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Sorry about the delay in posts, loves. I broke my tailbone, so I've been in a lot of pain and writing wasn't something I did much of. Anyway, I'm admittedly nervous about this chapter. Things sorta of took a different route than I initially expected, and this is what came out. I hope it's not too disappointing. Abuse warning is in effect for this chapter.
Lots of love to my wifey, Sophy, and again major props to my biggest TUS pimp, Bbebar. There are many who support and rec TUS, and I hope you know how much you mean to me. Also, to my readers and reviewers, I may not have a chance to answer every review, but I hope you know that I read every one, and how important your words and encouragement are to me. You seriously complete me.
I do not own anything Twilight. It all belongs to SM. No copyright infringement is intended. However, characterizations, plot lines, backgrounds and details of this story are mine. No copying or reproduction without my permission.
Chapter 16:
Angel
You are my angel
Come from way above
To bring me love
Her eyes
She's on the dark side
Neutralize
Every man in sight
To love you, love you, love you ...
You are my angel
Come from way above
To love you, love you, love you ...
Edward's eyes lowered to where his fingers grazed my skin. The spark from his touch surged through my body, making even the tips of my toes tingle. Goosebumps formed across my skin, covering every inch of me.
"Meu anjo," he whispered. "Leva o mal." He gently rubbed his fingers back and forth over my heart.
I had no idea what he said to me, but the words were beautiful, and because they seemed so personal, my eyes closed from the intensity in which they impacted me. I knew whatever he'd just said was mine alone, that he'd never said the words to anyone else. They were meant for only me.
"Edward," I breathed. I didn't realize I was even speaking until the sound of his name hit the air.
His fingers stilled over my heart, and I opened my eyes, meeting his guilt ridden ones. "Bella…I… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have… but your heart, I wanted to touch it and-" He paused shaking his head, then began pulling his hand away.
If he only knew how much he'd already touched my heart.
I gripped his hand in mine, bringing it back to cover my heart with his palm. I wanted him to know it was okay, that he did nothing wrong. "You don't have to be sorry for touching me."
"It's true," he whispered as he stared at the hand placed over my heart.
"What is?"
"About the softness," he murmured. "You can… see it." His eyes met mine again. "I see yours because you are softness. It's your heart, Bella."
I bit my lip hard to keep from shedding the tears that accumulated at the corner of my eyes. He had no idea how much what he said affected me. Affecting me was all Edward seemed to do anymore. Before I realized what I was doing, my hand lifted, reaching for him.
"Can I?" I whispered. I didn't have to finish; he seemed to know what I was asking because he simply nodded.
My fingers skirted over his shirt, stopping at his heart and feeling the rapid thud it made below the skin. His breathing increased the moment my hand palmed over his heart, just as he was doing mine. I watched my hand's movements, but glanced up at his face when I heard the heavy breath escape his mouth.
His eyes locked with mine; the intensity within them made my heart nearly burst from my chest and my own breathing elevate.
"Bella," he whispered. My skin pebbled with goosebumps, a shiver running down my body at the way he said my name.
What was happening to me?
I swallowed thickly, my voice gritty with emotion when I spoke. "You're right."
His brow furrowed as he looked at me in question.
"About the softness," I clarified. "You can see it just like you said. I see it too… inside you." I rubbed my hand in a back and forth motion over his heart. "Inside here."
"I have… softness?" he asked, eyes wide, mouth falling open. He reacted as if what I'd just said was the most shocking thing he'd ever heard.
I nodded, smiling. "More than anyone else I know."
We stood there staring at one another, neither of us saying a word for what felt like hours but was mere minutes. Something was different now. Something shifted between us, but I wasn't positive what it was yet. I only knew we felt different somehow, and I could see in his eyes he felt the same.
I finally broke the silence, shivering as my damp body registered it was cold. "I should…. I need to get dressed."
He blinked a few times, then eyed the stand beside the shower I was in front of where my clothing lay. "Oh… I'm sorry. I shouldn't be-"
"No, it's okay," I assured him. "Just turn around for a minute." I could have told him to leave the room, and I knew he would have, but something inside me told me not to, that he needed me close.
