Chapter Seventeen - Realize

"Innocence"

I found a place so safe, not a single tear

The first time in my life and now it's so clear

Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here

It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere

I wouldn't change a thing about it

This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant

I hope that it will stay

This moment is perfect

Please don't go away

I need you now

And I'll hold on to it

Don't you let it pass you by

“I’m what?” I repeated.

She smiled. “You’re in love with him. You know it, and I know it.”

“No, Alice,” I shook my head furiously. “I can’t be in love with him.”

“Well, you are.” She stated it so matter of fact, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Maybe it was… to her. I guess maybe deep down I knew, but I tried to deny it. Denial seemed easier, more manageable. When I could focus solely on him and not deal with myself, I could pretend certain things didn’t exist. I suppose subconsciously I felt I needed to do that to be able to face him without seeming different. My falling in love with Edward was certainly something he didn’t need right now. He already had enough to deal with, and he didn’t need my feelings to complicate things more.

Alice and I continued talking about Edward until I couldn’t talk anymore. By the time I finished speaking, my clothing was waterlogged from tears, she knew everything, and I was emotionally exhausted. I’d never felt so opened up.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I blurted out, tears leaving my skin a blotched mess of runny mascara as they traveled down my cheeks. It was the first time that I openly admitted that I wasn’t sure if I knew what I was doing, that I didn’t know if what I’d already done to help Edward was enough in the grand scheme of things. I didn’t know if I was enough. I was questioning myself and my ability to help him, but talking to Alice after holding all this in for so long unraveled me, making me really see what I’d been trying not to. Edward needed more.

I wanted to believe I was healing him somehow, even if it was only a small fraction. I think I was, but there was so much in depth pain buried inside of him, I wondered if I’d barely even scratched the surface. My feelings kept me from being objective about him because I wanted to believe I could do it on my own. I realized I was being naïve, and in doing so, I was being selfish.

She reached for my hand, giving me a warm smile. “Bella, you reached out to him, he reached back. From what you’ve told me about him, that’s a big deal. You did that. You made that happen. And personally, I think the fact that you love him was the catalyst for what he’s overcome.”

“Yeah, but is loving him enough?” I questioned. “And I worry that the way I feel about him might do more harm than good, especially now.”

She stared at me incredulously. “Why would you say that? Why would you think loving him would be harmful to him? Look what loving him has already done. Maybe if he knew or-”

“No,” I interrupted, shaking my head. “I can’t tell him how I feel about him.”

“Why not? Maybe that’s what he needs. Maybe he needs something solid to hold to.”

“That’s just it,” I stressed. “You don’t know Edward like I do. If he knew I loved him, he’d feel obligated to do what he felt I wanted him to, maybe even reciprocate those feelings toward me. And if he couldn’t feel that way because of how broken he is inside that would be one more thing he’d take on himself. One more thing he could say he was to blame for. One more failure of his. That’s not what I want.

“I don’t want him to feel like he has to give me anything because I feel the way I feel. I’m so afraid if he pushes too hard to get better, he’ll fold in on himself and fall deeper inside his own head, and then I’d lose him. I’m not too stupid to realize his recovery is going to take time, lots of time, and he doesn’t need the fact that I’ve fallen in love with him hanging over his head as a distraction. And it would be. I can’t put that kind of pressure on him, Alice. I don’t want him to want to get better because of me. I want him to want to do it for himself. This is about him, not me. It’s only ever been about him.”

“I understand what you’re saying, sweetie, but I think you’re wrong.” I turned my head to look at her and wiped the tears that marred my vision. “I do, and I may be wrong, because as you pointed out, I don’t know him like you do. That’s true, but I imagine he’s lonely. Even though you’re there with him, he’s still lonely inside, Bella. He’s probably more lonely than you or I could ever know, and that has got to leave him feeling empty. He’s been in that place for so long and managed to keep enough sanity to function, to even be able to come along as far as he has. To be able to do that, it shows how strong he is. He’s overcome a lot from what you’ve told me.  But through all of this, he’s never had someone to care or love him… well, not until now. I know you said that Marcus guy cares, but nothing he’s done has ever been one-on-one with Edward. So don’t you think he’d want to know, want to feel that? You said he pleads with you stay. Why do you think he does that, Bella?” She paused, possibly waiting for me to answer her. I shrugged in response, sniffling. “You wanna know what I think?”

I nodded, because I did want to know. I needed someone to shed some light for me, to help me understand what I should do next because I honestly didn’t know.

