Posts
Shattered
But i know
All i know
Is that the ends beginning
Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced
All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war's not over
Theres a light
Theres the sun
Taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer
Chapter 15: A Piece of Beautiful
Edward's arm twitched against my hip, then he pulled it abruptly away as he nearly flung himself upright, scooting backward, eyes darting around the room, no doubt contemplating running. If he moved any further from me, he'd fall right off the mattress onto the floor. His knees were immediately pressed against his chest, arms wrapped around them, and his cheeks were as flushed as mine. "I…I'm…I didn't-" He was stammering his words and as he did so, he never looked at me. In fact, he looked everywhere but at me. Every word carried an intonation of regret and fear, and I felt sickened that he felt that way. But more importantly, I worried what feeling that way would do to him, if it would affect what we'd gained.
Here I was reacting to the fact that my chest was practically hanging out, but I never took into consideration how my reaction would affect him. It was obvious I'd not only startled him, but made him fearful too. I hadn't meant to do either one, I'd just never had a guy openly stare at my chest that way. I'm Bella Swan, after all; hopelessly clumsy and hopelessly plain.
I mean, I knew his thoughts weren't the same as other guys, but his face still showed curiosity, almost to the point of fascination. And that, the look in his eyes, the way his eyes studied me, heated my skin from head to toe, making me gasp more from that then embarrassment. I could blame my actions solely on the embarrassment but I knew better.
Him staring at me, though I'm sure on his part was innocent, affected me and I had no idea what to do with that knowledge. But right now, what I felt didn't matter because he was sitting there afraid and fixing that, that's what mattered.
"Edward," I began in a soft, nonthreatening tone. I had no actual idea what I was doing here, what to say, but I had to make an attempt. "Please don't be upset. Please don't pull away from me. I was half asleep. I just… I was startled and-"
"It's okay," I told him. "Really. Edward, I'm not angry. There's no reason to be angry, okay? You didn't do anything wrong."
"I just… wanted to know," he whispered. His eyes finally met mine, glistening with unshed tears, but his bodily relaxed minutely.
"Know what?" I asked. My heart was aching painfully in my chest for him. He really seemed to think what he'd done was no short of depravity.
"About the softness." He lowered his head, eyes focusing on his lap in shame. The more he revealed, the lower his voice became. "He told me about it…. the softness a girl has. He said it was beautiful. He said… he said I'd never know it - I wasn't worthy. I didn't understand what he was saying, but I just wanted to know if I could see it… what he meant because I won't… ever know it."
"He lied, Edward. You aren't unworthy. You could never be unworthy. It's just… I don't know that you can actually see softness like that." I shrugged. "Or maybe you can when two people love-"
"Love?" He interrupted, brow furrowing in question. "I don't know if…" He shook his head, eyes lowering toward his lap again. "I've never had love."
I should be used to the feeling, considering my heart was an unending ache for him and all the things he didn't have but should, yet it still hurt with each new devastating thing I learned about him. "I'm sorry, Edward, because everyone should know love. It can be beautiful." I wasn't exactly experienced on love, other than the love for family and friends. And what I felt for Edward, I had no clue how to label that. "It makes you feel strong, important, needed, wanted. Loving someone can be your greatest strength and your greatest weakness. You can feel a whole person because of it. The feeling you have when you love someone and know they love you back, it heats every part of you in a good way. You feel so warm inside."
His eyes met mine again, a sort of understanding twinkled within them. "I... I feel warm with you."
My face immediately heated as his words melted over me. I knew what he implied, but for some reason unknown to me, I felt disappointed it hadn't meant something else. And because of that, I barely heard his question.
"Do you?" he asked.
I blinked a few times before clearing my throat. "Do I what?"
"Do you know love?" He seemed almost afraid to ask.
"I do," I answered.
His eyes lit up, and his lips turned upward, but he didn't respond further with a statement or question. I never went into detail either, but he didn't seem to mind. I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking as he smiled.
I finally broke the silence between us. "I should…. probably run home and change, but I'll be right back, okay?"
I could see the change in his posture, see that the mention of my leaving wasn't what he wanted, but he nodded in understanding.