His brow furrowed, but he did as I asked. I stepped around the stall and grabbed my clothing off the stand. I glanced around the wall of the shower that partially shielded me the moment I dropped my towel, seeing his body shiver at the sound of the towel hitting the floor. I wasn't sure if the sound startled him, or if the cause was something else, but I quickly dressed, praying I wouldn't fall flat on my face the entire time.
"Okay," I told him when all my clothing was righted. "You can turn around now."
He turned around slowly, his eyes meeting mine with a look I didn't understand.
"You okay?" I asked, concerned I'd done something to upset him – which was the last thing I ever wanted to do.
He nodded. "I'm okay."
"You ready to go back to the room now?"
He frowned, his body tensing. "You're coming right?"
I smiled. "Of course I am."
My confirmation seemed to ease the tension in his body. I grabbed my dirty clothes and the used towel, carrying them under one arm while I held the other out to him. He willingly placed his hand in mine, and we walked together back to his room.
It wasn't until we stepped inside and I placed my worn clothing in my tote bag that I addressed why he'd been in the bathroom to begin with. "Edward, when you saw me… in the bathroom, why were you there?"
He was still standing near the doorway, eyes focused on the mattress that was empty except for the sheet, pillow and Lancelot spread out on top of it.
"Bad dream," he whispered in a trembling breath. He finally turned his head to look at me. "I had a bad dream, and when I woke up… you were gone. I needed to see you. I don't…. I don't have them when you're here."
I sat down on the mattress, patting the spot beside me. He moved slowly toward me, easing himself beside me as he cautiously gazed down at the bed. It was like he thought because he'd had those dreams, somehow they'd been siphoned into that mattress where they waited to haunt him some more.
I reached for his hand, threading my fingers with his. "Was it about him?"
He nodded.
"It was just a dream. He can't hurt you, okay? I'll never let him hurt you again."
"You were gone," he murmured.
"I'm sorry. I just… I woke up thirsty and clumsily spilled juice on me. That's why I was showering. I felt sticky." I chuckled, hoping to lighten the air around us.
He gave me a small smile, then gazed down at our clasped fingers. "I don't like when you're gone, Bella."
I stared at him, though he wasn't looking back. "I don't like when I'm gone either."
His head lifted, our eyes once again meeting. "I think… I think he waits for when I'm alone." He inhaled sharply, exhaling just as loudly. "He can't…. you keep him away. Meu anjo."
"What does that mean?"
His lips turned up into a genuine smile.
I smiled back. "You're not going to tell me, are you?"
He shook his head, still smiling.
"How did you know to speak another language?" I asked curiously. "I don't even know what language you're speaking."
"Portuguese," he answered. "I had to-" He paused, lowering his eyes to his lap. "I had to learn it if I wanted to eat."
I felt the anger rush through my body. "He made you learn to speak another language or you couldn't eat?" I lowered my voice mid sentence, realizing it increased an octave because of the anger I felt.
"Yes."
"Was he…uh… from Portugal then?"
"No," He shook his head. "But he knew the language well. He was born here, but had family from there."
"But speaking it now, doesn't it remind you of what he did to you?"
His head lifted so that I could once again see those beautiful green eyes. And the way he spoke, there was no sign of animosity. "It's not the language that hurt me, Bella. It's not anything Portuguese that hurt me. I'm thankful to know it."
I nodded. "You're right, I just…" I trailed off, understanding completely how he felt. Though he was forced to learn it, no one could blame the language for the hell he was put through. It was obvious nothing done to him would taint what he found innocent. The blame was solely one person's, and as harsh as it was to think, I hoped he was somewhere paying for all he'd done to Edward. "It's beautiful, what you're saying, even though I'm not sure what it means."
"It is beautiful." He smiled again, and the way he stared at me intensified, causing my body to heat up and my breathing to elevate. "And when you're lucky enough to experience something beautiful… you learn to appreciate it no matter how you came across it."
I was stunned by his words, feeling like he revealed another part of him he kept hidden. I had to look away, hoping he wouldn't see the blush now covering my face and chest. He was so much smarter than he probably realized, but I believed it was a natural intelligence. "I wish I knew what you were saying," I murmured.
