CF - Chapter Eight: Face the Music

Chapter 8: Face the Music

 

Snuff

Deliver me into my fate

If I'm alone I cannot hate

I don't deserve to have you

Ooh, my smile was taken long ago

If I can change I hope I never know

 

Edward

I sat there at that fucking lunch table, doing my best to ignore the fact that Bella was sitting across from me. I'd been doing well in outward appearances for the last week, but the shit I was feeling on the inside, the shit she made me feel, was breaking me down… piece by piece. I considered that I was probably losing my damn mind.

She was always inside my head. It didn't matter whether she was near me, or if I was lying in my bed with a bottle of Patron to help numb her away. She was haunting me and torturing me, making this fucking craving to make her mine so intense I was completely unraveling from the inside out. The feeling only became worse the more I tried to write her off. I was learning I couldn't escape her anymore than I could escape the fucked up shit that I relived in my nightmares.

Every little move she made across from me sent a wave of her goddamn scent in my direction. I even sniffed the air like a fucking scent stalker, but tried to make that shit look casual, like I was just inhaling through my nose instead of my mouth. Needless to say, I spent most of lunch with my dick hard.

I told myself not to look and the more I said it, the more I wanted to look at her. One quick look wouldn't matter. Yeah, that's what I told myself, but the second I glanced up all nonchalant and shit, her tongue slipped out of her mouth, gliding along her bottom lip to clean off some sauce. I choked on the fucking water I'd been drinking while digging my other hand into my thigh to keep my already tedious control in check enough so I didn't go flying across the table and fuck her right where she sat. At this point, I would not have minded that scenario. Onlookers be damned.

I forced my eyes down at the table while I got myself grounded. I started relaxing, other than my aching dick, but I was getting myself together… until Tyler opened his fucking mouth.

"So, Bella, I heard you mention that you didn't have to work on Friday, so I was wondering if you'd maybe want to go see a movie with me?"

My eyes shot up, landing right on Bella's face. I was instantly enraged. I wanted to break Tyler's fucking jaw. I didn't give a shit if it was irrational or not, because she wasn't my girl, but he still shouldn't be asking her out. She wasn't his. She'd never be his.

I watched her, the blush on her cheeks spreading down the visible part of her neck as she stared back at him. Her breathing increased, she bit her lip and flushed deeper. It was like she sensed me staring at her. She fucking knew I was looking, I knew she did, even if she wasn't staring back at me.

Don't fucking do it, Bella! Don't you say yes to him!

I really thought she was going to say no, because I willed her to tell Tyler to fuck off, until Alice opened her goddamn mouth about double dating with her and Jasper. My eyes drifted from Bella to Alice, and I was pretty much incinerating her with my eyes.

"Uh… yeah, that sounds great."

The moment she said yes, I shoved back in my chair, practically knocking it over as I left that fucking lunchroom. There was no way that sitting there in that chair any longer was a possibility, not after she told Tyler yes. I couldn't look at him without wanting to cause him serious pain. I wanted to hurt that motherfucker. I wasn't even sure how I managed to get up and leave at all.

The rage I felt, irrational or not, it made me feel almost homicidal as I shoved my way through that fucking lunchroom and out the doors to my car. I hadn't felt this level of fury since my mom died.

It was Bella who made me feel this shit. She was never supposed to belong to him. She was only supposed to be long to m-

She wasn't going to be his.

-OO-OO-OO-

I was still enraged during class. I couldn't look at Bella, not when all I wanted to do right then was claim her in front of every motherfucker in this school so they'd know not to even point their eyes in her general direction. I couldn't look at her because that's exactly what I would have done if my eyes met hers.

This carnal shit she had me feeling all the time, it was making me goddamn insane. I even had the urge to piss all over her locker, marking my territory. How fucked was that?

She sat next to me, those constant sighs and hums that came out of her mouth and the strawberry smell of her going straight to my dick. Even as angry as I was about her date with Tyler, it was a wonder I was able to function enough to open my book and appear as if I actually intended to fucking pay attention in class.

By the end of school, I was nothing more than a mass of fury that wrapped around every muscle and bone in my body. It wanted to punch its way out of my skin and launch itself at Tyler Crowley, especially when I saw him standing next to Bella's locker like he meant to fucking walk her out to her truck. Going over to her locker while both were standing there, whipping out my dick and marking my territory was looking better by the minute. If I pissed all over her locker, or fucked her right against it with him watching, maybe they'd both get a clue about what was mine.

It was this kind of irrational shit she made me think and feel that made me certain I was losing my mind. I wanted her out of me, because the more she shoved her way inside me, the less of me was left. Pretty soon, it would only be her.

I couldn't fucking let that happen, but I had no idea how to stop it.

Instead, I drove home long enough to eat and change, then took off to nowhere in particular. I mostly drove around, cranking the music loud enough to drown out thoughts I didn't want to be having. I stayed out until it was near time for everyone to be going to bed, then came home to a bottle of Patron to numb away the fucking shit inside my head.

The dreams of Bella interweaved a lot with the ones about my mom. The problem was, drinking myself to passing out meant I couldn't wake up from the nightmares when the shit got crazy – I had to man up and deal with them.

Thursday, I didn't talk to anyone. Not even Emmett and Jasper. My mood was becoming fouler the closer it came to Friday. Lunch was spent in my car… with some Patron.

I ignored Bella through biology, or so she thought. I didn't look at her, but I sure as hell smelled and heard her. Hell had a special place for people like me, and it consisted of brown eyes, the perfect fucking body, strawberry smelling skin and the name of Isabella Swan.

Friday, I was a motherfucking nightmare on legs. No one, and I mean no one, talked to me or even attempted to look at me. The warning to steer clear was practically oozing out of my pores and surrounding me like a giant billboard sign above my head.

Lunch, of course, was spent in my car, but this time getting high.

Even high, I couldn't unwind enough to enjoy it. I'm pretty sure Bella didn't breathe beside me in Biology. I was that aware of her. I was always that aware of her. I was also aware that the urge to make her mine rivaled the need to breathe in air. It burned my insides not giving in to the shit I was feeling for her, but the pain of staying away couldn't match the pain of losing her if I allowed myself to care.

I headed straight to work from school. Tanya was waiting for me, just like she always was, but I walked past her into the backroom. I wasn't in the mood to deal with her shit. She tried to proposition me, of course she would, but again, I wasn't in the fucking mood.

She got pissed, flicking her hair to one side as she stomped off like I owed her my attention. It all came down to the fact that I didn't let her all up on my dick. She wasn't the one my dick wanted.

My anger stewed the entire night, blackening the air around me to the point it was like inhaling thick, chalky smoke that angrily coated my lungs. All I could think about was her. Bella. Was she having fun with Tyler right now? And if she was, did that mean they'd start seeing each other? The thought of her and Tyler on their date, becoming a couple, fueled the already burning flame of anger inside me.

I finished working in a haze of anger, not giving a shit whether I did anything half-assed. By the time I clocked out, I was so wound up that I knew I couldn't just go home and lay in bed.

I drove around for awhile but finally gave into going home. Bella's truck was in the driveway, which meant she was there. As if I needed this shit right now with the way I was feeling.

I headed straight to my room and changed into a pair of sweat pants, then collapsed on my bed, reaching for the Patron beside my bed. I was getting low, so I'd have to pay Aro to get me some more in the morning. In the meantime, I didn't want to feel a damn thing.

I was laying in bed for some time, trying to drink myself into unconsciousness when I heard Alice's door creak open, followed by footsteps down the hall.

I could hear Bella outside my room, walking down the stairs. I knew it was her by the clumsy steps she took.

I wouldn't have needed to be told she was here even if I hadn't seen her truck in the driveway. I knew her fucking scent anywhere, and I was hard the second I smelled it.

I lay there, repetitively flexing the fingers of my free hand, wrapping my feet tighter in my sheet to keep from doing what I wanted so fucking desperately to do. I hadn't been able to sleep, knowing she was basically on the other side of that wall. I had at one point lifted my hand, palming the wall to see if I could somehow feel her.

The fact that she was here increased the need to know what the hell happened between her and Tyler on their date to something more intense than it had been. I wanted to know so damn bad, and now she was outside the room… alone. I knew there was no one up but me and her.

I wanted so many fucking things right then, and they all centered around Bella. She was the driving force behind me unwrapping myself from the sheet and the bottle of Patron in my left hand.

I stood up, setting the almost empty bottle on my nightstand, and walked toward my bedroom door as if I were being pulled by gravity toward her. I stepped quietly out of my room, closing the door slowly so it made no noise when I shut it. I started for the stairs, and just as I made it to the top step, Bella came around the corner, colliding right into me. The timing was perfect.

I could tell she was going to scream out of fear – she wasn't as acutely aware of me as I was her – but I clamped my hand over her mouth to hold back the sound. Her eyes blinked in the dark, like she was trying to adjust to the extremely dim lighting. I think she realized before her vision cleared that it was me in front of her, though.

She hadn't intended for us to run into each other, that much was clear, but I had come to seek her out despite warring myself over it. It was going to happen whether she planned it or not.

I could feel her warm breath on my hand and feel the heat radiating from her body to mine while the smell of her scent became heady because we were body to body. I closed my eyes, biting back a fucking groan. I was able to swallow it back, but I wasn't able to stop myself from becoming painfully hard behind my sweat pants.

I leaned forward, inhaling against her hair as I whispered in her ear. "Shhh… You wouldn't want to wake the others and shit, would you?"

She blinked again, but shook her head. I dropped my hand from her mouth while my eyes wandered over her body. Those fucking shorts she had on gripped her body while showing off those amazing legs of hers. My dick was so hard it ached.

"What are you doing out here, Bella?" I wanted her to the point my body thrummed with intense need, and that was not good on her part. "You shouldn't be out here… Not right now."

"Water." She was so fucking nervous. It was like she sensed the predator in me. It was true, though. I'd become so damn ravenous for her. "I… uh… needed water."

She tried to step away from me, shoving herself further against the wall behind her so she could get around me. It didn't work, not that I would have let her go by me now, anyway. But I smirked at her effort. It was too late for that shit now. I wanted her, and she was standing right there.

"Alice's room," she whimpered. "I'm… going there."

I stepped toward her, staring directly into her eyes, practically seeing into her soul. "Did you have fun on your date?" That word was like acid in my mouth.

"Yes."

That one-worded response was enough to spark the fury and the unending need to fucking bury myself inside her so she'd understand she belonged to no one but me. "Is that so?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"Did he kiss you, Bella?"

I was teetering on that edge again, so fucking close to losing my shit. If she said yes, I knew I'd leave in the clothes I now wore, despite the fact it was early in the morning, and go find Tyler so I could break his goddamn face.

She acted shocked I asked, so I told her it was a simple yes or no question – we were beyond the shocked shit now. She tried telling me it was none of my business, to which I made it perfectly fucking clear it was. Whether she liked or not, whether she realized it or not, she was my business.

I pressed myself against her, feeling her soft curves against my hard body. I had never wanted to push my way inside someone more than I did right then. God, I wanted her. "You shouldn't be out here, Bella. Not when you're in my head, and I'm trying to…" I paused, grinding my teeth together to hopefully gain some control while trying to fight against everything she was doing to me, but again, it was too late. In that moment of time, she fucking owned me. "Oh, fuck it."

I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her body tight against mine. I crashed my lips to hers. "Don't let me," I pleaded. It was as much for her as it was for myself, because I knew if my tongue entered her mouth, if I tasted her right then, the window for halting this shit was over.

She didn't fight me, didn't even try to stop my mouth from claiming hers. I didn't know if I wanted to thank her, or fucking yell at her for not having more a need for preservation of life.

"Stop me, Bella," I demanded in a low voice.

God, if you don't stop me right now, Bella, I won't be able to stop.

"No," she whispered back. She was so fucking defiant, and the fact that she defied me made my dick practically weep in satisfaction.

I groaned loudly, pushing my tongue inside her mouth. Fuck, she tasted so good.

It was over. That window closed. I was going to make her mine.

I reached down, gripping the underside of her thighs and hoisted her up, wrapping her legs around my waist. I pressed myself hard against her, pinning her body between mine and the wall, causing the head of my dick to brush against her pussy and her to moan into my mouth.

It was the sexiest fucking sound I'd ever heard. I wanted to keep manipulating her body in whatever way would cause that sound to come out of her mouth… over and over.

I thrust my hips upward as I slid my left hand up the side of her shorts and gripped my fingers around her ass, hitting that same spot that made her moan seconds before. I was rewarded with the same sound, a bit louder this time, while her tiny hands fisted into my hair, gripping almost painfully.

I wanted to tear those shorts off her body, yank my sweats down and plunge my way inside that tight warmth between her legs. It felt so damn good, the friction against my dick with our clothes on, but I wanted the barrier gone. I was going motherfucking insane for her.

