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Breathe Me
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
I knew Charlie would wonder where I was if I just simply wasn't home and never called to tell him I'd be gone when he got home himself. Since missing those twenty-four hours, Charlie became different, more openly concerned. That reason alone was why I made it a point to be home before he was. I think deep down he believed that something happened to me, and I was simply too afraid to talk about it. Of course, something did happen that night. Edward happened, and I was afraid to talk about him, but not for myself.
As much as I hated lying to Charlie, I couldn't tell him or anyone else about Edward. That wasn't a viable possibility right now. And regardless of the fact that I was eighteen, Charlie would still be curious where I was. I was still his daughter, still living under his roof, and I'd been missing for a period of time, leaving him and those that cared about me a complete wreck. I was responsible for some kind of explanation, but I couldn't very well use Alice as an excuse. She'd want answers to questions I wasn't ready to give yet.
I was alone in this. Or was I?
Edward's brow furrowed, his jaw became taut, and his eyes shifted between me and the hallway. I must have appeared unnerved while in deep thought, so I smiled reassuringly and said, "It's alright, Edward, I was just lost in thought." The tension in his body eased moderately. "I'm going to stay with you for a while longer, but I need to talk to Marcus and call my dad. I'm just going out there for a few minutes, and I'll be right back." I pointed down the hallway. "I promise, I'll be right back, okay?"
He nodded once, then whispered, "Okay."
I turned back around and proceeded down the hallway. I pushed through the doorway, parting the blanket that obstructed the door, and glanced around the room for Marcus. "Marcus, are you in here?"
He poked his head out from around the large boiler. "Yeah, I'm over here." I stepped toward the boiler, stopping when I stood beside him. He was on his knees, fumbling through archaic parts piled in an old crate, but paused when he saw me next to him. "Everything alright?"
I sighed. "Yeah, everything's fine. I just…do you remember when you told me if I needed anything to come find you?"
He nodded. "Of course."
"Well," I started, biting my lip. "I need your help."
He immediately stood up. "Tell me what you need me to do." There was no delay, just a simple, sincere response.
I exhaled in relief. "Edward asked me to stay, and I can't leave him, Marcus. I need some more time with him. The thing is, I'm eighteen and all, but my dad, he-"
"He's overprotective, and he's going to want to know where you are," he interrupted.
"It's been more so since I was gone those twenty-four hours," I explained. "I can't tell him the truth right now because Edward isn't ready for that. You and I are the only ones who know about him, so I thought that maybe you could help me out with my dad. I hate involving you like this, asking you to lie for me, and I hate lying to him myself, but I don't know what else to do."
"You don't necessarily have to lie to him, well, not entirely."
"I don't understand what you mean."
"You can tell him most of the truth, excluding Edward, of course." I gazed at him incredulously, causing him to laugh. "What I mean to say is that waking up here was probably terrifying for you. I can imagine that would be the case. And yet you came back here, albeit for Edward, but curiosity brought you back. If you took Edward out of the equation, that curiosity could be because you had that fear, and coming back here was something you felt you needed to do to deal with what happened, right?"
I shrugged. "I guess so."
His gaze lowered toward the ground, and he palmed his forehead in contemplation. "It could simply be that you came here to face your fears and became further intrigued by the place."
"That's true," I agreed. "But that excuse would only get me so far. Intrigue isn't going to be enough to explain why I'm here so often."
"That's where I come in," he offered up. "See, you coming here led to us meeting, but the version you're dad will learn is that I offered you a job here, mainly because I needed the help and you needed to be here. If you're honest about being here, someone would be less likely to go looking for you because they'd know you're already here."
"People with jobs get paid money."
"And you will."
I shook my head. "I can't just take money from you, Marcus."
He glanced up, smiling. "It's just money, and besides, I have no one to share it with. And it's not exactly as if you aren't doing something while you're here."
"Helping Edward isn't a job to me," I said offensively. "I'm here because I want to be. I don't want money in exchange for that."
"I'm sorry, Bella, that's not what I meant." His tone was full of candor. "I know being here isn't a job for you, I just meant that what you're doing isn't easy, and you're not just here to be here. Saying you work here gives you more time and getting paid only substantiates that you have a job. Edward needs you, you need a reason to be here, and I'm willing to help make that happen, even if it costs me money to do it."
"Thank you," I whispered.
He nodded. "I'm not ecstatic about lying to your father, but I'll lie for a worthy cause, and I can't think of a more worthy cause that helping that boy in there." He gestured in the direction of the door leading to Edward.
"Now the hard part," I said, taking out my cell.
I, of course, had no bars, so I made my way up to the second floor of the hospital to call Charlie. He answered on the third ring. "Hey, Bells, I was getting ready to call you and see about dinner. I thought I'd pick up some pizza tonight. How's that sound?"
"Sounds good, dad," I told him. "I'm gonna be late getting home, though."
"You're not at home?" he asked.
"No, and that's why I called." I took in a deep, sedate breath before speaking again. "I'm at the abandoned hospital, the one I was missing in."
"Yeah, Bella, I know which one it is," he retorted, an obvious edge to his tone. "I can't believe…why are you there? You shouldn't be there. I want you to-"
"Hear me out, dad," I interjected. "I know you've been worried about me, and you were right, but it wasn't because anything in general happened to me. I woke up in this place, in the complete darkness, and it terrified me. I had nightmares because of that. I thought that if I came here, maybe that would help the nightmares go away. You know, face your fears sorta thing.
