TUS - Chapter Thirteen: Discern

 

Live To Tell

I know where beauty lives

I've seen it once, I know the warm she gives

The light that you could never see

It shines inside, you can't take that from me

A man can tell a thousand lies

I've learned my lesson well

Hope I live to tell

The secret I have learned, 'till then

It will burn inside of me

The truth is never far behind

You kept it hidden well

If I live to tell

The secret I knew then

Will I ever have the chance again

If I ran away, I'd never have the strength

To go very far

How could they hear the beating of my heart

Will it grow cold

The secret that I hide, will I grow old

How would they hear

When would they learn

How would they know

We remained in the doorway, standing on the threshold between his hallway and the boiler room, silent but holding onto one another. I never loosened my grip on his trembling form. If anything, I tightened it further. But now, I was feeling a little bit selfish here because I didn't want to let him go… ever. I would gladly stand in this very spot for eternity, endure unspeakable leg cramps and discomfort, just to hold him, just to feel this… whatever it was. And I felt guilty for it, for feeling this way, because it shouldn't feel this right, and he certainly couldn't reciprocate. That wasn't a possibility, and I was angry at myself for allowing this feeling to creep up on me, for needing it, even if I didn't quite understand it – which only served to add frustration to the many emotions enveloping my body now.

But he pressed his face further into my hair as he wrapped his arms fully around my waist in a tight embrace, then whispered in a shuddered breath, "Meu calor, meu anjo."

I had no idea what he'd just said or even what language he spoke, but I did believe that it wasn't actually meant for my ears to hear; it was more a verbal musing that wasn't really meant to be verbal. Edward was certainly proving to be more than I expected, not that that should have surprised me, and I had a feeling he just unknowingly revealed another layer.

I gave him the time he needed, encouraging him with my touch. And finally, he released his hold on me, determination on his face. Though he never stopped shaking physically, we took the journey through the old hospital together, my hand in his.
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Two weeks had gone by, two weeks that I spent every moment I could with Edward. Being away from him had actually become uncomfortable. Not in the physical sense, but definitely emotionally. I missed him, missed his presence. On weekends, I found myself purposely taking long detours near the hospital while running errands for Charlie or on my way to visit Alice just to get a glimpse of it, knowing he was inside there. At least I felt a little closer to him then. But he was in essence alone. I hated the idea of him being alone, though I knew Marcus was there, and hated that I couldn't be there with him as much as I'd like even more – which honestly was 24/7. And when I'd admit that to myself, admit that I'd give up every second for him, that feeling I experienced because of him crept its way back in. It was a constant battle to push it away now, and I chastised myself more often than not for feeling it to begin with. I couldn't explain it, but I knew I shouldn't feel it.

I spent the majority of the time I was away from him trying to decipher what the hell these emotions were trying to tell me, becoming frustrated with myself all over again for even having them. Damn traitorous emotions. And because of that, when we were together, I caught myself staring at him seconds longer than necessary. And dreaming of him, that had become a nightly ritual no matter what I forced myself to think about initially.

Things had been different between us since we stood in the entryway of the boiler room embracing each other. That sensation still crackled in the air between us, but I advertently tried to ignore it. Let me tell you, that feat was not an easy one at all. Labeling it difficult was a mild understatement. But I kept it to myself because that was a conversation I simply could not have with Edward; especially when I had no idea how to explain it, anyway. And really, what could I say? "Edward, I spend so much time thinking about you, it's got to the point where I'm dreaming of you every night. I think it's because I really like you." Yeah, that would not go over well in conversation. Not to mention, it would make me sound like an insane, obsessed person. No thank you. Damn traitorous emotions. Why'd I have to have them anyway?

He was opening up more, day by day. It wasn't a huge contrast verbally from what he'd already shared with me, but the steps were made, and I was proud of him. It was more physically than vocally. He was becoming comfortable near me, enough to sit beside me when I was with him. And, of course, my body was aware of his presence beside me. I was even blessed with several smiles, the kind that met his beautiful green eyes, making them shimmer so bright my breath caught and my heart banged in my chest. Those days, yeah, those days were the best. But I never took for granted what I was given, each thing more precious than the last. It was so difficult for him to do, but it was like he pressed himself even more every day, pushed himself further up the wall that divided him from what society deemed as "normal".