She pulled her head back, gasping for air at the exact moment I thrust my hips against her again.

"Oh, God," she whimpered as she closed her eyes, her head hitting against the wall and making a thudding sound that echoed through the hallway. She was as far gone as I was.

I smirked up at her as I squeezed her right ass cheek. "Feels so fucking good, doesn't it? I can make it feel better than that. You want me to make it feel better, Bella?"

She opened her eyes, gazing down at me under hooded lids. "I… uh…" She paused, like she was trying to decide if she should let me, so I ground my dick into her again to help her decide. She closed her eyes and breathed, "Yes."

I brushed the hair off her shoulder and pushed the collar of her sweatshirt down a little, skimming my fingers along the delicate skin of her neck, then leaned forward, trailing my tongue along the same path my fingers had taken. Her whole body shivered in my arms. I grazed my teeth along her ear lobe before whispering, "I'm gonna make you feel good all over, Bella."

I shifted her in my grip so I could hold her better to me when I turned around. She wrapped her legs tighter around my waist, caging my dick closer to the warmth I wanted to be inside so badly. I groaned as I started for my room. Fuck, I couldn't wait to get inside that pussy.

I turned the handle and was just about to make my way inside the room with Bella when I heard Alice's door open.

"Bella?"

"Fuck," I hissed under my breath.

Bella's legs dropped from around my waist, and her body started sliding down mine. She briefly buried her face against my chest, like she was trying to crawl inside me and hide, then whispered, "I have to go. You need to let me go."

I didn't want to let her go, I wanted to take her to my bed, but fucking Alice ruined any chance of that.

"Go," I ground out.

She moved around me, telling Alice that she'd gone downstairs to get some water. It was possible Alice had seen us, but I really didn't care, and I didn't hear her say anything about it. I waited until Alice's door closed before I went inside my room, fighting the urge to slam everything around.

I was harder than I'd ever been, and the possibility of going to sleep like that was not going to fucking happen. I tried to think of shit that would turn me off, but nothing worked. I could smell Bella all over me, still taste her in my mouth, and even feel her soft body against mine.

I ended up whacking off twice before I was remotely sated enough to fall asleep.

-OO-OO-OO-

Now that I was more levelheaded, I knew the shit in the hallway between Bella and me shouldn't have happened. I wanted her, but it was wrong, even if it felt so fucking right.

Being so close to her last night, feeling her against me, allowing the walls to fall just a fraction for her, it made me realize how good inside she was. I wanted to have her wrapped around me forever so I could stay close to her. It also made me realize she deserved so much fucking better than me.

I could never be what she needed me to be. I couldn't give over parts of me that she would need in order to keep her as mine. I wasn't whole, hadn't been for a long time, and Bella wasn't one of these fucking girls like Tanya or Bree that were so easy to forget. Nothing about Bella was forgettable.

My bed felt like steel as I tossed and turned in the early morning. The light was just peering through the window, still darkened a bit by the passing night. I glanced at the alarm clock, meeting the red blaze that said it was nearly seven o'clock in the morning.

I rolled over, gripping my hair as I growled under my breath. I'd slept for shit, because all I could think about was Bella and what I'd done to her in my fucking hallway before Alice interrupted us. I thought about what would have happened if Alice hadn't interrupted, too. It would have been more than my tongue that had been inside Bella's body. I hated and thanked Alice for that shit.

Sleeping obviously wasn't going to happen, and lying in bed was doing nothing but driving me even more insane with thoughts of Bella and everything else I couldn't escape, so I got up and threw on some warm clothes, put on my coat and shoes, then took off outside. I didn't bother getting in my car, hell if I knew why, I just ran through the wooded area across the street from my house.

I ran through the mass of trees, running from her, running from fucking everything. I was tired of feeling this shit for her, but it was there, beating me down, making me want to make her mine. I just fucking wanted her so damn much.

I stopped before the trees parted, opening up to a vacant field. I turned around, trying to catch my breath while making sure no one was following me. I wasn't sure anyone had been awake when I left, but if they had, I wouldn't put it past them to try and follow me. Fixing me was on their daily routine. And I knew exactly what would happen if they did. I knew what the hell I'd do if they followed.

"You lost, boy?"

I turned around, coming face to face with an older man sitting on a broken tree stump, guitar in hand.

"Do I look like I'm fucking lost?" I hadn't been here before, but that shit didn't matter.

He shook his head, laughing, and began strumming lightly on the guitar. It was pretty damn awkward to say the least. Coming across an old man sitting outside in the fucking cold, even if he was bundled up like a goddamn Eskimo, playing guitar, was not something you saw every day.

"Well?"

He spoke two sentences, and he was already getting on my goddamn last nerve. "What's it to you, anyway?"

He smirked. "It's not. Just making conversation."

I'd had enough conversation, and I was not in the mood to be interrogated, least of all by some fucking old man I didn't know. If I wanted that shit, I'd just go home or find Bella.

"I don't make conversation with people I don't know." I said it like it was pretty fucking obvious, because it was.

"The name's Caius, but you can call me Smokey. And you are?" Was this asshole for real?

"What the fuck kind of name is Caius?" Yeah, I was a dick, but we already established that shit.

His head cocked to the side, his forehead a mass of scrunched lines as he studied me. I didn't like the way he was looking at me. "My birth name, obviously. You can tell me yours now, seeing as you just happened to stumble upon my property and completely disregarded the 'no trespassing' signs. Or I could just call-"

"Edward," I growled. "My fucking name is Edward." I didn't know this guy, but I knew enough to know I didn't like him, and I sure as hell didn't need another run-in with the cops.

He smirked again, throwing my words right back at me. "Well, what the fuck kind of name is Edward?"

This fucker was pissing me off. "Old man, you're getting on my last-"

"You didn't answer my question," he interrupted, unaffected by my anger. He stood from the tree trunk, holding the guitar at his side. "You lost?"

He was still staring at me like he was attempting to figure me out. It was too personal, the way he was looking at me, and I knew his question had nothing to do with misdirection.

"Not that it's any of your business, but no, I'm not lost."

"So arrogant," Caius mumbled. "Pain will do that."

"What the fuck did you just say to me?" I took a step toward him. I wasn't rationally thinking before I reacted, but this guy was running his mouth about shit he didn't know.

He lifted an eyebrow. "Like I said, pain will do that."

"What do you know about pain?" I asked through gritted teeth.

He lowered his gaze toward the ground. "Enough."

"Yeah, is that right? Well, you don't know shit about mine."

His eyes immediately lifted, meeting mine. The humor was gone, replaced with anger. "You think you got the corner market on pain, boy? Let me tell you, you don't. We all have our own pain, some worse than others, and it takes knowing pain pretty damn well to recognize it. We all have our vices to dealing with it, too. Some of us channel into something constructive." He gestured with his guitar. "And some of us decide to hate the world and everyone in it. Hate's a pretty strong emotion, boy, and it can destroy whatever humanity you have left inside you. You may think you want that darkness to swallow you up so you can disappear, so you won't feel anymore, but trust me, it's much worse at the bottom. It hurts a hell of a lot worse trying to climb your way out of it, too. And you will want to climb out of it."

That very moment, it was the first time the vice-like grip the anger held on my heart eased a fraction. I didn't understand why, but the change was definitely there. "You sound like you're speaking from personal experience and shit."

Caius nodded. "I am."

"Yeah, well, thanks for the advice, but I'm doing just fine on my own."

He smirked, shaking his head. "If that's so true, why are you running away?"

"I'm not fucking running away from anything," I said defensively.

He smirked again. "I don't know you, but-"

I cut him off. "That's right, you don't."

He narrowed his eyes, but began speaking again. "I don't know you, but you don't seem the type to be interested in nature walking. That's just an observation of mine, of course. Besides, you can't bullshit a bullshitter. Been there, done that. Remember?"

"I don't give a shit what you've done, old man." Yeah, I was back to pissed off. This fucker wouldn't lay off, but still, I stood there and listened to him talk, having no idea why the hell I did.

"Of course you don't." He chuckled at me. "I heard the same lecturing I'm giving you, and I hated it as much as you do. I probably shouldn't say anything, because it's not really my place, but-"

"Why don't you take your own advice and quit lecturing me, then. I don't need to hear this shit from you, too."

"Because I already found my salvation." He glanced off to the right, staring past the trees. "She was everything to me, and the cancer took her about five years ago. Took a part of me, too, when she passed on. I could be angry and resentful, and I was for awhile, but all that did was blacken the time God gave me to be with her.

"I didn't appreciate what I'd been given. I was selfish wanting more, and all that did was eat me up inside until that wound in my soul left me hollowed out. I was so empty. It took a long time to realize what I was doing to her memory with the hate. Every moment with her, it was precious, and nothing can replace it. I know you know that, boy."

He stared back at me, the harsh reality of his loss etched in every line on his face, in the dark blue of his aged eyes. "For awhile, God gave me an angel. She was my angel, came to me when I needed her most. She stayed with me until God decided he needed her back. This here…" He held up his guitar. "It'll never be her, but playing music from my heart, letting the tune carry out the pain and anger instead of holding it inside, it's like purging my soul. I don't feel so empty anymore.

"I chose to dig myself out of that hole. I wanted to be worthy of my angel." He stared at me for awhile, the silence drifting around me so fucking uncomfortably, I wanted to crawl out of my skin. "I know that look on your face too. You got an angel, boy?"

I glanced away, grinding my teeth, not even attempting to answer that loaded question, but I could hear the smile in his voice when he started talking again. He'd read me like an open book. "Yeah, you do, don't ya? You wouldn't be running like you are if you didn't. I didn't want to let my angel in either, but it didn't matter in the end. She found a way in good and proper. She took up the whole inside of me. I'll let you in on a little secret, though."

He sat his guitar down and clasped his hands together. "You can't run from what's meant to be. Fate, it finds you no matter where you go. I tried to run and hide, but when I finally gave in, when it became too much to stay away from her and I handed myself over willingly, I wondered why I ran to begin with. She saved me. That's what angels do whether you want them to or not. You'll find out soon enough."

"You don't know me at all, so how do you know all this shit about me? Have you been stalking me, old man?"

He laughed. "You'd be surprised what your eyes can see once you've lived a life like mine. But you, it doesn't take much to see what you got inside ya. You aren't trying to hide it well." He adjusted his coat, then stood up, reaching for his guitar. "It's getting pretty cold out here, and I'm late for an appointment. Go on to your angel, boy. The sooner you give in to fate, the sooner you aren't feeling so dead inside. Just remember, you can fight against her all you want, but you won't win. She's already in your soul. You running away only proves that."

How fucking right he was.

-OO-OO-OO-

I headed back to the house, but Bella was already gone. I overheard Alice tell Esme she'd gone into work for a few hours even though she'd been scheduled off. I went straight to my room, pacing back and forth.

Who the fuck was that man and how did he know anything about me?

I briefly stared outside, but it was as chaotic looking as I felt inside. That internal war never stopped, but it was raging fierce today.

I reached for the bottle of Patron at the side of my bed and brought it to my lips, but I couldn't bring myself to take a sip. God, I wanted to, but my hand wouldn't tip the bottle back no matter how much my brain tried to force it to.

It couldn't erase away every fucking thing that ate at me, I knew that shit, but it wasn't for lack of trying every night. All the liquid inside that bottle did was push my baggage to the back of my brain for a brief time, but it was still there, smirking in wait, ready to tear me apart some more when I was sober.

It festered inside, eating away at what little was left of anything good inside me, leaving me a black nothingness. But I felt, I fucking felt some life with Bella. She pointed those angel eyes on me, testing me in ways no one ever had, and made me feel like I used to when I wanted to live. It scared me to hell and back, but as much as I fought against it, I wanted it – I wanted her beyond all reason.

I didn't deserve her, didn't deserve to feel the life she breathed in me, but I fucking wanted it all. I didn't have the strength to stay away from her anymore. I tried and failed.

I wanted Bella.

I changed into my work clothes and grabbed my coat, then started for the stairs. I made it into the kitchen and was just about to open the back door when I heard Alice behind me.

"It's nice to have you back. I was beginning to wonder if you'd let it happen."

I turned around to see her standing against the door frame, a hand on her hip. It was the first time I'd really looked her in the eye in a long time. "You don't know what you're talking about, Alice. This is me. This is what the fuck I am."

She smiled softly. "No it's not. You're changing, but it's not because of your family. It doesn't matter, though. It's still happening."

I had a feeling Alice saw a lot more than she let on the night before, but if she wasn't going to say shit about it, then neither was I.

"Don't count on it."

Just as I closed the door behind me, I heard her tiny voice whisper, "I already see you, Edward."

I didn't stop moving to respond. I had somewhere to be.