I grabbed the sweatshirt off the floor, pulling it over my head. I reached for his hand, and he let me take it within mine. I squeezed gently, smiling at him. "I'll be right back, and I'll bring you a present."
His eyes widened, like what I'd said was the most shocking thing he'd ever heard. "You're gonna bring me a present?"
"I am."
His eyes lit up. "I've never had one."
"Now you will."
And then he smiled. It wasn't the half smile I was used to, the one that only turned up one side of his mouth partially. No, this smile was a full on glorious smile that reached his illuminated eyes, showing near flawless teeth it was so wide – Yep, he definitely brushed.
I completely melted at the sight of him. Seeing him this happy and knowing I was the reason for the smile, I wanted to be the reason that smile beamed upon his face all the time, to give him the hope that was so clearly brightening those green orbs. It warmed me to my soul seeing him this way.
After grabbing my belongings and promising to be right back, I made my way to the boiler room. I noticed Marcus wasn't around, but there was something sitting on his bench that appeared to be an iPod. I was curious so I approached the bench, seeing that it was in fact a blue iPod and there was a note addressed to me beneath it.
Bella,
You mentioned the boy liking your iPod, and I figured he'd do good to have one of his own. Give it to him for me and let him know it's from you and me. I figured I'd leave the adding music to you. You'd have a better idea of what he likes than I do. I'm sorry I didn't stick around to greet you this morning, but I woke up feeling pretty run over. I assume it's the flu, so I'm gonna stay home and rest while you're with him. I know he's alright with you there. Besides, I figured you two could do with some time alone, maybe get him to go on a walk during the day if you think it's safe enough. He might like it. You have my number if you need anything. I'm just a phone call away and I'll be there, sick or not. I know you generally leave around seven, so I'll be there before then so he's not alone.
See you tonight,
Marcus
I couldn't help but worry about Marcus being sick, but I assumed if it were something more than flu, he'd tell me. At least I hoped he would. I'd be sure to bring him soup for tonight just in case he didn't eat. I smiled down at the iPod as I gripped my fingers around it, knowing Edward would love it.
As soon as I made it outside, I checked my cell, finding a text from Alice, telling me to answer my phone. There was also three voicemails; one was from Charlie, calling to let me know he was at work and he'd see me tomorrow since he knew I'd be at Alice's tonight because of her Open House, the other two from Alice, making sure everything was alright and reminding me about the Open House – which was tentatively set for those under fifty to begin at seven. If I hadn't been reminded, I would have forgotten. I text her, telling her everything was fine and I'd be there later.
Once I got home, the plan was to take a shower while syncing music to Edward's iPod. I connected the iPod to the USB port of my laptop and opened my iTunes program. I initiated the sync then went to my closet to grab some clothing for today and what I'd need for Alice's, placing what went with me in my tote bag.
I entered the bathroom, stripping myself of the pajamas Alice lent me and pulled back the shower curtain, seeing fresh drops of water zigzag down the material. I turned the handles and dipped my fingers underneath, checking the temperature. I waited and waited for the water to warm up but the lukewarm turned to ice cold. Obviously Emmett had just recently showered, which meant he'd been running late for Football camp.
I sighed, aggravated that I wasn't going to get a shower this morning before putting on clean clothes, but I wasn't willing to wait around for it to warm up while knowing Edward was alone. I put the clothes on, pulled my hair up into a messy ponytail, then headed back into my room.
I reached underneath the bed, pulling out the large hidden container of homemade peanut butter chocolate chip cookies I'd baked for Edward – I knew Emmett would eat them if he knew I'd made them. I threw on my shoes, detached the iPod from the USB port and placed it in a side pocket of my tote bag.
It took me an additional fifteen minutes to prepare Marcus's soup, along with my and Edward's lunch and dinner - lunch consisted of tuna salad sandwiches, chips and thermoses of juice while dinner was the same soup I gave Marcus. I threw everything into my tote bag and hurried to my truck.
When I made it back to Edward's room, he was no longer in his pajamas, but was now wearing one of the outfits that had been inside the box of clothing Marcus brought for him. He wasn't on the bed anymore either. He was seated on the floor with his back and head pressed against the wall, eyes closed. His knees were pulled up, but not quite at his chest, and hands were clenched into fists, resting above his knees. As soon as he heard me, his head lifted and his eyes opened up to gaze at me.