He chuckled at my response, and I couldn't help but reciprocate. I loved the sound of his laughter, though the action was far and few between. But when it happened, my God was it the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. I felt it just as well as I heard it, like heated silk gliding across my flesh. And he knew exactly what he was doing by not telling me what he was speaking in Portuguese, but I hoped that someday soon he would.
I started fumbling with the hem of my shirt with my free hand. "So, you know the language well then?"
"I do," he answered.
"How did you…" I sighed before continuing. "How did you learn to speak it?"
He glanced back down to our connected hands. "Mostly books. They… they were translation books. And a few story books. I liked those a lot. But he never helped. I wasn't allowed that. There were a few tapes." His brow furrowed in concentration, like he was searching for the correct wording. "Audio tapes, I think they were. He locked me in the…. I had to listen to them all night."
"Edward," I whispered, squeezing his hand in mine. "Where did he lock you at?"
His hand began trembling in mine, and when he spoke, he sounded disconnected, like he wasn't really beside me but somewhere else. "It was always in the dark. Always cold. And the smell… I-"
His entire body was now trembling, and as much as I was curious as to what the end of that sentence revealed, I feared more for him. His comfort would always come first. "Edward, we don't have to-"
"Even that was too good for me, the dark and the smell. It's what he told me. I had to suffer for her going."
The sting of tears prickled at the corner of my eyes, and the agony in his words made me ache painfully in my chest. No person should ever carry this kind of painful weight, especially over something that was beyond their control, but he was and obviously had been since birth.
I assumed he was speaking about his mother, that Aro blamed him for what happened to her. But I also assumed because of what Edward had said previously she'd died in childbirth. "Edward, you aren't to blame for what happened to your mother. You were just a baby, okay? You weren't responsible for her dying. That sometimes happens in childbirth and that's-"
His head snapped up, the movement actually causing sound. "She didn't die, she left."
"What?" I asked incredulously. It wasn't that I doubted his words I just couldn't believe a mother would leave their child behind like that, especially with a monster like Aro. What could possibly have happened for her to leave? And if she knew the type of man Aro was, how the hell could she leave Edward behind?
"She… she left," he repeated in whisper.
"Why?" I blurted out, angrily. "How could she? How could she just leave like that?"
He flinched at my tone, and I quickly apologized as I squeezed his hand in mine and lowered my voice, assuring him that my anger was not directed at him. He was opening himself to me again, giving parts of him that were painful to remember let alone speak, and he certainly didn't need my anger for those that hurt and abandoned him on top of it.
His voice trembled as he spoke, but came out distanced, almost ghostly. "He said I was the wrong baby. I wasn't what she wanted."
The tears spilled down my cheeks, carrying anger and pain with each drop. "How could anyone not want you?"
"She didn't," he choked out, a single tear rolling down his left cheek. "Aro said she wanted a girl, but got me instead. They couldn't… they could never love me. I was the wrong baby. He made sure I knew." His eyes met mine, and the devastation within them tore at my soul. More tears spilt down his cheeks, dripping off his chin into his lap. "I never asked… for anything. But I… I wanted to be wanted. Even if it was selfish to want it, I did."
I pulled my hand from his and propped myself up on my knees directly in front of him, cupping my hands gently around his face. At first he flinched at my touch, his entire form tensing, but then his body gradually eased and he closed his eyes as I whispered soothing words, leaning further into my touch while I rubbed my thumbs against his jaw. I stared at him, feeling my own hot tears continuously drip down my cheeks as I replayed mentally what he'd just said to me.
"You are wanted, Edward. Don't you see that?" He opened his tear filled eyes, staring back into mine. "You have people who care about you now, who want you in their lives. Marcus cares about you, I care about you. So much. And it's not selfish to want that, to feel wanted by someone." I pleaded with my eyes for him to understand and believe my words.
"You weren't the wrong baby. You did nothing wrong, and even if you had done something wrong, it would never be enough to deserve what was done to you. Never. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. You just have to be yourself. That's all. We all make mistakes, Edward, but those mistakes don't mean we shouldn't be loved. And it should not have mattered whether you were a boy or a girl because you were still theirs, and they should have loved you unconditionally regardless because that's what you deserved from them. That's what every child deserves from their parents.