I didn't have to be to work for another hour, but that didn't stop me from pulling into Higgenbotham's.

I pushed through the heavy glass door, scanning the store for the reason I was there to begin with. She wasn't at the registers or anywhere near the front of the store, so I started toward the back to search the aisles until I found her.

I could feel Tanya's eyes on me, but I didn't give her the fucking satisfaction of looking at her. I had one purpose for being there, and she wasn't it.

I moved from aisle to aisle, growing more anxious when I couldn't find Bella. Where the hell was she?

I managed to come across Paula when I neared the back of the store, but I breezed past her. "You're early," she called out to me.

"Yeah, well, I was attempting that employee of the month shit."

I could hear her laughing behind me.

I rounded the corner of the produce aisle and spotted Bella making her way into the backroom. I increased my pace, hoping to catch her while no one was around. I really didn't want to talk to her with prying ears that I knew these fuckers around here had.

I called out to her even though I was a few feet behind her. "Bella."

She stopped and turned around, shocked to see me. "Edward, what are you doing here?" She glanced at her watch, then back to me. "You aren't supposed to be here for another hour."

I had to say what I came here for before I allowed myself enough time to think it through. "We need to talk."

She sighed. "Look, you don't have to feel bad about-"

"I want you."

"W-what?" She gripped the collar of her turtleneck as she stared up at me in confusion with those angel eyes of hers.

"I can't do it anymore, Bella." I attempted to appear controlled, but my hands shook against my sides. Telling her how I felt, it was disarming me in a way I swore I'd never fucking allow again. "I can't stay away from you. I've fucking tried, and I can't do it. I just… I want you."

CF - Chapter Seven: True Colors

Chapter 7: True Colors

 

Outside

I'm on the outside

I'm looking in

I can see through you

See your true colors

Cause inside you're ugly

You're Ugly like me

I can see through you

See to the real you

"Where have you been?"

I'd barely been standing at my locker mere seconds when a tiny, rambunctious little body practically collided into mine. I laughed at the way she basically bounced on her feet with energy, her hazel eyes dancing with excitement. I almost didn't notice the sadness hidden within them.

"Good morning to you too, Alice."

"Good morning, Bella-ella," she giggled.

"You are a strange little person," I teased, laughing.

"I know," she agreed, nodding her head, her short black hair bobbing with the movement. "So… why were you late? Did you oversleep?"

I was leery about telling her, because I expected her to ask questions I wasn't ready to give answers to, people always did, but for some reason, I just couldn't lie to her. "I had a doctor's appointment."

"You're not sick, are you?" she questioned.

I shook my head. "No, I'm not sick. It was just… uh… a routine checkup."

Surprisingly, she didn't press for any more information. "Well, I'm glad you're here. Do you have to work tonight?" I shook my head, but stared back at her curiously. "Good. I wanted to talk to you about something, but I wasn't sure I'd have the opportunity because you weren't here this morning."

"I'm here now." I put my coat in my locker, then closed it and faced her. "Walk with me, and tell me what you wanted to talk to me about."

She sort of hopped in place and swung her body around, walking with me toward our third period class. "Emmett's birthday party is tonight, and he usually has a pretty big party every year for it. I'd like you to come, too."

Definitely not what I expected her to say. I figured it was probably about going shopping, visiting a spa, or something along those lines - which was also uncomfortable, but a bit more reserved than a party. The thing was, parties weren't my scene, but I hated the idea of hurting Alice's feelings. She didn't have to invite me.

I stopped moving, biting my bottom lip nervously as I looked down at her. "Well, I wasn't invited or anything."

She smiled. "Everyone's invited, Bella."

"I don't think so, Alice. I don't think it's-"

"He won't be there," she blurted out.

"What?" This was the part where I played dumb, but I knew exactly who she was talking about. "Who won't be there?"

"Edward," she replied. Her expression changed when she spoke his name, becoming sullen like it usually did when she mentioned him. "I mean, if that's the reason why you're trying to say no. I know you two don't get along and all, but he has to work tonight, so you don't have to worry about him being there. You'll have fun, I promise."

I shrugged, scrunching up my nose like I'd gotten a whiff of something pretty stank. That's how appealing parties were to me. "I really don't know, Alice. Parties just aren't my thing. And I don't know many people, you know? I'd feel awkward going to someone's party that I'm not real familiar with."

"Please, Bella," she pouted. "It would really mean a lot to me if you came along."

I was acutely aware that she was not going to give up. I sighed. "Look, I'll think about it, okay? I'll let you know before school's over."

She clapped her hands together. "Okay. But just so you know, Bella Swan, you will be going with me tonight, and I'm going to make sure you have the time of your life."

Little did I know, Alice Cullen could be relentless when she wanted something. And she was completely relentless all the way through the latter half of lunch. I only had a minor reprieve from her pouty lip and pleading eyes when I headed out to my truck right before fifth period to retrieve my Biology book.

I really didn't think things could get much worse, but I was wrong. The sky opened up, and large pelts of rain came pouring down on me. My hair was soaked, making me look like a drowned rat, I was late to class, and Edward "Confusing asshole" Cullen stared at me through Biology like I was… Hell, I don't know. Dinner, maybe? He made my head hurt with how confusing he was.

By the time the final bell rang, I was just ready to go home and maybe pack my brain with ice to numb away the past twenty-four hours because the day had been confusing and awkward, to say the least. I bypassed my locker, figuring Alice would be there waiting for me. She wasn't, she was waiting near the red bomb instead, wearing a wide smile and an overstuffed book bag.

I exhaled heavily as I walked toward my truck, hanging my head in defeat. The little sprite was not going to give up.

"Bella," she beamed. "I figured I'd wait here for you and-"

"Alright, alright." I held up my hands, emblematic of waving the white flag. "I'll go with you to the party."

Her smile fell, morphing into a frown. "I didn't… I'm sorry if I was being pushy about you going. You don't have to go, Bella. I just… I know you don't know many people here, and I know that we don't know each other really well, but I like hanging out with you, and I get the feeling that you really understand things. I don't have that with anyone else, and I know you don't either, so I thought-"

"Hey." I reached for her arm, feeling guilty about making such a big deal of going to Emmett's party. Alice was reaching out to me, hoping I'd reach back. Normally, the idea of allowing someone to know me was something I wasn't really comfortable with. There were parts of me that even the few friends I had in Phoenix didn't know, but with Alice, and I didn't understand why, the idea of changing that didn't seem so bad. "I'll go, okay?"

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

Her bright smile reappeared. "Would it be alright if we got ready at your place? I brought everything I'd need with me in my bag, so I could just ride with you… if you don't mind." She lifted her bag in gesture.

"Sure." I nodded. I unlocked my door, climbed inside and reached over to unlock the passenger door for her. I hated that the red bomb didn't have anything automatic.

She yammered away as I drove to my house. I'd never come across anyone who could change topic in three point two seconds and not be annoying, but Alice pulled it off quite well.

It wasn't until after I introduced her to Charlie – Renee was working – and we made it up to my room, that I realized she had anticipated this outcome all along. Not only had Alice brought along a change of clothing for herself, she brought one for me as well.

"Wow, it's like a bleach farm downstairs," she teased.

"Yeah," I mumbled as she handed me the clothing she brought. What was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to tell her that my mom was an avid cleaner? She was, but not because she wanted to be.

"I know it's not something you normally wear, but it still comes up to your neck." It wasn't until she mentioned my neck that I peeled my eyes off the shirt in my hands and glanced at her. "Yeah, you wear turtlenecks all the time, but I kinda guessed there was a reason behind it after you reacted the way you did during lunch. You know, when Edward treated you like he did?"

I remembered all too well.

My face felt hot, and it wasn't because of embarrassment... or maybe it was, but mostly because I didn't realize I was that transparent. I clutched my turtleneck that was hidden under my sweatshirt, stammering my words, "I… It's just that… There's things that-"

"You don't have to tell me, you know." She smiled as she sat along the edge of my bed, her fingers gliding lightly over the fringed ends of my blanket. "I'm not going to beg you to do that. It wouldn't be right. I'm already sort of forcing you to go to a party you don't really want to go to, but I honestly didn't have ulterior motives for that.

"Well, not entirely. I mean, you never smile, Bella. Not really. I know what that's like, and I guess I just wanted to do something to change that for both of us. But whatever it is you're hiding under that turtleneck, I can see you're uncomfortable talking about it. I just want you to know that you can talk to me, and whatever you tell me will stay between us. I mean that, Bella."

There wasn't a doubt in my mind she was being truthful. I'd never seen so much clarity and honesty in one person's eyes before.

I sat down beside her. If I was going to do this, tell her why I wore turtlenecks all the time, I'd need to be sitting down. I wasn't even sure why I wanted to tell her, because I'd never wanted to just open up about it before now, but I really wanted Alice to know.

"You don't have to say anything, but I… Can you just tell me that you're okay, Bella?"

I nodded, swallowing over the heavy lump in my throat.

"Is it bad?" she asked.

"I guess it depends on how you look at it," I murmured. "I'm not like… I'm different from you, Alice. I'm less."

"What?" she asked incredulously. "What does that mean? How can you think-"

"Because I am," I interrupted, speaking louder than I intended.

My eyes lowered toward the plush carpet of my bedroom, tears stinging my eyes. I hated this part. My next words were spoken in a crushed whisper. "My heart… it's not really mine."

"I don't understand." The question in her words was so loud inside my head, practically ringing in my ears.

"The turtlenecks… they hide my scar. They hide that I'm different, that I was too weak to hold onto my own heart, so I had to have someone else's. There's things I can't even do like you can. "

"You had a heart transplant." It was a statement, not a question. "And that's what the doctor's appointment was about."

I nodded.

"When did it happen?"

"Almost two years ago," I deadpanned.

"Bella." She turned her little body toward me, grabbing my hands in hers and squeezing. "I'm no expert on heart transplants or giving advice for that matter, but I can tell you what I see, okay? The way you feel about yourself, it's not the way I see you… or how many others see you either."

"That's because they don't know about me, Alice," I countered. "They just know I'm the weird girl who wears turtlenecks all the time."

She shook her head. "You're not weird, you're just self-conscious… but you don't have to be. That scar, your heart transplant, it doesn't make you different or weak. You still have the same parts, Bella, even if some weren't the ones you were born with. You still have a heart, just like everyone else does. You say it's not yours, but I'm sure it beats loud when you're excited about something or scared, and it hurts when you feel emotional pain. That makes it your heart more than you know. It loves what you love, dislikes what you don't. It feels what you do. It does everything it's supposed to do to make it yours.

"And you being weak? Not even close. Think of how strong you had to be in order to fight to live. You didn't give up; you're here. It means you're a survivor, Bella. There's nothing weak about that in my eyes."

I scrunched up my nose in disgust. "But this scar, it's just-"

"It's just you," she smiled. "It's part of you now, and if someone loves you, they'll love your scar, too."

"I doubt that," I replied curtly.

"What bothers you more about the fact that you had heart surgery?"

I cocked my head to the side, quirking an eyebrow. "How much time you got, because the list is pretty long?"

She laughed. "Educate me with your list, Miss Swan."

I sighed, wiping my eyes. "It's not just about the heart or the scar. That's a big part of it, yes, but I just… Being sick caused my parents to go bankrupt; it's why we're here. My health put a lot of stress on them. I sat and watched both my parents age because of worry over me, how they were going to afford the bills, or where we'd live if we lost our home."

"This scar," I said, patting my chest. "It's not just a reminder of the surgery, that I'll have this hideous looking mark on my body forever, it's a reminder of that too. I can't take back what they had to go through because of me."

"You act like this is something you should have been able to control. It's not, Bella. Things happen, things we can't control. Some of it's pretty shitty too. But you're alive, and it's very obvious that's the only thing that matters to your parents," she stated.

"I can't speak for your mom and dad, but I don't doubt they love you more than anything, Bella. You are the most important part of their life - that's what kids are to their parents. They do what they have to do for their child because they love them, you know… even if that child doesn't want them to." Her eyes held a far off look. "You can't put a price on love. You just can't. But you do what you have to do for the ones you love, no matter what the cost, because saving them, helping them, it's worth the other shit in the end, don't you think?"

I reached for her hand this time, wrapping my fingers around hers the moment I heard the sniffles. "I somehow get the feeling this isn't only about me."

She shrugged, wiping her eyes as she gave me a small smile. "Life's not always fair. I guess I've learned that the hard way… just like you. But we don't have to let it beat us down, right? We're going to go to this party, have fun and forget everything else."

"Yeah, that's what we're going to do." I couldn't help but smile at her determination. "Hey, Alice?"

"Yeah?"

"Quite a few people back home knew about my surgery, but I didn't have many friends or anything, so I… No one knows about me here, and I-"

"I won't say anything to anyone," she assured me.