So, as I sat there on Alice's bedroom floor, staring off into space while allowing her to paint my toenails, I thought about Edward, about those words he'd spoken to me in a different language. I had no idea what they were or what they even meant. They sounded beautiful, though. And the way they rolled off his tongue, the way his warm breath felt on my neck as he said them… I felt my face flush at the mere thought. I had wanted to Google them to find out their meaning, but I had no idea how to even spell what he'd said, and I couldn't ask him because I knew I wasn't really meant to hear, so the prospect of finding out was very slim. It was aggravating because I desperately wanted to know. And, of course, Alice noticed my lack of attention to what she was talking about, which happened to be Jasper as per usual.

"Hello? Earth to Bella." She tapped her fingers rather roughly against the top of my bare foot to get my attention. My eyes finally focused on her, noticing the cocked eyebrow. Yeah, she was annoyed. "Where are you these days? Every time we talk anymore, you're off in your own little world. Did you even hear what I said?"

I rolled my eyes. "Obviously. I'm sitting right here, Alice – of course I heard you."

She snorted, eying me incredulously. "Really? What was I saying then?"

Yeah, I was screwed. "Umm… you were talking about Jasper."

"And what exactly did I say about Jasper?"

She was so not relenting. "Uh…" I couldn't finish, so I simply shrugged.

"See, Bella, that's what I mean," she interrupted. "What's going on with you? I know something is, but you refuse to tell me what. Why? Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No!" I blurted out. "It's nothing like that. I don't know, Alice. I've just been distracted. I can't explain it."

"No, you won't explain it." She shook her head, frustration rolling off her in waves, but she began painting my toenails again. "I'm supposed to be your best friend, the one you tell everything to, the one you can trust." She sighed, her face emitting sadness. "And you used to. You used to tell me everything, but you don't anymore. What changed, Bella? Did I do something to make you not trust me?"

I leaned forward, reaching for her hand, stilling the one that held the brush. "You didn't do anything, Al. I promise. It's not like that, okay? Can you…" I bit my lip, then drug my hands roughly down my face before meeting her curious gaze. I couldn't lie to her, but I couldn't tell her about Edward yet. I needed more time with him. "Can you just give me a little time? That's all I'm asking. I just need a little more time, and then we'll talk."

Her eyes remained fixed on mine, face still sullen. I could see how heavily she was contemplating what I'd said, and I expected her to argue with me, to put up a resistance, but she didn't; she simply nodded.

"Alright, Bella, time I can do. I just… I have one request." I swallowed thickly, tension bubbling up within my body at the mere mention of a request. I knew how Alice operated. "Can you at least tell me if you're really alright? I can wait for the other stuff, but I can't wait for that. I just need to know you're fine."

I smiled a genuine smile as I thought of Edward. "I'm good, Al. I really am."

She shook her head again, but returned my smile. "I missed this, you know? I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't stay away so long again." She kept her attention on my feet, coating the big toenail of my left foot with soft pink polish, but I could see the smile pulling up her lips. "I don't really like it."

I laughed. "I won't, Al."

So I forced myself for the remainder of the evening to focus on my best friend, talking and laughing with her, listening to what had been going on in her life while I wasn't around, and not about the man who'd become such an intricate part of my life for the last month.

Just before we settled in for the night, popping in a DVD to watch as we lay in bed, Carlisle knocked on the door to check up on us. "Hey, you girls doing okay?" he asked. He then directed his statement toward Alice. "Your mother asked me to check in on you, make sure you didn't need anything before we went to bed."

"We're fine, Dad," she assured him.

He gave us a small smile, mainly looking at me as he did so, then nodded as he closed the door. Since the hospital, I had this odd feeling that Carlisle suspected I was lying, but he never said anything, and I certainly wasn't going to approach him about it. So I settled back in bed, watching the movie until I fell asleep.