"It was their responsibility to give you that, to provide everything you'd need to learn and grow in a healthy environment. They never provided that for you. They were the failures, not you. It was never you. Do you understand? They are both to blame, equally. They may not have wanted you, Edward, but you are wanted. You are."
His eyes widened. "I am?"
I nodded, smiling. "You are."
"But they didn't-"
"They didn't deserve you. They never deserved someone like you in their lives. You are too good for them, and-" I paused, removing my right hand to wipe at my tear soaked face before placing it back against his cheek. "You said my heart was softness, but I've never known a heart like yours, Edward, or seen such strength in one person before. They may have broken you physically, but they could never break you spiritually. Look at you. Look how far you've come."
He shook his head. "How can you-"
"Because I can see you," I interrupted.
"But he said-"
"He lied," I stressed, straining to keep my voice from breaking. "You are none of the things he said you were, Edward."
"Then why?" He swallowed thickly, emotion coating his words. "Why didn't they want me, Bella? Why did he… why did he lock me in the dark for being bad?"
"Edward," I cried, completely losing the emotional battle warring within me. "He was the bad one, not you."
"I don't want to be in the dark anymore." More tears spilled down his cheeks as he bare his soul to me.
"You don't have to be," I promised him. "But I need you to let me in. I need you to tell me what he did to you."
His lips trembled, the shaking his body made progressed. "Bella… I-"
"Please," I pleaded. "Please, let me help you. Let me bring you out of the dark."
"Will you… will you stay with me?"
"I won't ever leave you." No words could have ever been truer.
"I'm scared," he admitted.
I knew what he meant by being afraid, because telling me, being that open, that was giving me the power to hurt him if that's what I chose to do. And verbalizing all that he'd been through was opening wounds he tried to camouflage, letting them bleed freely and making him all the more vulnerable. It was going to hurt.
"I know you are, but I won't let anyone hurt you. I swear to you."
He immediately turned his head, causing my hands to drop from his face. He glanced around the room in desperation, obviously in search of something. "I need…I-" His eyes lowered over the bed, locking onto Lancelot who was laying behind me. He reached for him, gripping him tightly in his hands, pulling him to his chest.
His need for Lancelot made sense, considering the bear was the only thing he had as a form of protection and companionship growing up. I believed Edward knew I'd never hurt him, that what I'd promised I meant, but there was still the need to preserve himself, to provide a shield from potential harm, and that shield was Lancelot. His reaction was instantaneous because it was instinctual to him.
I watched him, cradling the bear to him, like that little stuffed animal could hold him afloat, wrap around him and lock out what aimed to harm him. And seeing Edward now, knowing he was a survivor, I had no doubt whatever faith he put in Lancelot, it's what helped pull him through the hell he'd lived in. That knowledge was enough to make me love that stuffed animal even more, because through him, no matter how miniscule it might have been, Edward was still able to have hope.
"He helped you, didn't he?" Edward's head lifted, brow furrowing in question. I pointed to Lancelot so he'd understand my meaning. "Lancelot helped you."
He nodded, gazing down at the bear, speaking barely above a whisper. "Sometimes it was too much, the pain. Going away with him inside my head was the only way I could handle the pain." He exhaled a shuddered breath. "It never hurt there."
I swallowed against the bile rising in my throat. "When you… when you went away with Lancelot, was Aro… was he hurting you?"
"Yes."
I bit my lip painfully as the ache in my chest traveled through my body. "Did he hurt you a lot?"
He was silent for the longest time, and I was unsure as to whether he'd give me an answer, but he finally spoke softly, though his eyes looked beyond me and never at me. "Every day."
Anger and devastation flooded my veins. "He hit you every day?"
"It wasn't always with his fist, but mostly. There's more to pain than just physical," he explained. His eyes held that glassy look, like he was once again lost in memory.
"So he said awful things to you too?"
"He always said things. He always hit. I had to be punished." He squeezed Lancelot tighter. "I took his love away. I made her leave him so I wasn't allowed to have it. Eye for an eye."
"Oh God," I cried, my stomach turning angrily. "How could he? You were just a baby. You were an innocent baby, Edward. You didn't take his love away, she did."
