, then ran my hands down my face, roughly. Sitting here thinking was doing nothing more than making me frustrated. What was the point, anyway? I'd know what to do once I talked to Edward… Wouldn't I?
I repositioned myself on the mattress and reached for the T.V. remote. I needed a distraction. I'd just gripped the controller when my phone chimed in warning of a text. I sighed, then grabbed my phone and flipped it open. It was from Edward.
I'll be at the house in 5. Meet me outside.
I replied back.
How did you get my cell number?
I have my ways, Bella. Just meet me outside.
I left a note for Alice on the nightstand, grabbed my coat and purse, then headed outside. I was standing outside a minute or two, the cool air licking across my exposed flesh, when he pulled up. He motioned me over, so I walked up to the passenger side and climbed in. The temperature inside was a huge contrast from the outdoors. The change made me shiver in my seat.
"I thought we'd go somewhere private to talk." He didn't look at me when he spoke.
"Alright."
He pulled out of the driveway, our conversation as empty as his expression. I was admittedly nervous because of it.
He turned down a side road that veered off to a dirt one. When he finally stopped the car, we were parked in front of what looked like an abandoned barn, some of the wooded siding splintering off in places.
"I found this place one summer," he said. "I used to come here when I needed to get away."
He opened the driver's side door and got out. I followed behind him.
The grounds were definitely vacant, obviously had been for a long time, and I imagined it was overrun by wild flowers in the summer. The barn doors creaked loudly, screaming out their lack of use when Edward opened the doors. The floorboards were just as loud. I followed him toward some old, empty wooden crates that sat in a corner of the barn, underneath a dirty window. They looked as lonely as the building.
"Just sit down there." He pointed to some of the crates. He sat down on a cemented bench that was flipped on its side, a crack through the seat that was visible when he lifted it upright. "I'd have you sit on this, but those are a lot sturdier."
"These are fine," I assured him as I sat down on one.
We were both seated, awkward silence drifting through the barn as stealthy as the wind that blew through the missing wood planks.
I was going to slice through that silence, because maybe he was waiting for me to begin, but he sighed loudly, then started talking. "I meant what I said earlier… about wanting you."
"Okay." Real articulate, Bella.
He fumbled with his hands but glanced up at me after I spoke. "So you know, I didn't plan this shit out, Bella. I work better alone."
"Then why are we here?"
His brows furrowed. "You think I wanted to be here, doing this? Believe me, I didn't. I tried everything. I really did. I tried hating you, especially because of where you're from. I tried drinking you out of my system. I was ready to fuck you out of my head, but I-" He paused, shaking his head, probably to collect himself. "The point is, I did damn well everything not to want you, and the harder I fought, the more I wanted you." His stare intensified. "Were you… That wasn't just me, right?"
God, I wish it had been.
I shook my head. "It wasn't just you."
"What now?" he asked. "Where do we go from here? I think we've seen how well I control myself around you."
"What do you want?" I murmured. It was a dangerous question, but I still wanted the answer.
"That is the million dollar question, is it not?" He laughed, dryly. "You know what the fuck I want, Bella. That's why I'm here. Do I think it's a good idea? Hell, no. Did I want it? Sure didn't. None of that matters, though. I still want what I want… and you're it." The heart in my chest beat rapidly. "What do you want?"
"Truthfully, Edward, I feel the same. I tell myself to stay away from you, that we aren't good for each other, but I never seem to listen to my own advice where you're concerned. I can't see how this will turn out well for either of us, but I can't change this pull to you. I've tried too, but I can't do it."
"Yeah, we're pretty optimistic about this, aren't we?"
I smiled, hmphing under my breath. "We definitely are."
We were back to the awkward silence beating down around us.
Edward shuffled in his seat. "So yeah, I know we're at some fucking crossroads here and shit because neither of us expected what's happening, but like I said, Bella, I can't stay away from you anymore. Trying to, it's making me lose my goddamn mind. But, you know, I just… I want to keep this between us."
I blinked at him, perpetually, feeling a wave of disappointment rush through me. Of course he would. He didn't want anyone to know he felt anything for me. And here he said he wasn't ashamed. I guess it would be easier once we were over if we just kept it hidden. No loose ends to deal with.