“This is only my opinion, and I could be way off base, but I’m going off what you’ve told me, okay?” I nodded again, mouthing ‘Okay’. “You’re the first person in his life that didn’t try to hurt him, the first person who willingly and intentionally cared. When someone is hurting, when they have a lot of emotional pain and scarring, it’s frightening to experience that because it’s warm and it’s unfamiliar. Change is terrifying. Change of that level can cause hope, and having hope causes them to become vulnerable, but if it’s taken away, well, I’m sure you can imagine with a history like he has what that could do to him? We don’t know all the specifics, but what we do know is horrible. I think you give him hope, Bella, and as much as that frightens him, he’s realized he still needs it. He needs you, you need him, and if he knew how you felt about him, maybe he wouldn’t feel so alone. That’s something that connects you on the same level.”

“It’s not the same,” I shook my head. “Because he doesn’t love me, Alice.”

“How do you know that?” she questioned.

“I just do.”

“No, you’re just assuming. And I don’t think you’re giving him enough credit, either.” She stood from the bed, huffing. She turned around abruptly, placing a hand against her hip. “I know you, Bella, and I know this is more than just your feelings being a distraction for him. This also has to do with the fact that if you tell him how you feel about him, that makes you vulnerable too. Telling him or not won’t change how you feel. It’s not going to change the fact that you love him. I think you’re completely misplaced on both accounts, but who am I to tell you what to do? He’s never had love, you said so yourself. You said you discussed it. But maybe he wants love, Bella, and maybe he wants it from you. You’re his warmth, remember? If he didn’t feel anything at all, then why does he feel that way about you?”

I was hoping her words would give me more insight, but I was still as confused as ever. “I don’t know,” I told her.

“What is this really about? Do you think he’s not capable of understanding or loving you back?”

“That’s not it at all,” I answered immediately, harsher than I intended. “He’s not handicapped, Alice. I believe he can do anything. I do. My concern has nothing to do with his capabilities because I know he’s as capable as you or I. He’s smart, he is, but he needs time. I worry about pushing him too far too fast and overwhelming him. I want him to be able to join the rest of the world, function like I know he can, but it’s not going to happen overnight.  I just don’t think telling him I’m in love with him is the right thing right now, especially to clear my conscience. I’ve been selfish enough where he’s concerned.”

“Do you hear yourself?” She actually sounded angry at me. “Do you hear what you’re saying? I don’t think anything you’ve done regarding him is selfish. How many people our age would have even bothered with him, Bella? Not any I know. They wouldn’t have given him a second look, not unless they were making him out to be some kind of freak show or worse. But you did. After everything that happened, you went back to that place and you befriended him. You cared enough to, which is a hell of a lot more than anyone else ever did for him. You say he’s capable, so do you not think that he understands that? He knows you’re different, and he seems to trust you, Bella. My God, that has got to be hard for him to do, but you made it happen.

“And you’re over analyzing everything you’ve done, picking it apart, making it out to be something it’s not.  You’re taking away from what you’ve given him, which is a chance. Jesus, Bella, be proud of yourself for that, and don’t be afraid to listen to your heart either, because love is more powerful than you realize.”

I laughed, wiping away stray tears. “How did you get to be so smart?”

She shrugged, giggling. “Well, I guess being the daughter of a doctor has its perks. You learn a lot.”

“I’ll say,” I agreed. “You got all intelligent and philosophical on me. I was about to ask who you were and where you were hiding my best friend.”

She bounced where she stood, her short black hair swaying with her movements. She looked utterly goofy, which was completely Alice. “I did sound pretty intelligent, didn’t I? Sometimes I’m just that good.”

She patted herself on the back, causing us both to laugh. After a moment, she sat down beside me again. “But I do agree that you can’t do it on your own. Maybe… maybe if we go talk to my dad and-”

I cut her off, speaking sharper than I meant to. “No.”

Her eyes widened at my tone, confusion settling on her features. “But you said-”

“I’m not saying no for good, Alice,” I explained. “That’s not what I’m doing. I just... there are some things I need to do first. I know what I need to do, but I can’t just toss him in blindly, you know? I need him to understand he has that option, and that I think it’s the best one for him.”

“Bella, with what you’ve told me about him, do you really think he’d go along with it right now?”

“He will,” I assured her. “I just need some time to make him understand, but I also need a little more time to prepare him.”

She eyed me quizzically. “What do you mean prepare him?”