His eyes finally met mine, glistening with unshed tears and long held defeat. "But she left because of me. I did that, Bella. Me. Why did I have to be this?" He gestured over himself with his hand, his quivering lip altering his speech. "Why did I have to turn out wrong?"
Nothing in the world could have stopped me from going to him and wrapping my arms around him. And nothing did. I sat beside him, wrapping my arms around him and Lancelot, vowing to do whatever I had to do to heal the broken pieces Aro left him in.
"There's nothing wrong with you." I leaned back just enough to look at him, but kept my arms around him. "Look at me, Edward." He made no movement. "Please, look at me." He slowly lifted his head to make eye contact. "There's nothing about you that's wrong. Do you wanna know why I know that, why I feel that in my heart?"
He just stared at me and regardless of whether he answered or not, I was going to tell him, make him understand. "I know because when I'm away from you all I want to do is be here with you. When I'm here, I may be in this old hospital where it's mostly dark, in a small room, but here with you is where I'm happiest. I want to be here, Edward. Do you think I'd feel these things, want to be here every day if there was something wrong with you? I'm here and feel what I feel because of you.
"Someone bad wouldn't be able to make me feel this way. Someone bad couldn't make me care about them. And I care, Edward. I care a lot." He inhaled sharply, closing his eyes as tears fell down his cheeks. Maybe what I said was too much, maybe what I said wasn't enough. I wasn't sure, but it's what felt right. "So does Marcus. Your parents, they were sick people. You had to pay for their sickness, and that breaks my heart. Everything that was done to you, it hurts my heart."
"I never want your heart to hurt… Bella," he whispered.
"I know," I told him. "And someone who was bad wouldn't feel that way. They wouldn't care about someone else's heart. But you do, and that's how I know there's nothing wrong with you. It's also how I know that my heart won't stop hurting until yours does."
"I don't know how to make it stop."
I placed my hand along his right cheek, smiling at him through my tears. "We'll figure that out together."
It was then he asked me to stay again because he didn't want to be alone. And I knew I would, because the idea of leaving him, being away from him at all, I didn't like the way it made me feel inside. I promised him I would stay, but I had to leave for just a little while.
It took some time to explain to him that just like the day before for me to be able to stay overnight with him I had to leave for just a little while to make that happen. He didn't like the idea of me leaving, not at all, but he understood because he knew I was coming back.
I promised him I'd be quick, but I wouldn't be leaving until I knew Marcus was there so he wouldn't be alone. He asked me once again to thank Marcus for the iPod and clothing, and I assured him I would.
I knew when I came back what would happen, or at least what I hoped would happen. I wanted him to tell me more about his life before ending up at the hospital. Growing up, those around me always said talking about your problems, your pain and fears, it was cleansing. They said it was a means to heal your heart and soul. It's what my father did with Emmett and me when my mother passed away.
I wasn't sure if Edward telling me everything would be at all healing for him, but I hoped that might be the case. It made sense anyway, considering all the Psychiatrists in the world. I certainly wasn't qualified, but that didn't mean I couldn't be helpful, that I couldn't be what he needed. I mean, he'd already changed so much in the time I'd been coming to see him, and he was talking a lot more. I had to be doing something right for him.
So when Marcus showed up, still visibly sick, I told him I'd be back so he wouldn't have to stick around too long. I did as I promised, thanking him for Edward. And even though he was most definitely sick, Marcus's face lit up as I told him. That was another moment discovered in this hospital that I'd always cherish.
When I finally arrived at Alice's, she seemed a bit put off that I was running late. I knew I was neglecting our friendship, and I felt terrible about that, but as terrible as I felt, Edward needed me, and I couldn't feel guilty about being there for him.
But I apologized to her anyway, giving her a big hug and telling her I missed her. She giggled and pulled me by the arm, taking me around the room to introduce me to guests. I briefly exchanged words with Mr. and Mrs. Cullen.
"How are you, Bella?" Carlisle asked. "We don't see much of you anymore?"
"I've been working a lot," I explained.
"Oh, right," he said, nodding. "At that old mental hospital. Alice told us all about it."
"Umm… yeah." My response wasn't that articulate, but I was sort of in a hurry to speak to Alice then leave.