"Umm… thank you."

"You're welcome," she smiled. "Alright, Bella-ella, I need to use the restroom, then we'll get you ready."

"It's just across the hall," I told her.

She actually skipped out of my room, giggling. Alice was a unique soul - there was no doubt about that. I watched after her, laughing, then turned back around after she closed the door and grabbed the shirt she'd brought me. It definitely came up high enough, but it seemed more form fitting than I normally wore. I could try it on, and if I didn't like the way it looked, if I wasn't comfortable enough, then I'd just put something else on. I could at least give it a try for her.

I glanced back at my bedroom door, then lifted my sweatshirt and turtleneck over my head, tossing them on my bed. I figured I had enough time to change since she was in the bathroom.

I pushed my arms into the sleeves, thinking it would be easier to get it on that way, and yanked the material up my arms, because apparently it was very form fitting. It was kinda like yoga pants material or something.

I was just pulling the neck of the shirt over my head when I heard the door and Alice's melodic voice. "I love the color scheme in-"

On instinct, I turned around as I finished setting the shirt around my neck. Her eyes instantly went to my scar and I wanted to cry. I practically tore the shirt down the upper half of my body and turned around, feeling the tears build and fall, rolling down my heated cheeks.

"Bella, I didn't know you'd be-"

"Please, don't," I pleaded in a whisper. "I just can't."

I didn't want to hear what she had to say. It was my fault, anyway. I was stupid.

She came up behind me, and out of nowhere, tiny arms wrapped around me, hugging me. "I know you didn't want me to see it, but even though I did, it still doesn't change what I said earlier. And you know what?" she said softly. "I think you see more there than there actually is. You aren't disfigured, you know. Plus, I really think your scar has character."

"What?" I laughed at the absurdity, causing salty tears to enter my mouth.

She squeezed me tighter. "I'm serious, Bella. You think it looks hideous, and I'm telling you it doesn't."

I shook my head. "You don't have to say that to make me feel better."

She pulled me down on the bed beside her, holding my hands as we sat face to face. "I'm not. I wouldn't tell you something like that to make you feel better, Bella. I'm telling you that because it's true. It's not this big, gross mark on your body that makes you look like some horrible beast monster or something. Your mind makes you feel that way, but it's not."

"It's not exactly small, Alice."

"No, it's not real small, but it's not, like, huge and grotesque either. And it's certainly not going to matter to those who love you. It shouldn't matter to anyone. I know how cruel people can be, but who cares what they think, anyway."

"I just… I hate what this-"

"Enough with the buzzkill talk." She started bouncing where she sat, but still held onto my hands. "We've got a party to get ready for, and you, Bella-ella, will look as beautiful as ever, okay?"

"How do you make it so easy to tell you things I can't tell anyone else?" I grabbed a tissue off my nightstand and wiped my nose. "I've just never been like this with anyone."

"I guess the same way you do it," she chuckled. "Now, let's pretty you up, get some dinner at the diner and go to that party."

So I sat there, I'm not even sure how long, and let Alice 'pretty' me up.


-OO-OO-

We'd been at Emmett's about an hour, making our way through the party, chatting with people, when Alice finally, begrudgingly on my part, talked me into dancing.

"Oh, my God," Alice squealed. "I love this song."

She loved the song and was not taking 'no' for an answer.

Walk you to the counter

what you got to offer

pick you out a soda

look at you forever

walk you to the water

eyes like a casino

you ain't born typical

I was sort of swaying, trying to keep myself from falling over. Alice was all over the place, laughing, just having a good time. Seeing her like that, it made me laugh along with her.

"Come on, Bella. Shake what your mama gave ya," she yelled over the music.

"Not if you want me to break something of mine or someone else's," I yelled back.

She laughed, but continued dancing, and I put just a little more effort into it, knowing I probably looked like a complete idiot, but I was admittedly having fun.

It was in the middle of the song when warmth cascaded over me, and I felt like someone was watching me, causing the skin on my back to pebble with goosebumps; I actually shivered.

A hand touched the small of my back, but something about the touch was off. I didn't like it. I turned around to see who it was, finding Edward there. My eyes were drawn to him, but he wasn't the one touching me.

dancing on the legs of a new born pony

left right left right, keep it up son

go ahead and have her, go ahead and leave her

you only ever had her when you were a fever

i am a fever, i am a fever

i ain't born typical

i am a fever, i am a fever

i ain't born typical

we are a fever, we are a fever

we ain't born typical

we are a fever, we are a fever

we ain't born typical

There was something almost animalistic within his eyes, and the intensity left my heart pounding, my breathing staccato. I swear it felt like he was claiming me as his with that look. It made no sense to me, he didn't even like me, but even still, it excited and terrified me.

I had to look away, had to make him see that he didn't have any kind of power over me at all. I glanced right at the guy whose hand was now situated on my hip and smiled at him. He smiled back, all dimples and dark hair.

Even over the blare of music, I could hear Edward growl, feel the impact of it within me. It actually sounded primal and pissed off. He stormed off, angry, which seemed to be a usual for him.

What the hell?

"Forget that guy," Dimples said. "How about you and I dance?"

I should have let it go, because Edward and I squaring off never ended well, but the oxygen to my brain was once again cut off, and I decided to follow him to find out what his problem was.

"I'm sorry," I told the guy. I moved through the crowd, forgetting I left Alice behind.

When I stepped out into the backyard, Edward was pacing the damp grass, making weird growling noises while holding a bottle of some kind of liquor within one of his hands.

The fact that I found the way he was acting sexy pissed me off. What did he have to be angry about? Nothing. I hadn't done anything to him. And, honestly, I was tired of feeling like I was hitting a brick wall where he was concerned.

"What the hell is your problem?"

"Leave it alone." Was he threatening me? Oh, hell no.

I followed behind him as he walked further into the yard toward some trees. "No, Edward, I won't leave it alone. What the hell was that back there, huh? You treat me like shit for no reason, and you do it every chance you get, but I-"

"Let it go, Bella."

His tone sounded almost ominous, but I didn't quit. I didn't like being dictated to, especially by him.

"No," I spat. "Not until you tell me what your problem is with me. I didn't do a damn thing to you, Edward. I purposely avoided you all day. You obviously hate me for whatever reason, so I stayed away from you. I didn't want to come here tonight, but Alice begged me, so I came. You show up out of nowhere, and the second some guy asks me to dance, you shoot daggers at me and storm off. You hate me that much that some guy-"

He stalked toward me, making me swallow the words I was speaking before I even finished them. My back hit against hard bark, but I barely had time to realize I backed into a tree before his body was pressed against mine, trapping me.

He was furious, so furious, as he made it clear that "the guy" should not have been touching me. And again, while dealing with him, I averted to stupid and provoked him by telling him the guy could touch me if he wanted.

If I thought he was furious before that point, I was mistaken. The fury amplified, making his eyes a burning flame behind green irises. "Is this a game to you? Do you… Are you fucking enjoying this shit, Bella? What are you trying to do to me? This is messing with my head, but you won't… You're always… Fuck!"

I was trying to understand what he was asking, but I didn't comprehend the meaning behind his questions. I didn't get what he wanted from me, or why he was so angry at me either. I felt like I was being hit with so much at once, and combining that with my own feelings, it left me in a whirlwind of anxiety.

My body was trembling against his, but I couldn't stop it from happening. The way he was looking at me, everything that led up to this point, it was wreaking havoc on my body, and I inadvertently whimpered. I couldn't help the sound from coming out, but the sound was swallowed up by his mouth.

My body went rigid as my brain processed the fact that Edward was kissing me, pretty roughly too. But when his tongue entered my mouth, any fight I may have had against his kiss disappeared. I moaned and wrapped my fingers into his hair, helping pull him closer as his body pressed further against mine.

Edward's mouth and body made the possibility of brain function nearly non-existent. I mean, I wasn't really experienced beyond a few kisses, but it was obvious by the way his mouth worked over mine and the way he was rubbing himself on me that he was. So, like I said, brain function was not easy to grasp, but oh God, could I function mentally enough to realize how hard he was against my stomach.

He suddenly pulled away and took off toward his car. He sped away, leaving me there against that tree, trying to catch my breath and wondering what the hell just happened.

When I was finally coherent enough for my brain to fire a thought, I blinked, my eyes immediately landing on the bottle of alcohol he'd been holding onto.

"Oh, God," I breathed. "How could I let him go and… He was drinking."

I braced myself against the tree and pushed off, hurrying back inside to find Alice. As soon as I found her, I sort of gave her a quick rundown of what happened as I pulled her out the door.

She was putting on her coat as we rushed to my truck. "So let me make sure I have this right. After he got mad at you for whatever reason Edward gets mad, you followed him out here, he kissed you, then left in his car even though he'd been drinking?"

"Yes," I answered as I slammed my truck door and put on my seat belt. "How could he be so stupid? Is he trying to kill himself?"

"No, he wouldn't do that. I know that much. But as far as what he's thinking, one can never tell with Edward."

"I just hope he was going right home and he made it okay."

I had to maneuver my truck around other vehicles before I was able to pull out onto the street, but the moment I did, I drove as quickly as I could toward Alice's.

I drove down the long path of her driveway, hoping his vehicle was there. But when I rounded the corner, not seeing it, my heart plummeted. Where was he?

"He's not here," I choked out.

Alice grabbed her bag, and opened the passenger door as soon as I stopped. "I need to go tell my Dad. He'll want to go look for him."

"I'll start searching, but I'll text you if I find him."

"I'll do the same," she promised.

As soon as she entered the house, I started backing up, but slammed on the break the moment Edward's car came barreling around me. I put my truck in gear and opened the door, getting out the same time he did. "Edward, where… Why did you take off like that?"

He slammed his door, never once looking at me as he headed for the house. I called out to him, getting nothing in return.

I sighed heavily, running my fingers down my face in agitation. I climbed back inside my truck, taking out some of my frustration as I slammed the door shut. I reached for my cell, sending Alice a quick text before I headed home.

He's okay, and he's on his way inside. I'm going home.


-OO-OO-


It had been nearly a week since the party, and every day I was blessed with nothing more than Edward's silence. He wouldn't look at me, refused to speak to me, even when he was technically required to for school or work. I tried to be the bigger person and discuss what happened, but I got nothing more than a sneer in response.

I probably should have been thankful, I guess, but I wasn't. Honestly, it was really aggravating. He was aggravating.

All these feelings he opened up within me and the way he was treating me now, it was so tiring. I couldn't say that I actually felt this drained before and right after my transplant. I even went so far as to ask Alice how he was acting at home, and she told me he wasn't any better there. I couldn't help but feel responsible for that, and I didn't even know why I was responsible.

It was obvious he wasn't going to talk to me, so I gave up, other than initiating talk when I had to. Nothing I said or did got any kind of reaction out of him, so I gave up completely. What was the point?

God, he was infuriating.

It wasn't until Wednesday during lunch that I noticed a hint of a reaction out of him. Tyler asked me to a movie on Friday night, and I was going to say no because I already had plans with Alice staying over at my house, but she chimed in with the idea of double dating with her and Jasper. I could actually feel Edward's eyes boring into me while Tyler waited for me to answer. The way he was staring at me, it was making me really uncomfortable, like if I said yes, I'd be cheating on him or something. It was ridiculous because we weren't together or anything – he wouldn't even talk to me. I could do what I wanted to.

I wasn't interested in Tyler that way, but to prove that I could do what I wanted, I nodded, telling Tyler I'd love to go. Edward pushed himself out of his seat and stormed off. I was really getting used to seeing the back of his head as he scurried away these days.

"What's his deal?" Mike asked.

"Who the hell knows?" Rose answered. "Does he need a reason to be-"

"He probably needs some pussy," Emmett cut in.

A vision of him and strawberry blonde attacked my mind, and I felt myself cringe just thinking about them together. Why did he make me feel like this? What was it that made me hang on even though he was so mean? Stupid boy who's always an ass but makes me swoon anyway… and stupid heart making me feel things that I don't want to feel for him. God, why couldn't I find a guy who was less Emo and less a jerk? I thought my heart was the part of me that was damaged, not my brain, but I was seriously reconsidering that as a possibility.

I swallowed back the anxiety and spent the remainder of lunch setting up plans with Tyler, Alice and Jasper.

Through the majority of Biology I was wrapped in discomfort while biting my lip to hold it back. He still refused to look at me, but every little thing he touched managed to connect with the lab table in a slam. I was surprised there was anything left of his side.

Work was a little easier, because he was scheduled off Wednesday and Thursday, so I had a break from his presence, but not from thoughts of him. My brain and I were going to have a serious discussion about taming Edward thoughts later on.

School on Thursday and Friday went in the same fashion as Wednesday, only he wasn't around for lunch.