When I woke up, sunlight filtering through the window and dancing across my eyelids, Alice was already awake, sitting up on the twin mattress nestled on the other side of the nightstand that sat between her bed and the one I was now laying on. She had this odd look on her face, brow furrowed, mouth in a straight line, and for some reason that look left me with a feeling of dread. I sat up quickly, rubbing the sleepy haze from my eyes with my palms. "Alice?" My voice sounded hoarse, mostly because my mouth was dry and not particularly tasting very good. I hated morning breath. "Alice, what's wrong?"

"Who's Edward, Bella?" That one question answered the overwhelming feeling of dread that now intensified to the point where my stomach rolled in nausea.

"What?" I whispered, because I could clearly not speak above that. Honestly, I was surprised I was able to speak at all. I cursed my sleep talking because this was not a good time to be doing so, not when I was at Alice's home and not when she was so inquisitive to begin with. I thought I had a handle on it, but I was apparently dead wrong.

"You kept making weird sounds." Her eyebrows lifted as she leaned forward, forming an 'o' around her mouth with her hands while whispering, "Like sex sounds, and you said 'Edward' several times."

I imagine I probably wore a look of mortification because that's exactly how I felt. I didn't particularly remember having a sex dream about Edward, and if that was the case, I was mortified by it, but even more so that Alice had apparently heard said sex dream. I wanted to dig a large hole and bury my head inside it, proving that action a lot more counterproductive. And then the mortification morphed to guilt because if I did actually have an Edward sex dream, I was admittedly disappointed I couldn't remember it. And though I was disgusted with myself because of that, I had to get myself in check quickly and come up with something reasonable because I couldn't tell Alice yet, and it was clear by her expression she was not letting this go without an appropriate answer.

I scanned the room as if there were an answer embedded somewhere in the plethora of Alice's belongings to the looming question that tainted the air around us. And just as I was about to give up and tell her I simply couldn't answer, which would only fuel her quest to find out further, I spotted the DVD case to the movie we'd watched last night lying beside Alice's television. It was Keeping the Faith - which just happened to star Edward Norton. If that wasn't luck, then I didn't know what was. "Edward Norton," I said in a rush. I took a deep breath in an effort to sedate my nerves. "I'm so embarrassed, Al," I breathed. "I guess I must have been dreaming about him. I mean, we did watch that movie with him before we went to bed, and he is pretty hot."

She giggled, seemingly appeased with my answer. It did make sense, after all. "Well, Bella Swan, who knew you had it in you. I just never expected to overhear you and one of your porn dreams." I blushed profusely, very uncomfortable with the term 'porn dream'. I imagined I looked as red as a beet at this point – which, of course, spurred her on. "But I get it. He is hot….for an older guy."

"Alice," I scoffed, though internally, I was rejoicing the escape of near disaster concerning Edward. "He's, like, forty. That's not old."

She cocked her head to the side, rolling her eyes. "Bella, if he's old enough to be your dad, that's old."

I laughed, throwing the blankets off my body and climbing off the bed, heading toward the bathroom attached to her bedroom. "Oh, how I adore you, Alice."

I could hear muffled giggles as I closed the bathroom door. "This I know, Bella!" she shouted. "This I know!"

After having a rather long, drug out breakfast and interesting conversation with Alice, I headed home. Charlie was sitting in his recliner watching ESPN, and Emmett was apparently out with Rosalie and some friends. I rolled my eyes the moment Charlie told me who Emmett was with.

"You have any plans today, kiddo?" he asked.

"No, why?"

"Well," he started. "I thought you could ride with me to Newton's, then we could go to the diner, maybe have some lunch together?"

"Sounds great, Dad, just let me go get a shower first."

I showered, then dressed in a white fitted t-shirt and my favorite pair of jean capris. When we arrived at Newton's, Charlie informed me he had a few things to pick up for his fishing trip scheduled the following weekend with Harry Clearwater. I told him to go on ahead and get what he needed, and I'd just rummage the store while I waited. When we'd first arrived, Mrs. Newton was behind the register, so I assumed Mike wasn't around… thankfully. So as I traveled down the long aisle of hunting apparel, I swiftly realized that my luck in not running into Mike Newton was going to run out.