He angled closer to me. "I know that look." I turned away from him and began staring out the filmy window. "Bella, it's not what you think. This has nothing to do with being ashamed of you. What this is about, it's about keeping something for myself and not being questioned about the motive behind it. Fuck, Carlisle and Esme, if they knew we were… uh…" He paused.
My head snapped in his direction, my tone biting. "If we were what, Edward? What exactly are we, huh? Friends? Dating? Soon-to-be fuck buddies? Is all this just about getting down my pants?"
He stood up from the old bench and strode toward me, planting himself directly in front of me. I could feel the anger vibrating off his body. "Is that what you want, Bella?" he growled.
He reached out, locking his fingers around my wrist and pulled, yanking me to my feet. We were practically body to body now. His stare was hard, the green of his eyes darkened by anger… and something else.
My body heated, but I refused to buckle in front of him. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" I spat. "I won't be your plaything, Edward."
He smirked at me, arrogant like, his lips pulled up in the way that drove that ache within me further out of control. "See, I hear what you're saying, Bella, but your body is saying something completely different right now." He leaned forward, whispering in my ear. "I can smell that you want me. Did you know that shit?" He inhaled, then pulled me closer. "Do I wanna fuck you, Bella? Yeah, I do. More than you know. I'm not gonna lie to you about that."
The hand that gripped my wrist immediately lowered, pressing my palm against his erection. His very hard erection. I gasped. "You can feel how much I want you. But despite what you might think, I don't just wanna stick my dick in you. I'm not just after your body." He shook his head and released my wrist. "It would be so much easier if that's all I fucking wanted from you. I wish that was all I wanted." He ground his teeth together. "But I want more than that."
I bit my lip, whispering, "You say that now, but what if you see something about me you don't like, and you realize I'm not what you really want."
He smirked again. "I fought hard against this shit, but I think we're past that point now, don't you? Like I told you earlier, all you have to do is fucking breathe."
"Yeah, but I-"
"Do you want me, Bella?"His body trembled against mine. "You need to tell me now, because I'm not doing this shit alone. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here either. I'm definitely not boyfriend material. I'm an asshole, and you'll probably hate me in the end, but I'm standing here in front of you now, doing shit I said I'd never do. This is me, as vulnerable as you're ever gonna see. You want to walk away from this, we'll walk away, but I don't think you really want that."
I knew I didn't. "I don't want to walk away."
He exhaled fully, his warm breath caressing my face. "Are you all in, then? All or nothing, Bella. I'm not asking for marriage and all that bullshit. Seriously not going there. I just need to know you're there too."
I looked into his eyes, seeing past the bullshit, the hard exterior, and stared into the soul of him. I was there with him. We were both equally afraid about the steps we were taking. "I'm there too."
"You know what that means, then?" His expression was so serious.
"What?"
The right side of his mouth turned up into a half smile. "We're fucked."
I laughed, my chest feeling less heavy. "How ironic."
He sat us down along the wooden crates but kept our bodies close – I was practically sitting in his lap. "You think that shit's funny, don't you? But what's ironic is I warned you what would happen, and you didn't listen."
His hand wrapped around the back of my neck as he pulled my face closer to his. "Oh, really? And what's that?"
His eyes drifted down to my mouth as his tongue came out, swiping along his bottom lip, leaving the soft flesh glistening. "I told you I'd make you mine… and I did."
I opened my mouth to reply, but he pulled me forward into a heated kiss. I moaned as his tongue entered my mouth, grazing mine, and his fingers dug into the flesh of my neck and lower back.
I lost track of time, breathing, everything that didn't involve Edward's hands or mouth. But I registered his mouth leaving mine, the desire behind his eyes, him telling me to stand up, only to pull me back down so I was straddling him. His cool fingers ran under my coat, grasping my waist and pulling me against him. He was so hard underneath me, and God help me, I whimpered when I felt him between my legs, sliding over him, when he pulled me closer.
He grinned and did it again, but thrust against me.
"You think if I rubbed myself all over you, everyone would know you belong to me?" he breathed.
Somehow, the thought of him doing that was insanely hot, even if he was insinuating I was property. "I'm not… property." You'd be anything he wanted you to be right now, my mind rasped. "And I thought you… uh… didn't want anyone to know about us."