Working all week also kept the questions my parents would ask about my mood at bay. Because I was busy working, I didn't see Charlie, and Renee spent a good deal of time in the office taking care of whatever she had to in order to run the place.

By last period Friday, I was so ready for a break from the emotional hurricane inspired by Edward Cullen. I was actually looking forward to my double date.

Alice rode home with me with the intention of getting ready at my place. It made sense because she was spending the night. Unfortunately, when we got to my house, we found Charlie all laid up on the couch, sick with the flu.

"I never get sick." He covered his mouth as he coughed. "Alma's in the building all of five minutes, barely enough time to spread her germs in the air, and now I'm here with the flu."

"Sometimes five minutes is all it takes." Renee laughed as she sprayed Lysol in the air.

"Well, I don't care," Charlie grumbled. "I hate being sick, and being sick isn't good for Bella."

Thank God my parents knew that Alice was aware of my surgery, or I may have been mortified at what she thought. But now that she knew, Renee's obsession with Lysol and bleaching the house made sense to her.

"I guess that changes our plans," Alice said.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"Well," she started, a smile creeping up her lips. "It doesn't have to. I mean, we could still go out, and instead of staying here, you could spend the night at my place."

Was she serious? That was, like, the worst idea in the history of ideas. "I don't think so," I protested. "I can't stay at-"

"Sure you can," Renee declared. "You don't need to be around your father while he's sick."

I know I must have been looking at her like she was insane, because clearly she was by agreeing with Alice's crazy idea, but it occurred to me during my assessment of her sanity that she had no idea what had been happening between Edward and me. She knew Edward was Alice's brother, and that was it.

I still attempted to protest, though, but she cut me off. "First, if I can keep you away from someone who's sick, I'm going to do that. It's not good for you, and going to Alice's will help with that. This is about your health, Bella, and if it can be helped, I'll do what I need to. Second, you always stay home. It's school, work and home. Just because your father and I suggested you working at the store to help teach you financial responsibility, didn't mean we also don't want you to be a teenager and do teenage things. "

"But I really don't think it's-"

Renee put her hands on her hips, sighing. "Bella, quit being difficult and go have fun. I can manage your father while you're out with friends." She turned her attention to Alice. "Would it be a problem if Bella spent the weekend at your house?"

"What? No, Mom!"

Oh, my God. What plain of existence was I on right now?

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Alice told her.

"Alright, well, I'd like to speak with your mother to make sure."

"Okay. I'll have her call you when we get to my house," Alice promised.

Renee nodded.

"She'll have fun, Mrs. S," Alice said as she pulled me toward the stairs to go up to my room.

"Just, you know, don't do anything you aren't supposed to… at the movies or elsewhere," Renee called after us.

As soon as we entered my room, I turned around, facing Alice, huffing in anger. "I could hurt you right now, Alice Cullen. Do you have any idea how bad of an idea this is? This night was supposed to be about getting away from your brother, the train wreck, not running head on into that collision. That's exactly what I'm doing if I stay at your house."

She giggled. I stood by my closet, crossing my arms at my chest, pouting. This was so not funny. "Bella, he's working. He had to work at four tonight. He won't even be around, and by the time he is, we'll be locked upstairs in my room. He sleeps in late, so we can leave early Saturday if you want and find something to do. Piece of cake."

I huffed one more time, glaring in her direction, then proceeded to gather my clothing for two - cue sarcasm here - fun-filled days at Alice's. I also knew that to stay those two days, Esme would have to be told about my surgery. I wasn't thrilled about that either.

After I got everything I'd need, Renee saw us out. I promised to at least text her before I went to bed, then headed to Alice's.

I was hoping Esme would say no to my staying, but that was a lost cause the moment we entered the door and Alice proceeded to tell her why I needed to stay those two days. Esme agreed to call Renee while Alice and I got ready in her room.

I ended up wearing a shirt similar to the one Alice leant me the night of Emmett's birthday party and a pair of faded jeans. Alice fixed up my hair and make-up. By the time we finished getting ready, the guys had just arrived.

Tyler gestured with his hands, smiling. "Wow, Bella… You look great."

"Thanks," I smiled back, blushing.

Jasper gave Alice a quick kiss of appreciation, causing her to giggle, then asked, "Everyone ready to go?"

Alice nodded, taking Jasper's hand. Tyler and I let them lead since we were all riding in Jasper's car. He walked me to the passenger side, keeping his hand on the small of my back. It felt off, wrong even, but I kept quiet and let him open my door for me and help me inside.

We ended up dining at Smuggler's Landing Restaurant in Port Angeles, which was mostly filled with Jasper/Alice making out and awkward conversation between Tyler and me, before heading to the movie theater.

"What do you wanna see?" Tyler whispered in my ear while we stood in line for our tickets.

I turned my head, practically coming nose to nose with him. "Oh, I don't really have a-"

"Oh, my God," Alice squealed, cutting me off. Tyler and I both turned to see what she was going on about. "Love Spelled Backwards is Love is playing. We have got to see that."

Of course, what Alice wanted Alice got.

"I guess that's what we're seeing," I laughed.

Alice and I ended up finding seats while the guys went for refreshments.

"You having fun?" she asked as we took seats toward the back of the theater.

"Yeah, sure."

She angled toward me, wearing a doubtful expression. "Why do I think you're fibbing?"

I laughed. "Fibbing? I'm not fibbing. Tyler's a nice guy."

"Yeah," she agreed. "He's a nice guy, but you're still not into him."

"I… well, I…" I was stammering my words. "That's not true. He's a nice guy."

"You already said that," she chuckled. She glanced over my shoulder, signaling with her hands before I had a chance to respond. "They're coming."

She sat back in her seat, and I faced Tyler, taking my soda when he handed it to me. "I didn't know what you'd want, so I just bought some popcorn, but if you want-"

"No, popcorn's great," I replied.

I sat there for nearly two hours, watching a mushy movie that was horribly scripted with a nice guy that was very cute, made sure I didn't run out of popcorn, smiled at me when I caught him looking at me and was a complete gentleman the entire time. The problem was, even after all that, the chemistry between us still wasn't there.

As soon as we made it back to Alice's, he opened my door for me, offering me a hand out of the car. "Well, I had a good time, Bella. We should do this again."

He leaned forward, obviously to kiss me, and though he was a nice guy, kissing him didn't feel right. I immediately reached for his hand, stopping him mid lean, and shook it like a crazy person. It was the only thing I could think to stop him from kissing me, other than turning my head and having him kiss my cheek. I'm sure that would have embarrassed him, so rather than having that happen, I chose to embarrass myself.

"Yeah, it was great, Tyler. Thanks for dinner and the movie." I continued shaking his hand.

He glanced down at our moving hands, shaking his head as his forehead creased, then looked back up at my face, baffled at the way I was acting. "Uh… Yeah, you're welcome."

"Okay, well, goodnight." I dropped his hand and turned on my heels, walking toward the door.

"Did you seriously just shake his hand and leave him standing there?" Alice asked behind me.

I turned around and faced her when I made it to the door, holding up my hands to stop her from saying anything further, making a disgusted face. "Please don't ask. I just… I just wanna go to bed and try to sleep off the fact that I'm an idiot."

She smiled broadly, but didn't say anything more as she opened the door.

I was pretty exhausted by the time I changed into my sweatshirt and pajama shorts, took my pill, text Renee, brushed my teeth and settled into Alice's guest bed, pulling the blankets up to my neck and closing my eyes.

"Do you normally sleep with a sweatshirt and shorts?" Alice asked.

"Not usually. I normally sleep in a tank-shirt and shorts because I seem to overheat while I'm sleeping, but I didn't wanna do that-"

"I understand. You wanna watch a movie before we go to bed?"

"I think I'm all movied out tonight, Alice." I hid my sarcasm with a yawn.

"Okay. Well, goodnight, Bella." I could hear the disappointment in her voice, but I was too tired to try to appease her.

I yawned again. "Goodnight, Alice."


-OO-OO-


I sat up, gasping for air while my eyes tried to focus my surroundings in the dark. It took me a moment to remember where I was, especially when I heard soft snoring to the right of me that I didn't recognize. It was only after I realized that I was at Alice's that I was able to start relaxing. Having a nightmare about killer, ankle-biting Oompa-Loompas stalking you in a warehouse of horrors is never ideal, but even more so when you aren't in your own bed. Creepy, little orange dudes.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and threw the blanket off my body, chuckling under my breath as I glanced at the alarm clock, seeing it was just after one in the morning. Seriously, who dreams about killer Oompa-Loompas?

I got up, heading into Alice's bathroom. My mouth felt dry, but there wasn't a cup in there, so I finished up, washed my hands and tried waking Alice to see if she'd go downstairs with me. I said her name a few times, my voice rising a little louder each time, but she continued snoring away.

Jesus, Bella, you can handle getting your own water. It's not like little orange guys are going to jump out from underneath the counter and bite your ankles to death.

I laughed again, but covered my mouth to conceal the sound when I opened Alice's bedroom door and stepped into the hallway.

It was dimly lit throughout the house, so I proceeded down the hall and stairs with caution, because even in dim light I would manage to break something. I stubbed my toe when I made it to the bottom step, and I had to, with great effort, bite back a groan and outpour of cursing. I practically hobbled into the kitchen toward the refrigerator. Of course, if there were killer Oompa-Loompas loose, my poor ankles would be in trouble now that I was wounded.

I wanted to smack my forehead at the thought because the stupidity my brain seemed to dive into lately was seriously making me delusional.

I quickly grabbed a bottle of water and hobbled back toward the stairs, moving up them leisurely to save myself from any further injury. I was just rounding the corner from the top step when I ran smack dab into another body.

I went to scream on instinct, but a hand clamped over my mouth. I scrunched my eyes together, then opened them, blinking rapidly as the face the hand belonged to came into focus. He leaned in so that I could no longer see his face, his warm breath caressing the shell of my ear as he spoke. "Shhh… You wouldn't want to wake the others and shit, would you?"

Edward stepped back, but was still standing so close I could feel the heat of his body. I stared up at him, feeling my heart thunder in my chest from the adrenaline running through my system. The moment I shook my head, he dropped his hand from my mouth.

"What are you doing out here, Bella?" His tone was flat. "You shouldn't be out here… Not right now."

"Water," I blurted out. "I… uh… needed water."

I pushed myself further against the wall, hoping to move around him somehow, but all it earned me was a smirk from him.

"Alice's room," I practically whimpered. "I'm… going there."

I wanted to move, but my legs felt cemented down. What was wrong with me?

He took a step closer, his eyes searing mine with his vigorous stare. "Did you have fun on your date?" He practically spat out the word 'date'.

I bit my lip as I swallowed loudly, causing his eyes to lower to my mouth. "Yes."

"Is that so?" The intense way he was looking and speaking was too much. It was like he was a different person.

"Yes," I breathed.

Oh God, he was too close now. I was feeling his touch and his words everywhere.

"Did he kiss you, Bella?"

"What?" I squeaked.

"It's a simple yes or no answer." Was he really asking me about Tyler kissing me?

I was trying to put up that last bit of fight, but my words still came out weak. "It's really none of your-"

"Business?" he finished. "Oh, but it is." His body was flush against mine now. "You shouldn't be out here, Bella. Not when you're in my head, and I'm trying to…" he paused, grinding his teeth together. "Oh, fuck it."

His arms wrapped around my waist the exact moment his mouth was on mine. "Don't let me," he pleaded against my lips.

It was already too late. I had no fight left in me.

CF - Chapter Six: Just Go

Chapter 6: Just Go

"Just Go"

I feel so alone

From all I've become

I'll take you down

I'll feel so down

I'm water while you drown

You're lifted while I'm down

I'm cancer in your womb

I'm the needle in your spoon, but...

I haven't been here long enough to know

Everytime I feel this I just lose control

Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful

I wish that this would just go, go

I ran my hands roughly through my hair, practically yanking it out from the roots as I stormed through the store, gritting my teeth and growling under my breath while taking my anger out on the hard floor with heavy steps.

People in the vicinity of me steered clear. No one bothered to speak to me - not that anyone tried much anyway - and that was exactly how I liked it, but my temper more than showed I was not in the mood to be fucked with. I was angry, and the anger I felt ignited further the more I tried to figure shit out.

What the fuck just happened back there?

What did she think she was trying to prove?

Bella was fucking with my head in ways I couldn't understand, and it was beyond frustrating because I had parts of me warring with each other over whatever the hell this was that was going on inside me now. I was rubbing all up on her face with mine, nearly kissing her because I couldn't seem to control myself around her. I could blame my dick for that, because my dick really seemed to like her even when I didn't, but that was affection I didn't give anyone, and that had me twisted up inside. I didn't do affection.