I'd just been reading a t-shirt that said, 'Does this shirt make my bass look big?', chuckling to myself at the absurdity of what it said, when I felt a hand tap my shoulder, followed by the nasally sound of my name being said. "Bella… Hey. I'm glad I ran into you." He actually allowed his fingers to linger on my shoulder.

This was the part where I cringed… internally, of course. I turned around, trying to be suave in the removal of his hand from my shoulder, and smiled at him. "Hey, Mike, how are you?"

"I'm good," he said in a rush. And then he smiled this big goofy smile. I suppose I would have been a tiny bit flattered at the extent of the smile, considering it was because of me, if I hadn't been distracted by the piece of carrot stuck in his front teeth. How he didn't realize that thing was there was beyond me. And as he talked, I noticed it move slightly. I couldn't focus on anything he said, because really, all I wanted to do was reach up and pull that thing from between his teeth.

And, of course, he noticed me staring at his mouth. "Hey, is a… is there something on my face?" He started brushing his hand across his mouth as if to remove whatever it was that I'd been looking at.

I shook my head, thinking, 'No, but you have something in your teeth.' His mouth pulled up into a smug grin as he ran his tongue along his bottom lip. It was like an instantaneous reaction. My nose slightly wrinkled up in disgust, but my eyes met his. And the twinkle in his eye, the way he continued licking his lips, he had clearly mistaken my mouth staring for me contemplating kissing him. When that realization dawned on me, my stomach turned. I mean, the idea of that alone was disturbing, and I may have even blushed at the way he was looking at me if I hadn't been so disgusted. My throat started closing up, and I had to continually swallow against the nausea. "Uh, Mike, I… uh… gotta go." I turned around quickly, moving through the store in search of Charlie.

Luckily, he had what he needed and was ready to go.

Needless to say, when we arrived at the diner, I wasn't that hungry. I ordered a small bowl of soup and a sprite. "Not very hungry, Bells?" Charlie asked.

I shook my head. "Not really. I had a big breakfast at Alice's." That was the truth; I did have a big breakfast, but it wasn't the reason I was no longer hungry. I recollected my conversation with Emmett about Mike, so I couldn't burn that bridge with Charlie in case I needed to use my mock attraction to Mike at a later date.

"You seem… distracted."

"I'm just tired, Dad," I explained. "Alice kept me up late doing my toenails and watching movies." Again, this was the truth.

"Did you girls have fun? I mean, you don't spend that much time together so…" He paused, and I thought he was going to finish his sentence, but he took a bite of his burger, lifting his eyebrow at me. He was obviously awaiting an answer.

"Oh, well, I'm working now and she's dating Jasper Hale, so that sorta leaves time to hang out a little scarce." I began stirring my half eaten soup as a distraction.

"Jasper Hale, eh? He's a good kid."

Yeah, he is," I agreed. "Alice really likes him."

"And you…" He gestured toward me with his hand. "You… uh… have any boys you like?"

I blushed. "Dad, are we seriously gonna talk about boys?"

He laughed. "I guess not." He became silent, biting into his burger. I took a bite of my soup even though I wasn't hungry, figuring the conversation was over. And just as I reached for my sprite, he said, "I just want you to be happy, Bella. The only place you really go besides the store is that mental hospital. You're a teenager, and it's okay to act like one. Don't make everything about work. Go hang out with your friends too, okay?"

I nodded. "Okay, Dad." He smiled, and the remainder of lunch was done in silence. If only he knew why being at that hospital meant so much to me.

After we made it back home, I excused myself and headed upstairs while Charlie made his way into the living room, sitting in his recliner to watch sports or the Outdoor channel. I told him I was tired, which was the truth, and was planning a nap.

I lay in bed for awhile, wrapped in my thick comforter, tossing and turning. I was anxious for Monday to arrive because that meant I'd see Edward. And if I could actually get myself to sleep, once I woke again, I'd be that much closer to seeing him. So I closed my eyes, forcing myself to think about calming thoughts. Finally, after some time, I was able to sleep.