"They seem to fit," I said, pointing toward the clothing. He had a black t-shirt on and a pair of jeans, but no socks or shoes. I set my tote bag down and sat beside him. His posture relaxed the moment I sat down.
"They do."
"Well, I like them."
His eyes met mine and he smiled. "Me too."
As much as I found myself wanting to look at him, needing to, it almost seemed too personal the way our eyes connected, like there was a silent conversation between them that I wasn't privy to, so I had to look away.
"Your hair is up," he whispered.
I lifted my hand, pulling at my ponytail. I felt embarrassed by the fact that I hadn't showered before coming back, that he was seeing me this way. It bothered me more than it should have. At least I put on deodorant before I came to halt any body odor. "Yeah, my brother Emmett used up all the hot water, so I wasn't able to take a shower before I came back, and it was either messy hair or ponytail. I opted for the ponytail. Sorry."
Why did I just apologize?
His eyes averted upward, scanning my hair, and then he chuckled. "I like the ponytail… Bella."
As much as I knew it was a simple observation, that he was being kind because I'd commented on his new clothes so he reciprocated, I couldn't stop the flush that crept across me cheeks or the sensation within the pit of my stomach.
Jesus, I needed to get a grip.
"So… uh…" I looked down at my tote bag, sticking my hand inside to grab the container of cookies. "I promised I'd bring you a present when I came back."
I focused back on him, gauging his reaction. He leaned forward, eyes moving toward my bag. He was definitely anxious to see what I brought him. I laughed as I pulled out the container of cookies and handed it to him.
He stared at the container, then glanced back at me. "What is it?"
"Open it up and look inside."
He looked at me a beat longer, then gazed back down at the container before pulling off the lid.
"They're homemade peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I made them for you."
"You made all these?" he asked, surprised. "For me?"
I nodded. "Yes. They're all for you." He stayed silent and his gaze never left the cookies. I was afraid he didn't like them. "I know it's not much, and if you don't like them I can make-"
He shook his head furiously. "No, Bella… I like them. I didn't mean-"
"It's okay," I assured him. "I know you didn't. I was just worried you really didn't like that kind."
"I do. I like that kind." He said the words, but I was positive it was for my benefit, and that he'd never really tasted that particular cookie.
"Go ahead and try one."
He carefully reached inside the container, snatching one of the cookies. He lifted it toward his mouth, glancing at me before he bit into it. He chewed for a moment before closing his eyes and sighing loudly.
I giggled. "Good?"
He nodded, causing crumbs that had accumulated on his lips to drop into his lap. I was ashamed that I had in fact noticed this.
I quickly looked away. "I have something else for you too."
"You do?"
"Yeah."
His head lowered, shoulders falling forward in defeat. I didn't like that, not at all.
"Edward, what's wrong?"
Did I offend him somehow?
His voice was just above a whisper, cracking with deep-rooted emotion. "I don't… I have nothing to give you, Bella."
"Hey." I grabbed his hand and squeezed. He reciprocated the action, but there wasn't much pressure from his shaky hands. "Edward, I don't give you these things because I expect you to give me something back. I do this because I want to, because it makes me happy to see you happy. And though you think you don't give me anything in return, you do. Seeing you smile, that's the best present I could hope for. Please don't be sad or upset about this."
He squeezed my hand again, and I took that to mean he was accepting what I'd said to him, even if it was merely to appease me.
I reached into the side pocket of my tote bag and grabbed the iPod. "So, as I was saying, you have another present, but I can't really take credit for this. Marcus, well, he bought it because I mentioned leaving mine for you so he wanted you to have your own. I took it home and added my entire library to it, so you'd have a large selection to listen to."
I realized I hadn't showed him or stated what I was talking about, so the curiosity overriding his features made perfect sense.
I completely pulled the iPod out of the pocket with my free hand and placed it in the palm of his. His entire body became rigid next to mine when he realized what I'd put in his hand.
"Edward?" I questioned.
Was it too much? I mean, he wasn't used to getting gifts. Did I push too hard?