“I know that he needs to… uh… see someone, but I’m not just going to hand him over. I won’t let anyone put him in a mental institution. He’s not insane, he’s not dangerous, he’s just introverted or whatever you call it. But he’s changing, he’s opening up, and I want him to be a little more comfortable. I will have a stipulation when I talk to your father, and if he can’t agree to it, I won’t let him anywhere near Edward. No matter what, I won’t let Edward be put away.”

“I don’t think he’d do that, Bella.”

“I can’t take that chance, Al. So until he gives me that guarantee, I won’t tell him where Edward is and you can’t either.” Her brow furrowed, and she gaped at me as if I’d offended her. “I mean it, Alice. I’m not saying you’d do that, but what I’ve told you has to stay between us. Just for a little while longer. I’m not going to change my mind about talking to your dad, but I just need a little more time. I need to talk to Marcus about this too. He has just as much right to be a part of this as I do. Regardless of the fact that Edward hasn’t opened up to him personally, Marcus has been in his life the last seven years and he loves Edward. He does. And I know he’d do anything for Edward, so not including him wouldn’t be right. I won’t do that to him.”

“I understand. I won’t say anything, I promise.” I took a deep breath, feeling a bit lighter since I’d finally talked to someone. I knew I could have talked to Marcus, but it wasn’t the same. Alice had been my best friend for as long as I could remember, and it meant a lot being able to tell her about Edward. I could say things to her that I couldn’t say to Marcus, and honestly, I just really needed her.

“Bella?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me about Edward.” She fidgeted with the hem of her shirt as she spoke. “I know I was upset about the fact that we weren’t talking as much, but I understand now, and I think what you’ve done, what you’re doing, it’s a good thing. Edward’s gonna be okay and things will work out. I just know it.”

“I hope so, Alice. I really hope so.”

***

After everyone cleared out of the Cullen home and Esme and Carlisle headed to bed, Alice helped me sneak out. She gave me a quick hug, wishing me luck, then I made my way back to the hospital in my truck. Had Esme or Carlisle known that I was positively staying, I’d have walked. It was never technically stated whether I’d stay with Alice, it was just assumed.

When I entered the boiler room, Marcus was sitting on a stool in front of the bench, bent over while his head rested atop the wooden table part of the bench. He appeared to be sleeping.  I walked up behind him and lightly tapped him on the back.  “Marcus, hey, you awake?”

He stirred a moment, then sat upright. He’d definitely been sleeping. “Hey, Bella, I must have fallen asleep. I didn’t even realize.” He suddenly glanced toward the blanketed door leading to Edward. “Is he okay? Did something happen?”

“I just got back,” I told him. “But I’m sure he’s fine.” He gazed at the door a little longer, then his eyes finally met mine. His face looked a little pale, and he appeared extremely tired. It was obvious he was pretty sick. “I still plan to be here for the night, so you can go on home.”

He turned his head, coughing. “You… sure,” he said between coughs.

I hated seeing Marcus so sick. I wished there was something I could do to make him better. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” he answered.

“I mean, are you really okay?”

He covered his mouth as he faced me, choking back a cough. “It’s just the flu, Bella. Honestly. I promise.”

“You’d tell me, right?” I shifted on my feet, trying to hide the worry on my face and in my voice. “I mean, if something were really wrong? You’d tell me, wouldn’t you?”

His brow furrowed as he stared at me, mentally contemplating something. “I know you worry about me, but you don’t have to. I appreciate it, even though I’m not used to it. I can promise you that this, what I have, it’s nothing more than a bug. If I were really sick, I would tell you. I would do that because of that boy in there. If something were to happen to me, I want him to have everything that’s mine, and I don’t trust anyone to make that happen but you.”

I stared at him in awe. He caught my expression and paused for a moment, staring at the floor. “There’s no one else, you know, for me to leave anything to. And I guess even if there were, I’d still leave it all to the boy. I don’t plan on checking out anytime soon, but no one knows when it’s their time. We just never know.  But if anything were to happen to me, and I’m not saying anything will because there’s nothing wrong with me, but if there were, I need you to make sure he’s taken care of; that everything I have goes to him.”

“You know I would, but how am I-”

“It’s already been taken care of,” he interjected. “I’ve had a will drawn up, naming you the beneficiary. I can’t outright leave it to him, not knowing his information, but I know you’ll do what needs to be done.”