I jolted awake, startled by my dream, and sat upright immediately, running my clammy palms down my face. I ground my fists against my eyelids, rubbing out the sleep, and glanced around my room, noticing the sky had darkened some outside. I must have been asleep for awhile.

My heart was beating rapidly in my chest, my breathing was elevated and my skin was coated in a thin sheen of sweat, obviously inspired by my latest dream. I didn't understand it, but felt like it was foreshadowing something monumental.

Edward was sitting in the darkness, surrounded by the empty blackness as he reached out to me, fear palpable upon his face. He kept saying my name pleadingly, his voice becoming louder and more desperate the further he was pulled from me by an unseen force, making my vision tunnel as the distance increased. And though it was only a dream, the feeling it educed rocked my insides painfully.
The fear left a pungent, acidic taste in my mouth, burning my esophagus as I swallowed. I didn't like this feeling; it terrified me. I had to see him. I had to know he was alright. So I flew up off my bed, practically catching my footing inside my comforter.

I ran into the bathroom, splashing some cold water over my heated face and brushed my hair, pulling it back into a ponytail. I ran back into my room, slipping on my tennis shoes and grabbing my tote bag. I bound down the stairs, holding onto the railing to keep from falling. I thought I was alone, which was exactly what I was supposed to be since Charlie was supposed to be at the station, and Emmett made it clear he wouldn't be home until late. At least that's what my understanding was during lunch. "Bells, is that you?"

My stepping halted, and I gasped, placing my hand over my chest, completely alarmed by his voice. I took in a deep, sonorous breath, exhaling in the same manner. "Yeah, Dad."

"You going somewhere?" I couldn't see him at this point, but I could hear him.

"I'm just going out for a bit, maybe going to Alice's. I haven't decided yet; I just need to get out."
"Oh, okay. Well, be careful and have fun."

"Thanks, Dad," I called out as I stepped outside.

I'd practically kept the gas floored until I got to the hospital. I was pretty anxious, and I had no idea why. I threw my door open, grabbed my bag, and sprinted inside the hospital.

I moved swiftly but efficiently through the hospital, an ability that was very rare for me. As I passed Marcus in the boiler room, I hollered, "Hi, Marcus. Bye, Marcus." before yanking the blanket aside that shielded the hallway door leading to Edward. His laugh was still resonating through the boiler room as I closed the door behind me, making my way down the hallway quickly.

The moment I reached that doorway, his eyes shifted upward, like he sensed me before he saw me, distress evident on his face. He released an ear piercing breath of relief, whispering my name alongside it.

"Bella." He closed his eyes, leaning his head against the wall.

My knees nearly buckled underneath me, but I fought the urge to drop where I stood and approached him. He was seated in the corner that I'd seen him recoil to many times, Lancelot resting comfortably in his lap. "Hey," I murmured as I sat beside him. "You okay?"

He was silent a few moments before he finally lifted his head, whispering, "I… I had a bad dream."

Funny, that makes two of us.

"You wanna talk about it?" I asked. I didn't want to press him, but I wanted him to know that I'd listen if he needed me to. "I'd be more than happy to listen. I mean, if you want to talk, that is. I just want you to be comfortable."

His eyes met mine. There were so many secrets hidden in those eyes of his. "It's not so bad now."

I nodded, knowing that if and when he was ready, he'd tell me
.
"You… you don't come here today," he mumbled. At first I wasn't sure what he meant, then understanding set in. He was right because I didn't generally show up on the weekend.

"Yeah, I don't, but I just… I needed to make sure you were alright. I was napping, and I woke up with this strange feeling, and I-" I abruptly stopped myself, cutting off the words I was speaking once my brain caught up, realizing who I was talking to. I didn't want to say something that might frighten him.

"You had a bad dream?" he asked. I hesitantly nodded. "You want to talk about it?"

I laughed at the irony of his attempt to console me. He was doing and saying exactly what I had not minutes prior. "No, that's alright. I'm better now too."

He cocked his head to the side, eyeing me so intensely it felt like he was looking through me. "You have sad eyes… Bella."

I was caught off guard by his comment. "Why do you say that?"

"Because."

"I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"I don't want you to have sad eyes."