"I'm sorry. I thought you'd like-"
His hand wrapped tightly around the iPod and he pulled it up to his chest, pressing it against his heart. He turned his head, giving me full view of his face.
And that was the first time that I'd seen and not just heard Edward cry. But this time, it was happy tears.
After lunch, I read to Edward for awhile. He wasn't too focused on what I was saying, basically because his attention was centered on the iPod buried in his grasp.
I was in the middle of reading a line when he suddenly glanced up, interrupting what I was saying. "Will you tell him… for me?
I placed the book face down in my lap and smiled at him, knowing exactly what he was asking of me. "I will."
"Thank you," he murmured while glancing back down at his iPod.
I placed the bookmark inside the book, knowing our reading time was over. "You know what? I think we'll stop reading for now, maybe listen to some music for awhile. We could even go for a walk."
His head snapped up, eyes widening as he stumbled out words. "I… I can't do-"
It was then I realized I had forgotten to tell him Marcus wasn't even around. "It's okay… it's fine. Marcus isn't here. He won't be here until tonight. It's just me and you." I angled myself so that I was facing him. "I know you're afraid, but I swear to you that Marcus won't ever hurt you. He's not Aro. Not all men are like Aro.
"I know that's hard to understand, but there are good men, loving men, out there. My dad is one of them. " I hated seeing that void in his eyes, the lack of connection toward what I was saying. He wouldn't understand, because he'd never had the love of a parent or anyone for that matter. Well, not until…
I purposely interrupted that thought and began speaking again. "He's good to me and he loves me. He takes care of me, and when I'm hurt or upset he does whatever he can to make it better for me. Marcus wants to do that for you, just like my dad does for me."
"You do that for me… Bella." I swallowed loudly, feeling the emotional lump move with the force as I bit back the tears that fought to spill from my eyes.
"But it's not the same." I chewed my lip, knowing I was losing the battle to hold myself together. "He's been here with you every day for seven years, and if he wanted to hurt you he could have done that a long time ago. But he never did because he cares. He cares about you."
"He shouldn't."
That one comment was enough to break the dam, allowing the tears to seep forward. "Why? Why shouldn't he?"
"Because I don't deserve it," he whispered.
"Because Aro said so?" I choked out. "He was wrong, Edward. He was so wrong. And you're proving him even more wrong everyday by all that you succeed at. Look how much you've accomplished, Edward. I'm so proud of you, so very proud.
"But I want you to believe that you do deserve more. You deserve so much more. I want to show you that, Marcus wants to show you that. I'm not saying right now, but can you consider, just consider, meeting him one day?" He tensed up, so I quickly added, "And I'd be there with you when you do. I'm saying when because I'm not giving up on you or the idea of getting you out of this place to somewhere better."
He closed his eyes, exhaling sharply. "I'll… consider it."
Again, I felt guilty because he was ceding for me and not for himself. But like before, that ceding gave me a window of opportunity to work with.
I changed the subject, for him and for me, and offered up taking a walk again. It was still daylight out and probably not the best time to venture through the hospital since anyone could show up, but I figured we'd stick to the basement floor after hitting the restroom.
He accepted, though the trembling began.
I stopped him just before we entered the boiler room, lifting my head to make eye contact – he was so much taller than me. "I have an idea," I told him. "Give me your iPod."
He was hesitant, so I smiled at him, assuring him everything would be fine. It was cute how attached he'd become to it already. He placed the iPod in my hand, and the moment I felt it against my palm, I explained my idea. "Music has always been very relaxing for me, especially during times I was afraid. See, I'd listen to the music and focus on the sound and that helped distract me from my fears. So what I'm going to do is put the earbuds in your ears, and you're going to turn on the iPod and listen to the music I added for you."
I reached up slowly, keeping my eyes locked with his as I placed the earbuds in his ears. "There. Now you can turn on the music."
And he did, continually listening to it as we stopped at the restroom first, then worked our way back down to the basement and trekked the long hall.
The only conversation held between us was the one his hand made with mine as he squeezed it the further we moved through the basement, or the occasional pointing I did if I found something of interest.
He was more relaxed than I'd ever seen him during our walks through the hospital. I even caught him humming a tune under his breath. That moment, I felt like he'd shared something profound with me, a huge part of himself that no one else would ever know, even if he had no idea I was listening. And that moment, he filled my heart a little more.