“How did you-”

He chuckled, a cough following. “I’m resourceful when I need to be, Bella.” His expression changed, becoming serious, eyes pleading with mine. “But this is important to me. Promise me you’ll take care of it if anything happens to me?”

“I’ll take care of it,” I promised. There was no hesitation to my response.

 His features softened as he was now visibly at ease. “Thank you.”

“But you promise nothing’s wrong, right?” I had to ask one more time to be sure.  Marcus had become a part of my life, too, and the idea of something happening to him, it was something I didn’t want to think about.

He nodded, staring me straight in the eyes. “I’m afraid you’ll be stuck with me a bit longer. It’s just the flu, okay? I won’t lie to you, Bella. You’ve… you’ve become important, too.” His eyes shifted toward the floor again. “You and the boy, you’re the only people in my life. I could never lie to you. I made mistakes in the past, and that cost me people who should have mattered. I just won’t… it won’t happen again.”

I turned my head, wiping at the tears that fell down my cheek. “I know you won’t, Marcus.”

“Hey. No tears, okay?” He smiled at me, but the smile was cut short by a cough. “Go… go on now.” He pointed toward the door and told me through a fit of coughing he’d already set Edward’s dinner just inside the blanketed doorway, and that he was going home to get back in bed. I hated the idea of him being alone, but I certainly couldn’t be in two places at once, and regardless of how we were doing emotionally or physically, Marcus and I would always agree Edward came first. But I made sure to thank him and told him to get lots of rest because I expected him back as soon as possible with a full recovery. He laughed and waved me off.

I entered the hallway leading to Edward’s room. I noticed the tray of food was not sitting there, so he’d obviously come to get it. I smiled to myself, pleased that he’d apparently not waited on me to eat. It had gotten late, and I hated the idea of him sitting there uncomfortable and hungry.

I moved down the hall, and paused as I stood in the doorway, my heart fluttering in my chest while my eyes blurred with unshed tears. I was so used to him sitting in the corner of the room, his corner, but he was lying on the bed, arms under his head, staring up at the ceiling. I couldn’t describe in words how much seeing him laying there on a bed affected me. He still had so much to overcome, I knew that, but he’d already overcome a lot in the past month. He’d grown considerably, and my God, did it make my heart swell with joy. As soon as I stepped further into the room, he sat upright, immediately focusing on me.

“Hey you,” I told him. The words came out scratchy, so I cleared my throat to rid the emotion built up there.

“It’s late. I’m surprised you’re still awake.”

“I was waiting for you,” he whispered.

I smiled. “You were?”

He nodded.

“You didn’t have to do-”

“I wanted to,” he added quickly.

Up until today I was able to close myself off, deny there was more to what I felt than just caring enough to help him, but by allowing myself to admit exactly what he meant to me, I opened myself completely to those feelings and they were consuming. Just knowing that he waited for me, hearing that he wanted to, made my heart swell with love. It was so intense it nearly buckled me at the knees. How had I managed to conceal this until now?

God, it was such a casual thing, staying awake for someone, yet it meant more to me than anything else. They say the little things matter, and I didn’t realize until now the absolute truth to that.  I believed it was because it’s the little things that people tend to forget or take for granted, but it’s those little things that say so much.

Yet, even though I knew I loved him, felt it pulsing through every nerve, bone, muscle in my body, saturating my entire insides, I didn’t know if I could tell him. I felt as if I was walking on glass, and I had to be careful of my steps, my choices. I had no idea if knowing would be good for Edward, and all I wanted was to do right by him.

Would he want to know? Would it frighten him to the point he shut down? Would he pull away from me? Would he wonder if I expected the same in return? Would he feel obligated to me? Could he really want me to love him like Alice suggested? All these thoughts running rampant inside my head as I stood there staring at him.

His brow furrowed, obviously confused by why I was unmoving. “Bella?”

I blinked at the sound of my name, forcing down the thoughts, forcing down the emotion. I may be able to stay afloat of my feelings just enough for his benefit, but the possibility of burying my love for him was not probable anymore. It was out there, stripping me open and leaving me bare, and he didn’t even know it. But as much as I loved him, I couldn’t let it get in the way of what he needed or what I needed to be for him.

“I’m alright,” I told him. “I was… I was just thinking.”

“What about?” he asked as he sat up fully.

“Oh, how nice it was to see you lying on that bed when I walked in here,” I smiled. “I was right, that bed does suit you.”

He smiled as he glanced down toward his lap. “It’s… comfortable.”

“That’s good, though.” I moved toward the bed, sitting beside him. “You should always be comfortable.”