I had to look away, because the way he was staring at me, it was too much.

"You have sad eyes too," I whispered, swallowing against the newly formed lump in my throat. "And that makes me sad."

"I don't… want to have sad eyes." My head snapped in his direction the precise moment he shook his head, his voice vibrating with emotion. "I don't want to be this." His eyes roamed over the parts of himself he could see, then met mine, silently pleading for me to understand what he was trying to say.

The burning ache in my chest amplified, and God, how I wanted to sob to ease his pain and mine. He had to know that even though he was lost, he could still be found, and that it didn't mean he wasn't a good person. I had to tell him, had to make him understand. "Edward, you don't see yourself the-"

He shook his head again. "I see," he interjected. "I always knew. He made me."

"He made you what?"

"See myself," he whispered. "See what I really am." And just like that his eyes glazed over, plummeting him into a place inside his mind he couldn't escape. He was sitting beside me physically, but he was no longer beside me emotionally.
"He's… I can't even sleep without… He's always..." He paused. "It burned and I saw the hole, the blood it made, but I didn't want to look. I didn't… want to see it. It hurt, but he made me look." My stomach turned at the mention of the burn that caused blood.

"I tried… but it was so hard to read. I didn't know that much. I wanted to do it right so he wasn't angry today. He said I should know, he showed me, but it was so hard to read it. He reminded me every day, that he could take it and I shouldn't have it… my life. It was never mine, it was his. He gave it to me. He could take it. I made him lose her, and I… I was to know the day every day, because I ended his life the day I came into it."

I held my tongue, biting into my cheek hard to keep from making any kind of noise. As hard as it was to hear, he was musing aloud, unconsciously opening up, and I had no idea if and when this would happen again. "I had to know the day. But that day, I thought when he was showing me… when he let me read it that he might… but he didn't. He could never feel that…for me. He showed me how, but it was never for me."

His hand gripped Lancelot, squeezing tightly against the marred fur. "I had nothing, I was nothing. He always told me. I took my medicine… every day to remind me. I learned. He let me, but it was for him so I would know… I would know in every way, because there's more than one way to take your medicine. He said I had to see and hear it. It got harder to hide in my head when it hurt. He… Aro tried to take him from me, because… because he was my only friend."

I couldn't hold back the sobs any longer. I knew he was talking about Lancelot, about a stuffed bear, and I understood now the true significance of that simple, stuffed bear. But he wasn't really simple at all. He was salvation to a boy who had nothing else. I guess I always knew, but he was admitting it aloud and it hurt to hear. Lancelot was all he had to hold onto when he was being tortured, the only light in the agonizing darkness.

He blinked rapidly as he immediately turned his head toward me. The cloudiness was gone, replaced with a pain so caustic my insides felt shredded beyond repair. He shook his head, his eyes tearing up. "I can't anymore, Bella. I just… can't."

I faced him, then lifted up on my knees and reached for him, wrapping my arms around him without even questioning whether I should or not. I held him against me, feeling that ever present warmth, his face pressed into the crook of my neck, crying. And I cried with him, for him.

I don't even know how long I held him, both of us openly weeping before his sobs became hiccoughs that eventually became silence. I thought he might be sleeping, so I attempted to move to get comfortable, but the moment I shifted my body just a fraction, he wrapped his arms tightly around my waist, whispering hoarsely. "Please… don't go."

My decision was made even before I realized it. I knew what I had to do. I leaned back enough to look him in the eyes. "Give me just a minute, and I'll be right back, okay? I need to take care of something out there." I lifted my hand, pointing toward the doorway over my shoulder. "But I'm not going to leave you. I'll only be gone a minute, I promise."

He was hesitant to let go, but he did, nodding. I assured him again that I'd be right back. I reached inside my bag, pulled out my cell and made my way out of the room.

I didn't pass Marcus as I made my way to the main floor of the hospital. I assumed he was probably running errands, comfortable to do so because I was with Edward. I flipped my cell open, immediately entering my contact list. I hit send the moment the name was highlighted. And as soon as I heard her voice answer, I said, "Alice, I need you to do me a favor."