Stalkerella and the Case of Misinterpreted Love and Insanity

Oh. My. God! I screamed.

There were new pictures of the enigmatic, drool-worthy, actor/musician Edward Cullen posted on Socialife[dot]com. I'd spent the better part of my trip to Los Angeles searching him out. I'd googled every location he'd been spotted and came up empty handed when I went to each place to see if I could spot him. If I wasn't searching for him, I was looking him up on every site imaginable. He was my life, my reason for being, and every time I missed my opportunity I literally cried myself to sleep those nights. Being in love could be a real bitch sometimes, but I was all about the bigger picture.

I knew internally that man was aching for me he just didn't know it yet. I was his Cinderella, and he was my Prince Charming. We were destined to be together. It was fated like all that other fairytale, gum drop, rainbow shit.

Though my parents had told me my obsession had gotten out of hand, I didn't care. I constantly heard, "Bella, you're too old for this shit. It'll never happen, let the dream go. He's an actor, and you're just a Hooters girl. Move on to something that's actually attainable." As if. And I certainly wasn't just a small town of Nebraska's Hooters girl. I was a twenty-four year old woman who knew exactly what she wanted. For fuck sake, he was all over my bedroom walls, dresser, nightstand; his face was even stitched to Mr. Teddykins.

I had acquired quite the mementos of my one true love; a used coffee stirrer that found its way into one of the many cups of Starbucks Coffee he'd bought, a piece of gum from the set of Driving Miss Hokey, a napkin with mustard stains, the modesty patch he wore during Wet My Cowboy and a cigarette butt. That shit was expensive on eBay, but well worth the cost. They were placed neatly in the Edward Cullen shrine I'd created near my bed back home.

Another day had gone by with no sighting, and I was feeling disheartened and broken. I could hear him chanting my name incessantly, though my Dad said it was just my floating buddies. He wanted me to find him...no, he needed me to find him. He needed a real woman, a woman that was dedicated to him. I traveled to every location he'd ever been seen, spending thousands of dollars to find my soul-mate. I'd gone negative in my checking account more times than I could count, but who the fuck cares? Now, wasn't that fucking dedication?

Every object I owned centered round Edward, whether I bought it that way or it was homemade by me. Even my car had Edward Cullen photographs stitched to the fabric of the interior, taking me a total of two days to do. Why shouldn't the object of your temporarily unrequited love be with you always? Like I said, it's devotion.

I crawled onto my hotel bed, wearing my Wet My Cowboy t-shirt and Edward Cullen embroidered boy shirts, staring at the Edward pasties sewn onto my favorite bra. At least, when wearing that bra, my love was where he should be....close to my heart.

I curled up under the blankets, kissing Mr. Edward Teddykins goodnight - possibly slipping him the tongue because I got a little carried away, it happens - then held him close to me. I closed my eyes and welcomed the sleep that my body needed, especially since I had a long day of Edward scouting ahead tomorrow.

I woke bright and early, which meant six in the fucking morning. I needed enough time to appear presentable. Today was the day, I could feel it. Today, Edward, you would be meeting the future Mrs. Cullen.

I showered and dressed, wearing my favorite hip hugging jeans and Edward Cullen t-shirt. I made sure to have the Wet My Cowboy backpack with spurs ready, placed my Edward jewelry on and slipped on the Nikes. Today was definitely the fucking day.

I took one last peek on my laptop and checked Edsessed[dot]com, Gossipgal[dot]com, Socialife[dot]com and Tweeter before leaving. I couldn't believe my eyes, because there in front of me were pictures of Edward during the filming of The Herculator; his latest movie. The movie was set here in Los Angeles and before now, I hadn't seen a location for filming. I enlarged the photos to make out an exact street sign.

When I found a street name, I then Map Quested the distance from my hotel to the street. It was too far for walking distance, so I would have to take a cab. I grabbed my Wet My Cowboy bag and headed toward the lobby. Lady Luck must have been on my side because there was a cab waiting out front. I told the cabby where I needed to go, and we proceeded onward.

When I arrived, I paid Mr. Anoop the fare - we'd become acquainted in the car, discussing his bearded wife and seven kids, and began northbound in my venture to my future, to my Edward.