I was trying to tell myself it was simply about getting in her pants, that it wasn't anything more than that because I didn't give a damn about her. The thing was, I'd desired other girls, but it had never been this intense, and I had never had to deal with feeling something other than the desire to stick my dick in them. Maybe if I just fucked the hell out of her like I had them, conquered her in the way I needed to, I'd be able to move on and not feel so restrained by her.

The fact that she was able to affect me at all highly pissed me off. I put up walls, barricaded my emotions so I wouldn't feel any kind of attachment to anyone. I didn't need that shit; I didn't need to feel for anyone again, but she was making me fucking feel. It was all these things, wrapping me up, coiling around me, and it was suffocating the hell out of me.

I hated her and wanted her at the same time. But this want, it was driving me crazy insane. I'd never wanted like this before. I wanted to use her body in ways she couldn't even dream of, fuck the pain right out of our hearts, but for some reason, I couldn't figure out. I didn't want to just fuck her; I wanted to consume her. She made me feel so goddamn primal that all I wanted to do was mark every part of her, inside and out, to the point that no matter how hard she tried to forget, I'd always be inside her fucking head like she was mine. Feeling any of this shit was not okay, and I just wanted to get away from her.

I reached Paula's office, knocking loudly against the metal door. She had to fix this, and she had to do it now, because working directly with Bella was not going to fucking happen any longer.

She opened the door, eyes narrowing as soon as she realized it was me. I was in the mood for her shit even less than usual right now, but I'd deal with it if she'd put Bella with someone else, preferably on the other side of the store where I couldn't see her.

She chomped her gum, staring at me as if I were a fucking bug she wanted to squash.

The feeling is mutual, bitch.

I knew she hated me more than anyone else, I knew I was an asshole, but I didn't try to hide that shit. It was who I was, who I needed to be. Paula was a kiss-ass to the owners, acting all kind and like she gave a damn in their presence, but that bitch's multiple personality came out when they weren't around.

When she finally spoke, her tone matched her icy stare. "What do you want, Edward?"

"I got a problem I need fixed," I said curtly.

She smiled smugly, like knowing I had a problem was the highlight of her fucking existence. "And what exactly is this problem you need fixed, Edward?"

"Bella," I answered.

Her eyebrows lifted in question, and I waited for her to move out of the fucking way so I could go inside the office. I really didn't want to do this shit where others could hear and know my business, but she didn't move.

"What about Bella?"

"We can't work together," I stated, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. It was pretty fucking obvious to me.

"And why is that?" She turned around briefly as the phone rang.

"How much time you got, because the list is long?" I muttered.

Her head snapped back in my direction, and she looked pissed. "What was that?"

I bit back a shitty response, which wasn't fucking easy to do, before answering her. "Look, Paula, we don't get along, alright? I did what you asked me to, I started training her, but it's just not working out. She's…. difficult."

She laughed. "I see. Let me see if I got this right, okay? Basically, she doesn't bow down to you, so she's difficult. Is that about right? Are you saying you can't handle one girl?"

What the fuck? Was she questioning my masculinity and shit? "That's not what I fucking said. I said she was difficult and we didn't like each other; I didn't say I couldn't handle her. Get your facts right."

Her eyes narrowed in tight slits as she glared at me. "First, watch how you talk to me. You seem to forget I don't have to keep you here. You're walking a fine line, Edward, and I've just about had my fill of you. Please, give me a reason to fire you. You know what happens then." I started to open my mouth, because that's just what I fucking did, but she held up her hand to stop me. "Second, if you can handle her like you claim, why are you outside my office?"

"I thought that shit was obvious, Paula." Her mouth slammed shut, the fact that I cussed at her again pissing her off further. She ground her teeth together, her face turning beet red with anger, so I gave her the smile I knew made a bitch wet. I could see that shit worked too the moment she blushed. "I was trying to be a good employee and all by coming to you before shi… stuff happened. So could you take care of it?"

She blinked a few times, shaking her head before looking away. "I'm not moving her with someone else. In fact, I'm considering extending her training another couple days."

The anger I'd been holding back bubbled over, and I didn't care about holding back anymore. I was so pissed, I wanted to hit something. I needed to fucking get away from Bella. Did she not get that shit? "You can't fucking do that," I spat.

"Excuse me?" she growled. "I can and will if that is what I choose to do." She stepped forward, so close that I could smell her nasty ass breath. She licked her lips, staring at my mouth before her eyes met mine. "Deal with it, Edward. You are here to do a job, and believe me, that's not by my choice. You messed up, and that's why you're here. You will continue to work with Bella, and if you have a problem with that, you can quit. Remember, working here is much easier than what it could have been."

I fisted my hands at my sides, fighting the urge to punch something. I could taste the rage, and she enjoyed deliberately fueling the anger. That bitch made sure to throw the reason I was here in my face every chance she got. She enjoyed pissing me off. It was like foreplay to her, because everyone here knew she wanted my dick. It was the only reason she hadn't already fired me. I think she actually believed that if she pissed me off enough, I'd throw her up against a wall and fuck her one day. That shit was never gonna happen.

As much as I wanted to say something to tear her down, it wouldn't change a damn thing other than getting me fired or turning her on. I could quit or get my ass fired, but then I'd end up in Juvie. I wasn't about to end up in that place.

I turned around, grating my teeth together, raging inside. As I moved down the stairs, I passed Tanya. "You look like you need to meet me in back," she breathed.

I was not in the fucking mood, even for head. "Not now, Tanya," I growled.

I moved past her, heading toward Housewares. Bella was already standing there, shifting her weight on her feet. "Edward, I-"

I held up my hand. I couldn't do this with her, not now. Hearing her voice was already making me lose my shit. "Just do your fucking job, Bella. Okay?"

She sighed loudly beside me, but didn't say anything else. We didn't speak, didn't look at each other the rest of the evening. That is, until we were leaving. She was parked across the lot, heading toward her piece of shit truck.

I watched her walk the distance and climb inside, feeling myself come apart more as she left. I didn't understand this shit, and it was completely tiring feeling all these things that made no sense, but I didn't like the way it looked when she walked away.

When I got home, everyone was asleep but Alice. She was sitting on the couch in the living room, watching some fucking modeling show she had on Tivo. As soon as she saw me, she stiffened. I should have been used it; it was something she always did when she saw me, but I didn't want to deal with it tonight.

I could have gone up to my room and gotten out the bottle of Patron – which was sounding really fucking good to me right now – but then I'd be alone, and I'd be able to think about shit I didn't want to think about until the alcohol kicked in. When it wasn't my mom, it was Bella.

So I did something I never did, because I needed a distraction, I sat down on the other end of the couch and watched that dumbass modeling show with Alice. Yeah, the chicks were pretty hot, but some of them weren't that bright.

"How do you watch this shit?"

I asked the question aloud before I realized I even opened my mouth. It wasn't really meant for her to hear, but once the question hit the air, I knew it would be taken for more than it was, like an open invitation to have a conversation.

Alice gasped, like me speaking to her was a phenomenon. I knew I was to blame for that, but I couldn't listen to the pity, or how much they wanted to help put me back together, and I couldn't let myself fucking care anymore, because if I lost someone else I loved, I'd…

"I… uh… like it," she finally whispered.

I don't know what compelled me to look at her - maybe it was how tiny and unsure she sounded - but I turned my head and glanced right at her. I hadn't really looked at Alice in a long time, I didn't have a need to, but she looked small, smaller than I remembered.

It wasn't about her actual size, because she was really fucking tiny, but her personality was always bigger than her little body. Sometimes, I thought it was too big. You could see that shit when you looked at her. But this Alice sitting next to me? I couldn't see that big personality anymore.

She was uncomfortable. I could see it in the way she sat there all rigid, keeping her eyes focused on the T.V. I knew it was me who did that to her. Everyone tiptoed around me, waiting for me to just fucking lash out or break down. I didn't talk to them, I never made any efforts, and I think it affected Alice more because we'd always been close. I used to take care of her when I came to visit every summer. A lot of shit was different when my mom was alive.

She thought I hated her, hated all of them. I know she did. But it had nothing to do with me hating them and everything to do with what would happen if I let them in. If I could hold them at arm's length, it wouldn't be so bad when they were gone, because it was only a matter of time when the world decided to fucking swallow them up, too.

In another life, I could have sat here and talked to her about this show I clearly didn't give a shit about, all because it was what she liked and it made her smile. I could have told my sister I loved her. I would have meant it, too. But that life where we could share that shit wasn't this fucked up one. This right here? This emptiness that had become my existence? This was reality.

Things were starting to get personal inside my head, even down here watching this bullshit T.V. show, and I was ready to just cut it all off with some alcohol. I needed the burn it caused down my throat to invade my whole body and just fucking melt away everything but the numbness.

I didn't say anything as I stood up and moved around the couch toward the stairs.

"Edward… Can I-"

I cut her off, even though I knew she'd been struggling to decide whether or not she should speak to me. But I also knew exactly what she'd say. "I know what you're going to say, Alice, but don't. I'm going to bed."

I was trying not to be shitty. I was really trying because I knew she was hurting, but up until recently, it wouldn't have mattered so much because I needed her to feel that pain so she wouldn't try to reach out to me. The thing was, a lot of feelings, or whatever the fuck you wanted to call them, were going on inside me, mixing me all up, and this ache I was feeling right now… It was a new kind of ache. I felt this slight grip in my chest upon seeing Alice hurt.

This shit didn't start until Bella. She did something. She opened me up somehow, left a gaping wound so that all those things I was hiding from could seep in and attack me emotionally. I don't even know what she did, how she managed to do it at all, but I didn't want it. I didn't want to fucking feel anything but the pain that reminded me of how I failed the one person who never failed me. Not being home when I should have cost my mother her life. It was my fucking fault.

I moved toward the stairs, placing one foot on the bottom step and stilling the moment I heard her trembling voice.

"I don't feel sorry for you," she whispered. She thought I was already gone. I wasn't. "I just miss my brother. I know he's in there somewhere, and I wish he'd come home."

I heard the shuddered breath, and then I heard her soft cries, no doubt for the guy I used to be, as I made my way up to my room.

I locked the door as soon as I shut it behind me. I didn't bother changing out of my clothes because I was too fucking exhausted, so I just dropped backward on my bed, grabbing the Patron from between the mattress and box springs.

"Do what you do," I mumbled, tipping the bottle back and taking a large swig. "Make this shit go away."

"Please," she breathed, her naked chest rising and falling with each heavy breath. "I can't wait any longer."

I smirked down at her. Fuck, she was beautiful. "I knew you wanted this shit as much as me."

I leaned down, sucking one of her nipples into my mouth as I ran my hands down the sides of her warm body, kneading her soft skin with my fingertips as I grazed my teeth over the sensitive flesh. She moaned loudly, bucking her hips up into me and rubbing that pussy against my dick. I'd never hated boxers so goddamn much in all my life.

I ground myself into her, wishing I'd just gone commando and there was no fucking barrier between us so I could bury myself inside her. I'd never wanted to fuck someone so much in all my life. I wanted to feel her all around me, tight and warm. I wanted to consume every inch of her and make her mine.

"You want this, Bella?" I ground my dick into her again. She was so wet, I could feel her through my boxers. "Tell me you fucking want this, and I'll give it to you."

She gripped the waistband of my boxers with shaky fingers and began yanking them down. "I want you… please."

I finished pushing them off with my feet, not wanting to move my body away from the warmth of hers. I kissed and licked my way over her collarbone, tasting her skin as her tiny body began writhing underneath mine. Her skin felt so good against mine. I grazed my teeth over the skin of her neck, nipping with my lips as I traveled over her jaw bone to her lips.

I pressed my lips hard against hers, pushing my tongue into her mouth. She tasted so much better than I imagined she would; so fucking sweet. Just like that strawberry shit she used.

"Please, Edward," she pleaded while wrapping her legs around my waist. "I want you inside me."

I liked the way she was begging for my cock, all needy and shit, just like she made me feel every day. I wanted her to beg some more, get her good and worked up before I pushed my way inside her, but she wrapped her legs tighter around me, pulling me even closer and began grinding herself on me.

I could feel her, hot and wet as my dick slid along her slick lips. She was pleading with me to fuck her, and God, how I wanted to fuck her. I was the needy one now, wanting inside her so damn bad I ached all over my body from the need. Any other time, I would have wanted to taste between her legs before I got inside that pussy, but not today.

"God, Bella, I fucking want you."

"Oh, please," she pleaded again.

I didn't want to wait any longer. I'd waited long enough to get inside her, and I felt like I'd go insane if I waited any longer. I grabbed my dick in my hand and circled the tip around her clit before positioning at her opening, then pushing inside her, groaning when wet heat and tightness surrounded me.