After returning back to Edward's room, he started for the wall, but I reached for his hand to stop him. I pulled an earbud from his ear. "Edward, why do you sit on the floor when you have a mattress you can sit on?"
He shrugged. "I'm not used to the mattress yet."
"Come on." I pulled him toward the mattress by his hand. "We're not sitting on the floor anymore, okay? I'll talk to Marcus about getting two chairs in here, one for you and one for me. If he brings them, I'll put them in here."
"If you'll… wait until he leaves I can help."
"I think I'd like that."
I walked over and grabbed my tote bag and juice thermos while Edward got comfortable on the mattress next to Lancelot. I sat down, then placed my bag in my lap, sifting through it to find my iPod. When I found it, I dropped the bag near the mattress and pivoted around to face Edward. He'd been watching me, was still watching me, so I smiled at him as I put my earbuds in my ears. I turned it on, then laid back against the mattress, closing my eyes and placing my hands behind my head as the voice of Jason Wade filtered through the tiny speakers.
Sometime later, I felt shuffling above the mattress and body heat. I opened my eyes, turning my head a fraction to the left to see Edward was mirroring my actions.
I laughed, knowing he wouldn't hear me, then returned back to my original position, glancing at the ceiling a few seconds before closing my eyes.
I think I may have dozed off at some point, but jolted awake. I immediately turned my head, noticing Edward was asleep beside me, earbuds still in place.
My mouth was dry so I blindly reached for my thermos, lifting my head partially to take a sip when I found it and removed the lid. Unfortunately, I managed to spill the juice because I'd been too comfortable to move too far from the warmth Edward's body provided. I felt the liquid running down my neck, and my shirt was now drenched in the front.
I sat up, silently cursing myself for being a clumsy idiot.
I could leave the clothing on and wait until I got to Alice's house, but I'd be all sticky before then, and that was something I simply wasn't okay with.
I had no idea what inspired my next thought, other than the fact that I didn't want to be sticky, but I could slip away while Edward was sleeping long enough to take a shower. I mean, if it was good enough for Edward it was good enough for me. And I could hurry and be done before he ever knew.
Again, I cursed my lack of grace and genius, but in all fairness, being that close to Edward, feeling that heightened warmth, it was something I was beginning to crave, and I found myself clinging to it when it was given.
I tried to endure the sticky dampness on my shirt and neck, but it became too much. I was already feeling dirty with not having a shower since the day before. Even though I knew it was such a bad idea, that I should not be contemplating what I knew I was going to do anyway, it made no difference. I told myself I'd hurry, and that was all the encouragement I needed.
I sat up, reaching inside my bag and grabbed the clothing I'd put inside. I took one final glance at Edward as I started for the door, making sure he was still asleep.
He was.
I hurried down the corridor, pushed through the door to the boiler room and rushed up to the basement floor. I walked the length of the hall and entered the room that led into the coed bathroom, moving through it until I was stepping inside the bathroom.
Marcus had obviously been in here cleaning up because the broken shards of floor were now gone and the room seemed cleaner.
I advanced to the last stall and was just about to enter when something shiny to the left of the stall caught my eye. I took another step forward to inspect and saw a metal stand with towels, rags, body wash, shampoo and conditioner, razor, toothbrush and toothpaste, even scissors – well, that explained Edward's non grizzly look. He'd obviously been cutting his own hair, and you could see at closer observation that the length wasn't even. And now it made sense why.
I laughed to myself, thinking how apt Marcus was. He made sure Edward had everything he'd need.
I grabbed what I'd need, placing my clean clothing where the shampoo had been on the stand, and entered the shower, closing the tiny strip of a curtain behind me – it was pointless to do, considering nothing I had was concealed by the torn fabric . I stood there stagnant, warring whether I should do this or not. I finally chastised myself, pointing out the longer I took arguing with myself, the longer it would be before I was back with Edward.
I removed my clothing, setting them in a heap outside the stall, and turned the faucet handles, adjusting the temp to my liking. I stepped into the spray, feeling the hot water pelting against my flesh. This place surprisingly had nice water pressure, and it didn't stink like rotten eggs.