"I've been coming here for nearly a week now, and somehow coming here I became intrigued by the place, the history behind it. I met the owner, Marcus, and he's been great in helping out with information and just showing me around. He's an elderly man, and he offered me a job here, dad. I wanna take it."
"I don't think so, Bella. You've already been hurt there once. I know you're eighteen, but-"
"I need this, dad," I gravely pleaded, because I did, but not for the reasons he thought. I needed this for Edward and for me. "Please. Marcus won't let me get hurt, I promise. Besides, I can use the money for college."
"Bella, I-" he paused, then sighed audibly into the phone. "I'm not thrilled about this, and I'm going to need to meet this Marcus, alright?"
"I'll invite him over for dinner," I promised.
After I hung up with Charlie, I headed back down to the boiler room and reiterated to Marcus what was said, and of course, Marcus agreed to come to dinner. Now that everything was settled, I told him I was going back to be with Edward.
When I entered the room, he was still seated against the wall, eyes gazing out toward the hallway. He visibly eased the moment he saw me. "Hey," I smiled over at him. "I told you I'd be back. I just needed to call my dad." His eyes followed me as I moved toward my usual seat. "You okay?"
He swallowed thickly. "Yes."
"Do you need anything?"
He shook his head.
I settled myself against the wall, sitting Indian style. "I'm not used to staying this late, but Marcus, he made it possible for me to be here more." I chuckled. "I guess it's a good thing I brought that book, huh? I could read to you some more if you-"
"Where?" he murmured.
I faced him. "What do you mean? Are you asking about the book?"
He sat silent, seemingly unsure if he should continue. And because the silence continued for a lengthy amount of time, I thought he wouldn't; I thought wrong. "Where…where do you come from?"
"Where do I come from?" I repeated.
He nodded.
"Out there, about fifteen minutes from here." I pointed toward the far wall. "I live in a house here in Forks with my dad and brother, Emmett." He became addled the moment I mentioned Forks. "Do you know where Forks is?"
"No."
"It's in Washington." The confused expression remained. "You don't know where Washington is either, do you?"
He shrugged, wearing a regretful mien. "I…I don't-"
"It's alright," I assured him. "You don't have to feel bad about that. There are many people who don't know where Washington is." The fact that he had no idea where he was had me wondering if he was even from Forks at all. Maybe the person or persons he feared knew he was here already simply because they brought him here. And that, of course, left me with more unanswered questions. "Do you…umm…maybe know where you're from, like where you were before here?"
His body instantly became rigid, and I regretted asking the question the moment it hit the air. His eyes widened, hands clenched at his sides, and he pressed his back further against the wall like he was hoping it would open up and swallow him so he'd be effectively cloaked. He began shaking his head perpetually, his breaths became staccato, and I braced myself for the scream I'd heard once before, the scream that told me he'd had too much. But there was no scream, only a mantra of "No more." repeated over and over.
I wanted to approach him, wrap my arms around him and shield him the way he needed. I wanted to promise him he never had to go back, that I'd always keep him safe, that even though he'd lived through those awful memories that haunted him, they could no longer physically hurt him, but I knew my touch wasn't welcome. I wasn't even sure my words were at this point, but I had to try something. "I'm sorry, Edward. Oh God, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have…I didn't think. I swear to you no more."
I had no idea what to do or what to say to give him some reprieve. I kept promising he'd be safe with me, kept telling him that Marcus and I would protect him, but my words were fruitless. Nothing I said seemed to ease the inner hell he was lost within, so I did the only thing that I could think to pull him back from the dark, the one thing that my mother used to do when I was a small child that seemed to salve my pain or fear. I closed my eyes and began to hum to him. It wasn't any particular melody, just a calming tune. I considered myself borderline tone deaf, but I was willing to make a complete fool of myself if it had a positive effect on Edward.
His mantra slowly lowered to just above a whisper, but continued for a bit longer before ceasing all together. And though he was silent, I kept humming. I became lost in what I was doing, remembering how secure I felt when Renee hummed to me, the way she cradled me within her arms, wearing that sweet smile as the sound of her soothing voice echoed the room, and I hoped that I was able to recreate that same feeling within Edward right now.
And because I was lost in memory, lost in my actions, I never heard the soft shuffle of movement toward me, never knew he was even near me until I felt the weight of something upon my lap. This was beyond accepting something directly from me like he had our meal; he had willingly approached me and willingly touched me.
The less than stellar melody caught in the back of my throat, my eyes shot open, and my head fell forward, seeing his resting on my lap as he gazed up at me in appeal. I wanted to cry for a plethora of reasons. He seemed so child-like, yet there was something old behind his eyes, something that clearly asserted he'd seen and been through more than most.
But what touched me beyond the capacity to verbalize, left me practically breathless, was the fact that even after he'd been so upset, he trusted me enough to allow me to be here with him, trusted me enough to approach me, even trusted me enough not to hurt him when making himself this vulnerable. I could feel the tremble in his body because of the fear that mercilessly claimed him, and yet he remained with his head on my lap. For him, this was a huge step, and for me, it was impossible to stave the tears now.
He inhaled a tremulous breath, then said in a shivering whisper while curling in on himself, his head still resting in my lap, "No more…Bella. Please…no more."
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