"Shit," I ground out. She had me so wound up, wanting her so damn bad, I had to stop briefly and relax myself before I completely thrust inside her.

I knew it would feel good once I finally got inside her, but I never expected her to feel this good. I'd fucked before, felt the pleasure of being inside a girl's pussy, but what I felt while being inside Bella was more intense than I ever expected. I didn't know if it was because I'd wanted her so damn much and fought it and that's why she felt so goddamn good, but I knew this was different from any other time I'd had sex.

Whatever the reason, I was just going to enjoy the shit. I started working my hips nice and slow. I didn't want to rush; I just wanted to enjoy the way she felt.

She was lifting her hips to meet mine, trying to force me to move quicker within her.

"I need more," she breathed.

And I wanted to give her more. I wanted to bury myself so deep inside her she'd never forget that anyone but me could make her feel this way. She'd never want anyone but me inside her.

I thrust into her a little harder just to tease her, because I knew it still wasn't enough. "You want more?"

She licked her lips and closed her eyes at the precise moment I pushed roughly into her. "God, Yes."

I didn't want her eyes closed. I wanted those brown eyes that spoke so much, that held so much fucking passion, looking right at me, seeing my face, knowing I was the one making her come apart underneath me.

"Open your eyes and say it," I ordered, thrusting harder. "Say you want more."

Her eyes met mine. "I… Oh, God… want more."

I reached for both her hands, not slowing the pace of my hips, and pushed them above her head, entwining our fingers.

"Only me, Bella." I punctuated each word with a hard thrust. "Only my cock can make you feel this way."

"Only you," she moaned.

Those two words made me feel so fucking elated, so animalistic and desperate to claim her more, that I began pounding into her tiny body, claiming every inch of her, inside and out. I was touching places no one ever had, marking her like she had me.

She was moaning and whimpering, her sounds growing louder as the slapping of our skin increased. She felt so good, I never wanted it to end, but I was too far gone to stop or slow down now. I could feel the tightening in my stomach, my orgasm approaching quick.

"I want to feel you come, Bella. Please come for me."

Her muscles began tightening around me, her mouth opened and a loud buzzing took the place of moans.

The noise grew louder, replacing her, replacing what we were doing.

The echo of the alarm jolted me awake, and my eyes shot open while my ears attempted to crawl inside my fucking head at the sound. I groaned as I slammed my fist against it to turn it off, wincing at the sound of my hand connecting with the alarm because my head hurt. I rolled from my side to my back, then ran my hands roughly over my face, coating my palms with the sweat that covered my skin.

"Fuck," I growled.

My heard hurt so damn bad, but the fact that my dick was so hard to the point it hurt pretty much distracted me from the pain my head was in.

I sat up slowly, the throbbing in my head making me feel nauseous and lightheaded. I reached for the Aspirin on my nightstand, took out three, and swallowed them down dry.

I stood up from the bed, stripping off my clothes, and headed into my bathroom. I would have preferred to stay home, whack off in bed and nurse my hangover, but Esme wouldn't let that shit happen. So I walked over to the shower, my dick aching with every step I took, and pulled the shower curtain back and reached for the handles.

I got the shower going and climbed inside. I knew I couldn't go to school with a hard-on, and there wasn't pussy anywhere close by - not the pussy I obviously wanted, anyway - so my hand would have to do.

I stood under the warm spray, letting the water zigzag little trails down my body. I would have normally washed up before whacking off, but at this point, my dick was throbbing too painfully to wait. I lathered the body wash in my hands, making sure there was enough coating my palms, and reached down, grabbing my dick in my hands.

I hated that she made me resort to this shit. I hated that she got inside my head, not only invading my thoughts, but invading my dreams as well. She wasn't supposed to be inside my head at all, but there she was, squirming underneath me, taking everything I had to give her. She was enjoying it too. I was punishing her with each thrust. Hating and wanting the way she made me fucking desperate to just own her body.

The harder I pushed inside her within my head, the tighter I gripped myself and pumped up and down my shaft. I was already teetering on the edge, so it didn't take long before my body locked down and my knees nearly buckled underneath me as I came.

"Bella," I groaned, slapping my free hand against the hard tile. It was too much and not enough. I said her name, not really intending to. It wasn't like she could hear that shit anyway, but it just came out.

I braced myself against the cold wall, using it to hold me upright until my body calmed and I could steady myself again on my legs.

"Why?" I growled under my breath, slamming my palm against the tile again, this time in anger. My body was still hypersensitive from coming, but the anger started rolling in. "Why can't you just go? Why did you have to come here and fuck with my head? You don't even know what you're doing, do you?"

She couldn't hear what I was saying, I knew that, but I couldn't stop myself from asking the questions I wanted the fucking answers to.

Instead, they'd go unanswered, and this shit would continue if I didn't do something about it. I needed to get her out of my head. I needed to make myself believe she didn't exist somehow. Kind of like that out of sight, out of mind bullshit. It was probably useless, but I was willing to try anything to stop feeling like this. The only bright side to this fucked up day was that my headache was going away. That was about it.

I washed my hair and body, being careful when I reached my still sensitive dick. After finishing up in the shower, I dressed in a pair of faded jeans and green sweatshirt, then slipped on my converse and headed downstairs.

Esme was sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book while drinking coffee. "Good morning," she said.

"Yeah," I answered back, not really thinking before I opened my mouth.

She glanced up from the book, staring at me curiously, then lowered her eyes again. She didn't say shit - I was relieved by that - but I caught the soft smile on her face as I started for the door. I had answered her and it was unintentional, but that smile was one of hope, and even though that wasn't what I intended, the fact that it happened still made me feel like I was betraying my mom.

"Have a good day at school, Edward."

This time, I didn't answer back.

First period was a fucking bore. I hated Calculus, even though I knew it well. I wasn't a dumb fuck; I was smart, but I really didn't care to try. What was the point? It's not like that shit protected you in the real world when someone put a bullet in you or stabbed you to death.

I sat there, drawing shit on my notepad. It wasn't anything specific, and it wasn't what I'd rather be doing right that second, but it was better than listening to Mr. Varner ramble on about limits, functions, derivatives, integrals and infinite series. It also kept my mind off other things.

"So, are you going or what?"

I glanced up from my notebook, meeting Bree's hopeful eyes. I hadn't even realized she was talking to me. "Going where?"

She rolled her eyes. "To Emmett's birthday party tonight. Didn't he tell you about it?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, I knew about it, but I hadn't decided if I was going."

"The adults are gone for the weekend, so they won't be around. You should really come." She smiled sheepishly, biting into her bottom lip.

I didn't want her, and having sex with her had only ever been about a form of relief I knew I didn't deserve, but maybe hooking up with her now might just be what I needed to get this shit with Bella out of my head. I leaned forward, grinning as I roamed her body with my eyes. "Maybe I'll be there after work, then."

She went to say something else, but turned around as soon as Varner called her out for talking during class. I went back to drawing in my notebook until class was over.

I was dreading second period because I shared that class with Bella. Just because I didn't want to fucking acknowledge her, didn't mean I wouldn't have to somehow.

Emmett and Jasper met me at my locker. I was on edge, and I tried to hide it, but Jasper somehow saw right through me. That fucker had a way of reading people's emotions.

"Dude, what's up? You look like someone pissed in your cheerios or something."

"I'm fine," I told him. "I just didn't get much sleep."

"What, did Bree keep you up again last night?" he teased.

"Fuck off, Jasper," I growled. "It had nothing to do with Bree. I just couldn't sleep."

"Right," he laughed.

I flipped him off as we entered class, but even the shit he was saying didn't stop my eyes from averting away from the back of his head to Bella's seat. She wasn't sitting there, though. I wondered for a second where she was, then shook my head, asking myself why I should care. She was probably running late, anyway.

I took my seat, throwing my book on the desk, and leaned back. I figured that when she walked in the door, I'd go back to the plan of acting like she didn't exist. It seemed pretty plausible to me. But the bell rang, and she never walked through that door, so the whole pretending she didn't exist went right out the window because I immediately wondered where she was. She was fine last night.

So I sat there through class, zoning everything out but the thoughts inside my head. I would have zoned them out too, but I couldn't seem to escape them. I didn't want to admit it, but I wanted to know where she was. She didn't seem like the type to just miss school, so if she missed, there had to be a good reason, right?

Could she be sick? Maybe she had the flu.

I felt an ache in my chest just thinking of her lying in bed, hurting all over while the flu attacked her insides. I didn't like seeing that shit in my head at all. I immediately got angry, and I realized I was becoming irrational, wanting to kill some motherfucking flu that I didn't even know she had or not.

I was tapping my fingers against the desk, looking back and forth between my hands and her desk. I'd glance up at the clock and huff under my breath whenever I realized there was still a lot of class time left.

People were getting agitated with me, I was disrupting their focus, but I couldn't seem to reign the shit in. I should be thrilled she wasn't around to torment me, but I wasn't. I was antsy, wanting to know where she was, and aggravated because I did want to know and couldn't stop the curiosity. The problem was, I wouldn't find out, and that just made shit worse. It's not like I could run around asking people.

Emmett finally turned to me, pointing to my hands and mouthed, "What the fuck, Edward?"

I shook my head, running my fingers through my hair. The moment the bell rang, I flew up out of my seat, moving toward the hallway. I didn't normally walk past her locker, but I made my way toward it now. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but the second her locker came into view, I saw her standing next to it, coat still on, talking to Alice.

She didn't look sick, but I was still interested in knowing where she'd been. I passed her, keeping my eyes ahead of me, but heard her tell Alice she'd been at a doctor's appointment, and that was why she'd missed morning classes. It should have been enough to know where she'd been, but it wasn't.

And that was why I decided during my last two classes before lunch that I was not going to be in that lunch room with her. Sitting and hashing shit in my brain about her was not conducive to forgetting her. It was anything but that. I needed to get grip and I needed to do it right then, because this was driving me goddamn insane.

So I sat in my car, preparing myself for Biology… with some weed. I didn't normally do the shit, but I needed the calm it gave. It helped clear my head so I was able to get myself together. I was gonna go in there, I was gonna sit at my lab table, and I was going to act as if she'd never clawed her way inside my head.

The warning bell rang, so I got out of my car and made my way to class. She wasn't in there yet, so I strolled over to the lab table, infinitely more relaxed now that I was high. I actually laughed to myself, confident I'd make it through without being affected by her.

The bell rang and she wasn't in class yet, but at this point I didn't care. I reached for my book and accidently knocked my pencil to the ground.

As I reached for it, I heard Bella's voice, and my body instantly froze. "I'm sorry, Mr. Banner. I forgot my book in my truck, so I had to run out and get it. I didn't have time to go to my locker and hang my-"

"Just hang it up there and go to your seat, Bella."

I forced myself to regroup and gripped my pencil tightly in my hand, nearly losing my fucking shit and coming right in my pants the moment I saw her.

She was hanging her coat on the rack near the door, her hair wet from being outside, and the action caused her sweatshirt to pull up from the bottom, showing a bit of her stomach. Her jeans were fucking tight around her ass, and I just wanted to grab it with both my hands and squeeze roughly, maybe bite it or lick it. At the very least, I wanted to smack it. I wondered if she liked that shit.

That about did me in… yeah, I was really damn hard, but as my eyes traveled up, stopping when I noticed the word 'juicy' that was not only on her fucking sleeve, but also on the back of the sweatshirt, I think I actually groaned out loud because several people turned around, looking at me strangely.

I didn't think I was going to make it through this class without throwing her on the desk and fucking her.

I was attempting to adjust myself in my seat and not openly gape at her like she was a piece of meat I wanted to devour, but that was pretty much what it was… me wanting to devour her. She sat down beside me, not even looking at me, but it didn't matter. I was too far gone to care.

Her wet hair made the strawberry scent that much more potent as it hit me, and I closed my eyes, practically tasting her on my lips. Climbing under the table and putting my face between her legs was looking really appealing right about now.

I was on the verge of snapping, that damn dream replaying in my head as I stared at her, and I swear to God… If she looked at me, I was not going to be able to stop myself.

I couldn't concentrate on anything but the smell of her, imagining what it would feel like being pressed up against her right now and how she'd look writhing underneath me. I could hear Mr. Banner talking, but it was just a slew of words all running together that made no sense to my brain.

She never looked at me. She just sighed a few times, which my dick mistook for moans. I didn't get this shit… at all. I never wanted someone the way I wanted her, and I didn't know why. But God, did I want her.

It wasn't until she stood up that I realized class was over. I didn't even hear the bell. I watched her leave. Well, more like watched her ass, but whatever.

I was still so damn hard to the point it was uncomfortable to move. I had to walk to Spanish with my book covering my aching dick and a frown on my face because there was nothing I could do about it.

That was the longest, most painful hour of my life.