It was some distance later that the pearly gates of Heaven opened and the Lord's light shone down on me. Not ten feet away they were filming the movie. Beyond a sea of crazy, psychotic fans was the meaning for my existence, walking with a cigarette in his mouth. Note to self: Get the cigarette butt.

I plowed through the vast amount of bodies with one thing in mind, get to my beloved. I was nearly through the sweating bodies when I saw him trek toward a large trailer. Noooooo, I screamed internally. I finally broke through the barrier of people and ascended the stairs of his trailer. I began knocking at the door. "Edward, I'm here, baby, I've finally made it. We can be together as we were meant to be," I rejoiced aloud.

He never answered. Hmmm…maybe this was the wrong trailer. No, I saw him come in here, he must be sleeping. Yeah, that's it. My poor, overworked baby. He was beside himself with sleepless nights, and I should be taking care of him in his time of need. I tried to turn the handle, but it was locked. Of course it would be. There were too many crazies around here to just leave it unlocked. My baby was smart, though I was locked out now. I'd have to remind him later to give me a key.

Security was approaching the so called blockade meant to hold out fans. They wouldn't understand our love, at least not yet. I looked around for some place to hide until I could approach Edward when he was hopefully alone. Our time alone had to come first before I met with the security team, which would eventually be OUR security team. That was inevitable being that we belonged together just like peanut butter and jelly.

There were two rather large bushes nestled near the stairwell of his trailer. I quickly threw my body into the green mass and waited, waited like a devoted lover would. I'm not sure how long I sat in the bushes, cramped up and fucking hungry, but nothing was too large a task for my Edward. It became dark and a lot of the onlookers had departed from around the set. I was actually surprised there were only a few people remaining behind.

Finally, I heard a joyful sound overhead. The door to his trailer opened, and I heard footsteps trailing down the metal stairs. I shimmied my body out of those bushes, getting my hair caught in numerous small branches. I finally cleared myself of the shrub and approached my destiny.

I could see the excitement on his face; he was thrilled to see me. It was borderline terrified, but thrilled all the same. God, I loved his plethora of facial expressions; they always ignited an inferno of lust within me. That man's emotion was simply indescribable. I ran to him and threw my arms around him, crying tears of joy. I could feel some remnants of the bushes in my hair, but I didn't care.

"I've been waiting for you, my love. I can't believe how long you made me wait," I said through tears.

"I'm…uh…sorry you had to wait, but could you please let go?" he asked, his tone standoffish, body rigid. Hmmm…he must be cold. Of course, I'll need to warm him up. He was always the gentleman, though, by requesting things politely.

"I'm sorry, I was just so happy to see you. I know I must look a fright right now, but those bushes weren't exactly the most comfortable place, and I couldn't very well leave, now could I? I tried to get into the trailer, but the door was locked. You'll have to give me a key for next time. Had I known you were so tired, I would have been waiting for you inside so I wouldn't have been locked out. I could have taken care of you. Well, that's no matter," I stated, waving my right hand in gesture. "I'm here now, and I'll always take care of you. We'll never be apart now because we belong together. I know you see it just as I do," I told him.

I was trying to make sense of the look he gave me. He was gnawing away at the toothpick in his mouth, remaining speechless and wide-eyed, but I assumed he would be. I mean, I was standing before him, after all. I was the woman of his dreams, so why wouldn't he be speechless? I was a fucking catch and only had eyes for him. Who knew he could be so lucky?

Before I could say anything further, I was grabbed on both sides of my body by big, burly hands. I grappled at Edward, trying to hold onto him. I could see he was struggling with the urge to keep me with him, but these men were too strong and determined to separate us. I managed to grab the toothpick from his mouth in my fight to stay with him. I started yelling, "It's okay, my love, they don't understand our relationship yet. I know that you're technically supposed to appear single until you're finished filming The Herculator, but I can wait for you; I'll always wait for you. We'll have our time, we are fated to be one!"

I was roughly cast aside on the sidewalk, but I held tight to my promise and the toothpick that had just been within his mouth. There were many more places to go that he would be and many more bushes to keep me close to my love, my Edward.