God, this shower felt good.
I grabbed the rag, suddsing it up with body wash, and washed my entire body, saving my face for last. I scrunched my eyes shut as I rinsed the soap from my face, wiping my hands over my eyes to remove the water so I could open them to see.
I bent over, grabbing the shampoo. Once I was satisfied that my hair was cleansed enough, I rinsed out the shampoo and repeated the same action with the conditioner.
I stood under the shower head, mind drifting off because I'd become so relaxed in the enclosed heated space.
I envisioned what Edward might be like a month from now. Would he be more open? Would he have already tried to speak with Marcus? Would he move freely through the hospital? Would he still be in the hospital? Would he let me take him outside to show him the sun, the moon and stars? I believed he'd like them once he saw them.
And then I envisioned what I'd like to see. Edward sitting on a bed that was no longer resting on a dirty ground, but inside a home. A real home. Edward smiling openly because it felt natural to do, and not because he had to be encouraged to do so. Edward having consistent normalcy and care in his everyday life. I guess I figured in these visions he'd be living with Marcus. It made sense to envision that outcome.
All these questions and scenarios compiling themselves within my brain, it was normal, what I'd done daily since Edward came into my life. I could distinguish between him and myself, I certainly hadn't lost who I was, but I had changed because of him. I liked to think it was into something better. I think he made me better.
I allowed myself an additional five minutes, maybe ten, to enjoy the feel of the water heating my skin. I reluctantly turned the handles, effectively ending my shower. I gripped the towel off the hook that was embedded in the tiling beside the shower head - it really was a stupid place to put one – and wiped my face, then worked the towel over my body before wrapping it around me.
I was mid-wrap around my body when I heard an audible gasp behind me. I pulled the towel completely closed, then spun around, coming face to face with Edward.
His hands fisted at his side, his eyes wide, mouth parted as he stared at me. I had no doubt he'd seen more of me than I was comfortable with. And at that thought, the color drained from my face.
Why was he here?
How did he know I'd be in here?
Why the hell did I come down here and take a stupid shower to begin with?
I was asking these questions, but was unable to voice them aloud. Why couldn't I speak? I knew it was probably due to the way he was looking at me. And why was he looking at me like that, like he didn't recognize me or was trying to understand something?
I struggled with the part of my brain that controlled my mouth and went to say his name to break the silence and his stare, hoping that what he'd seen hadn't scarred him somehow because I'd managed to not only flash him cleavage, but the back of my naked body… all in one day. My mouth formed the first syllable of his name, yet the sound caught in my throat, falling into the bottomless pit of unspoken words as his hands loosened at his sides, and he began approaching me slowly.
I tried looking downward, to make sure the towel was covering my most intimate parts, but I couldn't control my body. He stopped right in front of me, his eyes still holding mine, face now softened. I tried to understand what I was seeing within them. It wasn't lust or want; that much I could see. But there was something there.
He broke eye contact, his gaze traveling over my face, then moving lower. Normally I'd be self-conscious and put off by a guy openly gaping at me, but somehow, even though he was blatantly looking at me, it didn't feel sexual at all. I knew it wasn't about that. I could tell by the way he stared at me.
"Tão brilhante," he whispered.
What was he saying and in what language?
"So much light." He was now speaking in English.
His eyes continued to roam my body, a far off look upon his face. I was afraid to say anything, knowing if I did he'd probably shrink away, and I wasn't sure I wanted him to stop looking at me right now. I was being selfish, I knew that, but I still wasn't ready for it to end.
What was he doing to me?
He slowly lifted his right hand, stretching it out toward me. My heart started thudding rapidly in my chest, and the breath I was ready to exhale lodged itself within my throat.
His fingers pressed against the flesh covering my heart and he suddenly smiled - his eyes no longer held that distant look. They were once again staring into mine. There was so much emotion there, pulling me in and showing an opening into his soul – which nearly left me winded by what I saw.
He licked his bottom lip, then said, "Eu posso ver seu coração. Ele brilha para mim, Bella."
Tão brilhante = So bright
Eu posso ver seu coração. Ele brilha para mim, Bella = I can see your heart. It shines for me, Bella
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