“I never was…” he paused, shaking his head, whispering the last of his sentence. “… until now.”

I was situating myself on the mattress, but stopped to face him. Even in the dim lighting I could see the brightness of his eyes. I had to look away before I did something I shouldn’t, like gasp or gawk at him in a way that would make him uncomfortable; especially since I was seated right next to him.

“Are you… okay?” he questioned. Jesus, he had to have seen how I turned away from him so abruptly. I told myself I wouldn’t let my feelings alter how I treated him, and I was already doing it. I was making mistakes. I’d either show too much or push too far back, distancing myself out of fear that I was being transparent. Truth was, I had no idea how to form a line in between the two, but I needed to figure it out quickly. For all I knew, he might be thinking he’d done something wrong, and that was certainly not the case.

“I’m fine. I just… it bothers me knowing that you’d never slept on a bed before now.” I forced myself to look at him.

“I had what he felt I needed.”

“Which was what? Rotten food, being beaten every day, called horrible names? That’s what he felt you needed?” He flinched at my words, making me feel terrible. My anger wasn’t meant for him. “Edward, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… it’s just that I’m so angry at Aro for what he did to you.  You have such a gentle soul, and for someone to do to you what he did to you, it just… it…”

“Hurts your heart?” he offered.

I nodded. “It does.” I reached for his hand, gripping it within mine. The electric warmth surged from his hand to mine, rippling its way through my body.

He gripped my hand tightly. “Seu coração é quente demais para ser machucado.”

“I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what you just said, will you?” I laughed. He just smiled. “I figured not. You know, I think you do that on purpose because you know I don’t know what you’re saying.”

He chuckled, the sound gliding over my skin and sending shivers down my body. “It’s not bad.”

“I know,” I whispered. I said what I said because I did know. “It’s beautiful.”

He nodded, his smile growing. “Muito belo.”

“Yep, you’re doing that on purpose,” I teased.

His laughter rang through the room, the sound nearly bringing tears to my eyes.  If there was one sound in the world I could choose to go to sleep to and wake up to, it would be Edward’s laughter.

He seemed so carefree right now, and though I knew we needed to continue our discussion from earlier and I needed to talk to him about seeing Carlisle, I couldn’t take away the happiness he seemed to be feeling. I’d wait until the morning. He’d had so little to smile about for so long, he deserved this.

“So, what did you do while I was gone?”

He shrugged. “I just sat here.”

“You know, I was just thinking about something.” His gaze seemed to intensify. He was completely focused on what I was saying. “Even though I don’t like it, I can’t always be here. I have to go home too, so I thought-”

The smile fell, and his body seemed to tense as his expression was replaced by a look of desperation. “Are you… are you leaving?”

“No,” I replied immediately. “I’m staying here with you tonight like I promised.” The tension eased, and he exhaled in relief. “But you know I can’t stay every night. As much as I’d like to, I can’t and we both have to be prepared for that, okay?”

He sighed, the disappointment palpable. “Okay.”

“You know I’ll always come back, right? I mean, even if I don’t stay overnight, I’ll always come back to you.”

“Yes… it’s just-” He glanced around the room, like somewhere hidden in the walls was the words he was trying to say.

“You just what?”

His grip on my hand increased further. “I feel better when you’re here.” I started to tell him that I understood what he meant because I did too when he spoke up again, whispering his words. “I’m not… alone.”

There it was, the very word I hated coexisting in the same sentence as Edward, let alone being spoken from his lips. That word, besides my feelings toward him, was the reason it was so difficult to leave him at any point in time. I never wanted him to feel alone. “I know it doesn’t make sense me saying that you aren’t alone when you’re sitting in this room by yourself, but you aren’t. No matter what, you won’t be alone again. I need you to know that. I’m always going to be here, and nothing will ever change that. It’s just not a possibility.”

“Why?” he asked. 

“Why, what?”

“Why isn’t it a possibility?”

That was such a loaded question. I knew why I couldn’t stay away from him. The words were there, inside my head, but I couldn’t allow my lips to say them.  I glanced down at our hands as I answered.“It’s just not.”

“Bella?” The way he spoke my name, it was like he was pleading with me for an answer. He exhaled a shaky breath, his words coming out broken. “You… you don’t have to… feel sorry for me.”

My head snapped up, my eyes finding his. “Oh God, Edward, that’s not why I’m here. It’s not. It’s never been about that. It’s you. Do you understand what I’m saying?” He shook his head. “I’m not sure if I can say this right, if it’ll make sense.”