"You aren't property, but you are mine," he drawled. He drew my hips forward, rocking me over him so his erection hit just right between my legs, causing sparks of pleasure that even my teeth felt. "Besides, I only meant Carlisle and Esme… and your parents. I don't want lectures right now. And the people at school, I don't give a fuck what they think."
My eyes closed in tight slits, the pleasure almost too much. "They… they'd find out… kids… school."
He shifted me forward and lifted his hips to meet mine. "No more talking."
His tongue was back in my mouth, and he was pushing and pulling me against him, groaning and cursing against the friction our bodies caused. Shouldn't I be stopping th- "Oh, God," I gasped, breaking the kiss.
"I wanna make you come, Bella. Fuck, I really wanna make you come."
Oh, God. Was I really doing this? What if he saw- "I… I've-"
"I'm not gonna do it here," he whispered. "As much as I want to, I'm not going to. Not here."
He stopped moving me over him, then helped me off his lap. I had to lean against the crate to keep from toppling over.
"I… uh… thank you." I could feel my cheeks flaming.
He smiled. "What for? Almost making you come?"
I blushed further. "No. For, you know, stopping and..." My words trailed off.
"Bella, are you a virgin?"
I was beyond humiliated now. "I'm going to the car now."
He reached for me, pulling me against him. "Shit, I wasn't making fun of you. I was just making sure." I could see the sincerity in the way he looked at me. It was a strange emotion coming from Edward.
I nodded. "Yeah."
He brushed his lips against mine. "I'll take it slow, okay? I'll make it good for you, angel ey-" He stopped speaking, his body stiffening.
"Edward?"
He stepped away from me and ran his fingers through his hair. "We should get back. It's fucking cold out here, and I don't need you getting sick."
He stepped forward, but I reached for his hand, wrapping my fingers around his. He stood still, gazing toward the barn doors, before finally looking at me. "Are you… Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine."
His fingers seemed stiff, but he didn't drop my hand as he pulled me alongside him to his car. Just like our drive to the barn, the ride home was made in silence.
We didn't speak through dinner, but I felt him watching me, even as he excused himself upstairs. I hated the silence between us. It felt like he was shutting me out. He had since he stopped himself from finishing whatever he was saying to me in the barn, when he called me angel something. Angel what? What else was he going to say? I really wanted to know.
I finished eating and cleared my plate, offering to wash the dishes for Esme. She refused, telling me I was a guest in her home, and I was free to watch television in the living room or head up to Alice's room. I chose the latter.
As I rounded the corner of the last step, I found myself in the same predicament I'd been in the previous night… well, almost. This time, I was wrapped in Edward's arms, and his mouth was moving hungrily over mine.
"Fuck, I wanted to do that the whole time you were eating," he breathed against my mouth.
"Really?" I asked. "I thought you were ignoring me."
"Uh, yeah, that's not fucking possible. Tried that, remember?"
"But in the car and at the table, you never-"
"I was just overwhelmed. That's all."
"How did you know it was me, though?"
He grinned. "I'd know that fucking scent of yours anywhere."
He kissed me again, obviously to keep me from asking any more questions, but stopped when we heard Esme moving downstairs. "When everyone is asleep, meet me downstairs. Will you meet me?"
I knew I shouldn't… again, for so many reasons, but I was going to anyhow. "Yes."
He smiled, making my knees weak to the point I had to grasp onto him to hold myself upright. This was becoming a habit with him.
He laughed at my clumsiness. It was such a beautiful sound. "Go on before Esme comes up here and finds me doing something to you I shouldn't." His voice was like sex, a promise of all the things his eyes showed that he wanted to do to me.
I was full on blushing now.
We watched each other moving opposite directions in the hall and kept our eyes locked until we were closed behind the bedroom doors. He was in the room beside me, basically a few feet away, and I still felt the longing. Admitting to him what I felt, I opened myself up to the emotion.
I had just sprawled myself upon the bed when my cell chimed.
Don't fall asleep, Bella. You have somewhere to be when everyone falls asleep.
My entire body flushed with heat. I was in so much trouble later.