Esme laughed. "You girls go on ahead and enjoy the party."
Alice and I both nodded before heading off to other groups of people in the room.
I made sure to make a few rounds, talking to people, paying some attention to Alice before I pulled her off to the side. "I need to talk to you. Can we go upstairs to your room?"
She eyed me curiously, but nodded. "Yeah, sure. You okay?"
"I'm fine. I just need to talk to you for a minute."
We headed up to her room, and I immediately went to the bed, sitting on the edge. "I can't stay tonight."
"What?" she asked, irritation in her voice. "Bella, you promised."
"I know I did, but I can't."
"Let me guess," she said sarcastically. "The mystery man, right?"
I sighed. "Alice, I know you're upset with me, but he needs-"
"He's not the only one that needs you, Bella," she interjected. "But he seems to be the only one who gets you anymore."
"Alice," I started. "It's not like that, it's just-"
"Complicated? Yeah, I've been told that already."
"Don't be mad at me," I pleaded. "I'm not doing this to hurt you. I wish I could explain."
"You can explain, and you're going to." She stood grounded in front of me, hands on her tiny hips. "This whole complicated speech isn't working anymore, Bella. "
"Alice, it's just I can't-"
"No," she shook her head, holding her hand up in front of her in a stop gesture. "You're not leaving until we talk about this. If you're worried about me blabbing to anyone, you should know by now I'd never do that. I've already lied for you once so you could stay with this guy. I'm asking for some honesty, Bella, because all you've seemed to do lately is blow me off and leave me in the dark, yet when you ask for my help I give it to you with little to no information. I deserve to know more than the situation just being complicated."
"You're right," I agreed, running my hands nervously through my hair as the tears once again made a grand entrance. "And this has been eating me up inside. It's hard carrying this on my own, but if there's anyone I can trust, it's you." I think part of me knew talking to Alice would happen once I came to see her.
She sat down beside me, the anger upon her face now morphed to concern. "You can trust me. I promise you can. So what is it, Bella? What's going on?"
I stared straight ahead, knowing if I looked directly at her I'd completely lose my already weak composure. "There is a guy, just like I told you there was. And I told you his situation was bad. But bad, well, that's an understatement. He was physically abused by his father up until seven years ago. And the abuse, the things that were done to him, Alice, just knowing would permanently scar you. I have that inside my head, knowing things that were done to him. I can't tell you how much it hurts knowing what was done to him.
"He's so afraid of everything. He was afraid of me for awhile, but it's different now. I'm the only one he'll let near him, the only one he lets inside at all. But when he lets me in, Alice, it's amazing. He's got a beautiful heart. I've seen him smile, heard him laugh, and I've caused those reactions from him. You have no idea how much it meant to see that, to know that it was because of me he experienced something happy. Because Lord knows he's barely had any." I continued talking about him, about things I'd kept hidden until now - though I still remained scarce in giving certain information and detail - staring ahead, lost in my thoughts of Edward. "I want him to be able to walk away from that place and live life fully. I want him to smile all the time. I don't want him to constantly look over his shoulder out of fear of what might be waiting to hurt him.
"I want so much for him. And today when he asked me to stay, I couldn't tell him no. He needs me, and I can't walk away from him. It's just not possible now."
I heard her gasp to the right of me, and my head immediately snapped her direction, seeing her hand covering her mouth, her eyes wide in shock.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
She uncovered her mouth, whispering as she spoke. "You didn't, Bella?"
"Didn't what?" What was her problem?
"Oh, my God, you did." She gasped again.
At this point I was becoming impatient and aggravated. "Enough with the cryptic talk already, Alice. What did I do?"
She shook her head, her tongue clicking together a few times. I was just about to the point of screaming at her to tell me what the hell her problem was when she crossed her arms against her chest, looking smug, like she'd come to some shocking revelation that no one else was privy to but her. "You can't tell me you don't already know. Seriously, Bella, are you that blind?"
"Blind about what?" I growled.
"Gee, I don't know," she laughed. "The fact that you're in love with him."
My mouth dropped open, eyes nearly bulging out of my head. "I'm what?"
Leva o mal = You take away the bad
Meu anjo = My angel
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