“Try.” There he was, pleading again, and I knew I couldn’t tell him no.

I bit my lip, running my free hand through my hair nervously. “It… I come back every day, I stay here overnight, all because of you. Even if…uh… things had been different in your life, you’d never had the things happen that Aro caused, I’d still want to be here with you.  It’s what’s inside of you, the person you are. That’s why I’m here. That’s why I can’t stay away.”

He shifted above the mattress, but didn’t let go of my hand, though his eyes now stared ahead of him. “You’d want to be here with me even if I was right?”

“What do you mean by that? About you being ‘right’?”

“I’m not whole, Bella. I… there’s things missing in me.”

I angled my body toward him, pulling on his hand to get him to look at me. “But you can be. You can be whole. And there’s nothing missing in you. You went through something traumatic, seen and experienced things no one should have to and no matter who you are that kind of trauma will affect you. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, Edward. People handle traumatic experiences differently, and you endured yours far longer than most people. And to go from that to living in an abandoned hospital alone for so long and still be completely sane, Edward, that shows how strong you are. You’re so strong, and you don’t see it.  You’ve come so far already. That’s one of your gifts, you know? You have strength unlike any I’ve seen. I’m in awe of you.”

His eyes widened in shock. “You are?”

I nodded, smiling. “I am.”

And just like that, the spark I’d seen in his eyes shortly after I’d walked in the room was back. The smile was again turning up his lips. I’d do anything for that smile.

“I was thinking,” I started. “That you need some things to do when I’m not here. I know you read, so I thought I’d bring you some books, even some cards. I can show you how to play some card games I know. They’re really fun. And, of course, we’ll keep that iPod loaded with music and charged. We can’t let you go without your music.”

“Thank you,” he whispered, and I knew in my heart it was for more than just what I’d offered.

“You’re welcome.”

He started asking me about card games, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm to learn. I promised him I’d grab cards the next time I went home. I even mentioned bringing board games we could try. He asked me about when I left, and though I’d left out my discussion with Alice about him for now, I did tell him I’d gone to see her. I explained about open houses and why people have them. He was ever curious, hanging onto my every word. He even asked me about mine. Of course, I’d yet to have my own and wasn’t looking forward to it or the attention, but it mattered to Charlie so I’d manage.

We talked for at least an hour, maybe two, when he started yawning. He lay back against the mattress, so comfortably, once again placing his arms under his head. I lay down beside him, practically lying on top of Lancelot.

“Oops,” I laughed. I reached underneath me with my right arm and pulled him from beneath me. “Well, hey there, Lancelot.” Of course he didn’t respond. I snickered to myself even thinking about it. I glanced over at Edward, seeing that he was watching me intently with a smile on his face.

I turned back to Lancelot and continued our one-way conversation. “I feel pretty bad about the fact that I haven’t spent much time with you lately, especially since I’ve been here more often than usual. I hope you can forgive me.” I pulled his face down toward my right ear. “What’s that?” I waited a moment, pretending he was speaking to me. “Oh, really? You’ll only forgive me if I bring you some of the peanut butter chocolate chip cookies I made Edward? Well, I guess I-”

My words were cut off by the sound of laughter right beside me. It was so close that I could feel the warmth of his breath on my skin, both the sound and sensation causing goosebumps to prickle across my body mercilessly. I started turning my head instinctively, and as I turned my head, I felt something warm and fleshy drifting along my skin, ending at my lips.

It was Edward’s mouth.

Edward had scooted closer during my interaction with Lancelot, and his mouth had been on my skin and was now grazing my lips.

We were face to face, eyes staring wide into one another’s, lips grazing each other’s. My breathing hitched as did his. And then I saw his eyes close and felt his body tremble as his lips moved, whispering against mine, “So warm.”

I knew I should pull back, though I wanted to push forward. His lips were right there, touching mine, and I admittedly wanted more. It was wrong to want more, I told myself this, but I couldn’t pull away. It wasn’t intentional, our lips touching. I knew he hadn’t meant to, but I couldn’t focus on anything but his warm breath, the softness of his lips and the fact that as I inhaled, I could smell so clearly the scent that was all Edward because we were nose to nose. And the delicious current of energy flowing from his lips to mine, it had me nearly whimpering.  And before I could rationalize that I should indeed move back, that making any kind of noise could frighten him, he pressed forward.

Edward was kissing me.