As soon as I got home from school, I immediately went up to my room and whacked off… twice. I lay on my bed for awhile, listening to music, sated but not completely. It was enough that I was no longer in pain.

I ended up falling asleep for a couple hours, luckily not having to work. Paula had called, saying she switched days between Quil and I because of his wife being pregnant and shit, so they had some classes to go to. This time while I slept, my dream centered around my seventh birthday, the day my mom was finally able to give me that bike she'd wanted to for so long. I remembered her smile, the way her green eyes lit up when she saw me jump up and down the minute she revealed it to me. That was a good day.

I sat up, wiping the sweat off my forehead and thankful I wasn't sporting another hard-on, then headed downstairs for dinner. I was pretty fucking ravenous now that I'd come twice and had been high earlier in the day. Thankfully, Esme already had dinner ready. I grabbed me a big helping of spaghetti and sat down, practically shoveling the shit in my mouth.

Esme came walking in the kitchen, reaching for something under the sink, then glanced at me, her mouth dropping open when she saw the amount of food on my plate.

"Save some for your father," she teased as she walked out of the kitchen. She wouldn't eat until my dad got home.

I just shrugged my shoulders and continued eating. I noticed Alice wasn't home, so I figured she was out with Jasper. They'd probably make a guest appearance at Emmett's later.

After a second helping, I rinsed my plate off and stuck it in the sink. I started for the stairs, heading up to my room to change so I could head over to Emmett's. I wasn't looking forward to being around everyone, but I at least had the prospect of getting some pussy to look forward to if I went. I wouldn't normally give a shit, and it wasn't that great, but after the day I had, I figured I was entitled. It was definitely better than using my hand.

I made it to the second floor and was hit with a wave of fucking strawberry essence sent straight from hell right to my dick. Esme was pouring this powdered shit on the carpet that smelled just like Bella as she vacuumed. I was instantly hard. She'd never used it before, so I couldn't help but wonder if they secretly got together and bought the shit to fuck with me.

Needless to say, I hopped in the shower, whacking off for a third time before I got ready and left for Emmett's.

I had to park in the grass when I got to his house because there were quite a few cars lined up in the driveway. I was halfway to the door when I heard my name being called. It was dark, but I didn't have to see who it was to recognize the voice as Mike Newton's.

"Cullen, I didn't know your ass was coming tonight."

"Yeah, well, I had nothing else to do tonight," I replied.

He laughed. "Plenty of alcohol inside, so enjoy yourself, man. We'll be in once we're done smoking."

He didn't have to say a name for me to know he was talking about Tyler. Mike and Tyler were the biggest stoners in school. That's where I got my shit from when I had the occasional urge to get high.

I could hear the music before I opened the backdoor, but it was blaringly loud when I walked inside. There were fucking people everywhere. Emmett usually had a big bash going for his birthday, but the amount of people seemed to increase every year.

I pushed through the crowd of people, already knowing Emmett was in the kitchen with some of the other guys, playing beer bong. The minute he saw me, he got this big fucking grin on his face. "Well, look who decided to grace us with his fucking presence. I didn't think you were coming. Did you just get off work?"

He glanced at some guy I didn't recognize and told him to get me a beer. I grabbed it as soon as he handed it to me, popping the tab and taking a swig before I answered him. "Didn't have to work tonight."

"And you're just now getting here?" he asked.

Emmett was a good guy and the only other person besides Jasper that I really spoke to, but that didn't mean we were best buds and I shared my life story with him. The same rules applied with making friends.

I took another drink of my beer. "I had shit to do." He just stared at me, and that was making me uncomfortable, so I pointed to the beer bong, saying, "We gonna do this or what?"

I didn't wanna talk, didn't wanna do anything but drink and possibly get laid.

He smiled again. "We sure as hell are."

We played five or six rounds, Jasper joining us at round two, but Emmett dominated. I told him that, had it been hard liquor, I would have kicked his ass. He laughed then flipped me off. "That's bullshit, Cullen. I'd just get Rose in here, because you know she'd drink your ass under the table."

"Ain't that the truth," Jasper agreed. "Where does she put it all, anyway?"

"I wondered that too," Mike added. "She may be taller than most the girls here, but she's still a girl."

"What? You fuckers don't think a girl can out-drink your sorry asses?" We all turned in the direction of the voice, knowing instantly who it was. "Because I'd be more than happy to kick each one of your asses just to show you otherwise."

Emmett wiggled his eyebrows, wrapping one of his arms around Rosalie's waist. "My girl's got many talents."

I shook my head. "Sick fuck." He clapped me on the back with his free hand, laughing. "You got anything harder than beer?" He pointed toward his dad's mini bar in the living room. I left just as Jasper asked Rosalie where Alice was.

I pushed through more bodies as I made my way toward the far wall of the living room where the bar was located. I walked behind it and scanned the bottles, not finding any Patron. I kneeled down to check the cabinets and see if he had any stashed in one of them before I found some other shit to drink.

I searched through them, finally finding a bottle. I figured I would because Emmett's dad loved Patron. He was the reason I started drinking it to begin with. I pulled the cap off, tipped the bottle back, and took a huge swig. It burned going down, but I welcomed it.

I took another drink before I stood up. I started making my way around the bar when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around quickly, coming face to face with Bree.

"Hey." She smiled. I nodded back at her. "I was wondering if you'd end up coming. I'm glad you did."

"Yeah?" I asked, one eyebrow lifting.

She nodded. "I was just about to leave when I saw you."

I leaned in closer to her, whispering near her ear, "Well, looks like you don't have to leave now, do ya?"

She shivered beside me, then shook her head. I smirked at her before taking another drink. "Do you…" She looked up at me underneath her eyelashes, acting all shy and shit, then glanced toward the main area of the living room where a bunch of people were dancing. "Do you want to dance?"

I didn't dance. It wasn't that I couldn't dance; I chose not to. What was the point? It seemed too intimate to me, and I didn't do intimacy. Besides, I didn't want to go out there with all those people and dance when all I felt like doing was drinking and fucking. I was probably a hypocrite for saying that shit, because some people argued that sex was intimate, and maybe it was for them, but when I did partake, I fucked. There was nothing intimate about the way I fucked. Intimacy led to feelings, and I'd already been more than clear on how I felt about feeling for anyone.

I shook my head. "I'd rather not."

She pouted her bottom lip, reaching for my hand. "Please, Edward. One dance and then we'll leave."

"What makes you think I wanna leave?" I said, smugly.

She leaned forward, rubbing her hands over my chest. "Because I'll make you feel good if you do."

I tipped the bottle back again, then gazed down at her. She wanted me, I could see that, but the fucked part was that seeing her want me like she did didn't even make me hard. A few days ago, I would have been. I had alcohol going through me and was feeling some of its effects, not to mention the fact that I'd been hard most the goddamn day, but right now, looking down at this girl, everything was wrong. She was wrong.

I was gonna do it, though. I was gonna go with her. I was going to give her what she wanted, because maybe if I did, I'd get what I wanted too. Maybe I could fuck Bella right out of my head.

I glanced up toward the crowd of people, opening my mouth to tell Bree what she wanted to hear, when I spotted brown hair and the body I'd wanted to bury myself in all day. She was actually out there, dancing. I was instantly hard again.

Bodies had parted just enough for me to see her. I had no idea she'd be here; I assumed she'd be working, but I was obviously wrong about that.

I didn't even realize I was moving toward her until she was no longer this small body swallowed up in a crowd of people. I was just a few feet away from her now. I didn't say shit to Bree, just left her by the bar. She was probably pissed, but I didn't care.

Bella's back was still to me, and she was swaying her hips to the music. I watched the way her ass moved from side to side as she attempted to stay in sync with the beat. She seemed uncomfortable, definitely out of her element, but since she was beside Alice, I figured that was the only reason she was dancing at all. Alice had a way of getting shit she wanted. All I had to do was look at the way Bella was dressed to know it was all Alice. She still had on a shirt that came up to her neck, but everything molded to her body perfectly. I could see every fucking curve, making me want to touch her more.

People kept getting in my way, obstructing my view of her. It was pissing me off because I just wanted to watch her. I wasn't thinking, just reacting. I only knew what I wanted, and what I wanted was in front of me, trying to fucking dance with my sister.

I took another step forward, being pulled toward her. I couldn't have stopped it even if I wanted to. I was right there, almost behind her, so close I could smell her scent even with other people beside us, when another body stepped in front of me, putting his fucking hand right on her lower back. I wanted to rip his arm right from the socket.

She turned around, but her eyes didn't meet his. They met mine. It was like she expected me there. Her lips parted and she stared at me for a second longer, then looked right at him and smiled. She fucking smiled.

I instantly felt rage surge through my entire body, leaving me shaking. I knew she was taunting me, and it worked. One hand gripped the bottle tightly in my hand while the other fisted at my side. I wanted to break him, make him understand he wasn't to ever touch her again. She wasn't his to touch.

But she's not yours, either.

It was when that one rational thought entered my head that I was able to turn around before I fucking snapped. I pushed roughly through the crowd, not caring if I caused someone to fall. I just needed to get the hell away from her. She was making me lose my damn mind.

She'd had some kind of effect on me since she came here, but it seemed to increase last night during work and practically skyrocketed after that fucking dream. I didn't want this shit, but I couldn't seem to stop it.

I moved through the kitchen to the backdoor, ignoring Emmett when he asked me where I was going. I pushed through the door, slamming it shut as I stepped outside.

Don't fucking follow me out here. Don't fucking follow me. Please, follow me.

"Damn it," I growled. I started pacing, running my free hand roughly through my hair as I tried to figure this shit out. It was useless. Nothing explained what was happening, and anything I did think about only made me more frustrated.

I brought the bottle up to my lips and drank down what remained, not caring how much it burned down my throat. I just wanted the numbness again, the haze that took all this shit away so I didn't have to feel it, so I could get my head cleared enough to leave.

She must have known, must have heard me somehow, because the door opened and there she was, looking like the fucking angelic demon that she was.

"What the hell is your problem?"

"Leave it alone," I warned, tossing the empty bottle as I walked further into the yard.

Don't do it, Bella.

"No, Edward, I won't leave it alone." She followed behind me, her feet hitting the ground angrily. "What the hell was that back there, huh? You treat me like shit for no reason, and you do it every chance you get, but I-"

"Let it go, Bella," I seethed.

"No," she spat. "Not until you tell me what your problem is with me. I didn't do a damn thing to you, Edward. I purposely avoided you all day. You obviously hate me for whatever reason, so I stayed away from you. I didn't want to come here tonight, but Alice begged me, so I came. You show up out of nowhere, and the second some guy asks me to dance, you shoot daggers at me and storm off. You hate me that much that some guy-"

Okay, you asked for it.

I turned around abruptly and stalked toward her, causing her words to fall short as she backed up into a tree. I pressed my body against hers, pinning her against the tree and nearly fucking groaning out loud when I felt the heat of her body meld into mine. I wanted her so fucking bad. I wanted to rip her clothes off and claim her right here. "That guy never should have touched you."

She swallowed thickly, her voice small as she challenged me. "He can touch me if he wants."

I growled loudly. What the fuck did she think she was doing saying that shit to me? Was she trying to make me crazy? I could see she was scared, could feel her body trembling against mine, but I was too wound up to control myself. "Is this a game to you? Do you… Are you fucking enjoying this shit, Bella? What are you trying to do to me? This is messing with my head, but you won't… You're always… Fuck!"

She was breathing heavily, her warm breath like fire against my skin, making the want for her grow. I may have been able to step back, may have been able to find that last strand of control, but the moment she whimpered, the possibility of getting myself in check was long gone.

I pressed my mouth roughly to hers, groaning the moment my tongued pushed through the part in her lips and I was able to taste her. It was heaven and hell, and I was rejoicing and dying at the same time, but I didn't care because she tasted so good. There wasn't a hint of alcohol on her breath, just pure Bella.

Her hands found their way into my hair and she moaned as I pushed my body harder against her. Her body felt so good against mine. I was so goddamn hard, and I knew she could feel it, but I was so lost in the kiss, lost in her, and something about it was so fucking right. The way she felt, the way she tasted… it was right. And the fact that it felt so right scared the shit out of me. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to feel this. I wasn't supposed to feel anything, not when I could lose everything because of it.

I pulled my lips from hers as if she'd burned me and pushed myself off her by using the tree. I didn't have to look at her to know she was confused, and I refused to look at her. I stepped away from her as fast as I could and headed to my car.

I climbed inside, slamming the door shut behind me. As soon as I started up the car, I stepped on the gas, pulling out of the yard. I pounded my fists against the steering wheel, growling out my frustration, pushing the gas peddle practically to the floor.

I gave in, and I hated myself for it. It couldn't happen again. No matter how much I wanted it to, I had to do something to make sure it never happened again.